Shortly I plan to write letter to H asking if he is interested in rebuilding our M. Also will ask what if anything he is presently doing to protect our M from infidelity.<p>At the same time I need to let him know I still have a lot of burning questions about his A's. My questions really get on his nerves. His answers are so vague and short that I get no satisfaction from hearing his answers. <p>The need to know is my biggest EN right now, I need to feel SAFE that he is willing to meet this need. <p>BS, how have you approached this with WS? How did you let WS know how important the info was to you?
One thing I may do is write ?'s down and give them to him. Another is to ask for say an hour at a time or a weekend just for talking.<p>But how to get H to understand that this is what will help me heal and he holds the KEY?<p>It's like an unsolved mystery, I am the investigator, the key evidence to solving the case is held by H and OW. As an investigator I know there was a crime, but without all the facts, I cant close the case. In fact I cant even determine the exact nature or extent of the crime.
When the final piece of evidence is gathered, everybody can go "WHEW!", thank God thats over, case CLOSED, now lets go home.<p>I also want to make it clear that the more he tells me, THE LESS ANGRY I FEEL.<p>My biggest fear is not getting this need met. Next biggest fear is that he will not tell me certain things so that he can protect OW, the old "I'll never tell a soul", "your secret is safe with me". <p>I have a very strong personal opinion that ANYTHING that an OP of the opposite says or does with H, or confides in H is automatically my business. (excluding profesional or busines confidences, etc.)<p>How did you approach this, make it clear to WS?

Hi Replaced,<p>if you don't know my story I will explain it shortly. In Jan.01, I found out about my H A. I confronted him right away. I did this in a calm and loving way.
Even though he was confused he wanted to stay with me and work things out. We had plenty of discussions, many tears flowed and as time passed, I was able to ask him more and more.<p>He saw and realized the pain he had caused and gave me the promise to do what he could to make up for this and help me get over this traumatic experience.<p>My wish as I expressed to him was that I wanted both of us to work up all what had happened, not just get over it and try to forget. I wanted him to be able to forgive himself and I wanted to know what I was forgiving. I told him that it was agany for me to know that he knew all secrets and I always had to ask.
I told him that my imagination was haunting me and I couldn't get the puzzle pieces together. It was ripping me apart.
But I also told him that I thought it was important for him to let go of all these secrets and open up towards me.<p>One evening (it was quit late) we were talking very comfortably.
This was approx. 1 year after D-D. I simply asked him if he would tell me the complete story and if he would do this without me having to ask questions. I asked if he would get in the car and drive to all their "meeting places" and tell me what they talked about and where they had met to have sex.
I told him that I understand his feeling for shame and embarrassement. I comforted him and told him that once this was all spoken out, he had no reason to feel bad anymore. I just want to go through this together with him.<p>He understood my wish and agreed. That evening, we had a long drive. He told me everything he shared all details. We were both highly emotional. We both cryed and held each other. I was screaming and crying and he was by my side.
This was the hardest experience that I have ever went through. I don't know why but knowing that he too was willing to go through this pain and for him seeing the pain that he had caused me helped both of us.<p>He told me all the details and the affair became smaller and smaller. I was able to see it as it was and so did he.
It lost the romance and showed how cheap it actually was. <p>Since he had told me details that nobody else knew, I was able to regain respect and a great portion of trust.I showed him this and I showed my admiration for him being so honest. I have never again had the urge to talk about this again. This experience made our recovery so true.<p>These things don't haunt me anymore and my H is free of secrets. We became the "team" that we always used to be, only much stronger than before and I also don't have to bother thinking that OW has any secrets of her own. She just doesn't.<p>My H and I have put the puzzle pieces together and I'm so thankful for his honesty and I know what I am forgiving him for.<p>hugs
BB

Blondblossom,<p>What you described is exactly what I need so bad!
I have LB'd quite a bit when H would not open up to me and would not stop contact with OW.<p>I fear that my LB's may have ruined the chance of H doing what your H did for you. What your H did is the most loving gesture an H could possibly offer a wife. I'm sure it took a lot of courage for him to do what he did.<p>The biggest hurdle I seem to have with H is his apparent inability and/or unwillingness to see my POV. I am positive that if H will take the time to fill this need for me (willingly), that the pain of his A will very quickly dissipate.<p>Thanks, Replaced

Hi there,<p>I'm in abit of a rush, have to go to the airport, but I want to leave you a quick note.<p>Why don't you let you H read what I have written and if you wish, I will write him personally so that he can maybe get the feeling that this is a problem that all BS have and when the WS opens up, he too feels releaved. It not only helps you but your H will recover better too and be able to forgive himself for what he has done. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
hug ya
BB<p>PS: you can never ruin a chance where there are still loving feeling. You might need abit more time but you haven't ruined anything. I too did abit of screaching [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
when he at first didn't want to open up. But I then realized he had to become more comfortable. It just took m0re time. Be patient and not so hard on yourself.<p>[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

Hi replaced,<p>Just wanted to let you know I was going through the same thing. My H would tell me bits and pieces of the story, but usually when I asked the questions. I also found that I had to ask the specific question and he that would avoid the whole truth. <p>I was also Lbing and each time I did, he closed up. I really worked on being "safe" for him and after awhile he trusted that I would be "safe". <p>After all this and after many attempts to get my H to talk, I started showing him posts, readings etc. on how important it is for the BS to have all the info. they want on the A. How the WS should answer all these questions - that it would be hard - but it was an important step in recovery. It was after reading all this, that he eventually opened up. We're still working on it though. Part of it for him is that he still wants to protect me and not hurt me. I know, he can't hurt me more than he already has.<p>Blondblossom makes a great suggestion in having your H read her post. This approach worked for me, it might for you.<p>Good luck,<p>H&S

Luckily for me (or unlucky) my WW has been able to tell me everything about the EA/PA, graphic details of the PA, where they normally met, what they talk about, how they liked sex (frequency and where), she even told me his size down there, and that he has erectile disfunction. She said she feel comfortable talking to me about anything, even more comfortable than talking to the OM. <p>I believe the reason for this is because how I responded to her when she confided in me. I was not judgemental, negative, and I did not look hurt by the information. I held everything in and thanked her for telling me, and then we would discuss this. I would give her my input, and she would ask me how I felt about the information, and I would tell her that I expected that this was occurring but my images where much more graphic then she described and that telling me took the mystery and sting out of affair. This was true. I did feel better (after of course I got over the shock) by knowing everything they had together.<p>Think back about the times you aked H about the A and he told you anything. Did you look hurt? Where you judgemental? Did you act in anyway negative? If you did, he will either try to protect your feelings by not telling you or he will not tell you because he feels so uncomfortable or irritated by talking about it.<p>Just my opinion. Good luck with getting this information.