Okay, here's the deal... this morning, WW cuddles up to me again, we hold each other in bed before we get up, have some nice chit chat, and it's all very nice. She mentions that once again, she needs to go to work today - deadlines and such creeping up, etc. What can I say? We're not in recovery - I can't expect trust-building behaviors, etc.<p>She says that she might take a day off this coming week instead - maybe I should try to too. She also says she might take a week off in the middle of June after all these deadlines are done - maybe I should too.<p>All sounds great so far... She goes off to work... I get out a semen detection kit... yes - sad, but I really do need to know what's going on here... if we just left it "as is", one might infer progress, after all. Well, I come up with a positive... SOOO... I'd already promised myself to continue on my Plan B track, no matter what, unless I hear something concrete to compel me elsewhere.<p>I'd been planning to move towards Plan B in steps... giving her more chances to hear tougher words that might give her some pause for thought. Now I think it's just time to say "forget it" - she's had plenty of opportunity, and she even demonstrates a desire to keep this charade going as long as she can.<p>Well I say "no more". I've got everything lined up, I think, to move forward here... by next weekend. I have no motivation to do this anymore. I could really care less today. It's just a game now it seems.<p>With the PA continuing, even now... only Plan B left to try.<p>Well... can't say I'm surprised.

JR,<p>RU sure?!?!?!? Pretty good actress??? Didn't know the OP university had it's own award show?!?! <p>I am sorry for your findings. You have been here a while and I am sure you know when + = +.<p>L.

Sorry to hear this update, J.R. You certainly have been giving this all you have got. Wish for you that things were not as they seem. Will be watching for your next action.<p>Estes

Oh JR that's terrible....it sounds like she's still trying to hold on to two worlds. I wonder if in her mind she figures she'll just continue in her A until she's got it out of her system. Yuck.<p>Plan B it is then.

Yes, I promised myself solemnly that any positive test would mean immediate Plan B.<p>Now... of course it takes some planning, and I'm getting there - probably most of next week will do it.<p>Not sure what I want right now. I see a road ahead filled with such cr@p and pain... and that's recovery! Wish I could say that I'm doing the right thing by trying Plan B... but I seriously question whether I want WW in my life at all anymore... I'll have to think about it some more...<p>FWIW, here's the last version of my Plan B letter on file...<p>My Dear (WW),<p>God give me strength – this is the hardest thing I’ve had to write, ever.<p>(WW), I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with both (OM1) and (OM2) possible. I’m determined to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will be fulfilling and based on genuine love and respect. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with (OM2) once and for all, and commit to making other specific changes in your life that are consistent with building a happy marriage.<p>My honest love for you and hope that you’d come to see that I can not only be your best friend, but also your romantic lover (your “sweet J.R.” to use a term you coined), have enabled me to endure these past months, the most painful of my life, but I’ve reached a point where it is too painful to continue, and I will no longer continue to live with you while your affair continues.<p>Therefore, I must leave our home. If you are willing to make changes necessary to build a happy marriage, there is a chance I may reconsider my decision. Until then, we must cut all but essential (financial and legal) contact. I would suggest that e-mail is used for such matters. We can discuss other logistical questions before I go.<p>I do this to protect my remaining love for you. You certainly know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with (OM2), and the things that you have said over the past months, and I simply can’t maintain contact any longer, knowing that you are not dedicated to our marriage. I still love you dearly but I cannot see you under these conditions. I do thank you sincerely for the times you have expressed love for me over the past months – it’s strengthened me incredibly.<p>I would love to see our marriage restored some day. I want us to be best friends, create an environment where we can be joyous, avoid unhappiness, and thrive with passion and genuine bonding of husband and wife. I know that so very much is possible – and I hope that you do too. What do I see? A house, a garden, happy, beautiful children, thrilled grandparents, and us standing tall – simple things. I wish this for you and me. I have all along in my heart of hearts.<p>I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you, talk to you, or help you in any way as long as you are seeing (OM2).<p>With my truest love,
J.R.

Sorry about your recent events JR.
I really do think you're doing the right thing by going to plan B.
Like you, I'm about at the point where I've had enough.....and am seriously moving toward Plan B myself.
I'd say my plan A has been successful. I've achieved positve changes that my wife has even noticed. However, plan A has one glaring flaw.
It enables Wayward spouses to be cake-eaters. It gives them no reason to decide either way. In many ways, It can prolong an already painful process for us BS's.
Anyways, From your posts, its obvious you've given a great effort. Keep your head up, and best wishes bro!

...and BTW, what exactly is a semen detection kit and how does it work?

"It's just a game now it seems."<p>GAME OVER~~~~<p>so sorry <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Pepper

Great letter, Hope B works. We are still praying for both of you.
ss

So sorry for you. But now's the time to go eyeball to eyeball with the truth and start plan B. As you said, "not sure if I want here anymore", your lovebank is dangerously close to depletion.<p>Question - why are you moving out, why dont you kick out? [at least that's the question I've been asked by half of the forum when I stated my intention to move out instead of WW].<p>
PS - what's that semen detection thing about, how is it applied, how does it work?

just a vote of support here... you're a smart guy... Plan B is for you - especially if the ole love bank is dangerously low. We're here for ya.<p>About your letter:
"We can discuss other logistical questions before I go."<p>What is this for? Once you give the letter, there should be no more contact. Her reactions to the letter may not be something you want to deal with in person.<p>"You certainly know about the suffering I have endured because of your continuedrelationship with (OM2), " so she knows that YOU know that contact continues...<p>One more thought... Plan B works best if there is a smooth transition from an excellent Plan A... so keep up your Plan A efforts.. no LB's... meet as many EN's as possible.

JR---<p>You know, sometimes we truly can't see the forest for the trees and, while I know it isn't something that's most preferable...getting some space and viewing the sum total of your life (not just your relationship with your W but everything) from a distance can be very helpful. <p>I think this will also give your W a chance to examine how she feels W/O JR. (Probably not great.) <p>That doesn't mean the answers will come easily or that any of this is easy, but it does have a shot at beating the he!! you are living now, right? I mean the doubts, suspicion and even the duplicity of what you see in your W at the moment. That's hard to take--I know. <p>This doesn't mean the end...just a different chapter in the same book but one in which you are wrestling back a little more control of your life. Believe me, that will feel good after a bit. <p>I know you have worked hard and I know I know how hard this can be, but I think you will find some solace in just looking after JR for a while.<p>Hang in there, bud, and keep your chin up....<p>E

maximus, as for the semen detection kit, check out http://getcheckmate.com/index.html.<p>The thing works by detecting an enzyme that's highly concentrated in semen only... kind of on the same principle as pregnency kits, so it's quick and quite accurate. There is some slight room for interpretation of results, but sadly, my most recent "positive" was pretty darn "positive."<p>Pepper, well, it's game over for her at least until she pulls her head out of her butt... some time alone will be good for both of us.<p>SS, thank you on the letter - it's been posted here and input provided a few times! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Nick, why am I moving? Well, Steve H suggested it as an option... leaves her in a place with memories of me, forces her to choose (she's balked before at her moving out, although it would certainly be more convenient for her, commute-wise), etc. It's also described as a clear option in SAA - wish I had it handy to find the page.<p>Faith, in the point about discussing logistics... I see myself giving her my letter on the day I leave. I suppose my situation is little different from many / most in that we aren't separated, so for those people, there's few things to discuss. We on the other hand need to talk about several things to get things in order.<p>Rather than just tell her I'm leaving and saying "well I'm going to give you this letter later that'll explain everything" - I think I'll just have to give it to her around the time I tell her my intentions. That leaves some time between the delivery and the actual departing. I want to keep that time as short as possible for obvious reasons - not allowing her to turn it into a LB event, etc. Then again, a LITTLE bit of time might be good - that "last chance" to maybe inspire some constructive discussion, although I don't hold my breath.<p>Elad, thanks, I know it must get easier with some time, as it sounds you've gotten to a better place in your Plan B.<p>It's all so strange. Last night before we went to sleep she mentioned that she'd been thinking a lot that day... that she realizes she's completely responsible for everything... and that she usually "gets in trouble" when she gets into her selfish, taker mode. So she can even SEE the fog, so much better than most WS... but she just can't seem to get over that hump...<p>(My honest guess is this... she comes out of the fog a bit when things tank with OM, then the fog thickens as they continue contact, ending up with them in bed eventually. My guess would be that it's a very "up and down" cycle - they get closer - OM expects more and more - she balks - he gets upset - she gets a taste of the "real him" and comes running back towards me. Lather, rinse and repeat!)

J.R.<p>Very sorry to hear your news. From what I've seen, you're certainly better prepared for plan B than you were the first times you considered it. It's very sad that it has to come to this, but maybe it will work? <p>All my best,

JR,<p>Just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your pain & hurt. You want a clear picture, to know that what you have been doing is working, and then to find the evidence just plain old hurts. <p>You seem very strong and together & will be OK no matter what. It's just that this no matter what is not first choice. In the tape H/N H/N, it talks about plan a is for giving and mostly it's one sided. There may come a time when giving and not recieving is not enough. Period. There is just not anything left.<p>I would love to be a fly on the wall & see her face when she gets the letter. <p>You mentioned that you wonder if you really want her at all. I think this is a normal reaction. And I don't think it's a good time to make any life altering decisions beyond plan b. There are stories all the time on the recovery board. From my stand point, I don't know how they get thru it but they do. I don't know, and you don't know because we are not there yet. (and may never be) <p>JR, my prayers go out to you,<p>D.

JR, I am so sorry for your findings, and find you quite an impressive detective.. I wish I had knwn about that test.. back when I needed it... keep your cool! IT sounds as if you are.
I am proud for you, it sound s like counseling with steve is good for you.<p>Be careful on the move out... do you own your home? careful on that.. it could be seen as abandonment... <p>you may want to reconsider that point... <p>other than that.. I like your letter.. etc... , and I c an even see moving as a good option, just worry for you to lose your home... and remember plan b.. can mean divorce.. but for many a wayward spouse..<p>they do nothing , until they lose everything... <p>my h is close to losing me completely.. I have not totally plan b'ed yet.. as it is such a difficult thing for me to do.. and his a ended.. but then he started something with a maid.. wow? that is quite impressive , isnt it? '<p>good luck and hugs.. I feel your pain in your words.. I am sorry you are huritng... the way I have been treated by men in my life.. it is so good to know there are good men out there who really care aobut their marriages..<p>I have given myslef and my life so completely to my spouse.. and to be abandoned and cheated on numberous times by him... I am just , weell... freaked.. to put it lightly..> i thought my H was the love of my life... <p>anyway..> i know the pain... it does get better.. I had to up my antid... that is always an option..> i am so much stableer now that I did that... <p>but it sounds that you have been stying cool..<p>good luck to you... <p>Honey