Hi:
I was reading your post to onwardandup and I have to say it was comforting to see that I'm not the only one in this hideous limbo. <p>I have been separated (not my choice) for nearly 8 months now. H is still living with OW. Although he says he wants a divorce, his actions don't necessarily match that - he talks the talk, but doesn't really do anything to forward the process. Like you said, I sit here and hope my marriage isn't over, but suspect it is. And I feel paralyzed to make the final decision to divorce.<p>Overall, I feel like I have been coping pretty well with this mess. I have continued to treat my H with respect (that he doesn't deserve) and kill him with kindness and understanding (through clenched teeth sometimes). I keep really busy with friends and activities, but the limbo-state of my marriage is like an elephant in my living room.<p>What's it like at 1 year? I actually am beginning to wonder if/when the day will come where I've decided "I'm done". I just don't want to care anymore. With each day/week/month that goes by, the hope for my marriage grows dimmer and dimmer. <p>My H avoids me (probably due to immense guilt); is just angry, angry, angry at the world; has alienated all of his family and friends (it's him and OW against the world - although that seems to be waning a bit), and in the meantime I continue to try and convince him I'm his biggest ally and will be here for him when he realizes he still loves me (I refuse to believe he doesn't love me - how's that for denial?! Ha).<p>Like you said, I don't want to become bitter. I have learned so much from this ordeal, I will never approach another relationship the same (which is good).<p>What is your situation? Was there an OW, and have you given yourself a timeline to end the misery?<p>Thanks for your thoughts.<p>Me - BS (34)
WH (31)
No Kids
Together 11 years
Left "out of the blue" for an OW in Oct '01
My family/his family - in total shock

Hello. <p>It's late, so I'm going to be brief. My H and I had been maried for 8.5 years when he left. We both focused too much on education and career, and I think our relationship suffered because of it. He began traveling as a part of his job, he met a woman on his project, they hit it off, he wanted to be around her all the time, we fought about it more and more, and one night he didn't come home. <p>That was one year ago Monday. Since then, I went through a period where I took a leave of absence from my job (just couldn't concentrate at all). I convinced him to go to marriage counseling, but I discovered during counseling that he was still seing the OW. I refused to go back. In January, I decided to start getting on with my life. He got an apartment for 6 months, saying that he didn't want to make a longer committment because he wasn't sure he wanted to end the marriage, but he has taken no concrete steps towards reconciliation. I am not ready to file for divorce yet, although I have started dating and I have fashioned a life for myself that works without him. <p>We are friends. I see him and speak to him frequently. He tells me he misses me when I see him, and he always says he is not sure moving on is what he wants to do. His A with the OW is over, I believe. But he's still not moving one way or another. It's hard. I know you want some closure. If you're married to a guy like my H, however, you might not get it because he doesn't have the wherewithall to make this big decision. <p>The only closure you can have is by not worrying about what he's doing anymore. You have a life, and at this point, nearly half of it is behind you. Make the rest of it good. The life you thought you had is gone. Figure out what to do now. <p>I was just saying last night in fact to my H, who met me for dinner: At this point, after a year of trauma and getting over it and growing up, if I could wave a magic wand and put us both back into the marriage we had, erase the last year with all its pain and continue the marriage as it was before, I wouldn't wave the wand. I have loved this man all of my adult life. I love him still and I will surely always love him. But I still wouldn't wave the wand. I'll have my closure eventually. <p>Have a good night and hang in there. H.