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My h is involved in a *friendship* that I know is an emotional affair. He calls her his best friend. They went several times on day bus trips with coworkers.4 mnths ago he went by car with her alone and didn't tell me about it. Their reason, I would get mad. They take break together almost daily. I found her vac. sched and weekly sched with her days off circled in his briefcase. I no longer let him go on bus trips if she is along unless I go. She says she doesn't want to go if I go. They share very personal info about each other and she is aware that I don't like her because I feel she is a threat to my marriage. H has admitted she told him she knows he has feelings for her. They share a locker on the work floor and he has his own office. About 5 mo. ago I began to think somehing is going on. H says they have never kissed or embraced, I believe him. However, I know that to him that means there is not a problem. I called her and told her she was the reason we were in counciling. She angrily stated they are just friends. Maybe to her, but to H it is an important friendship that he is not willing to give up. Please give me feedback. Is this an EA? How do I handle it? Yesterday I foung a note to her saying Happy 41st birthday, I owe you 41 lottery tickets. He signed it Love ya. When I confronted him, he was sorry I found it. He didn't want to hurt me. He said I give my best friend gifts, why shouldn't he. My best friends are female and I never tell them love ya. Please give my guidance. Finding that note is almost the last straw. It really has me devestated. He sees no problem with the relationship except that I don't like it

Hi!
I saw your post earlier today and am online again at 10 pm - see no-one else has responded yet - <p>Just want to say that you have come to the right place to try to sort out your marriage and hopefully will get some good feedback here. Have you read any of the articles in the Basic Concepts section yet? <p>I first posted here in Feb - on Just Found Out and later in this forum - you can find my posts by using the Search engine - I don't know how to cut and paste my thread into this Reply thingy yet.<p>My H has had 2 EAs in the last 18 months - I found out about the second in Feb, and before I found this site, I punched him - I had thought we had recovered our marriage from the first one - he had only plunged headlong into a second - 2 weeks later, I posted here - it has been v difficult - at Easter, I finally told him I wanted a separation - that was when he got himself into counselling - he has had 4 sessions and still has not started to speak to me about any of this, but I am giving him time - still may end up with confrontation later on down the line, so I am not letting go of the support I have found here - <p>Just want to let you know that I sympathize with the pain you feel. Even though my H insists his "friendship" is innocent and not physical - all the other dimensions of an affair are present - lying, deception, fascination with other person - there are some helpful websites - www.dearpeggy.com and www.midlife.com - my H still needs to "get it" that an EA is just as destructive to a marriage as a PA - in some ways, more so, and that there is no justification for it. If he has problems in his marriage, he owes it to you to do everything he can to work it out with you instead of looking for gratification with another person.<p>Please don't give up on posting - I'm sure someone with more experience and a longer-term perspective will come along soon.
You are not alone in being deeply wounded by your WS attachment to someone else, even if he says it isn't physical. <p>Take care
Odile

I don't wish to alarm you, but if it smells like fish....it's fish or something close to it. My H told me for the longest time that our tenant (and his OW) was "just a friend." I believed him at first and wanted to believe him thereafter. It hurt too much not to. Then, as I reaped more evidence that uncovered a lot of hanky panky, he finally told me the truth. He had a longterm PA with this woman and all the signs were there, I just chose to "trust" him. When I finally got out of my own fog, I confronted him with my knowledge and he caved. Not only was I relieved that he respected me enough to tell me the truth, but I was also relieved to know that I was NOT insane. <p>We are presently in recovery; trying to regain the trust and respect that was undermined during the A. We are fortunate to be able to clear this major hurdle in our lives. It takes work and a lot of patience. It's a daily struggle but one worth the strife.

bmarrowt,<p>Welcome. I am sorry that you have to be here, but it is a helpful place. As the BS of a man involved in an EA, you might be interested in the situation of mmseekingadvice who has been in an EA but has not told his wife (as far as we know). <p>Here is a link to his most recent thread. If you want to read more, you can search for his earliest posts.<p>web page<p>Have you read the Harley's advice on the main site? It's a good place to start. Then get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs.<p>More people will be online tomorrow. The weekends are slow. Keep posting. Be giving some thought to your boundaries. What will you tolerate and not tolerate? One truth is that you cannot force him to change, but you can be thinking about how you will react to his relationship with the OW and decide how you will be taking care of yourself until the affair is over. <p>Wishing you well,
Estes

Sorry to hear what's happening to you, and welcome to MB. I agree with GeezLouis...it sounds fishy to me. Especially if your H doesn't want to give up his "friendship" with this woman, being that he knows it is causing problems in your relationship. You said that he wrote Love ya in a card...well I don't tell my male friends that I love them. So investigate carefully honey...because they go on trips together and she won't go if you go. That's a clue that there is more than he admits. Listen to your gut...it's always right.

My was in a quite serious emotional A with a single coworker last year. I didn't realize how far 'in ' he was with her until after d-day. I can tell you from reading one zillion books on affairs that this type of A is the hardest to break off and the most likely to lead to divorce so be prepared and read read read! I suggest you start with Harley's guide Surviving and Affair and Emily Brown's book- Affairs. They both detail how emotional affairs unfold and the consequences. Take care- many people on here can help guide you thru this! lifeismessy