I know that a lot of ya'll know jdmac1. Well I'm his wife and for almost a year now he has been on here and I never said a thing about it or got on here to tell my side but it is about time that I did. And also to let ya'll know that ya'll are also adding to the problems that we are having.<p> Yes as ya'll want to say it I was the ws but also I'm the bs to. Well I will start to tell my side of the story even tho it probably want matter to ya'll. We had been married for 18 years and things just keep getting worse. I felt like he had put me on the back burner for those 18 years and he was starting to push me even farther back. He didn't want to go anywhere with me when I asked him to or even spend time with me, just him and me, even tho I was begging him to. It was always the kids the kids (yes I do love my children but where was the time that I needed). He couldn't even come to bed with me. It got to the point that I would pick a fight with him every day just to feel like he was paying attention to me. It seemed like it was nothing but the computer, tv, and the kids that was all that was important to him. During our fights I would tell him that he need to give me the time that I needed or he was going to loose me but did that matter to him no not one little bit. Every time that I would ask him to come to bed with me it was always the same old thing, In a sec, or just a min., or in just a bit. I felt like he would tell me that stuff because he knew that I would be asleep and then he wouldn't have to come to bed with me. This went on for over a year when this younger guy came up to me and one thing led to another and the I had one affair and then another they were both with younger guys. Yes I know that was no excuse for the affairs but I thought that there was something a wrong with me that he couldn't stand to be with me or around me or even touch me. Then after he found out about the affairs we went through the usual stuff after the affair. Then we decided to try to stay together and thing would change and that he could make me happy and thing would be different. He started coming to bed with me and things was doing better and we were getting a lone fine. Then it come time for me to go back to work (I work for a public school and drive a school bus, so I'm off all summer. From May to Aug.) then he started accusing me of all kinds of stuff. He doesn't think that I should talk to a man and if one talks to me I'm to walk away and ignore them and be rude. Well I'm not that kind of person. My boss at the bus barn and the other bus driver are men I'm not to talk to them about anything not even work and if I do it is hell to pay. If a man looks at me it is my fault and it is hell to pay for me. So every day is a big argument between us. When we get into an argument he always throughs up the affairs in my face and I fill like he dose it to hurt me. <p> Now the part where ya'll come in and make things worse. We had a promise that there would be one thing that we would never do on a computer and that was chat. Well he had been chatting to ya'll after I would go to bed, to were I wouldn't know this. Then he started to chat with this girl that lived not to far from us and when I would walk into the room he would close it down and would not let me see anything. He changed his password to his e-mail after he started getting letters from ya'll because he knew that he was to get e-mail form other women and he does all the time from some of ya'll. He is back to staying up at night and not coming to bed with me anymore. I wish I knew what is wrong with me that he can't give things up for me. HE TELLS ME THAT ALL OF THIS IS MY FAULT.

Mrs. JDmac,<p>I am one of the ones that used to correspond with JD a while back. It has been a while and it was with info from this forum and due to this forum. At this time I will still say those conversations were how to better each of our individual families whose lives where shattered due to A's. <p>This is a marriage builders forum and it is recommended that both you and JD please decide what is root of your problems and what each of you will decide to do about it. Honest and clear accountability is important. JD and others can recite the emotional needs questionnaires and the general rules we learn here and throughout life about MB. <p>So apart from what JD has contributed, what is your plan? What do you see in your future for your family?<p>Thanks for writing. <p>L.

I dont email your husband nor have I read many of his post, But no one here who truly believes in marriage builders wants to bash you.. I can see how h staying up on computer and never coming to bed would be a problem.. a major LB I think he should listen to your side and certainly if you are not in agreement with H on the isssue of chatting on the net, then by all means that should be a NO NO, I can also see where a BS could get hooked on the support here, and it make them not notice they are not taking care of things at home.
Staying up late on the computer has led my husband to many A's while he was pouring his heart out to women on the net, he was meeting them, eventualy I stopped being a betrayed spouse and became a wayward spouse, because he fullfilled none of my needs. ever. <p> every one hear knows there are two sides to every story.
welcome to marriage builders, and read every thing you can, you will learn alot about your self and your husband here.

Welcome, and we are glad to have you here, and to hear your perspective on things.<p>I hope you will spend a little time here with an open-mind, and see what we're all about. <p>While we're not perfect, this is a wonderful place of support, while people are going through the very painful circumstance of infidelity, or other marital difficulties. This place helps people figure out what THEY did wrong in the marriage, accept responsibility for it, make changes in themselves, and we strive to wait lovingly and patiently for the affair to die, and for the wayward spouse to hopefully choose to return home.<p>The fact that your H came here, indicates his deep love for you and his desire to keep his family together.<p>There's a few links in my signature line, that you find helpful in understanding this web-site.<p>I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can find support here, as well as forgiveness and understanding in your heart. We would love nothing more than to support both of you in this journey.

Hello,<p>I'd like to join the others and welcome you to MB. While I'm a newbie myself I found a few similarities to you M and mine.<p>I am both a BS and a WS. (In case you don't know the shorthand around here this is a link to the Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes)<p>In any case I neglected my WW's EN's I spent far to much time on the computer and not enough time with her. So she started an EA/PA with a co-worker. Then I did the dumbest thing possible. I had an EA of my own. <p>So why tell you this? To let you know that you are not alone. This board is full of people that are going through situations that are similar to yours. This site is about support. <p>I've gained the strength to fight for my marriage here. If you are willing to open your mind and post there are many people here who are willing to share your pain or offer you the insight that they have gained from thier own experiences. <p>I hope you decide to stay on MB, and I hope that you do decide to work on your M. <p>Feeling Lost

We are not your enemies with the purpose of destroying your marriage, on the contrary we want your marriage to avoid beign another casualty statistic.<p>Sure these forums are biased towards the betrayed spouse but I would urge you not to turn your back away from us and the Marriage Builder concepts because together they can help you understand and hopefully repair your marriage.<p>Many of the people here have been in your shoes and they are one of our greatest assets because just like you, they give us their knowledge about they went thru and how they were able to comeback from a their affairs and rebuild their marriages. They are truly wonderful people and we value them deeply.<p>Stay for a while and we may just change your mind.<p>Joe

Welcome…. I am sorry for what you have been going through. I know from experience that feeling unloved and unwanted in a marriage can leave a person very vulnerable. It’s good to hear your side of the story. There always are two sides aren’t there?<p>As for the MB contribution to your problems. What we do here is not really chat. We post on a forum. There is really very little direct ‘talking’ going on. Members are discouraged from emailing or chatting with opposite sex members. This is a place to build healthy marriages. Starting Internet relationships is not condoned here. <p>Your H’s behavior, as you describe it, goes against MB concepts. MB has The Four Rules
for a Successful Marriage : care, protection, time and honesty. His actions are breaking all of those.<p>It sounds like all but maybe one of the people here were trying to help.<p>And no it is not all your fault. You both share equally the responsibility for the state of your marriage. And each of you have 100% responsibilty for your own affair or wrong behavior. Don't even buy into that.<p>[ May 26, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

zorweb
I assume you mean me since my post is the only one that addressess some of her issues.It sounds like all but maybe one of the people here were trying to help.<p> How ever you are wrong and that statement was pointless. I do want her to know her side is just as important, never assume there is only one side to every story, and her feelings are real and I can understand why these things she mentioned are of concern to her. WHY not speak of them>? I just wanted her to know she isnt completely alone in those feelings. and that those things can be worked out, as we have done so.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>zorweb
I assume you mean me since my post is the only one that addressess some of her issues.It sounds like all but maybe one of the people here were trying to help.<p> How ever you are wrong and that statement was pointless.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
momof8,<p>Zorweb didn't mean you, but rather the woman who has been corresponding with JD. She didn't help the situation at all.

What really strikes me about this, is that jdmac1 might have had an opportunity to rebuild, and missed it.<p>He's been a frequent and adept poster. And if you go to a support group, you will be supported on the story that you present. But you must stay in touch with the real world.<p>How many posts, is too many? Here I'm close to 200 in about a year, and I think that might be too many. Figuring that a lot more time is spent reading here than writing.<p>- Tom

To Mrs JDmac and JDmac,<p>The purpose of this forum is to help and share ideas on working on our individual marriages. If at some point 2 persons have taken off in the wrong direction (very possible since many emotional topics are discussed here), then it is totally acceptable to and an honorable thing to ask for help. <p>The question that now comes up is why now? You mentioned that at least both of you had EAs. If you together have a single goal to restore your marriage and each willing to do their share individually and collectively, there is nothing that would make the MB folks here happier. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JD knows about MB principles. You are also very welcomed to learn and grow. There are couples that post here showing both sides of the issue and 2 different couples have posted to you. <p>This is to let you know that if the attitudes and goals are together, then recovery is certainly possible. History can not be removed but the future can certainly be better. <p>Mrs. JDMac, I certainly hope you and JD are able to work out your differences. JD in the past did help me and many others through our individual hard times and visa versa. <p>I am not sure if you are referring to me, but if you are, please know that in my communications with JD it was never for other reasons than MB support. <p>In my situation I am the BS. I can certainly understand the pain from that point of view. <p>My H does know I communicate with several from MB here. In fact, I am going to meet a couple one of who posts on MB this afternoon. I hope it will be a fruitful visit. <p>Take care and let us know how we can help. <p>L.

Two more thoughts, sjmac1,<p>First,
Your H came on here when he found himself vulnerable to an EA (emotional affair). (You could find those posts - they're here.) We strongly recommended to him that he end all contact with her, and prevent further damamge to the marriage. <p>Unfortunately, quite often, the BS becomes vulnerable to an affair of their own, because the immense pain, and unmet needs in the marriage (this part you understand because of your own affairs).<p>
Second
I like what Orchid said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So apart from what JD has contributed, what is your plan? What do you see in your future for your family? <hr></blockquote><p>Where can ya'll go from here? Are you willing to work together? <p>There's some basic steps you both need to take, that can give your marriage a real chance to be all you both want from it.<p>1. You both need to write "No Contact" letters to any "Other men/women" in your lives.
2. You both need to get into joint counseling.
3. You both need to be honest with each other, and agree on a plan to give your marriage the 100% effort it deserves.<p>Without BOTH of you working on those 3 things simlutaneously, you will continue in this cycle of further damage and pain. These fall under the Harley 4 Principles of Recovery: Protection, Care, Honesty, and Time. <p>Good luck to you both!<p>[ May 26, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I would like to personally thank you all for responding to my wifes thread. I have tried ever since I found and became comfortable with this site to get her to come here. <p> It is my deepest desire that she come to love the concepts and people of this site. I really feel this may be our last, best, chance to repair our marriage and move into recovery.<p> I will bow out of her thread now and will not let this become an SNL/thinker type situation.<p> Wife, welcome to Marriage Builders <p> jd<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

mom of five,<p>MelodyLane is right. I was trying to say that everyone has been trying to help except for the one woman who seems to be corresponding inappropriately with her jdmac. I wanted sjmac1 to know that this is not a cheap chat room like so many others on the Internet. I wanted her to know that most of us are very sincere in our efforts to help rebuild marriages.<p>I am so sorry that I worded it in such a way that you were confused by my words. <p>--------------------------
MelodyLane,<p>Thanks for clarifying this. We drove up to Durango for the weekend to see my sister’s new home so did not even see this till now.

Wow! My heart feels so warm reading your post, sjmac1!! WELCOME! You know, I have been praying for you and for your family for a long time! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Don't you guys have twins? Ours are little right now tho, but we also have an older one and girl/boy twins. If I remember correctly...<p>This is an anonymous forum, but we tell stuff about our families and we pray for each other and try to encourage each other in MB principles.<p>I'm so glad to see your side of part of the story. You know, I remember when jdmac1 told us about his sin of anger getting in the way of your disagreements. I remember when he said he got so frustrated, he punched a hole in the door. I remember that. I know that living with a man like that could be really scary.<p>My H goes the other way. When he gets really overwhelmed with frustration (with me), he shuts down. I am the one who gets angry and SINS. The Word tells us to be angry and sin not. That's how I found this site. I was driving my H away due to anger.<p>Discovering this site was also a way for me to take responsibility for the devastation I caused in so many lives when I gave birth to an "other child" (OC) by a married man when I was 20.<p>I raised the child alone (no contact), MM stayed with his wife, they paid child support for 15 years, OC is grown now, and everybody lived happily ever after, right? Right! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] NOT! Affairs cause permanent damage!<p>Even tho God forgives us, the consequences do not. We all have a price to pay in this earth. We get to decide if we can live with the consequences by changing what we can, or rather, allowing GOD to change what needs to be changed about us in order to live in peace.<p>True, the decision to have affairs IS your fault, but your H's angry outbursts are NOT your fault. We are all in control of our decisions. Your H's problem with jealousy is NOT your fault. Your H's accusatory behavior is NOT your fault, but rather, consequences of the trust being broken.<p>But you know? Now that you can become more familiar with the MB concepts, like love bank deposits, emotional needs, love busters, you guys can begin to work together as a team! That's what it's all about! Teamwork!<p>It sounds like you have an emotional need for conversation, recreational companionship, and admiration--all of which were neglected in the past. Gee, I hope you guys can get through this tough time! I have a lot of faith in you! All I can say again is WOW! So glad to see you both here! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Another thing I might add, I'm the one in our marriage who works night shift so from my POV, it's very difficult to get motivated to do anything but nap, rest, chill out, relax, lie around like a lump, etc., on my days off... BUT, after filling out the emotional needs questionnaires and discovering my H has a top need for recreational companionship, you better believe I get off my butt to go do stuff with him, whether I'm tired or not! If we don't fill our spouses' needs, we are just begging someone else to! That's how I feel!<p>I'm sure if you'll stick around, you will find the support you need. Take the good and bad (advice) together, sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

Mr. and Mrs. mac1,
I'd like to suggest that you both read the inafunk thread that's still on the first page. It is full of MB advice, and support for both Mr. and Mrs. Funk.<p>Funk Family Fituation<p>zorweb,
I was thinking of letting this slide, but I hate for the reputation of MB, and the "friendships" here to be misunderstood or tainted. I'm not nit-picking, but I believe this detail is kinda important. <p>You said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I was trying to say that everyone has been trying to help except for the one woman who seems to be corresponding inappropriately with her jdmac1. <hr></blockquote><p>From what she says, and from what I remember jd saying, I believe the "one woman" communicating "inappropriately" is NOT from MB.<p>To quote sjmac1:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Well he had been chatting to ya'll after I would go to bed, to were I wouldn't know this. Then he started to chat with this girl that lived not to far from us and when I would walk into the room he would close it down and would not let me see anything. He changed his password to his e-mail after he started getting letters from ya'll because he knew that he was to get e-mail form other women and he does all the time from some of ya'll. <hr></blockquote><p>The whole thing, obviously, is for them to look forward, and agree to be completely honest about everything, and work together.<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith1,<p>re: From what she says, and from what I remember jd saying, I believe the "one woman" communicating "inappropriately" is NOT from MB.<p>Not nitpicking at all... I did not read it that way at all. What I got was that he was communicating "inappropriately" with a woman from MB who lives near them. I can see where that is probably a wrong assumption.<p>So thanks for pointing it out.

Faith1,<p> Thanks for clearing that up. The woman I have been speaking with is not, nor has she ever been, involved with MB.<p> Faith, thanks for posting the funk thread.<p> All, I believe sjmac is preparing a reply to these replies. <p> jd

^^bump^^