I guess that would mean that if a married couple were to planA each other to death at the same time then they would have one heck of an affair going on, right?<p>One funny thing I noticed was that at the peak of H's A, he began to meet my needs like never before. In fact that was one of my clues that something was wrong. It felt awful because I knew that his meeting my needs so well had nothing to do with ME, it was because of his feeling for someone else. That feeling and caring for OP just kind of spilled over on to me by accident. How sad.<p>Just looking for insight on what really is going on during the A(the dynamics of it all).<p>Thanks, Replaced

Replaced, you and I have got to stop drinking Coke this late at night! I think we're following each other around on the board.<p>Well, I think an A is, on the surface, pretty much a bilateral plan A, except for the fact that there is no reality to it..there is no balancing checkbooks, picking up the kids..the junk stuff that really wears a marriage down. It's like a fantasy Plan A.<p>I think lots of WS probably plan A the BS without us knowing, not because they are thinking of the OP, but more like they're trying to level the playing field. In retrospect my SO did this, mostly so he could see if I would respond more to him..wish I had known it then..at the time it felt like he was demanding more of me. And maybe he was..maybe that was his way of saying "open your eyes..help me". But I had those dealing with reality blinders on.."things" like appointments, work, house cleaning, raising kids blinded me to the whole A and the fact that I was getting unhappier by the minute.<p>So, I don't know that I would assume his mind was elsewhere. And, in retrospect, I don't think I would assume he didn't love you.<p>I think we've all heard a different version of "I never stopped loving you, but I'm "in love" with her, or "I don't know if I ever loved you" but, I think those are all true statements taken in context and at the time.<p>An analogy would be like a vacation..sounds wonderful when you've been stuck at home..can't wait to go...it's great while it's going on, but you still want to be home with your stuff..it's not that the 5 star hotel isn't beautiful..but it's not yours. It's not that you don't love the restaurant and never doing the dishes..but you start to miss not having to get dressed to eat and just wanderinginto the kitchen and grabbing a PBJ in your jammies.<p>And I think that's the dynamics of the A..it is a vacation..the shame of it is, if both of us had spoken up..we could've gone on one together.
T

What can I say but WOW! That was a great analogy.

Yep…..<p>My H and I are “plan A’ing” each other for life now. It works great to make a good marriage.<p>The reason I put “plan A’ing” in quotes is that actually, the “plan A” one does for the long haul must be slightly different then the Plan A one does prior to the starting of recovery. Why? <p>Because in the true Plan A there are few boundaries set. The spouse who is doing the Plan A (sometimes it’s the WS plan A’ing) overlooks a lot of things in the short run that cannot be overlooked in the long run. In addition, it’s a lot easier to “Plan A” when your spouse is doing it in return. So it takes on a lighter, more fun, more flirtatious feel.