It amazes me still (and we've only been separated a month) how my feelings of him not treating me right and he needs to wake up, smell the coffee and see what he is leaving behind suddenly turns into me feeling sorry for him, worrying about losing him (lose someone who has continued to hurt me despite being discovered, OW is coming to town tomorrow and staying until Sunday).<p>Why do we BS do this to ourselves? My support system is very supportive, some are brutally honest too. I just keep thinking to myself, what am I so upset about? I beat myself up every once in a while - and I know this is all normal, but geez! It's almost nuts to think I actually think about being desperate to get him to come home and I'M the one who asked him to leave. <p>I'd love to hear from other BS's on what I can keep doing for me to get out of this crazy cycle of thinking. I'm working on setting boundries - which I already know is upsetting him and his controlling behavior. I'm seeing a great therapist. I'm keeping busy. Losing weight and getting back in to pre-wedding clothes - that feels good. <p>Would love to hear from you BS's out there.<p>Llama

Llama-<p>I think what it comes down to is that we truly love our WS's, not simply an infatuation or some kind of physical turn-on, but the real kind of love. The kind that can endure and last forever. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here looking for help and support, we'd be long gone. The going back and forth is just the roller coaster of emotions we are on, I think it just shows that we are normal and are trying to deal with one of the most gut-wrenching experiences anyone can have in a normal way. <p>To me, even dealing with the death of a loved one is easier because once it happens, its over and you can begin the grieving process and move on. But with an A, you cant, your in a sort of limbo, waiting for the WS to make a decision. In the meantime, the WS constantly barrages us with disrespect, lies and deceptions, making the whole thing that much worse.<p>What can you do about your 'crazy cycle of thinking'? Realize that it is normal and learn how to understand it. If it gets out of hand, say in an obsessive way, or your become unable to function normally, then you go to the doctor and look into AD's or something. Read everything you can about A's and how to recover from them, there is a wealth of great information out there. Counseling and a strong support base of non-judgmental friends and family will help tremendously. Set boundaries (not controlling) to keep you from getting hurt even more and stick with them. Work on yourself, yes, become selfish in a way, make this time all about you. Plan A, Plan A and more Plan A until you cant do it anymore.<p>Try and not let WS and their selfish behavior get the better of you. You didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment and should have to accept it. Let WS go, open the cage door and let them fly free. Eventually they will realize what they have given up, we just need to be patient.

^^^bumping back up^^^

Llama,
we ALL feel that way...this is the person we married, been with them in many cases for many, many years (for me since we were 14, I've known her) and this is the person we fell in love with, had a family with, we cannot believe they are bad people; we cannot understand how/why they would hurt us this way...it's just natural; don't feel bad.<p>Sometimes it takes much longer than we wish until we can begin to see the "real" person they have become, and if we're lucky, it's only the fog that changed them, and they might come back to be what they were before...sometimes they don't, so that is why you need to work on you...only on you, and try to take them out of your mind; it'll get better as time goes by.