Sorry my computer is acting up and posted this before I was done writing it. Ok here goes. Please save any flames until you've read this. Sorry for being so long.<p>Since I'm a newbie here I will post some links that will let get to know me.
My First Post
Recap of my story
Most recent update<p>Well now to the reason I'm posting this message. For the past 2 or 3 days I've been feeling pretty good. Better than I've felt since this whole mess started. (An up on the rollercoaster I guess.) Well last night I started coming down. <p>About 1am last night I woke up because my dog was barking, a second later I found out why when the doorbell rang. I groggily put on my robe and stumbled to the front door. I was cursing whoever it was. All the while hoping that it was my WW. Well it wasn't my WW it was my SIL whose been MIA for the past 2 months. The bad thing about that (if you've read my first post you already know why) is that I had an EA with my SIL. The good thing was that here she was in front of me and I didn't feel anything. I was happy to see her alive, but that's all.<p>I let her in (she was looking for my WW, because I knew that if I didn't she would disapear again for who knows how long. I told her that she had moved out to her own apartment. My SIL was shocked. We sat down and talked a bit. I brought her up-to-date on her family, and she told me a bit about what she's been up to. (A PA with a "man who isn't married, but has lived with the mother of his children for 4 years." )<p>My SIL asked to crash for the night, so I got her a pillow and covers and she spent the night on the couch. <p>This morning I told her goodbye and came to work. First thing I did was send and email to my WW. (She hasn't spoken to me since my last post) I told her that her sister was back. My WW IM'd me back. The first thing she told me was 'sorry I havent spoken to you, but I haven't wanted to.' ( I suspect that OM has a lot to do with that. He is pressuring her to cease all contact with me. It's almost like he's following the "Harley Method" except he's the OM) <p>Then she told me that she didn't want to see her sister again. (Boy do I understand that) On the other hand she didn't want to be responsible for her sister disappearing again. <p>So now my SIL is at my house, my WW doesn't want to speak to me, and I'm gaining speed on a downhill rollercoaster. Hoping that eventually I will find the bottom and start going back up and not hit the bottom and go splat.<p>Now I'm questioning if I'm supposed to get back with my wife. I recently asked God for a sign that my SIL was ok.(MY WW was very worried about her sister last week.) I didn't ask God to bring her home. (I did ask him to bring my WW home, and to show me a way out of the tremendous finacial strain I'm in)<p>I have to wonder if God is testing me to see if I'm still weak. (I'm not) Or is this a sign that it's time for the family to start healing. (I don't think so. I think it's way to early for that.)<p>I don't know anymore.<p>Now I am truely,
Feeling Lost<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: FeelingLost ]<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: FeelingLost ]</p>

I forgot to mention that my WW called my MIL. I'm hoping that by the time I get home tonight my SIL will be gone.

If she's not gone when you get there, tell her to leave. Suggest she go visit her mother or your wife and ask her to not come back. You cannot make any progress with her in the vicinity.<p>WAT

Thanks WAT,<p>I needed a quick snap back to reality. Still feeling very down though. Doing my best to bury my head in work. That usually helps.<p>Feeling Lost

IMHO:
I am with WAT on this one. SIL needs to go. It is too much of a temptation. Run like hell from temptations regardless of how you may feel now.<p>About you mentioning about a sign from God, after God gave us the gift of the Holy Spirit (to the saved), he has little need to give signs. You know in your heart what is right, God has given you the Holy Spirit for your guide. Search for an answer from God. <p>No matter what you think, you are still married until you get a divorce in writing, and God honors the written contract. Since God gives you the right to divorce your wife if she has an PA, the choice of getting a divorce is up to you. God wishes that the marriage stays together, but I think he gives us men an out becuase he knew how important it is to us that the w stays true to the h sexually. <p>Since the choice is yours, search your heart to see if you still love your WW. If you do, continue trying to get her back, but only do so out of your unconditional love for your WW. Only you can make this decision. Is she worth it? What is it that you find in her that is attractive? Why did you fall in love with her? Are these qualities readily available in any women? Ask and answer all these questions. Put them on paper, you can even send this as a letter to her.<p>My life is also like a roller coaster. My ups and downs are so high and so low. I am so crazy that I may be crying one hour and hollering for joy the next. I think this is completely normal.<p>Try to keep your head above water. Keep posting and try to concentrate on the positive signs your WW is giving. Keep reminding yourself that you and your WW have a much greater chances of staying together than WW and OM. The A will eventually die. Have you considered Plan B with no contact?

Thanks for your reply Dreamland. You've given me some good advice in the past. I do love my wife with all my heart. In fact that's why I've was so happy these past few days. I realized at some level that I loved my wife very much, and that nothing could ever change that. <p>Not even now with this new wierdness in my life do I doubt that I love my W. <p>I agree that SIL has to go. Just because I don't "feel" anything for her now doesn't mean I'm cured. I know how addiction works. I used to have a bit of a problem with alcohol. (Before I married my W. Actually she helped me quit that habit. "Quit or lose me" she said. Easy choice. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) One of the many things that I love about her.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Ask and answer all these questions. Put them on paper, you can even send this as a letter to her. <hr></blockquote>
I've been thinking of writing my W a love letter. Maybe a pre-Plan B letter. I don't think my love bank in in danger right now. I just have a lot of self-doubt. I wonder, "What if she comes back, and then it doesn't work out?" I'm sure you've had your share of thought like this. <p>I'm a quite guy, and generaly speaking a very private guy. Posting here is both good and bad to me. Good that I can get these thoughts out of my skull, and bad because I told "a secret". I'm very sad that we are all going through this, and I'm overjoyed to see the success stories. <p>I'm rambling on. Sorry. My mind is full of jibberish right now. <p>Do you have any thought/suggestions on a potential love letter to my W? I used to write poetry a long time ago. Some of it was good. Now all I seem to write su**. I couldn't even make a good Country and Western song out of it. Happy then sad. YuK!<p>Thanks for letting me get these thoughts out of my head. <p>Feeling Lost

FL - role reversal here> you have to Plan A your wife.<p>Are you up to speed on Plan A?<p>Many BSs write Plan A letters, which are essentially Plan B letters without the punch line (isolation from the WS until he/she is ready to re-commit to the marriage). Remember, a Plan B letter IS a love letter.<p>So, I recommend you start with the sample Plan B letter in SAA and modify it to fit your situation and to remove the punch line. Post it here for review.<p>WAT

FeelingLost,<p>Your LOVE letter should be your happy feelings for your wife. Make no demands, do not say anything negative. This is not a Plan B letter in any way. This is a Plan A letter. Dr. Harley talks about this a little. You do a great job describing your negative feelings (even some positive ones) on this website. Pretend like you are writing a post. It should all just spill out. Do not type anything! Hand write it. It is much more passionate. I just wrote an 8 page letter (do not know if I am going to give it to WW or not. see my post.) about a sexual fantasy with my WW. I do not think she is ready for this type of letter but think about it for later.<p>Write about your past good memories, about how you long to be with her, about her phyiscal features, about how she made you a better man etc.<p>Good luck, and I would love to see this posted. I think many of us men need to start writing more in Plan A since we have so much difficulties expressing our feelings in person.

Thanks WAT & Dreamland<p>I'll start a draft of a letter to my W tonight. I'll try and post it up tomorrow. I think it'll help me get back in the "happy" mood I was in just yesterday.<p>Feeling Lost