All,
I only mention this because I am thinking that is an issue with her sexuality. When she and I first dated/mated she was able to reach orgasms with just digit manipulation or oral stimulation, quite frequently. As time went on it became increasingly harder and harder for her reach her peak and hit the Big "O". We then moved into using an external only vibrator for clitoral stimulation by itself or used in conjunction with digital or penile insertion. We then went on to using a vibrating dildo plus the external vibrator. <p>Now, at first I thought it wasn't a big deal, I mean, what the hell, I didn't have to try so hard myself and I could use the "instruments of love" to get the job done (although I always tried to finish her off myself before we brought in the hardware!)<p>Okay, so what's the real issue? Well, after so many years of her telling how wonderful and understanding I have been as lover, (claims to have never been as comfortable and relaxed during sex as with me, plus I am patient - it can take 20 minutes or longer for her sometimes - and I don't care when she loses control of her bodily functions - she usually p**s during orgasm), and me having been so very comfortable in my status as her pleasure king, I ask her, "Did you cum for OM?" She said yes, a couple times or so that she can remember, but she doesn't know why. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] And it didn't require a vibrator, so that has deflated my ego somewhat. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now I have been trying extra hard to make her peak without using anything except me. I asked her one-day, "How can I make you cum w/o the vibrator?" She looked away thoughtfully then said, "Why don't you try slowly stimulating my G-Spot with your finger at the same time you are l**king me." So now I am thinking that this was the "technique" of the OM [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] But, I want to please her, so I try it next time around. For 20 minutes I got lots of writhing and moaning and groaning and mini-spasms but we didn't quite reach the top, so it was finished-off with the vibrator once again (and it took almost another 10 minutes of that). She finally asked me what was my goal in all this? Why was I so adamant in trying to please her w/o using the vibrators? I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was trying to match her experience with the OM, so I told that I was trying to get to cum like she used to when we first started seeing each other. She told me not to worry about it, she is happy and isn't concerned about our sex-life, so don't fret over whether I can make go all the way w/o using any instrumentation. But, alas, it does matter to me! <p>I am thinking that perhaps it is the excitement of being with someone new that gets her so passionate and hot that she doesn't need a vibrator, hence, her frequent orgasms with me during our "honeymoon" year and her orgasms during her brief PA. <p>So, in my mind, if she can reach those peaks with a new person w/o vibrators, than what is to keep her from seeking that same type of heightened excitement again with someone else? Is this a psychological issue within her?<p>I haven't given up yet. I am still going to find that "sweet spot" and get her there come hell or high water! I also noticed that her level of excitement is different throughout the month, presumably in conjunction with her hormone levels during her cycle, so perhaps I tried to get her there during a low hormonal level time of the month. I will try again (and again and again and again) but I wanted opinions and suggestions, both on her state of mind (difficultly reaching orgasms in a long-term "comfortable" relationship) and possible things that I can do to help to get to the top au natural! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Blind Sided:<strong>
So, in my mind, if she can reach those peaks with a new person w/o vibrators, than what is to keep her from seeking that same type of heightened excitement again with someone else? Is this a psychological issue within her?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>There is nothing to stop her at all if she was determined enough to do it. But it's going to be a bit more difficult for her to get away with it because now you are much more aware of the signs of an A. After all, you know what her daily behavior is like and would detect anything out of the ordinary with her.<p>I have a suggestion but it depends on how much kinkiness you are up to. The next time you are intimate with her try a role playing game where you are not Blind Sided but another man trying to seduce her. It's a fantasy that she can get into because it has the advantages of cheating without cheating and you may be defusing any desire for her to be intimate with another man. Sharing fantasies is sexual honesty and it's better than keeping them inside each other's head without the other partner's knowledge.<p>Remember that in this life we actually own nothing. We leave the same way we came, so enjoy the memories because that is the only thing we really own and take with us.<p>Joe

i know with me its the emotional side of things...if my head isnt into it-neither is my body. what i mean is if my husband has met my needs for affection i feel more excited. as women we make love with our hearts and our minds along with our bodies. you have to get away from just the physical side of things.<p>good luck...im rooting for you!!

You may already do this, but woo her some before you start doing anything. Get her totally turned on before moving to the stimulation part. I have problems when my H just jumps to the point and doesn't do anything to "set-up" the mood. Fill the room with candles, or get some sort of lighting that is soft and sensual going on in the room (even just a silk tree with clear christmas lights works wonders). This may sound crazy, but one night I spent the night with my H as his place and his nieces had put up those glow in the dark stars all over the room, just diming the lights and seeing nothing but stars all over the room carried me off to another deminsion. Your bedroom should be a really romantic, comfortable room. If not, make it one with reds and black and gold, colors of love, sounds crazy, but it works. If you set the scene up right, you might be amazed at what might happen.<p>For a woman, it's amazing what a little fore thought does to fore play!

just another thought or two... and just my opinion... I SURE ain't no expert on the subject!!!!<p>For many women, we don't have to have the big "O" in order to enjoy sex. The intimacy, attention, affection, kissing, passion, and love, is often plenty!!!! Men think it's so important to make sure we get there. Relax. <p>Therefore, she may be telling the truth when she says she's happy.<p>However: Another thought... She may be telling you she's ok without the big "O" just to make you feel better - to protect your feelings. I could NEVER EVER tell my H - no matter how many times he asked - that I wasn't satisfied sometimes. I guess it's a thing with some of us... that we don't want to hurt you or your male ego. I sure didn't want to seem selfish either. This is an issue for me, and other women like me. But there's ways you can help her - if this is the case.<p>I'm trying to think how H could have gotten me to open up more...<p>Try to trust her when she says she's happy, cuz if you push the issue - demonstrating how important it is for you to "succeed", she may just continue trying to protect your feelings. Say things like "I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm happpy if you're happy! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You know I always want to know what I can do better or different, k?" <p>Read books on the subject... share what you read and ask her what she thinks...<p>anyway... that about covers the possible psyhcological reasons...<p>physically.. you might leave out the toys for a while, and let her sensitivities adjust back to the au-natural way of life. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Check out the EN's forum, if you haven't yet. THere's lots of these topics and plenty of opinions on the subject over there [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .

Blind Sided,<p>I am going through a very similiar thing with my wife, except I can only make her cum through intercourse (no vibrators). I have tried oral and hand stimulation down there with no luck. She would get so discouraged about it. Before the OM our style of sex was fine. Now that she has met the OM she has changed. <p>See Women: Is SEX that important for you and your EN's? for my sex story.<p>So I read and tried and tried and each time I got more and more discouraged. Finally after a real bad incident (I accidently bit her nipple too hard) I have given up, and I do not feel like having sex with her again.<p>That was about a month ago, and I have been reading and trying to understand what I was doing wrong mechanically. Interestingly enough, I began reading "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" and it finally clicked. Most of sex for women is all in their head. An orgasm has only a little to do with the mechanics. Most everything needs to occur in the mind. <p>I do not know your entire story so I will explain this using my situation as an example. My WW is not fully emotionally attached with me again. This is a very crucial step in making her mind ready for orgasms. She needs to have a high love bank for me to be ready for sex and an orgasm. I am now going to wait for the right time before I try again.<p>Another big step is what is going on inside my WW head while we are having sex. I make my WW feel like she has to have an orgasm and this gets in the way of her having an orgasm. Let me explain: The book (Mars and Venus in the Bedroom) indicated that when it comes to sex, women are like the moon and men are like the sun. Women may have a full moon and be ready for sex, or they may have a new moon and never be able to have an orgasm. Timing is very crucial. They may not have an orgasm simply because it is not right timing. There is nothing wrong with them.<p>Additionally, we feel a women must climax for them to be fullfilled. This is not true. Women can be partially fullfilled without a climax. So women do not feel like they need to have orgasms everytime, it just is not natural. We should not force them to think that this is unnatural. Since a large part of sex is in there head, if we put preasure on women to perform, they can not relax and they try to have an orgasm. This inhibits the orgasm and makes them feel like they are inadequate.<p>Woman also need to have slight changes in sex to feel like it is spontaneous and new and not just old hat. Try changing the time around a bit. If you are always initiating in bed, initiate out of bed or in a different room. If you always initiate at night, try meeting her for lunch and then dessert. It needs to be exiting and new. That is probably why should could with the OM.<p>I am very interested in what others have to say about your situation. I have not tried my new approach yet, so I do not know if it works. Right now, I am still very scared of trying.

Guess I should not comment on this thread as I have not had this particular problem. My W was(at least told me)unable to attain O with her OMs. She would be with them and then come home and give me sloppy seconds to finish off the deed(PUKE). She has always been very orgasmic where our love life is concerned. Not that it helped any. <p> I do want to tell you not to give up. Rather than trying so hard on the mechanics, work on the emotional state leading up to the big finish. Make it an all day event....<p> jd

Ok, I need to give my two cents here. I agree with Dreamland that good sex is associated with emotional attachment and it is in the head. <p>I also agree that there are times it will work for my WW and other times when it is never going to work. With my WW it is also true that she doesn't need to reach orgasm to enjoy being sexual, but she if she doesn't she will usually come back later and want we to "take care of her" (at least this was the case in the past).<p>Sometimes, I am just so unsure about the whole sex thing. Some people tell me to wait till she comes to me, others say to let her know I want to have sex. We had sex this morning, at my urging, and at first she did not want to do it and then changed her mind. Since I know how to please her (and she let me know what she wanted) we both enjoyed ourselves. But I also know she is not totally emotionaly attached to me. I think both of us are confused afterwards and are not sure if we should have done it. I think I will try to cool it for a while and see if I can work more on our attachment.<p>As for making things work better, different experiences, creating the mood, and lots of foreplay are a must. I also think that establishing a pattern of non-sexual affection can prime the pump. As difficult as it may be the more communication about sexual needs the better. When my WW actually tells me what is good and bad, I know she is involved in what we are doing and can take care of her needs.<p>My wife also likes toys and seems to prefer to orgasm outside of intercourse (although not with toys). She can orgasm with intercourse but she is not in a position to attempt that, so I don't know if it will work (I assume if we ever get there...emotionally...things would be ok). I take the position that for right now if given the opportunity, I will please her the way she wants to. I still enjoy this even if it mostly onesided and it fits with my love for her and Plan A.<p>JDMAC1 - <p>My WW is very orgasmic also. I think sometimes I am getting seconds. On the other hand I think the OM may be getting it that way and he has no idea [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I realize that all of this painfull, but at least sharing it here makes me not feel so alone. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: onwardandup ]</p>

I prefer climaxing with oral or manually stimulation of the clitoris more so than vaginally. I think because I find it more difficult vaginally. My WH never took that long to have his. <p>We have now been having the best sex since d-day. I'm not sure why, I think he is trying harder to please me. He is lasting much longer and when he reaches climax we rest and then do it again, so he is actually climaxing two or three times. Which gets me very excited and makes it easier for me to reach it as well. <p>We have started doing new things as well. We never used any toys prior to the affair and now we use a vibrating egg or silver bullet. You insert them then proceed with intercourse it is stimulating to both partners. Also, we started having anal sex something I would never do before and something the OW would not do as well. I guess I wanted to try because it was something that could be special to us. I was afraid of it but OH MY GOODNESS!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I was very surprized that I had multiple vaginal orgasms because of it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I didn't think it was possible.<p>Good luck