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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,755
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Honey Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2001
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I am having issues... wanting to call and say I miss you... but then again.. I think he is too... we talked tonight briefly about his giving me some child support money... so... and he says he wants to take me out this wkend for bday>>>??? kind of worried... he sd... OH, but all I would want is sf? right, huh?<p>How about , I love you, I screwed up... I will turn around and Fix this... together... <p>I know ignoring him works wonders compared to calling with tears in my voice, etc...<p>Actually it was earlier today that I was doing the freaking... I made one call.. and never told him why.. talked about the money issues and poss. bday... No I miss yous, etc.<p>I feel empowered.. AFTER... goinmg to my sons bball party... we were number 2 team out of 24... seeing and talking to other parents... seeing I am not alone in raising kids... seeing that... My H is so )))>>>>>>aghhh@ for not coming to hardly any of sons games or party... other actually divorced dads were there... >>????<p>And I went shopping and got some cute clothes I will look super in! as I have 2 dinners planned this weekend with friends... and family... not including whatever h plans to do with me... I will not get my hopes up... I did mention jewelry is fine for his present... as he plans to get me a present..<p>MY H is totally fine... and wants to see me, sf with me... etc... but he does not want ANYTHING WIERD from me... now I do understand that... considereing my freaking out ability that has graced houston... over his A, or is that A;s and lying and cheating and drinking... and irresponsibility... cAN I JUST SCREAM>>>. why do I even love this Man????<p>I was thinking on my drive home... after empowerment shopping ..and feeling more ok being alone... that maybe the big D... is OK? maybe I am better without his crapolla... coming home late.. lying , going to bars... going out without me... etc... being irresponsible, unemployed right now... etc.<p>I am ok with that... then I think of that wonderful love we once have.. then I start thinking ... oh it is the kids.. the stress,...my nagging.. my fits over drinking, and irresponsibility and LYING>.. etc... oh, he is a sweetheart.. and wouldnt that just be heartbreaking to have the D happen and to live without him as my H???<p>I dont even know... confusion.. HELLO.... at least I feel less like callilng now.. and saying Oh I miss you... it has been a while since I cuddled... was held or was even loved... or felt loved by a man... and this is making me feel lonely in my big king sized bed.. even though my kids.. climb in a lot... !<p>But, I feel that no sf with him... is making him more aware of what life without me.. is like.. as we were very good at that part of our realtionship.. that is one reason that I am tempted to give in.. especially on a birthday weekedn.... but, I am now ... feeling more like he has to court me and prove his love to me ... before it even gets close to that again... YES... now I am talking... as much as I would love to.. it is not what we need... since my early plan a... involved plenty of sf.. and helped a lot.. but he was just fine..<p>WITH SF>.. wkend nights sleepovers with me and even the kids... psuedo family time... just once a week , etc.. WHIle he does whatever the hell he wants the rest of the time?// that is when I sd... NO< more.. and it has been no more.. for a while now... my no more plan has not been a plan b.. and there has been ow number 2 complications.. though he is not crazy over here.. perhaps using her.. and perhaps sf.. the maid .. for those of you that dont know.. but if he is... he doesnt want to marry her.. etc.<p>ow number one was some kind of tota l freak... having my h think he might love her.... I just about lost it over that one... but now... <p>things are different.. <p>anyway.. just a bit confused... <p>comments and suggestions always appreciated.. <p>thanks, H [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Dec 2000
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so, make a decision.<p>Don't call.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,661
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bet you feel better typing that out to us, huh? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please don't call him. Keep talking to us... write him a letter and store it somewhere safe or tear it up. <p>It might make you feel better for about 20 seconds... NOT worth it. Focus on feeling better for your LIFETIME... be strong!!!<p>k?

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 37
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Joined: Apr 2002
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I definitely know where you are coming from. My H and I have been seperated for a month now. It is not easy to deal with. He finds it easier to avoid me no that he doesnt regain feelings. I think he is afraid. <p>I have to many emotional roller coasters each time I speak too him. I was doing well with Plan A then he would say or do something and I would loose it, be all teary eyed and beg for him too come back. I decided last night no more. I am living for me as painful as that is.<p>I will just pray we get back together. My prayers are with you, as well

Joined: Jan 2002
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Honey,
I see huge strides to emotional health in your post. I love it again! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] All your feelings are true/real/normal. You started your post wanting to call him but through it you got to reality of the way things are and started considering D again. That is good! It is good because you are not consumed with the fantasy world of what things could be like IF H would just "wake up" (which might happen and it might not). But rather you see the reality of what is actually going on. You miss him, that is ok, that is normal, that is healthy BUT what you did to take care of you is NOT call. That too is good, normal, healthy! I love that you say you feel like he should court you and prove his love for you! That is so true! You are worth it! This is you loving yourself. Keep posting here before you call. Your doing great. There is no quick fix. All you can do is take care of you day by day and not live your life waiting for H to change but rather living life to the fullest and IF he decides to join you thats GREAT and IF he decides NOT to join you thats GREAT too!!! I'm glad you have plans with friends this weekend. You keep taking care of you and everything else will work out! You are doing GREAT!!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Jan 2001
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Don't call. Don't call. Don't call.<p>This is your addiction, Honey, and you can't afford even a small fix.<p>Think carefully: what was this "wonderful love you once shared"? You've described a marriage that from the very start included drinking, binge drinking, physical violence, emotional abuse and battery and a long history of As. You've described neglect, abandonment whenever he felt like going out partying, lack of responsibility, lack of financial responsibility,lack of nurturing. What are your emotional needs, Honey? Which of them has ever been met by your H? And which of them is he capable of meeting now, now that you know him to be the man he really is and not some misty romantic ideal?<p>Have you read CoDependent No More? Honey, this is all about you, not about your H. Addicts seek out enablers, enablers seek out addicts. Both parties are codependent. You can choose to get healthy, just as you could choose with diabetes. *Acknowledge that you have the disease
*Get professional help
*Follow the recommended diet and exercise program
*Take whatever medication is necessary
Live long and prosper!<p>I'm not slamming you. I'm codependent myself; I'm the (step)daughter of an alcoholic, the exwife of one, the mother of a drug addict and the wife of a codependent workaholic who cheated on me even before we were married. So I'm speaking out of my own experience here. And sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside a faceted diamond; I can see all these ways out, all these truths, but somehow I'm paralysed. It will take everything you've got, absolutely everything, but the reward for the commitment is immeasurably great: your self, precious, free and enough.

Joined: Oct 2001
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Honey Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2001
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Thanks friends for helping me get through this... I have felt way better.. and i do see him more as HE REALLY IS... I still miss the good times.. but his irresponsibility and drinking issues... make for so many... and made for so many bad times.. it makes me want to cry right here at my desk.<p>I want someone who really cares about what is good for me to be in my life.. not just someone fun... see meeting him at 16- ALL fun and no work was ok... but having a real life.. with success and achievements, accomplishments.. and joys... is harder to come by..<p>with lies... drunkenness and confusion that alcohol wraps around you... I have tried so very very hard to make this marriage work... ALL BY myself at times... and to find out I have been betrayed... <p>????<p>I never knew of the true depth of the betrayal until 8 months ago.. but it is sinking in day by day.<p>thanks for being here.. it felt great to type it out..> I know I am on an emotional roller coaster.. really for most of our relationship he was my best friend... there were issues mixed in but WAY MORE good times than bad... I know I talk about the bad here.. I just want to cry, I have loved him so much.<p>but I deserve to be loved at least as much as I love.. and that is a lot.<p>Sorry my h doesn't see how special I am..<p>I hate that his big A.. was mixed in with a major illness and debilitation of mine... (I really was not me for 2 yrs... while so out of shape because of my back, etc...) But isnt that when you love someone more... when they need you.. he was a caregiver to me.. crazy as that sounds... an alcoholic? he did a lot for me... but then again.. he decided in the end.. he would reather go on a party then live his life with me and his boys...<p>Thanks, H

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
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Joined: Feb 2002
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Honey -- I too am separated. It's been four months. Struggling, but stronger and trying to be a better person.<p>From what I have read of your posts, please do not call him. <p>Mostly I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. My birthday while separated was hard, but great friends and family made it fun and I felt loved by them. I wish for you the same.

Joined: Jul 2001
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Honey,
What kind of birthday plans do you have?


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