I'm new to this site, and have read through lots of things. I even printed out two copies of the questionnaire about meeting each others needs - I have filled mine out. I gave one to my H and asked him to fill out. We haven't compared notes yet.<p>This is what I need help with - why do I always feel ambivalent about staying/leaving the marriage? It literally changes from one hour to the next. This has been going on for two years (since I found out about my H affair).<p>I was always so certain up to a point, and now I just don't know. No, he doesn't meet some of my needs according to the way I answered the questionnaire.<p>I try to compare the good times vs the bad, but neither side comes out with more points.<p>We have both been married before, and I know in my situation (we met after these marriages were finished with), that I left my husband for reasons far less damaging than infidelity.<p>We have been to counselling, I read everything I can get my hands on......but, nothing. I can't bring myself to make a decision either way. Any suggestions? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi!
I would say you need to give your marriage more of a chance - its easy to run before you have really tried to work on things, although that is most people's initial reaction to their WS infidelity.<p>You say you have filled out the EN's questionnaire - if he has filled his out that's a good sign he is willing to begin working things. But if he hasn't, don't give up. Someone told me on this forum early on, that when she began meeting her H's EN's the way HE wanted (not what SHE thought was important to him), he began meeting her needs the way she needed him to, as well. <p>My H and I have still not been able to talk about his 2 EAs in the past 18 months - but he is now in IC, and I am working hard on trying to meet his ENs as far as I can figure them out, since I haven't been able to get him to read or look at anything. But another person on this forum told me to treat him like a science experiment and try meeting each EN one at a time and take note of the result - so far, my H fits the pattern of men in general - needs more SF than he was getting b4, needs LOTS of admiration (I am RELIGIOUSLY complimenting him EVERY DAY for at least one thing he does well, or that I admire about him - I let him know in a casual way, without making too much of a big deal how well he I thought he did something - men want their competence to be recognized - it makes them feel GREAT when someone notices - if you are the person who notices, he will give you big points on his scorecard for noticing), and more RC - I have started playing boardgames with him - find one he loves to win at - a man on this forum told me men love strategy games - who cares if you lose all the time, you are winning back your marriage by getting him to engage one-to-one with YOU and not with another woman, without having to have heavy conversation about Feelings, which is just too much for most men.<p>Try - give yourself a month, and see if you feel any better about him - see if he comes out of his cave and out to play with you - then see if he will meet any of your needs in a small way - babysteps first, NO PUSHING for the big stuff - right now, my H is meeting my need for loving physical touch that isn't sexual - without even knowing it - bcos now we are at the point where I can say "That really makes me feel better - or - I feel happy when you do that - I also give him permission to make me happy - I say "You can do that to me anytime - it makes me feel happy" - they say when a man loves a woman, he wants to make her happy, but I am learning that the woman has to learn how to tell a man what makes her happy without sounding demanding.<p>I think some OW are great at this - so us old dogs gotta learn new tricks.<p>Just try - see what happens - what do you have to lose? I know it's hard not to dwell on what might be happening with him and the OW - I also have this problem - but I am giving myself some time to do this, as well as working on my own personal goals - and we shall see.<p>I am having good results with my H - lots of attention and affection coming my way - still have a long way to go, though, but I am trying to be positive and feel encouraged by his change of attitude.<p>Good luck and keep posting.
Odile

Oh, also, look at Harley's article on resentment - you say it's 2 years since you found out - is it still ongoing or has he ended the affair?<p>Harley says resentment lingers and poisons a marriage and is difficult to deal with - the best way to eliminate it is to replace the bad memories with new good ones. You must be willing to allow him to meet your ENs, otherwise, you will punish him by withholding this from him. I would say that if he wants to do this, you have a good chance of recovery.<p>Odile

Thanks for your insights. I actually came to realise after many hours thinking long and hard in the wee small hours (isn't that always the way), that the obstacle is resentment. If I hang on to those, it still gives me something to be angry about. I have realised (yes, only just this point in time) that the ambivalence comes when I feel my needs aren't being met. Then I drag up the resentments about the affair because it acts like a justification and there you have it. I will/won't stay (in my thoughts only, because I HAVE stayed) because he is/isn't meeting my immediate needs. I knew I'd figure it out sooner or later.<p>No, I don't believe he is continuing any contact whatsoever with OW, not because I know for sure, but because there is no emotional distance from him that was so tangible back then. Looking back you can see it very clearly, however, I don't pick up those vibes at all now. No matter how hard I look. Believe me, like any BS I'm sure, we look REAL hard.<p>He has been willingly going to counselling and generally answered any questions I have had.<p>I need to let go of the resentments and I feel that will be a huge step in me recovering from this trauma. I know if I don't, then I will be just as guilty of emotional distance from him (if you know what I mean) and we all know where that path leads to.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi again,
All this sounds good - that you have realized that resentment is a problem - I know that for myself too - when I read SH article on resentment, I realized that when my H and I fought, I was always bringing up the past, even for stuff he had already said sorry for - even though I still feel sorry isn't enough and he has to deal with WHY he does that kind of stuff, dragging it up during arguments was a very destructive thing to do and did not accomplish what I wanted, which was to bring us closer. On the day I realized that, I acknowledged to him that I realized this was destructive and that I had to change, and that was when I began my policy of complimenting him every day - the fruits of this have been enormous - i feel we have now restored a lot of the love we once had for each other - he now refers to me as his best friend and signed my birthday card "All my love". <p>I am working hard on trying to replace the bad memories with new good ones - we just passed the hurdle of my birthday this week, and our anniversary is next week - this will be hard, b/c last year, I didn't even get a card.<p>I think the fact that your H is in counselling and willingly answers any of your questions is a very good sign - very good. My H isn't there yet, although, like you, I have radar antennae tuned for the emotional distance - if your H is tuned into you - you are doing well.<p>I'd say work on building some new memories, recall old good memories and work on meeting his needs the way he wants them met and on how to communicate your own needs in a non-demanding way. I have learned a lot from the book "Mars and Venus Together Forever - Communication Skills for Lasting Relationships."<p>Good luck!
Odile