From the Hurts and Betrayals chapter of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum:<p>Diagnostic question: Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have the sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?<p>Guideline:
If, according to the following timetable, there continues to be a lessening in the sense of pain and hurt and fear and anger after the "crime" you or your partner committed, then there's a good chance that your relationship can heal the damage caused by this "crime". In that case, if this was the main reason you were thinking of leaving the relationship, the odds are in your favor that it's too good to leave. Quick take: Time heals all healable wounds.<p>Here's the timetable for measuring whether there's been a healing of the damage:<p>

• The first month. Any slight hint of cooling off at all in the first month is a good sign. This could include moments when you can talk about something other than the "crime" without tears or anger, even though you're still guarded. It could even include an inner feeling of hope that the two of you can get beyond this. The avoidance of hysterical, acting-out reactions that actually make things worse is another good sign.
• After the first month. Any small or temporary reestablishment of your prior relationship is a good sign, combined with the ability to take the first steps toward dealing productively with what happened. Some examples of healing to look for after the first month are that you begin to talk for several minutes about what happened before you get upset again; you find yourself falling into your old intimacy patterns for a day or so at a time; you begin to entertain the possibility of one day trusting each other again; there's simply less emotional pain coming up spontaneously with the thought of what happened.
• After the first year. It's a good sign when there are periods as long as two or three months in which your relationship is on its old footing, combined with periods equally as long when the "crime" isn't foreground. The mention of people, places, and events associated with the "crime" is less upsetting. You can listen to your partner's explanation of what the crime meant to him without getting very upset. You can talk about what happened without feeling the same degree of pain you first felt and without spiraling into hurt and anger.
• After the first five years. It's a good sign if you've arrived at some sense of exactly where your relationship was damaged and if it seems as though this specific damage is significantly healing; if you don't avoid talking about what happened but actually bring it up; if the issue of trust and what's needed to rebuild it has been brought out into the open and you're making progress toward regaining trust.

<p>By the time five years are up, you should be able to formulate what you learned from your mistakes and what you can do to prevent them in the future. Each person should be able to take responsibility for what he did without there being a sense of blame. The two of you should be able to start feeling good about yourselves as a couple in spite of what happened.<p>This framework is rough. Individuals will vary.....The point, though, is to look for some healing overall, as measured by:<p>

• A less painful wound between you in the short run
• A resumption of ordinary relationship activities in the medium run
• The ability for both of you to deal productively and nonavoidantly with the wound and what caused it in the long run

<p>[The Guideline] is important because people often don't even know how to begin to think about what a "crime" really means to their relationship. But merely because something bad happened is not a sign that the relationship is too bad to stay in. If you can see that healing is happening, then you can feel comfortable knowing that you're going through a healing process and that you'll survive the wound intact.
---------------------------<p>The other diagnostic question and guideline to follow--hopefully tomorrow. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

my dear friend conqueror-thank you so much for this post. i so needed it right now. you are definately one of my quiet angels!

Conquerer,
I'm really glad to see you working your way through this book..I did when I was in plan B (gosh, that was over a year ago), and did it again about 2 months ago...after feeling pretty burned out by recovery and not sure if I wanted to go on..or how to go on.<p>I noticed the second time around..besides evaluating what was good, what was bad..I also wrote down "If I stay I will......." and made it into more of an action plan.<p>Don't know if that helps much in your situation..I know you're pretty depleted right now, but in mine, it made me evaluate my relationship a little more clearly in terms of what I wanted, what I had tried, what didn't work, and where I needed to make changes.<p>I tried to be really honest with myself in terms of not doing something to force or control a reaction from him. It was more looking at myself, my boundaries, ways I could communicate my feelings or needs better, if what I was looking for was realistic at the present time or a possibility for the future. <p>Take this question. The first time I answered it, the answer was a resounding NO! And I proceeded to pour my heart out into my journal (had a special one just for this book) exactly how I felt about the crime, and what I wanted him to do for his punishment.<p>The second time, I was honest and realized that there had been some lessening of the pain. But I also listed what was keeping the pain alive inside of me..not what he could do to lessen it, but what I percieved as the reason I still felt un-safe. In my case, I had to write out specific fears, and then figure a way to be able to communicate..not so much to shift responsibility to him to solve, more for informational purposes.<p>So keep some of that in mind as you work through this book. It's wonderful for organizing thoughts especially when your mind is scattered!
T

Conqueror, I have a book by the same author called "Our love is too good to feel so bad." I find it helpful, but my H says it's obvious it's written by a woman.

Conqueror,
I had that book during the early separation/reconciliations. I scored us as too bad to stay.<p>Glad to be wrong [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>That book scared the heck out of me, though.

Lor,
It scared me too..as i said..first time I read it I was almost too full of anger. But second time around, when looking for changes I needed to make with or without him...it was a pretty valuable tool.
T

Thanks.. that post was much needed as I approach three years of healing.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and comments. I was thinking as I'm getting to the end of this book that I'm going to need to read it again to better absorb it, so I really appreciate your sharing how you utilized the book, Twyla.<p>I've been bumped twice while trying to post the remainder of what I wanted to excerpt, once when I was painfully close to hitting the "Add Reply" button and the second time when I was halfway finished [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . Now I don't have enough time before H will be home, so I'll have to try again tomorrow. Sorry for the delay.