My H told me this past weekend after moving out that he is not having an affair but told me I am unattractive and have been for the 14 yrs of our marriage. My H stated that I am a 95 in everything (mother/wife etc), he even siad I was nice looking, but not what he dreamed in a wife. I asked him why he married me and and stay in a marriage for 14 yrs if he felt this way, he tells me, because of my excellent qualities. He also said he thought that desire for beauty would pass, but it has not.<p>He agreed to seek counseling, but since he's moved out he acts like he really does want to be close to me anymore. He comes over for dinner, but we have little interaction. He tells me he loves me and doen't want to hurt me anymore. My friends and family says that's his problem and not to take it personally, because they say I am pretty, which I know when I look in the mirror I don't see myself as being unattractive. How can I not take it personally, after 14 years, now you decided I'm ulgy.<p>My H said this problem with him wanting a prettier wife is like a alchol addiction. <p>This is scary, what can I do? No matter what I tried to do physically he will still feel the same. I'm afraid to even be around him, because in my mind I know he thinks I'm ulgy.<p>Can anyone give me some advice? <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I am sorry he is saying such things,
for years my husbands excuse for cheating was I was ugly and fat.. Now when I was 17 I was young and stupid, reality was, I wasnt ugly and I know I wasnt fat.. but you know what after years of him telling me so.. I started to believe it. It was mental abuse pure and simple, but I didnt realise it till I was well in my 30's Now husband looks at pictures and say OMG I didnt know you looked like that wow... too little too late in some cases, and I am thinking.. how could you not, i was right in your face... but you see mentally he wasnt with me any more. <p> why do they do it<p>I believe he did it to secure me where i was, while he was running around doing every one, it kept me at home humble and after all I couldnt get any one else.
I never had any self esteem issues before H but boy they sure came after him.
I cant say what I would say on here.. but let me tell you this.. YOU ARE NOT UGLY he is doing it to make him self feel better, and to hurt NO other reason.
do not let him do that to you.

(((ROSSE)))<p>Can you imagine yourself, in your most horrid mood .... that YOU would ever say anything this flat-out mean to someone you love??? I bet you cannot imagine it. I can't.<p>Your H is not to be believed. If you take his word (of your attractiveness) as gospel you will be following a false prophet. Imagine if your H said THIS to one of your children.....<p>"Hey there Junior, you are a great kid, but, just not good looking enough for me to be loyal to .... sorry Junior, I need to love a better looking kid. I've met a really handsome child next door, and because he is so much more handsome than you, and his skin color is lighter ... I love him, but not you. Sorry kiddo. I was just pretending to love you all these years."<p>What would you think of your H if he said this???<p>You'd think he was currently acting nutzzzzz...... well, he is. He is speaking bullpucky ..... don't buy it.<p>You CAN NOT control HIS feelings or HIS actions .... BUT you CAN control how his hurtful words affect you. Learn to recognize bullpucky when you hear it. If you're not sure .... change the words around so that he would be speaking about one of your kids ... THEN you can more clearly see what a farce he is trying to portray.<p>Tune out the bullpucky ... it is of no value.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

I am sure you are not ugly because he would never have married you. In my humble opinion (IMHO): The reason he thinks you are unatractive has nothing to do with the way you look physically or who you are as a person. It has all to do with the quality of the relationship. A good portion of how a guy feels about his wife depends upon how good and often the sex is. This is because one of the main emotional needs (EN) of a man is sexual fullfillment. In a marriage, sex normally is the first thing that gets dull. A women needs to feel emotionally connected to have sex and a guy needs sex to be emotionally connected. Most of the time you can tell how well a marriage is doing by how each partner feels about the sex life, and most often, only one of the partners think that the sex life is bad. To prevent from sounding like Freud, there are emotional needs that a guy needs, but these are often filled by the wife.<p>Please read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Also read some of the principles on this website. <p>Unfortunately, your friends and family are not entirely correct about whose problem his attraction to you is. You are both in some ways responsible for this. Once the relationship and sex begins to go sour, so does the man's attraction to his wife. I am most attracted to my wife when we are intimate. The worse our relationship and sex is, the less attracted to her I am. <p>The thing you need to do now is to work on your relationship with him, go to marriage counseling, read books, try to get him to open up about his feelings, and ask him what he thinks about sex. <p>I wish that your husband was not treating you so poorly. Guys can be really stupid some times. I was for a couple years, and my wife had an affair. We are still trying to patch things up. She has not decided to stop seeing or talking to the OM. I think she has made up for the pain I caused her the past couple years. So far the only good out of all of this is that I dropped around 15 pounds or so.<p>Good luck, and do not let anything your H says bother you. Rembember that you are very attractive and that his opinion of you only is a reflection of your relationship and not you as a person.

My H said pretty much the same thing to me during his A. I wasn't desirable. Which I found kinda odd, since I get hit on quite a bit. But it really was, at that time I was not desirable TO HIM.<p>In many cases the WS begins to find flaws within the BS to excuse their behavior in having the A.<p>I took it as a challenge. I did have some weight to lose, and the Infidelity Stress Diet took off 23 pounds. I also began working out, lifting weights, grew my hair, made it blonde, began tanning, wore more form-fitting clothes (I was a little on the frumpy/comfortable side of things). My H's housemate called me a hottie (he has since married the OW, weird guy, I visualize him hitting on me when I called when H was with her, hitting on the OW when she called & H was with me. A lottery of sorts.)<p>And, my H did find me attractive...but I felt angry about it in some ways, shouldn't he love ME as I am? But, I look at it as I would try to meet whatever EN he had as a high need, being attractive is a need I can meet...at least for now. I do exercise, I've gain back some of the weight, I'm not tanning--those crow's feet are a little intimidating as they deepen!<p>I find if I look my best, I feel more confident, if I feel confident, I look good.<p>Sometimes I think "not attractive" is a last WS defense, because in many ways, we are who we are, and who we want to be. It's something that either the BS doesn't particularly want to change or can't change. And, once I looked better...ummm, I wasn't a very good housekeeper, I was too angry, I was too sad, it would never work. <p>You will always have some flaw....<p>And, now, in recovery, my H tells me often how beautiful I am. I'm still a lousy housekeeper [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .

Whew! Is he ever swimming in a shallow pond!
How would I resond to a statement like that? Well, if I weren't a lady, with a swift kick you know where! It is a silly justification for his terrible behavior.

They make any excuse they can. Excuses mean nothing. Betcha a million your looks have nothing to do with it.<p>E

It's called fog. <p>It means they don't live it the same world that most of us do. It means they can't tell what's true and whats false. <p>Just plan A - and wait, you will find out what is fogging his brain. <p>Sorry for your pain. You don't deserve it.
SS

I'm not trying to take your H's side here, but I want to offer you some suggestions on what you might do. (Yes your husband is being cruel, verbally abusing you, and quite possible having an A - if he is having an A, consider it the fog talking).<p>If your H is NOT having an A, consider my story:<p>When my H married me, I had hair to my waist, weighed 115lbs, and dressed "cowgirl" style. About a year after we married, I had put on 15 lbs and took a professional job. Slowly I put away or out grew my cowgirl clothes and began wearing professional clothing, even when we went out. (conservative professional - I don't believe in looking like a slut at the office) The next step was to get a professional haircut - so WHACK - off it came. Through the next 8 years, he would comment from time to time that he wished I had my long hair back, or that he didn't like some particular outfit I had on, and my reply was always - you wear what you want to, and I'll wear what I want to. A very selfish attitude.<p>Then comes D-day. Next comes reading, researching, working on being a better wife. Guess what one of the first things I did was!!!!!!!
Started growing my hair long again. Why? Because I don't look at it anyway - so why shouldn't it be in a way that pleases him? We went shopping for some clothes for me TOGETHER. He picked out some jeans HE thought looked good on me, and those are the ones I wear when we go out. I lost weight (mainly due to depression) and have worked to keep it off. I'm not back down to my wedding day weight as 2 babies, and 8 years added another 15 lbs, but I'm within a reasonable reach. <p>What I'm trying to say is maybe some minor adjustments could reignite, recatch, whatever, his attention. Yes he's being shallow - no doubt about it, but if it weren't an important EN to have an attractive spouse, then the Harley's would have never included it on their questionnaire.<p>Get radical - ask him if he wants to finance a nose job or something for you - [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] If it costs him money (and he's like my H) he'll decide he likes it fine just the way it is!!!!!!!!!!

I want to thank all of you for your advice and insight. I will just wait and pray for patience until the fog lifts with my H. I don't think I will be doing any changes phyiscally because, I currently weigh 145 lbs, 5'6, long hair and according to my H the best qualities a W and mother can have. Therefore, I don't feel phyiscal change is necessary. Sexually, my H gets more than enough and he has not complained about this area yet.<p>My problem is understanding what his problem is. My H states his problem is an addiction, what kind of addiction?<p>I am trying with all that is within me to satisfy his ENs, but I feel he only gives me little attention. He is going to Michigan for the holiday to be with his family and friends, but me and the 5 kids sit home wishing we could go somewhere. I don't get it he begged me to reconcil and he wants counseling badly, but I still feel he treats me like a second hand shoe-used and woren out. He moved out a week ago and comes over for dinner every night, I also noticed he is distant but he tells me he will stop by before flying out tomorrow evening - I get alot of mixed feelings. I almost want to drop this marriage and move on, because I cannot comprehand how and why after 14 yrs, and 5 kids later a spouse would do this to someone they love. I feel like I'm being punished for something, when all I've tried to do was my best.<p>I agreed with my H I we would not talk to each other about our issue until counseling begans.
I don't know what to say or how to feel around him, even if what he has said to me is not true, my mind won't let it rest.<p>I again want to thank everyone for their feedback,concern and great suggestions, please pray for me, my H and our children.<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: rosse ]</p>

Rosse,<p>Your H is babbling. Just that. You were wise to ask why wait so long if this was 'always' an issue. His reply was a selfish one again more babble. <p>If you can, look at him and say he isn't a hansome bucket either and that beauty is skin deep but rotteness goes straight to the bones. <p>He is not telling you the truth at least not all of it. Sounds more like an A looking for a stupid excuse. <p>My H did similar. His line was that he was never in love with me. I asked ok, when did he start lying when we dated, when he proposed (I asked are u sure??), when we married, on the honeymoon, which of the following years. RE: both he and the OW claimed he 'never' loved me. <p>Well he could not give me a date and swallowed his words. Said he said that because he had to say something. Now that made more sense. So I threw out that reason and told him to come up with one I could believe. <p>Read up on plan A & B. You need to show you are the better person. Major or minor adjustments as needed. Then if he is still in stupid fog land, go to plan B. <p>Do NOT let him treat you with disrespect. <p>L.