I am new here, and yes, I am up in the middle of the night writing this. I came upon this site earlier in the week and have been reading as much as possible. I have read many, many marriage books and just can never find anything like my situation and how to handle it. Thank Goodness, this site has given me many ideas to try.<p>I have had a hard day with my husband, and honestly I was dreaming of leaving him. But then I woke up after a few hours sleep, his back was turned to me (like always) and I just felt so hurt instead of angry. I just layed in bed crying, I do this about 3 nights a week, I wake up and just cry for an hour or so, then go back to sleep.<p>Well.. since I am new, any advice, ideas and more would be great. I am not sure of all the the abbreviations and such that everyone is using. But I will just explain, sorry if long, I will try to make it short.<p>My husband and I met when I was 18 and he was 21. We were married in less than 6 months, right after my 19th birthday. I was working full-time in the insurance business and they were paying for my college, I come from upper middle class and was just expected to go to college and have a career, and I was young, but was on my way. I met my husband, who I fell head over heels in love with, he was in the military, then the Gulf war happened so we ran off to Vegas and got married.<p>Within just weeks of this spontaneous marriage, my life was changed. My parents did not approve, and took my car, and all support from me. My college was then out the window, and I quit my job and moved 350 miles away into military housing to be with my husband. On our first anniversary our daughter was conceived.<p>It was with her pregnancy that all problems began. I believed he was cheating on me, he was out all night, no calls, drinking and having fun.(later he admitted to one nighters)(I have never held these over him after what I did, i just let this go) Then I was home sick, then home with a baby, and I finally was waitressing to pay the bills.<p>5 years later our marriage and things were getting worse, and we found out we were having our second child, so we decided to try to make things work for the kids. Everyone who knew us thought our marriage was great. On the outside, we would go to movies, do family things, and more. We were a great family, but our relationship was getting worse and worse. Sex was almost non-existent. I always felt terrible, he would always make me feel worthless. As a housewife, I did not clean good enough, my job choices were not what he wanted in me. (When we got married I made more than him, now I was just a housewife in sweats) I refused, and still do, to put my children in daycare, this is strong feeling in me and I cant for any reason leave my kids to go to work. This causes many problems since we were broke all the time, and the pressure for me to get a "real" job. I would babysit for extra money and anything else, Mary Kay and other little activities. I would only work from home after my second child was born. Not only the expense of daycare, but I really cannot leave my kids.<p>Then 7 years into our marriage, he for some reason thought things were fine, or so he says now looking back, he really thought everything was just fine. The military sent him over seas for 6 months. This was the first time I had ever been alone in my life. I went from parents to marriage, and he was gone a few weeks here and there, but now I was really alone for 6 month with 2 kids. I always felt unattractive, and so worthless, he always gave me that feeling with no sex and insults to anything I did.<p>Ok.. here is the hard part, never admitted this to anyone but my husband, but I had an affair. After he was gone a few months, I started going to the gym, while a neighbors 14 year old would babysit for the hour. I lost weight, looked great, and met a great young guy. We had so much fun together and the affair was great. But it was just that, it was not a relationship, he knew I was married, and we never made future plans, we were just really great friends, and had a great time together, he appreciated me and liked everything I did. (Ok I am not an idiot, I obviously know he gave me all those things I wanted from my husband)<p>My husband returned home, I never saw the guy again, and life went on. But my husband discovered what had happend, I just was not really hiding it, maybe I wanted to get caught. I was so happy with him gone. We were seperated for 8 months, and I moved in with my parents, who watched my kids while I returned to work. My husband then began calling me, and sweeping me off my feet. He treated me like a queen, he was so wonderful, explained he never knew I needed the attention, love, support and all. He did all the things I ever wanted, and became my real dream come true. The sex with my husband became better than I ever imagined. We moved back in together, and life was wonderful. Within 6 months, I got ill, and after visiting the doctor, I found out I was pregnant. (The doctor said it was a miracle, I was not supose to be able to get pregnant, it was a 1 in 5000 chance they said)<p>The cycle then began again, sex stopped, he has become his old self. He blamed the no sex, on the fact that he could not be with me because of the affair, he was to hurt. That seems like a poor exuse since it did not bother him before. <p>Then he became the way he was, I was worthless in all I do, the house is not up to his standards, and I quit my job when pregnant to stay home with the baby, who is now 2. He cant handle that I am not working, he daily tells me our life is so terrible since I dont work. That we will never have anything unless I get a job. <p>I have explained, we live in a city with no jobs, only one place I could work, and I appllied for nights and weekends several times with nothing available. Everything else is over an hour away. I cant see working all night and trying to take care of 3 kids all day, and never seeing my husband on weekends, but if that will make him happy I will do it. I will not pay daycare for 3 kids, to make less than it cost, and I will not leave my kids in daycare 50 hours a week. I just will not do it.. it is not worth it. I really cant believe also this is the only ting killing our marriage, but in his opinion me not working is killing us. <p>So now what do I do... he still has not added my name back onto his bank account, so he holds all finacial things over me. He knows I can not leave, I have no money at all. Yes, we should go to counseling, but he wont go, he has already said no, and yes, I should go, but once again, I have no money and he wont give me any. I also made an agreement with my husband not to babysit anymore, he could not stand coming home to other peoples children. <p>I am going insane and I feel like I am locked in prison forever. I have no way out and it hurts so much to love him so much and it is like he only loves me when he is not in control. I have to beg each week for gas for my car, grocery money or anything the kids need. He gets angry at all I do, and he does not even seem like he wants to try. <p>How could he change from loving wonderful husband who wanted to do everything possible for our marriage and to make me happy, back to this monster? I must be contributing, I know it is me letting myself be treated like this. But how do I change? And what do I do? I just dont see divorce as an answer. And I can not admit to anyone that I came back to this for it only to be worse.
Thanks for any advice, sorry so long
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married 11 years
3 kids
seperated 4 years ago for 8 months

Good morning. I like yourself, am brand new here and just posted a few days ago for the very first time as well. I can surely appreciate your position. Although, I am really not in any position to offer advice. I can assure you that once some of the veterans read your posts, you will get replies and some good advice.<p>For myself, I read as much as I can here and I have also bought Dr. Harleys books for self help purposes. Since my WS or wayward spouse really does not have any interest at this time. But it has helped me a great deal.<p>Here is a link to my first post which was only a few days ago in this forum.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=017906<p>Best of luck and you WILL get replies that WILL help you!<p>Mr. Florida

Dear Natural mom,<p>Welcome to marriage builders. This place is just that....marriage builders. Here we share ideas and support then there are those on the out rim (Steve and Jennifer) who can offer professional advice. <p>I would like to encourage you to do the following:<p>1. read the concepts section located at the top of your screen. <p>2. If you can either purchase or borrow from the library, the following books - His Needs/Her Need, Giver/Taker (both are by Dr W. Harley) and the book the Surrendered Wife. <p>3. Go back to the concepts section and take the emotional needs questionnaire. <p>4. Post back to us your thoughts. <p>re: Your H does have issues. Like many of us, communication is the first major hurdle. Some (like your H) only react when their world is falling apart but rarely react to the needs of others. You will learn via the tools above how to cope with that problem. Pretty common male problem. However as you will see reading here, not 'all' men are that way. WE have some very very good male communicators posting at MB. Read their thoughts also, it may give insight. <p>Remember this, you can NOT change your H anymore than he can change U. But you can learn how to appeal to his sense of changing. <p>This is not brain surgery (maybe for some - LOL!!) but think about this as you are rearing your children. U will see lots of similarities. The frustrating piece will be how to interact with your H if he is acting childishly. <p>Take Care,
L.

naturalmom -<p>Are you still in the military? I'm a BS with a WH that is ex-military, its a hard life that most people never understand until they've lived it. What our husbands dont get is that we are the ones who hold everything together. they have to leave all the time and who is left home to take care of the kids, house, bills, ect... we are.... without us they would never be able to do it and I'm sure this is what your H saw when you left last time! We were in for 8 years and over that 8 years we had 2 children and after pressure from my H I went back to work when our youngest was 1 - I had tried to convice my H that me working wouldnt make a difference but he didnt understand - between daycare for both girls, clothes for work, lunch at work, gas for the car, the list could go on.... we were actually making less money then before I worked - sure we looked better on paper but we got deeper and deeper into debt, you see the neverending cycle in many military families. I thought things would get better when we got out but unfortunately my H now blams me for us getting out (I wanted to come home to family) and he misses the adventure, people, wants to be in this current war.... I dont have any answers for you but maybe a few things you can try.<p>A) find out what his EN's are and do everything in your power to meet those needs, I found out my H wanted me to be more agressive, he was always the one to initate sex and wanted me to do more.... we didnt have sex for about 2 months and now we are doing it about 3 times a week with me being the one to start it about 1/2 the time, he got tired of being the one doing everything and actually thought I didnt care<p>B) work on you -find a hobby, join some groups, If your still in the military I know most posts have Mom groups - and alot of the day cares have mother day out programs where you can work a few hours a week and then be able to leave your kids when needed. I found alot of other wives in the same boat as me.<p>C) talk to him! communication is my biggest problem, I can tall to anyone but my H - i was always afraid of making him mad but I'm working on it.<p>I wish you luck - I'm sure there are many others here that can give you better advice since I'm fairly new here myself but dont worry everyone is very helpful and will listen to anything you want to whine about.

Up - Natural Mom - are you around?