JDmac and Mrs. Jdmac,<p>As requested, I will take my comments and put them on a separate post since they are in response to JD's comments. <p>Mrs. JDmac, I am also interested on hearing your input as well. <p>Thanks,
L.

sjmac1, so glad to see you are still lurking and posting. Keep reading, esp. the concepts here. I reallly like what Faith1 & Mr.Bunky have offered. <p>I think you are getting some really good, solid counsel here. I hope you can find out what jdmac1's top 5 Emotional Needs are and begin filling them. That way, another woman doesn't stand a chance--friend or more than a friend--regardless. In marriage, we can't change each other, all we can do is change ourselves, either that or just keep working on what needs to be worked on to improve ourselves. Good luck to you!

In fact I came here ashamed of the feelings I was having toward another woman. Having said that, at present I will not consider giving up this friendship. Which is [b]all it has become. There has never been a PA between myself and this friend. [/b]<p>A PA is not needed for an EA to have occured. The fact that you are unwilling to give up this "friendship" speaks volumes to the level of inappropriate commitment you have with this OW. Basically, you are telling us that your "friendship" with this OW is more important to you than your wife; yet you say you love your wife. One of the above statements is a lie. It is up to you to figure out which one. If your friendship with this OW (and yes, she is a "OW" because you admit to inappropriate feelings toward her at one time - you lusted (sinned in your heart; had an emotional affair) with this person) is more important than your wife's feelings, that you are saying that you care more for the OW than your wife -- hardly an indication of love.<p>I would like to ask that any who wish to reply to anything I have said please start a new thread directly to me.<p>I won't start a new thread just for this response. I assume either you or your wife will read it. I also did not write in the hope of a response. I hope you (or your wife) takes it to heart and makes a change.<p>My wife also told me she would not cut the OM out of her life at one time - they ended back together. When my wife left me, I saught out an old school friend that I had not spoken to in years (female) just so I could converse with someone (I found a note from her from when I was in the army). She lived in another state so I was "safe." I never developed feelings for her but as soon my wife moved back in, that friendship needed to go. I have not spoken to her since as my wife did not desire for me to continue that friendship at the time and I also wanted to invest any emotions and time into my relationship with my wife, and not any female friend.<p>Your reluctance to give up this "OW" is a clear sign that your friendship with her is likely unhealthy to your marriage. Which is more important to you?

I would like to think each and everyone for your replys. This is very hard for me to get on here and talk about all of this but I am doing my best. Like said in an earlyer reply that I'm not much of a talker but I am trying.<p>
Orchid<p>1. Are each of you still having an A (in any way shape or form)?<p>
No I'm not. I haven't had affair sence march 2001<p>2. If no, is your mate aware that it is over?<p>
No. jdmac1 doesn't believe me. He keeps telling me that I am having affairs. It doesn't matter how much I tell him that I'm not he just calls me a lier and doesn't believe me.<p>
3. What steps have you done or given your mate to prove that it is over?<p>
The only thing that I can do is tell him. And take our kids with me when I go somewhere most of the time. <p>4. Is your mate convinced? <p>
No He is not why. It is because I speake to men. Such as my boss and the men that I work with and there is noway shape or form would i have an affiar with one of them.<p>
so with this I don't know what else to do. I fill like I am trying but he keeps tell me that I'm not trying at all.

Hi SJ - it's not easy to give advice here because the 2 stories conflict, even on the facts. But the idea of taking the kids out with you is good. If JD is open to being convinced, then you should focus on not being alone with another man. Talking to guys at work or other public group setting should be okay, unless it's with a previous affair partner. You should also be able to account for your time, and your explanations must hold water if JD checks them out. This is much better than just telling him you're not having an A.<p>JD should not be calling you a liar, unless he can prove it.<p>You also have the right to insist that he drop this other female friend, and that he provide reassurances to you that he's done it. Works both ways.

I don't know if this will be helpful here, but I suspect it might be; in a couple of areas.
1st of all, for talking about and processing the A; and second, for the issue of the A being brought up and used against Mrs. jdmac.<p>My W had a short PA 14 years ago (and is currently involved in an EA which we are trying to work on). Back then, all that we did was force an end to the A and we did not process it, nor really talk about it, nor addressed all the issues around it; why, how do we prevent it, etc. Essentially, we swept it under the rug, we thought it would "blow over".<p>As the years passed, even though I NEVER ONCE brought it up in anger or in any other verbal way, my wife came to feel that I had made her feel "small", "less", "inferior", ever since that A back then. And she's probably right. I did not do it consciously, or to hurt her; it just happened. My feelings of frustration about it came out that way I guess.<p>Well, here we are, 14 (YES FOURTEEN) years later, and she's in the middle of another A. This time a very convoluted EA that came about in large measure BECAUSE of my repressed, subconscious and so very damaging non-verbal expressions of disgust, disdain, whatever you want to call it that made my wife feel "small" and "belittled", and on her side, these non-verbal expressions became a relationship-killer for her. She did not feel that I loved her, or cared for her, or respected her, and she went elsewhere for that.<p>Both of you should pay close attention to this example, because even if it does not exactly parallel your case, it does very clearly show what can happen to your relationship if you allow the A to go un-processed, and if you allow the A to be used against your spouse over and over (mostly because it was not processed so it remains an issue that has not been dealt with.)<p>Please, please; deal with the A, find out why it happened, how, and what to do to prevent another one. Come to terms with it and get over it, or divorce if you must. But PLEASE; do not let it linger and become the poison that my W's old A became for us.<p>You have no idea the enormous regret I have today for having allowed this to poison and damage our love for FOURTEEN YEARS! We may never forgive ourselves for that, and we may never save our M because of it...14 years is a lot of poison...don't let it happen to you. Please!

These posts by the Mac family make me very uncomfortable. It seems they should be in MC instead of "duking" it out here by dueling posts. <p>I remember feeling/reacting this same way with my h while going through our nightmare. Emotions are so raw and the exhaustion of dealing with the rollercoaster is maddening. IMHO, their posting here is not healthy. <p>It seems they're both trying to convince everyone that they're right instead of coming together to repair their marriage. <p>I don't understand why anyone would develop a personal relationship with another through this web site. Isn't that what we're all trying to recover from? I don't think the Harley's would encourage that in the least!

This will be my last post to this group. I may continue to read some of the other forums. But as for this one, I will stay away from it entirely.<p> amhurt,<p> I had stated this fact on another thread some time ago. I will state it here again, as you must have missed it. There is, nor has there ever been, an involvement between myself and ANYONE from this site. Ok? <p> Nor am I debating my wife as you think. I have had a few disagreements with some things other posters have said. Other than that I am not saying anything about what my wife has to say. Even though it may come accross like I am debating or arguing with her.<p> At any rate, I think it best to simply stay away from GQII for awhile. <p> jd

sjdmac,<p>Thanks for your response. It certainly was good to hear from you. I do not ask those questions to hurt but to make you both think. You also do not have to give your responses unless you are comfortable (as best as can be in these situations) doing so. <p>With that said and knowing MB ways, I recommend that you learn how to do a good plan A. As mentioned by another poster, learn your H's top 5 ENs, if that's too easy try for all 10. Then work to meet them. You may be surprised at the results. Like gooding a good meal. (we have to do KFC tonight because I have to go back to work, so don't copy my example ok??? LOL!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) or sharing in an activity together. Charm each other as when you were dating. Sound corny? That's ok. <p>I don't think JD is an 'alien' of any sort, not yet. JD, you know I am joking about that. I wanted you both to smile a little. If you don't I'll call WAT here and use his humor!! LOL! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously Sdjmac, you both need some happy time. I am sure if you both work at it you will find it. If one needs to take an MB break for a while, fine. No feelings hurt. <p>The piece that would make us all happy hear is to hear from good news from the 2 of you. There are a few couples that have posted here in the past and few more whose mates know this site and believe it or not now respect it!!! (My H is one of the later). So you see there is hope. <p>JD can fill you in on my story it lies in the annuals of the JFO thread and like many we all want our spouses to be on the same page with us. I know you do also. <p>Love your children, God and each other. That is what makes a family. <p>take care,

That may be a good idea for a while.<p>sj,
You can come here as if jd is not reading. you can ask us for whatever help you need, and we will try to post to you in support.<p>Eventually, you 2 need to be able to face each others' true feelings and work TOGETHER on a plan for recovery - personal and marital. But for now, this can be a safe place for you to talk, learn, and explore. <p>Does that sound good to you?<p>Please read back over some of the advice on this thread. It contains some basics, and some baby first steps for you to begin healing yourself, and to find out how to survive this.

sjmac1,
Welcome aboard. I have been traveling for 2 weeks, and would have wrote sooner but I was no where near a computer.
I am a WS and have had 4 A's, but it's been 4 yrs ago, oh I guess 5 yrs now. My H SEM and I have been in recovery for a year now.<p>I want you to know that you are not the only WS out there. And lots of people from MB are supportive. <p>You really shoundn't keep your feelings bottled up inside because not only does it bubble inside and blow over but it can lead to resentment.<p>I hope you decide to post more and talk about your feelings. Know that this site is about marital support not bashing. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My prayer's are with you both.