2long -<p>In the FFF, the BS being Mr. Funk has left the board it appears. Mr. Funk may have gone to D before B, but I think that he had reached proper temprature, and the fork came out with no brownie sticking to it. It is neat that Ms. Funk is interested in rebuilding, but there seems to be a catch.<p>We can say that he could have A'd a little harder, or even gone to B with proper notice (think he read a letter in therapy to her so there may have been notice). But if Mr. Funk does not buy into MB or have the strength to continue with the marriage, we can discuss what he should/could have done, but it really doesn't matter.<p>The catch as I see it:
Ms. Funk is caught in a loop of her own making in where she believes that she will be unable to go further than X amount of days before lapsing into continued contact with OM. She has classified discussing OM and continued contact as a major LB. So pretty much she gets to have her cake and eat it too. Not that this is her intention. But, that is the result.<p>And, as much as Ms. Funk says she is interested in the M, I think that this is a result of realizing that OM is not the prince she thought he was, and Mr. Funk has decided to chat up some gals at the local watering hole.<p>This does not tell me that she loves Mr. Funk, or that she is truly committed to the marriage. This tells me that Ms. Funk all of the sudden finds herself without Mr. Funk to depend on, and OM still seeing his girlfriend and not adding to Ms. Funks love bank. <p>Ms. Funk has found herself in a tight spot. She was the one with 2 people working to meet her needs, and now there are none. It is enough to shock the crapola out of anyone. <p>So, she is in that spot, and now needs to do some fancy footwork.<p>But, at the same time she is not making a real committment to the marriage because of the continued contact and professed feelings for OM.<p>An interesting point of discussion about the FFF might be: Can Mr. Funks filing for divorce be a very hard nose plan B? Might he be doing this in order to scare the living daylights out of Ms. Funk so she understands that in a committed marriage with Mr. Funk there will be no Ms. Funk who continues contact with an OM?<p>Might it be possible that as soon as Ms. Funk snaps out of whatever she is in and writes a very stern NC letter to OM and follows through with NC for an extended period of time, say more than 30 days, that Mr. Funk will be able to start to trust just a bit again, regain some love for Ms. Funk, and put a hold on the divorce?<p>And then, there is always the sad possibility that Mr. Funk has reached such a negative balance in his love bank that continuing this relationship with Ms. Funk is a concept he is unable to grasp.<p>There are so many possiblities with the FFF. I've seen my fair share of Fituations since joining MB, and although this one does have promise, I think it all hinges on Ms. Funks ability to maintain no contact with OM.<p>Now, remember, everything I have said is my humble opinion, and I mean no harm. <p>E

inafunk<p>Nobody will contradict that giving up an addiction is an easy task, but it can be done with help from the person that cares about you, your H. <p>Telling your H to leave you alone and to your own devices to take care of OM(your addiction) is not serious sign of wanting to end your A and work on saving the M. How many addicts have succesfully left their addictions behind by doing it themselves? I'll hazard to say not many. <p>You want your H's support? then ask him to actively help you avoid contact with OM. Tell him to bug the phone line, give him all your computer and cell phone passwords. If he still loves you, he'll jump at the chance with your request to be an active part in your withdrawl from OM.<p>Joe

Inafunk,
I'm afraid I agree with much of what has already written here, and that is if you want to save your marriage, then you need to give your H some motivation here. Staying in contact with the OM and shrieking when he listens to your phone calls is no motivation whatsoever. <p>In fact, you can SEE with your own eyes what it has motivated him to do. And that is to move on to other relationships and pursue a divorce. And who can blame him? I assure you, if my WS had continued contact with OW, I would have had ZERO interest in staying with him. As it was, his affair wiped out my love bank and it took me a long time to even feel love for him again, much less have an interest in staying with him.<p>So, it looks like you have your work cut out for you. Plan A is a good place for you to start and you might start reproving yourself to him by sending a NC letter to the OM and opening up your cell phone and letting him listen to your phone calls. If you have nothing to hide, that should never be a problem. Anyway, that might be the start that would make him take a second look at you.

Much of the advice you've gotten is exactly what I told you:<p>Get on some mild antidepressants to help you clear your head.<p>Give the OM a serious NC letter and give your H a copy.<p>Hand over all passwords and codes.<p>I warned you he might have a retalitory 1 nighter or more....and that if you really cared about the M you would have to work through that as well as everything you did to start that cycle in motion.<p>The other thing I mentioned to try was to post here. Since this is where you're husband has tried to gain support for his feelings in all of this I thought that he might see it as a good effort if you were to come here to try to gain help for ending your A and trying to re-establish the marriage. I didn't mean you were supposed to try to gain support for YOUR SIDE or try to show him as the bad guy!! There is no your side/his side...you're both in pain and in the wrong in many ways. And so far your both using this forum for the wrong thing! There is so much good information here and so far not one d@mn shred of it is sinking in to your two very thick skulls! I don't intend that as an insult...but it's very obvious to those who have followed your threads that you are both more interested in being right (and in maintaining the control) than in working together.<p>I don't agree that you cannot beat this addiction on your own. For one thing it's been made perfectly clear that although this FEELS like an addiction, it is not. It's actually the result of an inability to deal with stress and pain. I don't think that every BS needs to let their WS cry on their shoulder about missing the OP in order to get their marriage back in order. When I figured out what I was about to lose and realized what I'D done to my H and my marriage....I had NO PROBLEM letting go of the OM. I suffered NO WITHDRAWL. I'll admit our A was in its dying phase, but that wasn't the ONLY thing that allowed the decision to let him go be an easy one. I had finally realized that although emotions come and go, they are CONTROLLABLE. I may feel needy and wanting to talk to someone today, but given a little time that feeling will pass. <p>Have you ever noticed how motivation can totally change how difficult it is to change ones ways? I know a very large man who went in to the doctor and was told that he either needed to lose weight or he was going to die....he's lost a LOT of weight. I can't even shed 10 lbs...but then I bet I would if the only other choice were to die. Get serious about whether or not you want this marriage...realize it's about to die...now are you a little more motivated to do something about it?<p>Close the door! GIVE OM THE NC LETTER and tell HIM that you won't speak to him again. Block him from your emails and change your cell #. Right now the message he gets is "I'm going to try to work on my marriage".....not "bye forever". Look at his current girlfriend...she doesn't seem to have a clue what he's doing behind her back. You think you could ever trust he wouldn't do the same to you? Whether your heart is totally "in it" or not, end the A and follow through with action. The more you go through the motions, the easier it becomes.<p>I don't agree that Mr Funk no longer loves his wife and is just ready to move on. I think he's angry and very hurt and totally fed up with fighting for his right to feel that way and to be in a monogamous relationship! I think if Mrs Funk totally changed her ways...they could work together again to restore the marriage. I think someone who is really "done" doesn't get nearly as emotional since they just really don't care anymore.<p>I also have to disagree in some points with Zorweb. Both Mr and Mrs vowed to be faithful to one another...Mrs broke those vows...but that doesn't, in my opinion, void their entire marital contract. Mr F is still bound by that contract until the day it no longer exists. If he no longer wishes to be married, that is his right, but until he actually GETS the divorce...any behaviour with the opposite sex is still wrong. <p>I also don't agree that when 1 person is unfaithful, that automatically gives the other person the right to pull the plug right away. At some point "for better or worse" says to me that both people are responsible for trying to work things out. But no, I agree that no-one is owed a plan A. Plan A is supposed to be about the BS anyway, not the WS.<p>I think Mrs F is afraid if she doesn't see the A through to the end it will linger as a "could have been" fantasy for the rest of her life. It doesn't have to Mrs F....you can choose to let it go. Right now you don't have to skills to DO THAT, but if you get on the RIGHT PATH you can learn them.

E:<p>"Ms. Funk is caught in a loop of her own making in where she believes that she will be unable to go further than X amount of days before lapsing into continued contact with OM."<p>For Ms. Funk to wave the "few days since contact with OM" like a flag of victory ignores the simple fact that W/D from an OP is like being in low orbit around a black hole. Even if you're not below the event horizon, where there's absolutely no escape back to the light, the tidal differential between your head and heart will rip you apart. Bottom line, steer clear of black holes! ...OP too.<p>I'd read some of Mr. Funk's posts a week or two ago (don't remember when that was, as my time sense continues to be distorted since D-day - at least the W is in high orbit around the black hole, with enough fuel left, it seems, to break orbit, once she finds the ignition switch). Mr. Funk was still wanting things from the Mizzuz that she didn't seem to be in a position to give - like wearing her wedding ring (not a big deal to me in my sitch, but I can accept that it's important to the Mr.). That was my reason for saying that I thought he didn't do a complete enough A and skipped B.<p>But zorweb makes some good points, too. And this is what got me thinking about my own sitch. Because, my W had thought she'd ended her A in November, and we were actually getting along better than we had in 11 years for about a month there before D-day, when I found those nasty little emails. If I'd known about Plan A/B and MB THEN, I probably would have realized that, in effect, my response to my W's "coming back to the M" efforts were a pretty good plan A (albeit only a month old at that point), and maybe I SHOULD HAVE tossed her out on her @$$ and made her try to win ME back. I don't know. Things are going better, but I'm still having to WORK to get her closer to an agreed-on NC letter to Rat Meat (I mean, OM). I may never know if zorweb's approach would have worked in my case. But it got me thinking, her post. Thinking that, maybe it would have. <p>take care,

..

Update: On 5-24-02 Ws called my mother crying and saying “I don’t want to lose him and I don’t no what to do”. My mother called me and asked if we could all sit down and talk. I agreed. We all sat down and talked for a couple of hours. In the end Ws agreed to give up all her pass codes, Pin numbers, email accounts Etc. Ws also sent a no contact letter to OM. In return, I would stop pursuing A divorce and end contact with any girls I have recently met. I want to clarify that with the girls I have recently met, there has been no physical contact. (Not that that matters). WS has canceled her trip to the beach this weekend to stay home. Ws has been doing wife like things. We even had sex for the first time since 3-29-02. I am very concerned that Ws will return to her old ways. I find myself analyzing her every action or words. So far things are going OK. Well see what the future brings. I just thought I would update everyone. Were open to any comments.

wow!!! Some great steps made!!!<p>Keep working together.<p>Keep us posted! Both of you!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Glad to hear it, funked up. It will take time and alot of work on her part to learn to trust her again. Its only natural to be distrustful for quite some time, but that is what you settle for when you commit to recovery. It sounds like she is willing to reprove herself - now she just has to take the necessary steps. Just keep your options open and watch your back until she proves herself. Protect yourself. I am happy for you and hope it works out.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Hope4future:<strong>I also don't agree that when 1 person is unfaithful, that automatically gives the other person the right to pull the plug right away. At some point "for better or worse" says to me that both people are responsible for trying to work things out.</strong><hr></blockquote> <p>I agree with you, but let's acknowledge that not everybody shares our beleif.<p>There are people that beleive in no second chances and therefore an unfaithful H or W has destroyed the marital covenant and thus they have all the right to divorce that WS, and do just that. And then there are those people that strongly beleive that their vow of for better or for worse, means that they should still be married to the WS no matter if said S committs infidelity one time or multiple times.<p>So each individual will have different beleifs as to whether they have the right to automatically divorce an unfaithful S or not.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Hope4future:<strong> But no, I agree that no-one is owed a plan A. Plan A is supposed to be about the BS anyway, not the WS.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>No one? How about the M?<p>It is true that plan A is initially for the benefit of the BS but if the WS ends the A and never contacts OP, then the marital recovery will entail that the WS to follow elements that are part of plan A, like avoiding Love Busters and filling the BS's EN's. So in the end the M IS owed a plan A <p>Joe<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Funkedup:<p>While that update is a positive one, I would still urge you and your W to seek MC and follow a game plan like the MB's for marital recovery. And both of you should read books like 'Surviving an affair''Love busters' and 'His needs Her needs'.<p>Don't try to make your W into a prisoner under house arrest. Take her out to clubs and bars to listen to the music she loves and other recreational activities that make her happy. It could make it a lot easier for her to get over the OM if she sees that you are willing to participate in things that she loves.<p>The old M while still valid legally, is nonetheless emotionally dead. A new M is what needs to be built and you need to be a better person - and so does she - in order for this new M to be superior than the old one. <p>Joe<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

I went to California for a few days and am very happy to come back to this! Good start kids. Stay focused on the big picture.<p>E

IaF & FU,<p>I am really happy to hear that you both have chosen to work this out. I will just say this...<p>....I hope that you both can take care of your deep down issues outside the M as well as the issues inside the M.(childhood, teenhood, old relationship woes, etc...) There was a reason for the break down of the M that led to the A. <p>What needs were not being met? You have to go back to the source/beginning to see where it all went wrong. <p>Both of you have needs that need to be met. THIS GOES FOR THE BOTH OF YOU, regardless of who is the WS. Understand what I'm trying to say? <p>MB can save your M if you follow its concepts strictly without break. IaF--CONTACT MUST END and I am glad you are working on that. 0% contact no matter how much it eats at you. It is the only way FU will be able to start to heal as well as you and your M. Be patient. It won't happen over night.<p>It is now the time to make new memorries with each other in your now made over M. REMEMBER!!!!IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. You can make that a positive or a negative. Your choice. <p>IaF, let him(FU) know that he is the one. Believe that and he will too. (VICE VERSA) One day at a time. NEEDS, NEEDS, NEEDS....wooh! so many of them [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Joint agreement in EVERYTHING!!!! No exceptions. COUNSELING IS A MUST (separately & jointly).<p>WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART, FOCUS ON YOU & ON WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW. There is no in between. <p>"A faithful heart makes wishes and dreams come true."<p>Just my thoughts.
INTHECLOUDS

I agree with TMCMan ( Joe) You can make something better than what you had even in your honeymoon part of your marriage. <p>You already know that it is going to be hard, there will be bad times. One of the things I have done with my W is agree that we will talk about things after we have a "blow up" We wait a day, analize what caused it, try to adjust our plan and go on. You know bad stuff will happen, plan how to recover. <p>Best wishes, <p>SS