Some of you out there have confronted the OM. I am very curious on what this guy looks like and what he is like. I have no ill feelings for him, so I do not think I will try to hurt him. Part of me thinks that I need to know all of my WW's A so that I can move on. I have spoken to the OMW, and this backfired big time, so I am a little concerned. Please give me some advise here.

Hi - if your talk with OMW backfired big-time, I'd think 2 or 3 times carefully before talking with OM. Is there some way you can just get a picture of him, if you really need to know what he looks like?<p>- Tom

Well you know I did do this. It seemed to have some impact, but I don't know what the impact was since nobody talks to me. If I had it to do again I would not do it. I already knew him, he has been to my house before and we were friendly (boy does this make me mad).<p>I just think that there is not much to gain from this. If finding out what he looks like is the goal, there is probably another way (maybe just watching from the car at his house or work...of course the urge would then strike to talk to him, so beware this may still lead you into talking to him).<p>Since your conversation with the OMW turned out bad, I would guess that this would turn out bad also. The question you have to ask yourself is "What are you going to get out of this and are you wiling to accept the possible bad outcomes it could bring". Just my thoughts in hindsight.

I can see the need to know what he looked like. To put the correct face with those pictures in your head. But what would talking to him accomplish? Believe me, he's not your friend. He doesn't care about your feelings or he wouldn't have had an A with your wife. He has no sympathy for you - or the above would apply too. He's self-centered or he wouldn't have had an A on HIS wife. The list goes on. On his totem pole of important people you are at the very bottom. It probably wouldn't hurt his feelings at all to give you a good kick in the shins. (or a good emotional "dressing down.")

You all are right. The way my emotions swing now, I want to punch him and make it hurt. I am d*** mad now and depressed and scared and tired of all this crap all at the same time. I do not know why I bother trying anymore. It does not seem to do a bit of good only to make me hurt real bad all over again. I am tired of being the good guy, I am tired of not getting mad, I am tired of acting happy, and I am tired of everything right now.<p>This weekend everything was great. Tonight my life sucks again. My wife does not even want to kiss me, touch me, or even care enough to really listen when she asks me how my day went. I feal like I am talking to a ghost some time. I do not know what makes her tick and I do not seem to have any affect on her at all. Why is all this stuff so hard. Why does all of this hurt so much.<p>Got to stop so I can stop crying.

Well, I'm one of those who DID go and talk to OM... It was a recommendation by both IC/MC and Steve H. There were a few good reasons it was valid for me:<p>- I had evidence in hand that WW was not telling OM "the whole story" about things
- WW had gone to extraordinary lengths to keep us separate - dual life thingy
- OM is young, naive and foreign - may have just gotten in over his head
- No reality had yet to shine on the A
- I'm extremely calm and confident - had to approach the situation as if talking to a wayward son
- A had shown no signs of diminishing by that point (6 months)<p>I had no true expectations - although of course I hoped it would suddenly cause everything to change. It changed a bit, but hasn't stopped things completely. I think now WW is trying her darndest to "rebuild" her dual life - she's got him still hanging on for dear life.<p>It was important for me. I felt strong and "the better man" by standing in front of him and saying things like "I want WW to be happy, regardless" and "I've done nothing to hold her here [at home]." He was quiet - and maybe even showed remorse. But it is an addiction, after all, and no addict wants to stop until the cost of continuing far exceeds the cost of stopping.<p>Before doing anything like this, you might want to talk to a professional who can assess the variables. It certainly is a way to violently stir the pot, especially in stagnating situations.

OM works at same company as my wife and I. Had never seen him though until I went looking for him after WW told me about him. We spoke for an hour and it was cordial but what an egotisical [censored] he was. He told me "you can't make a person love you and she doesn't love you. If she wants you, she could walk away tomorrow and I wouldn't stop her."<p>I also spoke with his W. He told his W he wanted a DV before I spoke with either of them. His W didn't know my W was married, nor did she know she had kids.<p>Bottom line is that it didn't get me anywhere but I did learn a lot about the OM from his W and it gives me a lot more certainty that WW's and OM's A will not develop into a LT successful relationship.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:26 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>