My fiance continues to repeatedly lie to me about his relationship with his exwife. I can't even begin to go into the detail of it all, but if I hadn't of come across a wedding picture of them, I never would of even known he was married. They supposably seperated 4 years ago, but I keep coming across mail that was addressed to the both of them with his current house address on it (which she supposably never lived in)... And some of these are dated 2001. He continues to deny she ever lived. I didn't believe him so against my best judgement I did some snooping and sure enough found a picture that placed her in that home. Why is this bothering me, I really don't care if he was ever married before, short of this we have a wonderful relationship and I don't doubt his love for me. But before I ever found out he ever had had a wife, he told me prior to us dating he had dated a woman from work for 9 months, the dates that I keep coming up with on when he and his wife split and the time that he told me he started dating the woman from work overlap. If you know what I mean.. I don't know how to handle it from here, do I tell him I snooped and know he is still lying? I know each relationship is different and just because he may have done that with her doesn't mean he will do it to me, but how do I really know, I have definatly lost some trust. I just don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My best advice is rather awkward...are you sure he is divorced? I think you should ask to see the decree. If he is truthful and wants to reassure you, that should be possible. If he stays angry or "can't find it"...red flag.<p>Why does he say the 9 month relationship ended?<p>You have a guy who, if the wife was in the house in 2001, had some relationship with her, and with the last woman, he may have had 2 relationships end in the last year. <p>I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater", but...if he hasn't been to counseling, or done some soul-searching, or reading, or something he probably does have a set pattern. <p>You suspect he lies and was unfaithful to his wife, you know he has been fuzzy with the truth and not forthcoming about his past. That could be a rather negative indicator of how he functions in relationships.<p>You say you are engaged, how long have you known him? If nothing else, I'd wait quite some time before marrying him, so you can judge his character better.<p>He may be very private, he may be a serial cheater.<p>What do you have to lose by asking him some difficult questions? If you are scared, it is better to know what he is like now than marry him and discover more unsettling things.

Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.<p>I know your instinct will be to defend him and focus on all his good qualities, but try to use your intellect to PROTECT your emotions in the long term. You will want to remain in denial, but it is almost a certainty that doing so will bring you more sorrow than you've ever felt in your life.<p>Nearly every one of us here began our marriages with a person who was truthful with us about their past. In fact, for most of us, deception did not become a feature of our spouse's personality until they were involved in an affair.<p>Lying about things for which there is no reason to lie is an indication of a serious and incurable personality disorder. And if you're thinking that maybe he HAD a reason to lie, then even that is an indicator of a master manipulator who will use deception to get what he wants.<p>You already know from trying to confront him before with what you've discovered that he will just lie some more. I wouldn't even be surprised to discover he was still married to the woman in the picture. Many of our husbands have deceived the other woman about their marital status.<p>The wisest safest thing you could do is to contact the woman in the picture and get her story first.<p>It is painful to face the truth at the stage you're at, but you are virtually guaranteed the worst pain of your life if you remain in a R with someone this flawed in character.<p>It is a foregone conclusion that you are seeing the BEST of a person during courtship. If this is his best, I'd be terrified of his worst.<p>----------------------<p>Lor,<p>As I understand it, he's denying the W even exists: "He continues to deny she ever lived." [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

A divorce decree and for that matter a marriage licence are both a matter of public record. If you know the county in your state where he married in you should be able to go to the court house and find record of his marriage. He would have also had to get divorced in that same court system, so you would know if he was in fact divorced and when. I would not ask him for the decree that would probably stir up the dust, and may not be necessary . Just ask him (if you don't already know) where and when he was married. Tell him you are interested in knowing a little about a part of him you feel like you don't know. And definitely go to the court house and check those records, at least you will know a little more than you do now. Like the other posters said he could still be married.<p>Secondly, before considering marriage I would try to get him to some pre-martial counseling with you. If I had done that with my husband we could have avoided a lot of heartache.
Good luck.<p>DU

You are engaged to this guy. If you expect the marriage to be "different" from the way it is now, you have another thing coming. In fact it will probably get a lot worse. Keep this in mind: you deserve to be treated the way you would treat the one person in life whom which you've committed your heart and soul. If he can't be truthful with you now, shouldn't that be a warning sign of things to come in the future? The past relationship is probably painful for him to discuss, but if you ask a question as simple as the ones you have, you deserve the truth. I'm not in your shoes, but my advice to you would be to give him the ring back and tell him that you can't live the rest of your life with someone who can't be honest to the one he loves. If he truly wants you, he will be open to getting some help in dealing with his character issues.

Thank you all for all your advice. Like I said, I am open to anything. I did neglect to put in there that in fact he was still married when we met. When I confronted him he admitted it, he told me that the reason he kept it a secret from me was because he didn't know how I would take to dating a man who's divorce was not final and was worried about what I might think of someone who had had two failed marrages. He had nothing more to say than that... he just adamantly didn't want me to know. I told him as long as he was planning on getting a divorce, which he already has, then it really didn't bother me. What bothers me is the fact that he lied to me about it. And why after coming "clean" with it all does he still lie to me when I confront him. And I do continually confront him with other questions about her, but on average he is just not honest with his responses.

This is why I think maybe she hadn't moved out when he was seeing the other woman. And if that is the case should I be concerned him repeating that with us. He had mentioned to me that they had some sexual problems towards the end of their marriage and that that was the reason he finally asked for a divorce. So it seems to make sense. I don't have concrete proof, just speculation. I have never had suspicion that he has cheated on me, I am just petrified of it ever happening to me though. If he has done it before what are the odds of him doing it again? And how do I get him to stop the lying????

2 failed marriages, hiding he was married from you...<p>Separated is married.<p>Not yet divorced is married.<p>Married people do not date.<p>He dated the woman from his office, he dated you while married. <p>He put you into the position of dating a married man. How do you know he is now divorced?<p>You have "concrete proof" of his character, he told you he was married, he told you about dating the other woman. <p>Absolutely you have to worry he will repeat this pattern.<p>He is a liar. Liars lie. You cannot stop him from lying if that is what he chooses to do. You cannot stop him from cheating on you, if that is what he chooses to do.<p>You aren't married and you don't trust him...why would you want to continue a relationship with a lying untrustworthy man.<p>Love is not enough.

Why does he lie to you?
I agree with Lor, Liars - well are liars. So Lying is what they do. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He had mentioned to me that they had some sexual problems towards the end of their marriage and that was the reason he finally asked for a divorce. <hr></blockquote><p>Most women won't be intimate with someone that is cheating on them or that doesn't treat them with respect and love. OR WITH SOMEONE THAT IS ALWAYS LYING TO THEM. <p>You have been given good advice. You are not married yet. It's hard to give up the time and love you have invested, but it's lots easier now than after you are married. I vote with the others. Find someone that respects you, that will tell you the truth, and treat you the way you deserve. <p>I wouldn't talk to him about it. He will continue to lie, and try to emotionally trap you into a relationship. He will push all the right buttons to get you to stay. You already know what he is. Send a no contact letter as if he were an OP and walk away. <p>Praying for you to do the right thing. <p>SS

Again,
Regarding sexual problems, I agree with still seeking. Sexual problems generally reflect there are problems elsewhere in the marriage<p>But, even if, say, the wife couldn't or didn't want sex or was suffering some gyno problems (er, inexplicable STDs also make a wife not want sex) ...is that a good enough reason in your mind to cheat on a spouse?<p>[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</p>

He told me that she was molested when she was in her preteens by a family member. He didn't know about the situation until after they were married. He said in the beginning there weren't any problems, she started counseling and that seemed to make it worse. He said following that she started to have sexual disfunction, he said he stuck by her for a couple of years trying to help her get through it, but he never saw any progress. His story about that was far too detailed, I do believe him on that.

But Lor your right, it doesn't make for a good enough reason to cheat on your spouse. I have a friend that went through something similar. She was done with the marriage but couldn't find the ummp to leave, I think her affair was in her way, a way to force her to get out. I don't know doesn't make sense when I write it, but when she explained it I kind of understood. She is now happily involved and would never consider cheating on her new partner. I am just confused, do you all think I should confront him with the picture I found? I just hate the fact that I did that... I have snooped before in regards to this situation and confronted him with it. He was always open with his answer.. that's why I just don't get it, why not just tell me EVERYTHING! He doesn't even hide things, everything I have found was basically right there in the wide open to start with. It confuses the heck out of me, he lies when I ask him questions, but I have come across so many things that were pretty much out there in the wide open. And some things in drawers that he knows I am in ALL the time. He is clueless that anything is even there. If he was a really deceptive person wouldn't he be a master at making sure there is no evidence anywhere to be found??

He will have a "reason" for ever problem that he has ever had. It will always be someone else's fault. If you could find the girl, you may be able to get the other side. <p>BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW HE HAS LIED ABOUT MANY THKNGS, SO WHY WOULD YOU TRUST HIM ON THIS? <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am just confused, do you all think I should confront him with the picture I found? <hr></blockquote><p>Everytime you confront him. He will come up with another "reason" Since you love him, and want things to work, your ability to know what reality is will be affected. You will probably let him talk you out of all your worries. <p>You really are seeing him at his best ( as someone already said above. ) We are pretty impartial, and we are scared for you. These are bad signs. I would have to believe that things would only get worse from the day you said "I do." <p>I suggest you go back and read all these posts again from start to finish and see what kind of a picture it paints. <p>Also note that we are all here to work on our marriages. We may be able to see things that you can't. All we want is for you to be happy. We are worried about you. <p>SS

He lies to you, but doesn't hide things.<p>That doesn't make him trustworthy.<p>My best guesses are that a) he doesn't actually care what you know, he just doesn't want to talk about it or b) he has so little respect for you that he doesn't think you'll leave him even if you know he's lying.<p>Exit affairs to end a failing marriage are common.
So is blaming the betrayed spouse for the marriage failing. So is lying about the marriage to a next partner.<p>I'm sure you have good times and warm feelings with him, but I see nothing but red flags. <p>I'm sorry, I can tell this isn't what you want to hear.<p>But, in each of your posts you state he lies to you. You can't change him, only he can change him. This is what you will live with, as he is, or worse, since one assumes better behavior before the marriage. <p>Is that how you want to spend your life?