Quick re-cap to anyone who doesnt know my story - My WH is leaving for the Army Reserve for 2 weeks on the 31th of the month and has told me that he is going to take this time to figure out what he wants to do - 2 weeks ago when we talked about this he said that he was 80% wanting to leave and 20% wanting to stay.<p>So for the past 2 weeks I have been doing my best plan A on both of us - I've gotten alot stonger for myself and the girls and have made a point of doing the things I know my H want and needs from me. Unfortunatly yesterday was a bad day - Not sure why, it just was, I was feeling very needy and just wanted him to tell me it was going to be ok. So... to try and make a long story short - Last night we get into bed and we are talking, he gets mad at me for something I said to the girls, I try to end the discussion by appoligizing and saying goodnight and asking for a hug (just to make myself feel a little better) and he pats me on the head (kind of like you would a dog) - I lose it, Roll over while muttering to myself - "you know your a selfish Son of a Bit**" he grabs his pillows and stomps out of the room saying he is not getting into this with me at 11:30 at night - Of course I follow him into the other room telling him that he cant do this too me, that I only have 2 weeks left with him and he owes me that time. He looks at me like i'm crazy - and actaully asks "what do you mean you only have 2 weeks left with me?" I tell him "I decided that I was going to treat the time up until you left like we were a happily married couplel and then let you go if thats what you still want. I love you and dont want you to go but I wont try to stop you if thats what you decide thats what you need to do" - He is still looking at me like I'm crazy but gets his pillows and follows me back to the bedroom, were laying in bed and I'm laying on his chest crying and he is playing with my hair - Telling me that its going to be ok (i'm thinking to myself how is this ever going to be ok) - So I roll away and he comes over to me and actually wants to have sex... <p>Ok - Now I'm really confussed... here is this man who I love with all my heart who had an EA with a woman from work, I believe contact has stopped but I know he still thinks of her because just 2 weeks ago he checked her horoscope on-line and a man that is telling he doesnt know if he will ever be "inlove" with me again and is leaving 2 weeks to figure out if he wants to be married to me and try to make our marriage work but when I finally get to a point of accepting that he is going to leave and that I can no longer do anything but show him that I love him and hope he figures out that he needs me, he actually gives me some hope, but is he going to crush me all over again next week? I dont know what to think or how to act... Has anyone been in this position? Have any suggestions? Have a clue what is going on in his mind? HELP!!
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I think they're so confused that they don't know what they want. Unfortunately, that makes it hell for us.<p>Last week, all week, went great for us, and then on Saturday, out of the blue, H said he wanted a divorce and that we might as well see a lawyer on Monday. By Sunday, he apologized and told me he was an idiot and didn't want to lose me and was sorry for taking his bad day out on me. <p>Thus, the mind games continue...except I don't think they're intentionally playing mind games...they're just so f***ed up that they swing from one extreme to another.<p>Sorry you're confused and hurt...I know how it feels.

Dani - Its just nice to have someone who understands, I hate to think that there are so many people out there that are going through this like me but it sure does help to have people to lean on or whine at.<p>It will end eventually - right?

Gosh, I hope it will end...I might end up in a straightjacket if it doesn't :-)<p>I'm just glad to know that the way H is acting is "normal" for someone in his situation. If I'd never found this board, I wouldn't think so...

If it's any help at all, even though I still have problems with my H still being in denial about some things, he is at least consistent with saying he loves me and is committed to the M. Rd, I lived the same scene you described with crying on his chest while he told me everything was going to be ok. I think it was within the first couple months after D-day when he was still threatening to leave whenever I pissed him off (by talking about the A or holding him accountable for anything that he was doing).<p>Anyway, he's been consistent with the I Love You and want the M message for 5 or 6 months, I believe, so the vacillation can result in a commitment to the M eventually. It's just very, very hard where you are now because there's no way to know for sure where he'll end up when he stops flip-flopping. But it's probably more possible he'll want the M than not. I think you have the right idea to enjoy what there is to enjoy for the time being and work on nurturing yourself and getting stronger.

If you made a commitment to yourself to try for these two weeks to continue to make things work, I give you alot of credit, especially for sticking to the commitment. There has to be something mentally wrong with these people that have affairs, and some are able to work through the problems while others can't. Whe my wife first left and I found out she was having an affair I don't know if I kicked her %ss out or if she chose to leave. I was so pissed off that to a certain degree I gave her no choice but to run away. I don't know if that was the right answer,a s now she is gone and I know the relationship is over. Since so much more has happened since she left. Because of where this went I give people credit that have the compassion to work on a relationship with their spouse especially if the spouse is caught up in the affair at the time. The only piece of advice I gcan give you is continue to stick to time frames you set when you start on these things, be it good or bad as long as you still feel safe, you know you tried as hard as you could and didn't give up when the going got tough. This sounds like what you are doing. The second point is to spend the time thinking when he is gone about what your life is going to be like with him, and without him when he comes back. You will have no way of knowing what his choices are, and both sides of the scale have to be examined in order to feel you are going to be able to handle things when he comes back. Who knows as you start to look at your life and what you need for yourself and the kids, you may have some fairly stringent things he must do before you will be willing to take him back. Somehow for your sake and the kids you must feel comfortable that he will never do the same to you again, and put you and the kids through what he did once already. I honestly don't believe the pain is any less the second time. Good luck.

Goodmorning all - <p>Dani -
somedays after dealing with the H and the kids a straightjacket doesnt sound all that bad, at least I would get some rest! HAHA! Isnt it amazing what we can consider "normal" at this point - Its kind of sad!<p>Conqueror
Its nice to hear that someone has been where I'm at and has come out in the winning end of this flipflop - somedays I swear he is just trying to drive me crazy but I know deep inside that he really doesnt have a clue how screwed up he really is. If I have found out anything its that I must really love this man to be able to put up with all this Shi* otherwise I would have had to kill him by now!<p>Lost -
I plan on talking to a lawyer while he is gone just to get all my stuff together just to be safe - I dont want him to leave but have resigned myself to the fact that if that is what he wants to do then he is going to do it no matter what I want! I'm much more prepared now than I was on d-day, which is good but god I'm scared!<p>We are going to his parents house this weekend for the holiday - It should be interesting, the last time we were there was the day after d-day to pick up the kids from a visit. His Mom has stated to me that she never knew he was so screwed up - much like his father (who is on marriage #4) and that she hopes that this is just a phase he is going through... I guess we'll see what happens.<p>One of my problems is this: I dont think I will be able to take him back if he moves out... at this point I have forgiven him for everything he has done to me (notice I didnt say forgotten) but if he leaves I dont think I will be able to forgive that - unfortunately he seems to think that by moving out this will give him the time he needs to figure out what he wants and then move back if he wants -He just doesnt get that I cant accept that.

STOP! BREATHE! CHECK OUT THREAD!!!!<p>"HEY SATAN"......(BITE THIS)<p>Love and sharing in your pain.......mine has been a long 3 years.......<p>(((((HUGS)))))<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

OOPS! That was SUPPOSE TO READ.......<p>Love To All and "Sharing your pain"......<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]