still trying to get it together & tell my H about A. Question...Has anyone on this site actually told about their A before it was discovered?? My counselor advised against it & told me that I should keep it to myself or I will destroy my H. She said it's my problem...I did it...now I need to deal with it on my own....I'm so confused!<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

I knew about the EA my W had going on. I came home from a business trip and found some phone calls on her cell phone at odd hours. I asked about them and she confessed to the PA.<p>I don't understand how any counselor worth his weight in fertilizer could say something like that. If marriage is viewed as a sacred bonding of a man and a woman, then how can it be based on lies. You have broken the bonds of marriage. Your husband deserves the chance to decide what that means to him.<p>He may choose to end your marriage (hopefully not!!), but you made the choice you made. He deserves to make a choice now based on the truth.<p>Hey, there are no guarantees, but he might surprise you. I think my W thought I was going to throw her out! We are very happy today!!

I told my H about my A and then continued it off and on for about 3 years. At first when it was an EA I told him about it because I wanted us to go to a MC. He didn't want to and thought we could get through it on our own. Well EA turned PA. I finally ended the A on my own and found out I was pregnant shortly afterward. That was over 1 1/2 years ago. I am still with my H and we are working on our marriage. I think you need to be honest with your H as he may find out about it from someone else and that would be worse. You also need to give him the chance at making your M a better one if that is what he wants to do. You can not have a good marriage based on lies and secrets. It won't be easy but I think it's something you need to do. JMO

Lost, your counselor is wrong. It is not the truth that will destroy your marriage, but the affair and all the deceit that goes with it. Your spouse has a right to know this information and it is cruel and manipulative to withhold it from him. This is information about HIS life that he needs to know. He has a right to make an informed decision about his own life. <p>You need to put his well being before your fear of consequences and tell him the truth. <p>The only hope you have of recovery is to tell him the truth, otherwise, your marriage will desenigrate from the lack of intimacy caused by deceit. <p>Here is what Harley says about it:<p>From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation. <p>Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse. <p>But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. <p>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. <p>It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. <p>It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. <p>After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. <p>The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one. <p>If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair. <p>How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies

Your counselor goes against everything I have ever read or heard about healing from affairs. Have you read Torn Asunder? If not, I strongly recommend it. <p>It wasn't my H's PA with my former best friend that nearly destroyed me and our M, it was his LIES about it for 6 years. Often the lies and betrayal are harder to deal with than the actual sex.<p>Even if you say your H doesn't know, he probably senses something isn't right. I did, but my H looked me in the eye when we were going to make love and said "I have never been with anybody else." Hard to digest later when you find out the truth.<p>Not telling the truth is not much different than out and out lying. Please do the right thing. And maybe consider another counselor?

My wife confessed to me because the guilt was killing her and she knew the only way to get rid of it was to confess. It took alot of courage to do that because I told her if she ever had another affair I would leave her ( this was her 2nd) and she was scared to death I would leave. She trusted God to heal me and our Marriage. It has been hard but not impossible. He has a right to know, I hope you do the right thing and tell him. It is his life let him make the choice if he wants to stay married, you made your choice it is his turn.<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: champ ]</p>

W's confession made a difference for me. I strongly urge confession. It will be painful, but it must be done if you want to have a real marriage in the future.

Good luck,

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:27 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Maybe part of the discussion should be why and when you had the affair. I believe our priest said he would have counseled my wife not to reveal the affair, but the affair was 10 years previous to the disclosure and the affair was a "revenge" for my lack of attention. <p>He suggested that it was a "human sin" and by revealing it to me "now" would not be beneficial to her, me or our marriage.<p>I have to say that our marriage is not better or worse. It certainly is not the same. Three years later, I don't trust her, we never will have the marriage she dreams of...which is one of unconditional love and trust.<p>I would suggest to a person in your position to spend some time on this website and really get an understanding of how things are going to change. I know the general wisdom is for you to be truthful, but perhaps there are circumstances that make a different solution better for you.<p>I told my wife before we got married, that the one thing I could not forgive would be an affair. I have since forgiven her, but I will never forget.<p>I can't say the disclosure has been more positive than negative, but I can tell you that my wife's actions have hurt me more than anything else in this world.

My H would have gone to his grave denying the affair if the OW hadn't blown it out of the water. I'm sure the advice is to tell, and that makes sense. But my best friend had an affair 7 years ago. Her husband was aware that there were problems, but not about the A (it was fairly brief). She ended the A and together they worked on the problems and are very happy. But he never found out. I know her H very well (as does she of course lol) and I know that he would have divorced her, no question, if he had found out at the time. I guess he probably should have had that option. If he found out now I think he would be crushed, but they would stay together since he's seen that they have quite afew post affair successful years under their belts.

LIL,<p>You need to start a new thread. Title it: "2Long tell me about Measured Honesty." You will definitely hear a lot about what many counselors are currently advocating and it seems yours is to.<p>It is called "measured honesty". Only be honest about the things people ask you directly, only be honest about things you are sure to be caught at, only be honest when it suits you. This is the essence of "measured honesty". <p>I want you to send the above mentioned post to 2long, because his IC and his W's (she is the WS)IC both advocated this. As you will tell from his response "measured honesty" is not helping him recover or her rebuild the marriage.<p>The term used by 2Long and others was "measured dishonesty". Because when one sits there with vital information and won't tell the person they love about it UNLESS this person asks specifically about it, then it is dishonest.<p>LIL, there have been many WS who have told their spouses about the affairs, and those marriage seem to have recovered better. If you want to go back into the archives look up "Jill". She fought with this for over a year and a half, much of it here on this board, before she told her H. I believe it saved their marriage, because although she had ended the A, her guilt, and her H's lack of knowledge about how she felt about him and the marriage was killing the marriage.<p>So, sit and think. If you were in this from your H's point of view would you want to know? I think you would.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I would never have found out about my H's A if he had not told me. It had been over for a few months before it was revealed.<p>He knew the guilt would have destroyed him and our marriage because we could never have had an honest relationship.<p>Our recovery has probably been easier than a lot of others because he chose to be honest and live with the consequences. It is easier to learn to trust someone again who has chosen to be honest and open, to reveal the darkest, ugliest side of who they are, and to admit that they did such a thing to the one person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Here is the story of a girl named Jill from a few years ago. It took her more than a year to get up the courage to tell her husband. Her last post was only last Dec.
You can search on her member # 4743 and read the whole story. Here are some highlights.
Note that at one point she said that the secrets were driving them farther apart, and had she not chosen to tell she doesn't think they would have ever made it. ( I'm not sure if that part is in one of these links or not. I have read her whole story. ) <p>Jill Confesses http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=006021<p>Jill's Update
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=006039<p>Another update
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=006937<p>Another
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=007689<p>Some bumps in the road
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=008040<p>Some good news
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=005191<p>There are more, if you search the boards. Many old ones that no longer post.
Also note that JL (who just posted to you, and who has much wisdom) advised her many times to tell, and that it was the best thing to do. I think JL was one of the first ones to answer Jill's post back in 1999. That should tell you something about JL's accumulated wisdom. (sorry JL.) <p>SS

lostinlove:<p>"My counselor advised against it & told me that I should keep it to myself or I will destroy my H. She said it's my problem...I did it...now I need to deal with it on my own....I'm so confused! "<p>Your counselor is a FOOL! A dangerous fool, messing with your future. That my W didn't TELL me about her A, that I FOUND OUT by accident myself, may truly make all the difference between whether we stay M'd or not. Seriously. I have 12 years of "measured honesty" to deal with if I'm going to try to recover my 26.5yr M. And since I always THOUGHT my W was an honest person when she wasn't, I simply may not be able to stay M'd to her even if she "promises" that she's not going to have another A. <p>Your H deserves the truth, plain and simple. Read the discussion on these two threads for more about this very serious problem (and it's surprising how many counselors think that lying to the BS is a reasonable thing to do).<p>Please read my thread about "measured" versus "radical" honesty:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=017551<p>and also Pepperband's thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=017425<p>All the best to you and your H.

lil:<p>I should add that I believe I have some experience with how a M is affected by an A that isn't disclosed to the BS. Since my W's 11-yr A was really two "normal length", 1-1.5 yr As at the beginning and end of that 11 years, with "measured honesty" the whole time preventing me from knowing the truth about what happened, I can look back at our M during the period between the 2 As and tell you with some certainty now (because I've been talking with my Cs and this forum at length about this) that the sometimes poor condition of our M during that time was because my W couldn't tell me all that was going on in her life (still occasional contact with her OM, but no "A" per se) that had a direct impact on how we got along during that time. And so, since I didn't know what ALL the problems were and she couldn't tell me, when things soured again 2 years ago, she had a 2nd A with the same OM. <p>Tell the truth. Never lie to someone you're supposed to be this close to (and not telling IS lying by omission). You can't very well share your most intimate feelings and fears with your H, for better or for worse, if you have to constantly be "on your guard" so as not to say anything about that part of your life and "hurt" your H. <p>He will be hurt, yes. I was very hurt at first. I'm still hurting, but I NEVER asked my W to leave (even before I knew about this site's methods). My first desire was to figure out what went wrong that allowed this to happen, NOT "get the he!! out!" Not that at all.

LIL,
I did not tell, my H found out. But, I believe I set myself up. And even if I hadn't done that I would have told. I could not live with the guilt, the lies, and the deceipt any longer. I was downward spiraling very fast.<p>I may have not told initially. But I signed on to this website looking for encouragement to "finish" coming clean. Even though my H knew about the A, I was still withholding information. And I was afraid of losing my H if he knew. In fact, my H told me that there better not have been sex involved with the OM or he WOULD leave. So I clammed up. I told him it was just kissing. <p>Well, it ate at me for a couple of weeks and then I came here looking for that push. And I got it. That night, I came clean. 100% clean. I was scared to death. But I could not live with myself or believe that I had his total forgivness if I didn't. <p>And you know what? It worked out. It's like a ton of weight is lifted off your shoulders. And I gained respect from my H that night. Yes, he was devastated, and it set us back. But I gained his respect by doing that. And he told me so.<p>Your C is wrong. I don't have any idea where she gets that idea. The MB principle of radical honesty is just common sense. I knew that even before I came here. I would drop her fast.<p>Take care and good luck!
1step

My wife told me of her affair on her own freewill. Granted, I had some suspicions and she waited until it was over before telling me, but she did tell me on her own.<p>It did make recovery a little easier knowing that she was once again being completely honest with me. It would have been a lot harder had I found out on my own. <p>I too don't agree with your counselor -- you should really be honest with your H. It's not your problem alone. The problem is with both of you. You will never achieve a truly strong and satisfying marriage without it because there will always be something between you. And, it will not give the two of you a chance to come to terms with why it happened and how not to let it happen again.<p>Hope this helps.<p>-HD

Hi,<p>I'm the BS who was on the receiving end of my WW offering the information to me freely - out of the blue, so to speak!!<p>Now... how do I feel about that?? Well, if she'd been sincere in terms of wanting to work on the marriage, understanding her failures / weaknesses, etc. - i.e. was willing to break it off with OM - then I'd be feeling great right now... we'd be in recovery, probably.<p>Instead, she chose the insidious path of dragging things out... humming and hawing, sitting on the fence, having her cake and eating it too... so I'm not so great right now... and I truly am at the end of my rope.<p>Now, if you really want any hope of seeing whether your M COULD have worked out, my advice would be to cut all contact with OM, tell H, and truly work together to get through the hard times ahead - they will get better.<p>If you truly are done with the M... I personally think you still need to cut ties with OM AND H in this case, sit somewhere far away BY YOURSELF - and figure out what the heck went wrong in your life to lead you here. Because you're teetering on the edge of effecting your entire life - and following your heart alone is plain dumb right now. Give your head some time to catch up and the answers may become clearer.<p>Just my 2 cents...

There are many who will advise to not tell. To my surprise one of them is Laura Slessenger. She advises that the only reason to tell the BS about the affair is to unburden the WS of their guilt. And that it then hurts the BS. She advises that people never tell the BS and spend their life making it up to their spouse.<p>It's a pretty common approach, especially by those of the 'old school'.<p>I think the advise is wrong. If the BS does not know about he affair, then how can they know the true magnitude of the marital problems. Many here who have not told for years have said that the lie has driven them further apart.<p>So sure the BS does not have to suffer knowledge of the affair. And sure the WS never has to own up to it. But the marriage suffers terribly without the BS every knowing what is going 'bump in the night'.<p>Having lived through a 14 year marriage in which my then H tried to hide his infidelities, I can tell you that it helped to distroy my love for him. Some honesty would have been refreshing.<p>Remember that one lie will always lead to another, and then another. <p>The other problem is that it seems that most WS will start doing things to get the BS to discover the affair. So it is eventually found out. <p>Have you read the book 'Surviving an Affair'? This topic is dicussed in there.

I've posted this before. The ONLY reason I am still married is because my H voluntarily confessed and apologized. I was actively seeking proof and was very close to getting it (unbeknownst to him). If I had gotten that proof BEFORE he confessed, he would have come home to changed locks and my attorney's card on the door and his stuff waiting for him at his parents' house. I would never have spoken to him again.<p>Actually, I was on my way to serving him anyway because I felt like I no longer needed proof after he left "to think". He wanted to talk 6 days later, and that's when he confessed. If he had waited until after Oct. 1, he would have been served. I was giving him a chance to come through with support since he was the sole wage-earner at the time, but if he had stayed gone and not supported us, that would have been the end of the line. If he didn't even care about the kids being able to eat, then I no longer needed to prove the infidelity since abandonment of the children is even worse.<p>I think these are the important points to keep in mind:<p>Failure to disclose or discover infidelity guarantees lack of intimacy in the R.<p>Voluntary disclosure of infidelity always provides increased possibility of marital recovery and resultant intimacy, though may still result in marital loss.<p>Involuntary discovery of infidelity always results in decreased possibility of marital recovery when compared to voluntary disclosure as well as increased possibility of marital loss.<p>The only SURE thing is lack of intimacy in the face of undisclosed infidelity. The only hope for true intimacy lies in infidelity revealed with the best hope residing in voluntary disclosure.<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Lil:<p>You still out there? Please let us know how it's going.