Well, I'm trying to get my ducks in a row for Plan B here, and WW continues to be acting more... affectionate and loving towards me!<p>More wanting to curl up to me, more wanting to talk about things in the future, admitting that she's been selfish and that she's just starting to see things from a less selfish point of view. But still no willingness to say she's made a decision, or even try. Without a commitment to try, I think we'd all agree that we're not even in recovery.<p>Now, I'm not sure if she's been coming towards me because I've been dwelling on the impending Plan B and it's been showing in subtle ways - some emotional distancing... or if she's genuinely coming out of the fog some more... or if she's happily trying to reestablish "control" and "balance" with her dual lives again... or what...<p>Of course, getting answers is hopefully as simple as talking to her. But things are rarely that simple, as we have all experienced at times...<p>So once again, I question whether I'm just being impatient, expecting her to magically transform into a loving, committed wife. If I believed the A was done, I'd be patient. But as I mentioned in a prior post, I do have some evidence that it still continues... even if I'm somehow wrong about the PA side of it (seems unlikely - but possible), I know with absolute certainty that contact continues at work... and she's in no position to be leaving there at the moment.<p>As a side note, WW has now developed a skin rash... she's notorious for this when she's stressed out. Withdrawal? OM LB'ing? Simply the whole thing?<p>In any case, I've got to talk to her tonight because I'm supposed to talk to the owner of the place I'm possibly going to rent tomorrow. I need to lay things out in a non-LB way - but very much my current position - she deserves to hear it - understand my resolve in moving us out of gridlock by leaving, if needed. That's just how serious I am. It's more or less about my stating my boundaries. And so it does come down to simply talking openly - confronting the elephant head on a bit - done smartly, it would be what any two friends would do. It just may seem slightly out-of-place, given that this morning as she left, she gave me far more of a kiss than I've seen in a long time... Aagghh! Why, oh why does she do this to me?

JR,<p>Go on to plan B. It is to protect you until the affair is over (which it is not) or until you decide you have had enough. I think by all measures you qualify. It is time to move to the next level. You being with her has not changed her mind one bit about the OM and his presence in her life.<p>You are ready, quit second guessing yourself and her. From now on any moves toward her should be based on guesses but on information that you get directly from her that can be confirmed.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Agree with JL. Your B letter is a love letter anyway. It should help, not hurt. <p>If she says she doesn't understand, just keep explaining that you can't take it any more - you're going crazy - because you DO love her. <p>You can only take so much. (even you.) <p>SS

If B is your plan, if the criteria you set to go into B seem to be in place, go B.<p>Nothing against Plan A, I think it is very necessary, but it seems many times A into reconciliation leaves the BS doing all the work and frustrated. If you go into B and her loving behavior continues, the affair stops, reconciling should be more of a 2 partner effort to make the reconciliation happen.<p>If she really wants your marriage, and she knows that you do, but you can't deal with the affair anymore, her behavior will optimally follow through with that.<p>If she goes back to the A, it was likely to happen no matter if you were Plan A or B. <p>My thoughts, anyway.

just a different opinion here... since it sounds like you're not sure...<p>are you sure?<p>How's your love bank balance?<p>Have you done everything you can in Plan A?<p>If you are moving to Plan B because you are tired of waiting... not the best reason.<p>I hate to see people stay in Plan A too long, but there's also such thing as not long enough.<p>Review these, if you haven't lately, k? Once you decide, you need to stay there... so just be sure, k?<p>Plan B - 101<p>Plan B - 201<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I know, I know...<p>I'm just looking for another kick in the butt... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, based on her current behaviors, I see two possible outcomes of discussing my moving with her:<p>1. She freaks out, promises it's over, is willing to do anything, etc.<p>What do I do then? My instinct tells me to be skeptical. But am I skeptical enough to say "no way, forget it, I'm still moving"? She doesn't really deserve a chance until she's willing to back up her words with actions. But what actions are enough?<p>I mean, we've seen the stories of WS's who've been turned around simply by facing the possibility of Plan B. If she reacts in this way, even in the face of my requests for things like "no contact", I feel like I almost owe it to myself to explore continuing in Plan A, with the conditions being that she's actually going to DO something.<p>2. She reacts with one or more of: anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. I.e., she can't bring herself to come down off the fence.<p>Although this would be the least pleasant, it would certainly make it easier on me in a way, because my plan would be clear.<p>Based on recent attitudes, I think she'd be hard-pressed to muster this outcome.<p>Thoughts? I've had comments already from people with over 10,000 collective posts - WOW!

" Hon, I've showed you what I can do, it's your turn to show me. I've got another place to live, Lets start dating and if it works, and if you can do these things for me, we'll get back together." <p>"I'm afraid that if I stayed here, and you had one slip up, I wouldn't be able to handle it, It could ruin all the good. So Bye." <p>I'm afraid of just what would happen if you stayed because she made promises - and then she slipped up. Anyway, that's my short version. <p>You don't have to say "no way, I'm still leaving." You can say," I believe you, but I'm not strong enough to be here while you try it." <p>Let's see how the others come in.
I think they have a lot more experiance than I do. <p>SS<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: still seeking ]</p>

Without revealing how you know, simply tell her that you are very much aware that she is still having her A with OM, and that at this point in time if there is to be a reconciliation, you must protect the remaining love you have for her by cutting all contact with her.<p>Joe

"I can't live like this anymore. I know you are still involved with <OP>. I will be moving out. This is not what I wanted, but I cannot live like this any longer. Please read this letter. Good-bye for now."<p>....Then go. Nothing drawn out. No long discussions. No LBs. You wrote a PERFECT letter. Hand her the letter, then leave.<p>This will work .... trust yourself.<p>pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

J.R.<p>Your original plan is by far the best of all. Stick with it...<p>...however (and I probably shouldn't suggest this at all), IF you think that for one minute you might want to try, just one more time, to continue plan A: I'd burn my last chip and tell her exactly WHAT you know, and HOW you know. This would be it, mind you. IF she STILL wanted to try to convince you of her sincerity, she'd have to do something truly heroic at this point, like quitting that damned job that keeps her in daily contact with OM, and allowing you to keep up-to-the-minute tabs on every move she makes.<p>But the original plan to go to B would still be your best bet.

This is a really scary decison, isn't it, J.R.?<p>I agree with others. You need to tell her that you know the A is continuing and knowing this, you must separate from her to protect your love for her until she ends the R. It's hard to believe that WS keep putting BS in this position.<p>Take care,
Estes

You already know I totally agree with everyone else here. You've plan A'd to the max....don't doubt yourself now. No matter WHAT piddly pittance she's doling out to you now, she's NOT showing real remourse for her actions or much of an understanding of how she's REALLY affected you and your marriage. Of course she hasn't really had the chance to SEE that because as of now there have been no consequences....she needs to feel the consequences.<p>We'll be waiting to hear how it goes. Good luck.

J.R.,
I know how you feel. Going to Plan B is a very difficult step to make. Its hard to not cling to any little ray of hope.
I myself decided 2 weeks ago that I must move to plan B as well. The problem is I still love my wife, and telling her I dont want to see or talk to her anymore feels un-natural, because I do still love her.
I suspect you have similar thoughts.<p>Having said that, I feel that in the long run, Plan B will be the best for me. My situation differs a bit, as my WW moved out last month, and we have a child which makes an effective plan B more complicated. However, my wife continues to see OM, and uses me to fill some ENs when it suits her.
I can't live like this anymore.
I have to go to her apt. on tuesday to Install Internet on her computer.....I plan on handing her a Plan B letter as I walk out the door.
It will be the toughest day of my life. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>As tough as it will be, I know that at this point, for my own sanity, Its what I must do.<p>From everything I've read on your story J R, I think plan B may be your best option as well.
And no matter the outcome, you will be able to hold your head high because of the tremendous effort you've given to try and save your M.
Best Wishes!