My WH and I have been separated for four months now. He typically comes over at least once during the week to take me to dinner and on the weekends to help around the house and do something recreational (long bike ride, run, hike, etc). During his A (which may be ongoing -- that is my question) he never called the OW from our home phone and she never called at our home. It all took place at work, on business trips, or via his cell phone. <p>My WH claims they are not in any kind of contact outside of work/just professional while he sorts out his head (or some other fog expression). I seriously doubt they are not in any contact as he still hides his cell phone when I see him/he stays over.<p>This last weekend I was on a business trip for Friday and was to get home mid-day on Saturday. My WH came over Saturday morning before I got home to mow the lawn, weed, etc and spent the night Saturday night. He left at 7:00 a.m. Sunday morning. At 7:15 that morning my phone rings and I pick it up thinking it was WH. It was not WH, but someone was on the other end of the line but didn't say anything and hungup. I have gotten several hang up calls in the past few weeks and it finally occurred to me to hit *69 to get the last incoming call. To my shock and surprise it was the OW's phone number (I knew her number from previous checking up on my WH's cell phone log).<p>Probably a mistake, but I called her right back and just said, hello, this is mrs. so and so and I was wondering why you called my home at 7:15 a.m. on and Sunday morning. She mumbled something about it being a mistake/she had meant to call the president of her homeowners association with a similar number. I responded whatever and hung up. Now, this is all very fishy to me. First, it was 7;15 a.m. on a Sunday morning (who calls their homeowners association then?). Second, she lives in an apartment building so I seriously doubt she has a homeowners association. Third, I live in a different town and it is EXTREMELY unlikely that my number is similar to the president of her homeowners association (if indeed ther is such a thing).<p>I called my WH and said "Why is OW calling at our home on Sunday morning". He responded "That's odd, why did she say she called". <p>I think something is amiss but I really do not know what. Any clues or ideas from those of you that have been through this longer?

We had a couple of strange hang up calls too, but I don't have *69 capabilities. Was it her? I don't know, but I've read that hang up calls are a good sign that the A is dying or dead. Like maybe the OW is wanting to hear his voice even if it is just "Hello." Like the OW is having withdrawal symptoms - a poor dumped teenager that calls and hangs up just to hear their old love's voice. <p>Is that a possibility?<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

I'd like to believe that, but since WH doesn't live at home it just does not make sense. I think he was pretty freaked that she called at our house because he came back over three hours later and did more yard work, brought me lunch, and cooked a barbecue dinner that night. He wouldn't talk about it (he is so overwhelmed with guilt he can't talk about anything related to our R right now). He just keeps saying he needs to sort out his head.

Maybe she had tried his other numbers and couldn't reach him. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but maybe she wanted to find out how much time he was spending with you. If he was there that early in the morning, then it would probably mean he had spent the night. Reckon she wanted to do an anonymous "check up" on him? <p>I wouldn't have called her back. Now she knows you have the capability to check. She probably won't call again. - Then again, maybe that's the way you want it.

Thanks -- I know it might have been a mistake to call, but I just wanted to make it clear to her that she cannot call my house. It's that kind of baloney that causes me to go nuts and start LBing. I think I really do prefer not get hang up calls; especially from her. I think you are probably right in saying that now she knows I can check. Since WH is rarely at my house, I do not need any reminder from her via phone calls that my life is difficult right now. I think over the long haul, I am more interested in checking whether he is calling her (and have a way to do that when I will need to -- I stopped for a while because it was causing me to LB and just made me nuts).<p>I really hope you are right that she was checking up, but it is just so odd. I thought maybe my WH had called her from our house while I was gone and she misunderstood that I was coming back that weekend. Who knows. Unfortunately, I don't have an ability to look at all of our outgoing calls from our regular phone.

You remind me so much of myself at times. I have analyzed, philosiphized, psyciatrized (you get the pic [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) my OW and her actions to the point that I probably know her better than she knows her ownself!! HEEhee, we are just driven to know what makes them tick, aren't we? My boss and confidant has told me I need to let the OW go. Quit stressing over her, quit spending my time second guessing her, trying to anticipate her next move. Let her go. Concentrate instead on my marriage and if he allows himself to get sucked back in by her, then let him go. But that's just for my case, I'm not telling you to do that.<p>Just saying - I understand. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks jamup. I really try not to think about her. Then, when she calls I feel like I'm back at square one. I did not get upset on the phone, but calmly asked why she would call (when in actuality I felt like screaming at her "are you insane to be calling my house on a sunday morning. I know you don't have any morals, but I thought you had half a brain"). I kept it in check and I don't think she'll call back.<p>Thanks for the support. Some days are good. Some are bad. Today is a bad one and I am obsessing and thinking that my WH has some kind of plan where he is going to pretend to think things through and not have contact, but in fact, is planning to end our marriage but be able to say he tried. <p>I need to go get some exercise and relieve some of this mental ping-pong going on in my head.

My 2 cents.<p>She knew he was there.
They've been in touch all along.<p>Still hides his phone? BIG red flag.
She called right after he left? BIG red flag.<p>My question to you...does it matter? If the affair is ongoing does that make a difference to you? or change what you should be doind?

Thanks Lexxy -- I needed to see the perspective of the formerly WS. I am about to go to plan B, but when it appeared he was coming out of the fog a few weeks ago I hestitated. He is supposedly taking the next two weeks off from work to "figure out his life". Per Jennifer Harley, I am to wait and see and if he is still confused after this, I am to go to plan B. <p>I know deep in my bones that he is still lying and that something is still going on. It is becoming too much for me to bear. I am frustrated by the fact that he is playing this game/this sham to try and say he worked on the marriage, when he hasn't at all and has never given up the OW.

unsureheart,<p>I'm curious as to why Jennifer Harley didn't suggest a full Plan B at this time while your WH is clearing his head?<p>I'm also separated from my WH and we are in contact frequently (and have been intimate), but I know I need to go to a full Plan B for MYSELF. Being in contact just keeps me in my unhealthy patterns of wanting to check up on him. He would like to spend more time together (dinners, nights), but I just can't do that right now - it hurts too much.<p>I look forward to your response...

Jennifer suggested that I give him an "I desire" letter before he goes and clears his head (or whatever the heck he's doing) that states all of the things I desire for a new marriage and then to state at the end of that letter that I am willing to work on the marriage to make new marriage. She then said if by the point I need to give him the letter I am really fed up, I can add at the end the traditional B letter statements about not being in contact with him until he does make up his mind. She said that because he is showing some signs of coming out the fog that I might want to wait and see if the time off from work does give him some clarity. I personally think it is a about a 50/50 chance that he is taking the time to really try and get clarity and 50/50 chance that this is a line to get me to think that he is doing something when he is not. I really don't know anymore. <p>I have my plan B letter ready and I also did another letter early this morning that is the combo I desire letter with the plan B/don't contact me until you decide/the pain is too much. I still need to do the just plain I desire letter. That way I will be prepared to give him the letter that feels the best to me on Friday.<p>I know many on here will say that 4 months of plan A is not enough. But the conclusion was that when the A is apparently still going on and the fog so thick AND yet there is remorse and a recognition that he did something wrong, that this was the way to go if he doesn't make his mind up soon to try. It's risky, but I am really at the end of my rope. His A has been going on for more than a year and he has been treating me like C$%p for that entire time. Plus, he works with the OW and we all work in the same field/I have to have dealings with both of them on a regular basis. It's just too much.