I would like some advice. My husband and I have been married 6 years; no children (he has 2 from a previous marriage). My husband left me in early February for another woman. I was immediately forced into Plan B as he refused to speak with me. He moved his girlfriend and her children into his house. He threw her and her children out in late April.<p>During his A, he became very ill and was hospitalized for a week. After he split with his girlfriend in April, he became very ill again and was even telling people he might die (he's dramatic). I told him through a friend that I would like to talk to him if he was willing. I thought that since the A was over, he would be willing to talk and maybe get marriage counseling. At first he seemed interested, but I didn't hear anything for a week. I broke down and sent him a very short e-mail saying I was sorry to hear he had been so ill, that I was concerned about him and if he ever wanted to talk to call me. He responded via e-mail the next day stating he would keep it in mind but he didn't see himself calling as it would be just too difficult. He said if he thought it would work he would try. He then said that maybe would meet up again in a few years after he no longer had his "baggage". (He was referring to his teenage son who was living with us and caused all our problems). I also believe he has a new girlfriend but do not have confirmation of this. I was told he found a babysitter for his 15 year old son and leaves him with the sitter 24 hours a day. I believe he has given up on his son (a very long story-but the son has committed numerous felonies and will probably be dropping out of school soon).<p>I am desperately trying to move on. Especially after the e-mail I received from him. I am finding right now that the worst part is my loneliness. I have many friends and a great family but even when I am with them I feel an emptiness that only my husband could fill. The weekends are the worst.<p>I have a very close male friend. He was a friend for many years to both my husband and I. My husband will not speak to any of our friends including him so we have gravitated toward each other. I am going on a trip with this friend this weekend. Right now, we are strictly friends, but I believe something more could easily develop, especially this weekend; it would be may call as my friend is very respectful of my feelings. My husband has told people that he believes I am alreay romatically involved with this person. I sent word back to him that this was not true; that I was not romantically involved with anyone. I believe he is just using that as an excuse to justify what he is doing. Do I remain friends with this man and hope that my husband comes back to me someday? I admit I am having strong feelings for my friend. He has been very supportive through this mess and listened to me but has never taken sides or said anything negative about my husband. Do I go on with my life and pursue a new relationship? I am continuing with Plan B and plan never contacting my husband again unless he makes the first move. But I cannot wait forever. I am confused....

your husband doesnt sound like he wants to be married, My personal opinion if this isnt going to work, then get divorced and then have a relationship with your friend.
But this is marriage builders, so make sure that is what is best for you.

Thanks "mom of five" for your reply. You're right, I think he wants to have "fun" right now. But he is the type that needs a stable woman. I saw a lawyer on my husband's insistence in early February. He even paid my attorney $4,000.00 as a retainer. The sticky thing is my husband is an attorney also. He has retained a friend to represent him. However, my husband has done nothing to proceed with the divorce and its been over 3 months. He is supposed to provide financial information so we can prepare a separation agreement. I think he is having second thoughts.

Fingers 1258;
You do have a choice here but you may have to make him decide one way or the other. What happen lately with my GF (read What do you think?) I when to her in person( over the phone is too impersonal for this) and told her If she was thinking of trying to save her marriage(for the 3rd or 4th time) them I have to go,and I would go volintary. That meant she would have never seen me again ever. But if she wishes to presue a life with me then he has to go and she has to put her foot down with her family( by the way I'm in and was very upset that I would even come to her with that). I'm using a version of plan B so I can get a difinitive answer one way or the other and is prepared to accept the outcome good or bad.
If I was you I would hold off going anywhere with any body until you get an proper answer of yes or no. A word of advice if the answer is no, then move on, don't look back, don't go back. Give a clear message yourself and stick to your guns. And don't do what the GF did when her old boyfreind went to jail. She got into a relationship on the rebound and married a jerk. Now she regrets the decision. At lest with us we have been seeing each other for a while.<p>231<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: 231 ]</p>

Before we split and I lost total contact with him I begged him to go to marriage couseling and I would do anything to save the marriage. When I e-mailed him several weeks ago, I told myself that it would be the last attempt on my part. It is almost degrading. If he wanted to save the marriage, he would have to contact me. I told him in my final response that I was sorry he felt that he couldn't call me; that I would always love him; my family would always love him, but if he felt this way to proceed with the divorce. I wished him luck with his future. Now I have heard nothing; no paperwork from his lawyer. I hear from a friend that he is having very, very difficult times. He is extremely stubborn and is probably embarassed as to what he has done. I've been told that nothing has worked out for him since he left me and he has been very ill (mostly from stress). I feel that I did try and reach out to him and it is now his turn. I just can't take any more rejection. It hurts that I want to help him and take care of him but I can't.

So the question here is what do you want? I would go somewhere by yourself, sit, and do some real soul searching before you make your decision final. When my ex-wife came to me and said she was moving out I told her there's the door and don't come back. I never looked back, never went back.I was comtimplating on leaving after seven years of hell and she came to me and gave me an out. I know what I want in life except I have to get the GF to decide if she is going to get her act together and make it happen or I may have to move on with the hopes she follows.<p>231 [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

It sounds simple but it's not. I have done nothing but being by myself, soul searching, etc. for the last 4 months and I am really getting tired of this consuming my entire life. That's one of the reasons I am posting here - to get other people's perspectives, especially people with similar circumstances or experiences. How do I let go? Can I ever totally let go?

Separated is married.<p>Not divorced is married.<p>Having an unfaithful spouse is married.<p>Married people don't date.<p>Married people shouldn't go for a weekend with an opposite sex friend that they are attracted to and think something may happen with.<p>You are compounding your problems.<p>If you are done with your marriage, get the divorce, then start dating.<p>Wouldn't you like to look back at your actions and say, "I behaved honorably and I have no regrets?"

So very true. That is why I am struggling so much. The ball is in my husband's court concerning the divorce. He has to provide the financial information before anything more can be done so I am at a standstill concerning that aspect of my life. Right now, my friend and I are going away as friends only. In fact, when we get to our destination, we will be going our separate ways-me to the pool; he's going to the blackjack table. So nothing is definite and I really appreciate your advice; it helps. We have non-refundable airline tickets and I really need to get out of town. More than likely, nothing will happen and we will just remain very good friends right now. He is not pushing me at all for a relationship but is there for me when I need to talk. Pretty good strategy on his part, right!!?? I do believe it would complicate things even more in my mind and emotions if something did happen. It's just that loneliness thing again.....

Do what you think is best Fingers. Just keep plutonic as not to more confused than you alright are. Lor, what you say is right but GF has been trying to get her D and all he does is play games and does every thing he can to get her pissed.But this thing with him lately is cause of him being a lazy [censored], he has used everyone just to get a place to stay free,and meal to boot. Not the GF fault, its souly belongs to her family meddling and being conned good by him. So she isn't letting him hold her back thats why we date. Would you let a jerk dictate your life from the side lines or would you get somekind of life until you get things settled.<p>231

Fingers,
I know I was pretty abrupt, but I've been there, done that. 18 months of Plan A during 6 separations, H's PA with a co-worker. In the 7th separation, I served D papers, started dating a good friend THEN my H had a complete change of heart and wanted our marriage. <p>Having the OM in my life really complicated things, made our reconciliation less likely, more difficult. I did stop seeing the OM and reconciled with my H (2 years ago), but both of us being BS/WS with all the issues of both has made the recovery slower and tougher.<p>I regret not following an honorable path. <p>And, the OM was hurt, and, though he made his decisions to be involved with me before I was divorced, I still feel wrong about involving him.<p>I also regret hurting my H, because 2 wrongs do not make a right and there is never justification for an affair, even for a BS.

231,
This is MARRIAGE BUILDERS. She's not a girlfriend, she's somebody's else's wife.

Lor: Thanks for your words of wisdom. Sounds like we have some things in common. When you had your affair did you think your husband would come back to you? At this point, I really have no hope of his coming back. It is just wishful thinking.

Fingers,
It was 2 years after my H's PA had begun with his co-worker, the PA was supposed to have been over for 4 months, but I went to his office and discovered him emailing her. It was our 7th separation. There really wasn't any reason for me to think our marriage was going to make it.<p>I had done the 18 month Plan A, so I had put forth all the effort I felt I was capable of ... he'd still left me that 7th time.<p>The OM was a friend, available, wanted to help me out, would have paid for my divorce--or anything else. I really thought it was time for me to give up on my H and move on with my life.<p>And perhaps it was, just not the way I did it.<p>Part of me still loved my H and considered my marriage to be the optimal outcome.<p>Even if my H & I hadn't reconciled, I think I would have come to the conclusion that relationship with the OM was ill-timed and ill-considered. Since we did reconcile, I certainly feel it was dishonorable and poor judgement on my part.<p>And that was 18 months after our first separation, you're only 3 months...that doesn't seem like much time to me, but I know how slowly the time seems to move during the bad times.<p>You can't control your spouse's behavior, but you can control your own, and it's no fun to discover you've stepped off the path you've set for yourself and made things worse.<p>All things considered, my H & I are doing great. We're in love, we have fun together, we're partners, but the first year of recovery was very difficult as trust and accountabiliby, honesty were issues for both of us.<p>If your friend is a good guy and truly wants what is best for you, he'll back off until your emotions and legalities are settled. <p>You aren't legally available and you are vulnerable...there are people out there who want to be a rescuing white knight and there are people who are predators...and you may not be able to tell which is which until later and both of those kinds tend to be the moving on kind.<p>Be careful with your emotions at this time, after dealing with a WS for awhile, anyone can seem nice.

DO NOT COMPLICATE YOUR LIFE AND BREAK YOUR WEDDING VOWS. It's not worth it at all. I do not understand why you are going on a trip with a male 'friend' when you are still married. This site is all about saving marriages. Not jumping from one relationship to the next. That will get you nowhere.<p>If you end up with this friend, you have about a 3% chance of ending up with him. Not worth it is it? You'll probably ruin the friendship in the process.<p>Almost all affairs start with 'friends just talking.' Don't be another statistic.

Fingers 1258,<p>I had to jump in and give you my 2 cents. I had an EA before I knew for sure that my WW was having an EA/PA. I suspected something was wrong, but instead of trying to work things out I went an started an EA with someone who was very close to both my WW and me. <p>It didn't take me very long to realize that what I did was wrong so I stopped the EA. But the damage was already done. My WW found out, and then I found out that what I suspected about her "friend" was true. <p>Not so long ago my wife moved out. One of the main reasons she used was my EA. She "can't forgive" me. <p>One of my favorite quotes from MB is "two wrongs don't make a right, but two lefts do" Nothing I can do will ever take back the fact that I broke my marriage vows. <p>My WW and I are not in recovery, she still lives on her own and is with OM. But I have faith that she will eventually come back to the real world.<p>Your R with your friend sounds like it may already be an EA. The fact that you are thinking that it might "go somewhere" is evidence enough of that. <p>When you said
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He is not pushing me at all for a relationship but is there for me when I need to talk. Pretty good strategy on his part, right!!?? <hr></blockquote> Your right it is a good strategy. If what you want is an A of your own. What he should be doing is avoiding you. <p>Like Lor said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Separated is married. Not divorced is married.
<hr></blockquote> You need to decide what you want. Your BH might be in withdrawl or he could be in another A. Either way it doesn't mean that your M is over. <p>I'm a newcomer here. I realize that there is a very long road ahead of me. One that hopefully will end up with my M being restored.<p>I guess then main point to my long post is that you shouldn't give up hope. Not this early in the game. And you definately shouldn't start an A of your own. Not while you are still married and confused about your BH's intentions. Take the fact that he hasn't pursed the D as a sign that he is confused 2. Don't press the issue. <p>Feeling Lost