Sex thing creeps back in -- Issue of marked golf balls<p>You know I have to offer some background. A month or so ago we were celebrating my best friend’s birthday at a mutual friend’s home. This friend is more a friendly acquaintance to me & my DW, than a close friend, but we have socialized with he & his wife on numerous occasions, as he & my best friend are good friends. This was the party where my DW & I got our friend a bottle of Horny Goat Weed as a gag (I am now sorry to say, upon my suggestion). There were just three other couples & we were all around the kitchen island, the girls on one end & the guys on the other. My DW was on the gals side, but next to the guys if you will. Anyway this friend, I’ll call Chip is a very outgoing, funny guy, & virtually 80% of his humor is centered around sexually charged or connotative subjects. That evening he offers the ladies this whisky drink, called Jeramia Weed. My W and another gal accepted –no one else. Chip makes a big deal with my DW that he if she were not married he would like to take her out – all jesting of course [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] but with connotation that a drinking women could be loose & that was his style (nothing that direct never mentioned!). My DW becomes more involved in the guy talk than the gal talk & she is really laughing it up over his (sexually charged) jokes. She made a comment in front of everyone to Chip’s wife, “How could you ever get made at him, he is so funny!” and to me it carried a tone of how great this guy was & I thought I was witnessing a junior high party with the girl obviously developing a big crush. Now remember these are my perhaps over-reactive, paranoid, jealous feeling here, so keep this in mind. <p>I have never said a word to my DW about this incident or my feelings about this.<p> Here is current little incident: <p>Last night Chip, my best friend, another acquaintance/friend & I are playing golf. I mention to Chip that I got my DW a box of lady golf balls, the kind he uses. I tell him that I mentioned to her that he uses these & that she has become protect of these balls & is worried I might use some of them. I tell him I have been tempted to replace some of her balls with my used ones. He gets all enthused & suggests that he has some used balls (same kind) that he could give me to replace the new ones with. She’ll be really surprised when she open the sleeve, blah, blah. When we finish our round, he pulls out a couple of these balls & says that he has a permanent marker that he could write a little message & say Oh that’s not necessary, just put a happy face on them. As he starts drawing on a ball, he asks if she has a cell phone & I say, yes. He says, "I can put my number on here, so when she sees these she can call, ... if she carries it with her?" I say, no she does not take it with her. As he draws, he makes a stick figure below the smiley face & includes a small line down, from between the legs (like a penis). He does not include his number, but I am a little put off – I mean, how far does this little bonding thing need to go?! To me (again, I may be paranoid here!), this turns the little joke, not between me & my DW, but all of a sudden it is almost like between he & my DW?? He did not write his number on the ball. But at least now he is involved & with the stick figure he has a potentially sizzling [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] conversation to have with my DW?!. <p>This of course is not my DW’s fault. Do I say something? Am I being MR. Prude. Any suggestion as to how you would react, what you might say. I don’t feel compelled to use this ball or if I do, fill in the line between the legs – I am pretty sure he will ask about the little prank. <p>Peace,
HH

Hurrian:<p>Dude, she had 2 affairs last year and you are trying to make light of this sexual joking with another man? I don't care if he is a mutual friend. That familiarity alone opens the door even quicker to inappropriate behavior between them. If YOU are not comfortable with this, it is wrong! Remember, the BS defines the boundaries on what is and is not considered cheating, wandering, straying, etc. If you bring this up to your W and she makes light of it, shame on her for not being sensitive to your feelings on it. Quite frankly, you should be able to tell your most humorous friend to back off, too! Don't wait for this to go any further! Interfere in this sexual joking camaraderie right now in whatever manner is most feasible and comfortable for you.

Man, set that boundary with that guy and quick. No way was that appropriate. Even if my wife had not had an affair, I would never let any friend of mine carry on such sexually charged conversation with my wife, much less the golf ball incident. That was highly disrespectful.<p>I can only guess that you have difficulty setting boundaries. I recommend you obtain the book/tapes on boundaries from Cloud and Townsend. If you do, you will learn that some people in your life will come to love and respect your boundaries, and some will not. Those that don't, they need to go (and you need to be OK with letting them go if they won't respect your boundaries -- this may even include your wife).<p>You want your W to respect you and your wishes? She will never do that as long as you have flexable (or the total lack of) boundaries. Women love and respect a strong man. They despise and manipulate a weak one. Men will take advantage of another weak man.

HH:<p>You and your W need to talk about this and come to some understanding of what the limits are.<p>You need to talk to this "friend" about it too. If he doesn't back off willingly, meaning with enthusiasm and understanding, jettison the friend. Finding new friends, especially shallow twits, is a lot easier than finding new spouses or rebuilding Ms.

I am not a guy, but I just have to ask, when is it EVER appropriate for a male friend to give another man's wife a golf ball with a stick figure and penis drawn on it? Please, I am not a prude, but unless this was her brother making a joke, I just don't even begin to think it is a joke. I think this guy is trying to start something here.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

HH,
Are you being a prude? I think not. Given the history of yor wife's sexual interest in men, her provocative dress, condoms in her glove compartment... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your "friends" could end up being much more than that to her. As others have said, don't think that sexual joking with your wife and your friend is acceptable. It is NOT! Maybe you need to find some new friends... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Oh, one other thought...
I was playing tennis with my H the other day. He mentioned that another coach commented on his not being one of the "drinking buddies" anymore. (A condition that I put on our recovering relationship)<p>My H has realized that he can have drinking buddies or a wife, not both. (He met the OW in a bar with his "buddies")<p>I told him to let the guys know that i'm wearing the thigh highs, not them. He's not complaining about his choice! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Blind Sided, Mr. Bunky, 2long, unsureheart, hanora & ladySing,<p>Thank you so much!
I assumed it was obvious to be totally inappropite, but I needed some validation and want to be fair & keep my santity that I am not dilusionally paranoid!
Peace to all! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH<p>PS - And if it is not obvious, I tend to be a big "conflict avoider" (as I am sure you all have long recognised!) & I am always looking for examples as to how to address these kinds of things & what specifically to say! Thanks again!!<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Whenever I try to have discussions with DW about how I feel about certain things she may do, she will fight this in very strong manner. For example, if I remind her of the evening of joking with this guy, I am 95% sure she will become defensive & accuse me of being paranoid, prudish & that I cannot "put her into a box" -- I cannot control her & I am being unfair -- she is extremely gifted in verbal battles.
Do I remind her of her past actions with specific examples & that any reasonable guy would have similar feelings. When ever I introduce idea that other guys would have similar reactions, she'll pull out examples of friends that would not mind --
I guess the bottom line is that I have certain feelings about things & I have to ask her if she will respect these or not?

Thanks again!!

HH:<p>"I guess the bottom line is that I have certain feelings about things & I have to ask her if she will respect these or not?"<p>Yep.<p>My W can argue circles around me. But lately, particularly since I've told her this and how frustrating it is for me to have her finish my sentences for me (and wrongly, much of the time), she's listening to me more. Your W needs to know that her attitude hurts your feelings - and yes, even GUYS have feelings! And this hurt is affecting your M. Heck, if she's 49, she's probably an adult by now. She should act like one and get over the need for these stupid, childish, flirty overtures from horny male twits. Especially since she has a track record of being susceptible to having an A.