Why in the heck is my WH in a thicker fog? He is acting like a butt head again(like when he first got caught). He is back to putting everything on me. Its all my fault. Taking the focus off the A. And he has plans to Dv me and be w/ OW(doesnt know I know).<p>Ive tried a good plan A, Being nice, Ive tried to be tough. He just doesnt care. He is letting me go. Doesnt wear his wedding ring anymore, doesnt say I love you anymore, doesnt even address me by ANY name( calls me "HEY"!),now he doesnt want to do things with me anymore. He says hes getting better for his self and for the kids. When we do do things together, he acts like he wishes I wasnt there. Im getting hurt all the time.<p>Im tired of plan A. I feel like a doormat. And even when Im not being or feeling like a doormat, hes still a butt head.<p>What should I do? Sometimes I want to completely shut him out, like he does with me. Just not care anymore. <p>Only been plan Aing for a couple months. And I am feeling better and better about my self everyday. Also doing more for my self.<p>Please, advise.<p>PI

P I, well, it could be that he's putting his head further and further up his butt BECAUSE of what you're accomplishing in Plan A.<p>What do you do about it? <p>Nothing. <p>Nothing different, that is.<p>You see, he may be becoming more beligerant because he has to dig deeper to fault you. This is very common. Little by little, via Plan A, you may be negating his excuses for having the affair in the first place. He HAS to fault you for his decisions because he needs to justify these decisions. Deep down inside, he knows what he's doing is wrong.<p>Keep up the good work and DON'T LB.

Yup... I witnessed that same kind of behavior from my WW... for exactly the reasons given by WAT, most likely...<p>In fact, things got progressively worse through time, up until about Month 6 where things were at their peak. (I intercepted an e-mail between her and someone where she described herself as "totally in love.") It was around that time that reality made a SUDDEN appearance - I'd been advised by SH to talk with OM. It rocked her little world, and things started to change only then.<p>In the two months since then, things have been fairly turbulent... she has moments where she warms up to me a lot, and others where she's back in the fog. I expect this, given that A is now under extreme pressure.<p>My response has been to be steady in Plan A... no LB'ing. And as WAT implied, WW has been through the list of grievances now several times (with me and IC/MC), and she's running out of things to say. It's kind of amusing in a sick way. Now she's gone from being angry and cold to showing definite signs of love again... so it can / will most likely happen.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by J.R.:
<strong>It's kind of amusing in a sick way.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
J.R. - we're a good tag team.<p>Every chance I get here, I try to point out that IF we BSs can see the dark humor in the WSs antics, we're a lot better off. Often, not only is TRUTH stranger than fiction, it's funnier, too.<p>WAT

Thanks Wat & JR,<p>That makes me feel better. I thought my H was the BIGGEST BUTT for a minute. (in a way he still is, hee hee). <p>So this is typical behavior for WS's? Now that I know that, it may be a little easier to handle his additude. Just kind of brush him off?<p>Last night was funny! We were at the gym, I ran into this guy I knew from high school(havent seen each other in about 10 years or so) anyways, we were choppin it up big time. And this guy looks GOOD! Nice body too! Haha!! WH was jealous! He came up to me and introduced himself to my friend. Said " oh, my wife forgets to introduce me sometimes"(in a snotty way). I just ignored him and went on talking to my friend. Then WH whispers in my ear, "you look sexy(in a protective way)your pants are tight on your butt". I said, "is that supposed to be a compliment? Because I dont remember what those sound like from you". He just looked at me crazy. When we got home he said, "thanks for introducing me to your friend". I just went, "umm". HA HA!! Too Fnny! <p>So that was fun. Not that I was trying to make him jealous, but its good for him to see some reality.<p>So I havent been to steady on my plan A. I feel like Im trying to be nice and then trying to let him go. Back and forth. Im doing good on the no LBing. But Should I stick with being nice or just letting go and doing my own thing? Ive been kind of playing it by ear, day, to day. Depending on his moods. I dont want to be a doormat when hes being mean. And I dont want to brush him off when hes trying to be nice. What is the best method that you have found works? I am noticing OW is starting to get impatient. Thats when I start acting sooo understanding.<p>More great advise please. Thanks guys, this helps me out alot.<p>WH took the kids out today. I have a day to myself. I need one. I feel ok if he has both kids. If he just has the baby, i dont. Cuz I know he will take him to see OW( the sick b*****d). <p>Thanks,
PI

Hey PI,<p>I see you are getting good support. These 2 guys posting to you are real helpful. <p>Laughter is good medicine. U are doing good and you are also starting to define your boundaries. <p>Take Care,
L.

OK this day to myself is not a good one. Im slipping into a depression. I dont know if its because I skipped a couple of days on my meds? Or if its because Im alone with out my babies? Or a combo? I dont know.<p>I keep thinking about WH and how in love he is w/OW. And then I ask myself ,"why am I still here "?<p>I dont feel like being nice to him. Why should I?<p>Just venting, again.
PI

PI,<p>Can you call me?!?!?!? I am at home. <p>L.

P I - Remember - Love is a decision. And everyday you are going to have to wake up and decided if you are going to continue to Plan A or not.<p>You may not always feel like it but as Harley says - Plan A is not for wimps!<p>Yes, in Plan A you will feel like a doormat - in the sense that what you feel like you are doing for WH is not fair, however, this does not mean that you have to act like a doormat when it comes to taking care of yourself emotionally and physically.<p>During Plan A you are not LBing and trying to meet ENs it's true but remember that you are a womderful person in your own right and you should not forget to take care of you. Lean on your support system during those down times. Maybe write a letter to yourself when you are on an up to remind yoruself why you are doing what you are doing - kind of a pep talk letter to yourself and read it when you feel down. The reality is that you have to keep evaluating how you are doing in Plan A every week or so to make sure you are not loosing too much love - because if you do you will start to LB and then it won't be a smooth transition to Plan B, which is always a possibility.<p>You may want to read some of the 180 degree techniques from Divorcebusting to help you stay somewhat detached from the pain. You just have to remember not to put your life on hold waiting for WH to come out of fog.<p>Your WH acts just like mine. And yes, they blame you for it all. It's just their way of trying to find an excuse to do what they are doing. They are trying to raltionalize their behavior. But they can't. It's wrong no matter how you lool at it - but they are in the fog, so they somehow block out what they are doing. If you read posts by people who have come out of the fog they say that they don't even remember- or don't want to remember what they said or did while in the fog.<p>Just take life one day at a time. You may have to renew your committment to Plan A everyday or every minute of the day. Remember, you are doing this to try and save your marriage. It's a noble purpose. Some days will be better than others and some days will be horrible, but keep to the principles and get a counselor if you need one.<p>Hang in there. K

God is in control-<p>Good timing on your post. Please read my post underPlan A/B called ONE DAY AT A TIME.<p>Orchid--read it! call me tomorrow. Need to talk. After Mass though.About noon is good. oh wait, that would be gym time. How about 2ish? If not Ill call you. I Think its my turn anyway.
Hey, any more juicy garbage?<p>PI

Morning PI. <p>I see you are burning the midnight oil again. <p>U can call anytime, K? It is just where you call. Today I get to go and make someone else's yard look better. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It think the official title is concrete assistant. My job is 'suppose to be something about setting stones in concrete. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Whatever that means, I'd prefer having a nice shiny rock set on my 3rd finger on my right hand!! LOL!!! Oh well, such is life. <p>H's original subcontractor backup is out of town visiting his sick dad so guess who gets to step in. I think I have lunch detail also. LOL!!! So you can reach me on my cell (with all those free weekend minutes! :eek [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>I will be putting all those books in my car today so I can get them to you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for helping me yesterday. Guess us battleworn BS' learn to lean on each other and believe it or not we are able to help! Don't give up the ship!<p>Take Care,
L.