Hi T, I am sorry for what you are going through, it sucks. You h is bullying you and it seems by some of your responses u are trying to stand up for yourself. Good on you!!<p>Don't be frightened by threats to drag your reputation through the mud. There is one thing I've learnt in my short life- People think what they want no matter what you do or say. People will see through your H words and those that would believe him and look down on you aren't worth your time anyway - they're not your friends. <p>Look after yourself, I believe you are stronger than you realise.

Hi t, up late.. wishing my back would quit hurting and let me rest and my 3 yr old boy would just go to sleep... he is the sweetest.. but wants to stay awake way too late tongitht... could it be he spent day with unemployed dad and got off schedule again? well , yes... I think so...<p>Have you ordered that book the emotionally abused woman yet? please , please do... it is wonderful... I am sorry I forgot who told me to get it.. but it is great...<p>I got it off half.com for very very cheap..<p>think about going to codependents anonymous... or similar group... I have been going to cosa , codependents of sex addicts... since I freaked out.. thinking my h was diong the maid... yes, freaked out... it does go hand in hand with being an alcoholic... but truly the sickness of his disease.. mine too.. is that ... he can be so toghether and normal.. yhet, then so nuts... so much in the same day... sober, vs. drunk... wow, what a differeence.. .and even there is dry drunk..<p>Your h has anger maangement issues and also does not take respsonsibility for his part in all of this.<p>T you are wonderful,... do not let him tel l you other wise... realize this... <p>There is nothing you did that made him cheat on you... he chose it.. and chooses it.. this is who he is... <p>when I finally open my eyes and start to see that my h is this horrible alien who I am sickened by... I realize I do not want him, as who he currently is anymore.. it is like he is in a trance.. convincing himself that I am some ogar from another planet that he is escaping from and surviving from my abuse..? well, I admit I was not the perfect wife.. nor the perfect plan aer, etc... I have made loads of mistkes.. but who hasnt? we are all human, right... it is ok to make mistakes.. <p>you are wonderful...<p>someone sd the other day... the amount of shame we are suppossed to carry.. the amount god gave us.. is enough to know we are naked, and enough to put on our clothers when we go outside.. besides that you have nothing to be ahsmed of..<p>he is trying to guilt you into being the wrong one... NO NO NO... do not take it from him.. you can survive this..<p>I really really really think a 12 step program could help... as mean as your h is, I am suprised he is not drinking.. is he?<p>I am so sorry for the pain you are in... <p>Guess what? in the last few days... I stopped taking my h's ridiculous criticisms... How? I got off the phone the minute he started one... I left his driveway, etc.. the minute he started it... etc... I called less.. emailed less.. etc..<p>I took care of me.. exercise.. diet.. and my home... gee, it felt better.<p>I am so sick of being treated badly... they really do drive us away...<p>Seriously... for your D to have a step dad...or step mom for that matter.. and grow up without the family, the orig. fam. intact..is it that bad? sure if the marriage can be sved that is sooo much better.. but with a man like this... the way he is NOW... NO , you do not want him...<p>spoil and pamper your d and be the best mommy in the world... I am really starting to enjoy time with my boys... without dad... and I am also realizeing I hear alot more from them about what is going on in their lives.. without my 3rd child... dad... being here... <p>it is really sad... I loved my h so very much.. that love is really dying for me T. It is sad... I am hanging on... I really am.. but it is sooo soso sad... what is wrong with these men?<p>I know we both deserve to be treated like true princesses.. keep that in mind... don';t let him give you his guilt.. that is what he is trying to do... dont take it.. dont explian to him.. the whys or hows...or whats.. ignore him... let it go right off your back..<p>He does not know what he says... right now.. he is behind the bars of the window of the insane assylumm... right? remember, he is sick... sick ,... sick... do not take his judgement of you right now... look at what he has done to you, who is he to judge you T? <p>GOd loves you, you are a wonderful beautiful child of God.. and you are soo soso special.. do not let him take that from you.<p>I know how you feel... my h takes away who I am.. he does it.. because he feels soo bad.. he has to get those bad feelings out projected onto someone.. right?<p>sad, sad... see him as the sick child he is.<p>You can stilllove him.. you can always love him.. just not in an attached way... especially now..<p>take care of you , and hug your beautiful D! Do something real special, like go out and take pics of your D! frame them.. make memories of you and her.. dont let your life stop...live without him.. you are wonderful and you deserve it!<p>I would love to talk sometime if you ever want to talk...let me know... lisaannsmail@yahoo.com<p>take care, honey

Terri,
I'm betting that my post may cause a stir... I feel many people might disagree with me. Afterall, this is Marriage"Builders".<p>BUT here goes anyway...<p>I have been following your story for quite some time now. I feel very badly for you. I have been in a similar situation and I know this is not fun.<p>Sweetie, this man is very abusive to you. I don't know if anyone else has presented this issue to you... he is emotionally abusive and he is beating you down!<p>I agree with what Orchid said. Say OK and leave it at that. There is NOTHING you can do right now that would make him happy about ANYthing! NOTHING! He is miserable and unable to look inside as a possible source of his own conflicts and anger. Honey he isn't mad at *you*. He's mad alright, but not at you. You are merely his punching bag and as long as you stay in the same situation he will always have his boxing gloves on.<p>I want you to really and HONESTLY sit down and think about what it is you want to accomplish. A man with behavior patterns such as your husband will probably not chance without two things... A) a lot of therapy and B) a WILLINGNESS to make a change. And since he is at this point unable to take any responsibility for his behavior this situation is NOT going to change.<p>YOU are the only one right now that can change this situation. He is playing games and as long as you play too, his "needs" are being met (and that is very sick). You DO have the power. You must use it. You deserve so much more than the way he is treating you. How much more down do you have to go before you do something to change this?<p>TAKE THAT POWER HE HAS OVER YOU AWAY! <p>I don't care what his reasons are for being so angry. I don't care if his reasons are legitimate or not. There is absolutely, 100% NO excuse whatsoever for what he is doing to you. I suspect that this man has the potential to be physically abusive as well.<p>He will not stop until you are as weak as a beaten puppy, afraid to come out of the corner.<p>Stop this! Quit letting him hurt you so badly. There IS a better way... there IS a better life. I cannot say if this marriage has the potential to be saved... but what I can say is that this situation is not going to change any time soon. Even if he decided to be nice all of a sudden, nothing would be resolved... he would still have his own issues, his own anger, his own lack of responsibility... and there is nothing on this earth that YOU can do to "fix" him. He's beating you!!! He's abusing your heart.<p>Is this REALLY what you want as a partner for life?<p>Please know that I am writing to you from the heart. I have been there and done that. I've hit rock bottom. I've spent time in a mental hospital. Is ANY one on this earth worth that? Hell no!!! I'm just glad I realized I am better than that.<p>Please just think about this.<p>Love,
Clear

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Then of course, let's not forget my anxiety attacks. <hr></blockquote><p>My wife used to have these also. I think I was a major reason. There is no excuse for a husband to treat a wife like he is treating you. NONE. NEVER WAS, NEVER WILL BE. <p>After I have been practicing living the things taught in HNHN and Love Busters, my wife is much happier. She smiles a lot and blows me kisses. It's been a long time but we are both happy. <p>Please protect yourself. Take care of your family and don't worry about what he does or says. Refer any contact from him to your lawyer and if he continues to be abusive get a Restraining Order. Then he will only be able to communicate with the lawyer and not with you. <p>No, it's not you. It's not. It's him. <p>Don't let yourself be abused. <p>SS