My husband has been having an affair for almost a year now, although it has cooled down, thank goodness. But his low self-esteem, which led to the affair, has not really improved, and now he has enrolled in school to give himself something to feel good about. But now that he's got the school, he is unabashed in his statement that school is his first priority, while our 16-year-old son and I trail somewhere behind.<p>This is hard for all of us to take, and although I have been doing plan A, I have not always been able to hold my tongue as I should. Thursday I came home from work to find that my husband had moved away for 1-1/2 weeks until the test is over. He doesn't want the tensions in the family to stand in the way of his passing the test.<p>Our son, who has always been close to his dad but who was subjected to a month-long separation from his dad late last year, went ballistic when he heard that his dad was gone again. Always an impulsive kid, he smashed some equipment in my husband's darkroom and sent my husband some threatening instand messages on his cell phone.<p>Now my husband seems bent on a longer or permanent separation, because he doesn't want to be around his son. I keep telling my husband that he can't separate from "you guys" -- he sees us both as the enemy. Instead I must remind him that he can only separate from me. But he sees us as a package deal. I see him as very immature and unable to be the "adult" in a situation that demands it.<p>In the meantime I'm stuck in the middle. Perhaps this is an issue for a family counselor instead of a marriage counselor, because I think things could be good between us if it were only the two of us. Prior to his recent moving out, I had been filling all of my husband's emotional needs that he would allow (by my husband's own admission).<p>My question is: have any of you been the in my situation where it's a conflict between one person and the child rather than a conflict between the partners that causes the marriage to falter? What did you do? Thanks in advance for any advice.<p>Bridget

Bump ^ ^

bj,<p>This is really frustrating, I wrote a post & then lost it<p>I'm wondering if H isn't focusing on problems with S as a way of getting away. Just a thought. <p>I'm really tired & will check back & finish the whold post I lost.<p>God Bless

Children often act out the emotions of the parents. This makes it 'safer'. As it's 'safer' for you H to leave under this pretext. <p>The best thing you and your husband could do would be to show a strong united front to your son and deal with him head on. Counseling and some dad/son time would work wonders too. Also, it does seem that your son has some problems that need serious attention. Angry at your dad or not, this angry outburst sounds very scary.<p>So isn't dad going to help his son handle this?<p>I'm dealing with kid issues that have resulted from an affair and a subsequent divorce. I'm about to give up on my step daughter who has decided that the way to get her mother to love her is to make my life a living hell. Her mom walked out a few years ago to live with the OM. But somehow, even though I did not even know her father then, it's all my fault. Kids, like the rest of us make their own hells. Parents need to stand together as a strong team. Many children, work very hard at triangulating the family dynamics so that they control the situation. Gives them a lot of power.<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

I to have gone through a similiar situation. My wife left me and the five kids around 2 1/2 months ago. She meat a guy three weeks previous to leaving me/kids, moved in with him, and is now trying to resolve some problems with the kids. She has indicated all the problems were between us, but we had a child that bordered on being psyhchotic with anger mangement issues. We fought to get some control for around five years,a dn finally got him to see some counselling and on some medication that helped with the problems. I can only say what we went through with this child was so horrible over the years, that I believed if we didn't get control that our marriage and family would fail. Just after we seemed to get control fo his problems is when she seemed to lose it. I don't know if it is depression or what, but she is still out there in another world. She now is indicating she wants the kids to come live with her and this other guy, but I have told her that I don't believe she could handle it. She indicated for so long that she was at her wits edge, and I was trying to help, but we could not get the help for the boy that we needed. As a result I am constantly dealing with the fallout of my wifes choices now. I can only say that a spouse that cannot handle these types of problems, will most likely never be able to provide any more then a small amount of support, and trying for that may be the best you can get for now. Good luck, I think the family counselor is a excellent idea if he will go.

I haven't been in the same situation, but I think based upon what you have said, that your H sees you and your S as being the same. I don't know if you do this or not but if you share your frustrations about your M or H to your S, you may be placing some burden on him. I don't know if you are doing this, but if you do, I would recommend shielding him from M problems. I know your H is the main cause, but examine your actions to see if there's something you can do to protect him from the pain. Your S is acting out violently, and that is a bad sign. I wouldn't wait to get professional counseling for both of you.<p>Best Wishes