A little over a year ago I got involved with the OM. It lasted about 6 weeks, my H found out and things were pretty bad for a while. He stayed home though and agreed to work on our marriage with me. He was very distant not coming home right after work, sometimes for hours, sometimes not at all. At first I thought he couldn't be around me because of all the pain I caused him. Then I found out he was having an A. He stayed another couple of weeks telling me the whole time he didn't have anything to do with her anymore. Then he moved out, too much pain for him to deal with he said. From the day he moved out he would still come home 3-4 times a week to spend time with me and the kids. I thought he was working on our marriage but just a little at a time. We would be intimate when he came over, I would fix him dinner and we would have great conversation, but he would never stay. I would end up crying and begging him to stay(I know pretty pathetic) and he would always leave. This lasted for about a month and a half and then I found out from our kids that he had moved in with OW and been living with her the whole time. He had been bringing the kids to her house on his weekends. He told our kids it was their secret don't tell mom. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I confronted him and of course he denied it(he said the kids are still little they don't know what they are talking about). So on a night when I knew he would be at her house I went over there and caught him red-handed. He left her a week later and moved back home to "work on our marriage" again. Things(I thought) were going great then three weeks later he became distant again, started not coming home, etc. I did some snooping and found he moved into OW house again. He had been telling me he was staying at his dads house, hotels etc. This went on for a couple of weeks and then he moved back home. This has been more than six months ago and things are great, no more distance between us, OW is out of picture for good(restraining order is making sure of that). The thing is he thinks his A was justified, and tells me, "well if you had not started this I would have never cheated on you". So in his eyes does that mean it is ok? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] This makes me crazy, the subject doesn't come up that often but really which is worse an A or a revenge A? I think they are equally wrong. I also think he knew the pain his A would cause because he was going though it that pain himself. Sometimes I think he intentionally set out to hurt me.<p>Sorry, I just had to vent about something that has been bothering me.
Just wanted to know your input on this. Should I just forget about it or is it a necessary part of recovery for him to realize regardless of why he had the revenge A it was still just as wrong as me having an A?<p>DU

It is very common for BS’s to have a secondary affair. Some times they are revenge affairs. Sometimes it is just the BS’s way of dealing with the pain of the original affair. While it is true that you opened a Pandora’s box with your affair, his is not more ‘ok’ then yours was.<p>Unfortunately you are now both left with this mess. Have you read the book ‘Surviving an Affair’? It is a road map of how to go about recovering your marriage.

definitely,
MB says that unmet needs may contribute to the vulnerability of the WS to begin an affair. But, if you look then at the BS, who meets ENs less/worse than a WS?--who almost inevitably damages the BS's self-esteem, lies, may abandon, may abuse....<p>Really after some time with a WS, anybody can seem nice.<p>The WS's actions do put the BS into a state of vulnerability that is probably worse than what state the WS was in when they began their A.<p>Still, you aren't to blame for your H's actions. He chose that path and he can't justify it because of your actions.<p>THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR AN AFFAIR.<p>Betrayal is betrayal and always hurts. Added factors may make some situations seem worse, like separations, living with the OP, OW or WS pregnancy, BS becoming WS/WS becoming BS.<p>But there is really no point in saying the secondary A is worse because they knew the pain it causes...because the first WS knew how painful betrayal is, otherwise, why hide it? Why lie? Because the WS knows they are hurting the BS, but they put their own desires ahead of that.<p>The good news is, you can get through this. My H & I have. But each of you have your issues doubled since both of you are BS, both of you are WS. You both have to be repentent, accountable, honest, loving, protective, practice policy of joint agreement AND be patient and forgiving.<p>If you want to save your marriage, find a really good counselor and plan on seeing them for several months. Steve or Jennifer Harley offer phone counseling through this site.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by definitely unsure:
[QB]The thing is he thinks his A was justified, and tells me, "well if you had not started this I would have never cheated on you". So in his eyes does that mean it is ok?"<p>I really hope I can express this without sounding like I'm condoning "revenge" affairs or my own behavior. <p>My FWH had a year-long+ affair in 1990-91. I had been living in a cocoon of naivete my entire life until D-Day#1. I thought things like that simply didn't touch my family. Wrong. I was very conservative in my dress, my actions, my speach; everything before my world was completely ripped apart. My self-esteem and self-confidence went to zero, and I felt worthless and hopeless. I lost 45 lbs. and started dressing provocatively. I literally became another person, and no one understood (except H and parents). Other guys started to notice me and hit on me -- I was sending off the "available" vibes. Of course, I ended up having an affair, too. It only caused more pain and confusion in my life. My H was almost relieved, because he felt things were almost "even" then. <p>What I'm saying is, NO I don't think a revenge affair - or an affair of any kind - is EVER justifiable or o.k. But, I do understand a little of what your was saying. I know for a fact that if my H had not torn our marriage and my heart apart, I wouldn't have become the tortured and confused woman that went looking for something to make me feel better about myself. I wanted someone to re-affirm my worth and value as a woman...know what I mean? I wanted someone to want me like my FWH wanted his OW. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Turns out my H was having another A at the same time, so our marriage was really screwed up. Thank God we've restored our relationship, and we're best friends.<p>Sorry this was so long winded. Lots to say.
Definitely Unsure, I'm so sorry you and your H are going thru this pain, and I pray that you both heal together and come out smiling! Even tho there are still bumps and pains in your situation, it certainly sounds like you're on the path to restoration. Good luck!<p>at peace

Thanks for your replies, keep them coming. <p>Lor,
speaking of POJA, we are having a problem with that at the moment. The POJA says that we take no action until we are both in enthusiastic joint agreement. Well my H wants me to go to a family gathering that his father will be attending. Since this mess started his father has shown blatent disrespect for me. I don't want to go to this thing and my H wants me to. How does POJA work here because the way I see it one of us will be unhappy either way, unless we agree.<p>At peace,
I think the affair my H had was just a revenge affair, he can be a vengeful person. If you hurt him he will pay you back times ten.<p>DU

I think the answer there is to DO NOTHING until a mutually satisfactory agreement has been reached.<p>Then, see if you can understand the WHY behind each of your positions. After that, brainstorm solutions that take the WHYS into account. For example, your H may or may not understand WHY you don't want to go. Do you understand the reason he wants you to go? Can you come up with some solutions that will meet both of your positions? For example, if you don't want to go because of the way you FIL treats you, what solutions can you come up with that takes this into consideration? Why does your H want you to go? What solutions could you both come up with that would take his reasons into account?<p>I know this is difficult. I would not want to go where I was going to be mistreated either.