BH,<p>Please take advice from one who has dealt with a Rubber Room Nut Case OW .... bag the RO and go for an Anti Harassment Order. A RO does not offer as severe consequences if violated, whereas an Anti Harassment Order will plant her in jail, without question for 3 days along with a substantial fine if violated. It will also go on her permanent civil record, which if she continues her bahavior, will build a case for a more severe penalty. Her knowing this should detour any further of her antics, hopefully. <p>Please do this even tho you will be moving, BH. Just because you are in a new house that's farther away doesn't mean OW's antics will stop.<p>You have valid grounds for both a RO and a AHO, but in your situation, with OW going off the deep end and being an alcoholic, I'd advise a AHO. To file one requires the identical steps as filing a RO. <p>Please seriously consider my recommendation. <p>One other thing, my H and his first OW fought like you wouldn't believe. I found this all out after the A was completely over. BUT, OW did things like run into my H's car, she bit him in the chest once where he had to go to the ER, he had black eyes, and she pulled out a huge chunk of his hair. I was fabbergasted at all the violence they went thru. <p>Point being, they kept making up after each incident even tho they swore it was over. And "yes" there was alchohol and drugs involved. I want you to know although we normal people (non-fogged) look at OW's behavior as the straw that will end the A and altho your H has touted the same, don't expect to see a true ending just yet. IMVHO, there is still more yet to be hashed out.<p>Please, please protect yourself and the kids. Do what is necessary. Stick to being logical in your decisions regarding OW being a fruitloop, even if your H tries to dissuade you. Remember, at the moment your H still does not have yours and the children's best interest at heart. There have been some major holes poked in this A bubble, but he is still subject to fogville. Don't be surpirsed when you see him drift back into it and start doing things like defending OW's behavior.<p>You have us here for you, we care. And we know how strong you've stayed. <p>God Bless you and those amazing kids of yours, Hon.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

One other thing, BH.<p>It may be time to seriously start considering Plan B. Do give it some thought.<p>Lv,
Jo

Hi everyone! Thanks for the great input. Jo, I never even heard of the AHO. Great advice! I will look into that tomorrow as well. I know what all of you are saying about the possibility of it not being over. I actually warned my kids about that last night. Even though it looks like this is the end, things could very easily turn around. I have learned a lot from this site!! He just told me that she is throwing up and hysterically crying. Oh....how my heart bleeds for her!! So, I can see already how she is pulling him in to her web. His parents are still not home, so I have to tell him he can't stay here tonight. I know I can do it, but I just need to find the right words.<p>Question for all of you....would you go to the school first thing in the morning to warn them about the possibility of her lodging a complaint, or wait to see if she follows through on her threat? <p>Thanks again for all of your support!
BH<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by brokenhearted:
Question for all of you....would you go to the school first thing in the morning to warn them about the possibility of her lodging a complaint, or wait to see if she follows through on her threat<hr></blockquote><p>BH,<p>You are the one with nothing to HIDE, Hon! If it was me, I would be at the school first thing. I'd have my ducks in a row knowing exactly what to tell them. I wouldn't spill my guts telling them anythiing about the A, but I would certainly tell them all about OW's antics the last couple days if it will help them see that any accusations she concocts regarding your son are invalid.<p>They can draw their own conclusions regarding why OW would do such unstable and looney things once you have offered the appropriate info to protect your son. That's the goal here, protecting your son.<p>My concern about telling them about the A is that it will likely be an LB to your H. Yes, yes, yes, he and OW don't deserve your unbelievable restraint in not telling, but what purpose would it serve to share that info with the school system? <p>My guess is the school system may already have a clue, people talk, it's fact, and news, esp gossip type news, spreads ever so fast.<p>And if they don't know, believe me, if they do the math they'll come up with a pretty close explanantion why OW is doing the wacko things she's doing. <p>Best to you!<p>Jo<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks Jo! I will do that. I'll go to the school first thing and let them know what has been happening this weekend and the possibility of what Julie may be accusing Vincent of. then I am going to the court to see about the AHO. I feel like this whole situation is not over and she is probably going to lose it again. I hope the courts will see that too and give me the AHO or RO. My H has been here most of the day helping w/ the packing and actually doing some laundry! Now, I have to tell him he has to stay somewhere else tonight. I am not good at this. But I have to be strong and tell him for the sake of my kids. Even though nothing happened last night, today is a different day. She knows now that he is leaving and I am sure the alcohol will be flowing! Thanks for the advice Jo. This has been the longest weekend of my life! I guess you could say this will be a memorable Memorial Day!!
BH

Hi BH,<p>Checking in on your. Looks like you are doing good. Despite all the garbage that comes with the A, look who ends up with her act together? Shining like a bright star!!! U [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep up the good work. U knew the A would crack, maybe not just the sordid details. But if I ever see the movie on this, I will at least know it IS based on a REAL STORY!!! <p>Hugz,
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by brokenhearted:
I guess you could say this will be a memorable Memorial Day!!<hr></blockquote><p>I'm sorry, that SUX! <p>Once in your new home, you can overshadow this Memorial Day with better ones. <p>About your H staying with you .... It's for the best you tell him to make other arrangements. To OW, you and kids are a target right now and having your H stay there is harboring the BULLSEYE. I believe and fear she will try to harm you and kids in trying to get to him. Not speaking in the physcial sense, but then again, she does drink. <p>Unfortuntely, this is pretty typical of OW that go off the deep end. Keep in mind BH .. when the alcohol flows, all bets are off. No matter what she has said or promised, don't trust any of it.<p>I have been thru two crazy OW. I know from where I speak, unfortuntely. They were immature and had ZERO impulse control ... and they took their hatred of my H out on me. Both of them were very much like your H's OW when it came to the A ending. Just unstable, preditorial and volatile human beings. <p>Take very good care, and pease keep us updated. So many here are rooting for you.<p>Lv,
Jo

Your weekend does go down in the annals of MB as one of the cliffhangers.<p>Ditto Jo's advice on the AHO. Guess you will have to put H up in a motel tonight. I know he will be disappointed, but surely he will understand why. I feel so bad for your kids. They will ALWAYS remember this weekend, always. Julie is one pathetic woman.<p>Brokenhearted, are you still firm on the D? I can see distressed H starting to turn to you for support. It's a little scary, the emotions you are being assailed with right now. A strong Plan B seems in order until the turmoil of the moves, A breakup, and D die down.<p>You are SO LUCKY to have your great kids!!<p>Estes

BH,<p>I think it's a great idea to go to the school and apprise them of the situation so they can be alert to any subsequent problems at school. It seems like she just might be crazy enough to harrass your children at school, too. It's not enough that she has destroyed thier home life. There seems to be no end to the evil from this woman.

Thanks guys. I will go to the high school tomorrow morning and let them know what is going on and then I will go the courthouse to get the AHO. I am nervous about tonight being alone again. My kids are all going out and my H is going to his parents (they are right in town, so at least he will be nearby if I need to call him). Right now I am firm on the D, but who knows what will happen in a few months. I have to go through with the house in Maine. I need to do that for me and my kids. If in the future, we can work things out then I can always sell it. (right now I don't see that happening, but I always keep an open mind!) He is over there right now. Can you believe it...she called here to ask him for a favor!!! She needs to have some copies made and doesn't have any money, so she asked him to make copies at work tomorrow. She just never ceases to amaze me! He has been over there for a little while now, so who knows what she is trying. I just keep telling myself, three more weeks, three more weeks, three more weeks! (its actually 3 1/2 but that was too hard to type!!! LOL!)
Jo, how did you handle your crazy OW? Did you talk to her when she called, or did you just ignore her? I have tried both and neither one seems to work. When I ignore her she just calls back, when I talk to her she makes doesn't make sense. Since you have been in a similar situation, just thought I would pick your brain a little! <p>Thanks everyone,
BH

BH,<p>During this last A when OW #2 was harassing me, my therapist advised me to not participate, to not pick up the phone. To let her spew into my answering machine, which she did with vigor .. again and again and again and again, add nauseum. My therapist's idea was that my intentional non-participation would eventually defuse her harassment.<p>Thing is, it didn't. It made her more angry. In OW's eyes, my H hadn't left me and I was to blame. Each time she called she got more abusive and more vile using the personal info my husband had shared with her. At the time, I was going thru Rad treatments and some topical chemo, which she knew about. I was pretty sick and it was like living in the worse nightmare in HELL. <p>I never talked to her, BH. I never had even seen or met this woman until the day I took her to court. <p>My therapist wanted me to file an AHO early on but because of my H's OC situation, I initally refused. But after a term, I finally agreed to do it. Looking back, I wish I would have done it sooner, when she had first recommended it. <p>After I finally filed the AHO and won, she stopped. <p>You have a basic right as a human being to live in a harassment-free environment. No one has a right to abuse you, and using the law is the correct way to go about addressing this, BH. It's the only appropriate and legal response to OW's harassment to ensure you and the kids will be safe. <p>If ou have any more questions, I'd be happy to answer them. Just ask, Hon.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks for sharing that Jo. I am really nervous about doing this, but I know have to for the safety of my children. I am so sorry you had to deal with that situation too, especially while going through rad and chemo. How horrible! I really appreciate your help through this Jo. I'll let everyone know how things go tomorrow. Your encouragement, along with everyone else, has really been wonderful and has helped me to make the right decision. thanks again!
BH

I wanted to check in.. you have had me worrying, But I have had a crisis myself today and havent been near a computer.
You are doing really well.. I never heard of an AHO but sounds like great advice.
EVERY one here has so much wisdom, I am glad they are able to support you.. but I am always willing to listen. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

BH,<p>It is also harrassment for her to be calling over there on the phone! What hutzpah she has! She recognizes no boundaries, does she?

Hi Mom and Melody,
You are right ML, she has a lot of hutzpa! She doesn't seem to have an end to it. Thanks so much for your concern Mom and ML. I am doing better. She is not going to get the better of me. I have become so much stronger because of all this. She will soon see, she can't push me around, especially when it comes to my kids safety! How dare she! This place is the best and I have learned a lot from so many people on this site, including you Mom! I hope your crisis is over and you are OK. Please let me know if I can help you for a change! <p>BH

so glad to hear your better,<p> I was dealing with an issue with my mother she has alzheimers and sometimes is difficult to deal with. Always have to think about how to approach her with anything of importance. <p>I am excited about your move already and dont even know you lol But know it is going to help you so much.
I am truly sorry you are going through this, I have never had to deal with much other than a few phone calls or seeing her in my car before, that set me off. I was living in another country and he was giving her a ride every day.. wasnt that sweet. I found out and from that day on I got up at 2 in the morning and drove him to post, BY gosh she wasnt getting in my car again. lol
scary how all these post dredge up things you put behind you.. or should i say things you could not change and finally learned to ignore them, turns out they were all still there, I had just never dealt with them.. husband is a firm believer if he gets caught it is over and done move on. Seems so long ago but i remember it like it happened yesterday every detail. But if you asked me what I did at christmas 5 years ago I probably couldnt tell you.
I am glad your children are old enough to see things for what they are I hope they are able to get past some of this pain they are going through at such a difficult time in their lives any way.
Might not hurt for them to have some counceling as well.
I hope your husband will not tell her where you have moved to.. Maybe he will have the good sense to not do anything like that.. We dont alwasy think when our emotions run high. I have never drank.. but I have seen what it can do as my husband used to. They dont realise anything but them selves while this is happening.
Ok no more rambling, Let us know how the AHO stuff goes tomorrow and please follow through with it. VERY important for your children and you.
And keep a cell phone or cordless by your bed at night so it is in easy reach.

Hi BH, I have only one thing to add to the already fantastic advice by Jo.<p>Put your concerns about the safety of your children in writing with the school.<p>I had some concerns at one point that my H's OW would call the school to impersonate me, or try to pick them up - and so I put a letter in writing that my H was having an affair with a woman that might try to approach my kids.<p>The school requested it so they had documentation in their files on my kids, and permission to act for their safety.<p>Later, if you get the AHO - take copies of it to the school. More communication and openess with your home situation is better than less in a situation like this.<p>And file a police report on her break in if you haven't already - and give that to the school also.

Hi Mom,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother's alzheimers. It is so difficult to see our parents going through severe health issues. My Dad passed away three years ago from lung cancer caused by asbestos. It was horrible. So my heart goes out to you. <p>I am excited about my move too, as you can imagine! I packed a lot this weekend. for some strange reason I had the urge to get packed!! LOL!
Thanks for sharing your story mom. It must be hard for you to rehash things. Are you in recovery now? I'll let you know what happens. Thanks again for your concern! It means so much to know people care without even knowing me!
BH

Thanks BR. I never thought of that! I will put it all in writing and I will give them a copy of the AHO. This is so scary. I have no idea what to do once I get to the court. I hope my friend will be able to come with me. I don't know if I can do this alone. If I have to I will. I did call the police but I don't know about filing a report. Is a report filed automatically when they have to come to the house? I will definitely look into that to see. I have a friend who is a police officer, so she will be able to tell me.
Thanks for the advice BR!
BH

My SIL told me how to do the AHO. Here's how it worked for me.<p>First, I contacted the local Sheriff, he and I met at his station (I live in a very small community) and he reviewed all my evidence. He recommended an AHO as opposed to a RO. <p>I then went down to the County Court House and filled out the paper work. I went before the Judge, who had already been contacted and updated by the Sheriff by my request, and the Judge asked me to tell my story, which I did and it was recorded. He granted a temp AHO. OW could not come within 1 mile of me nor contact me in any way for any reason.<p>That very afternoon, OW was served with the temp AHO. We had a court date for 1 week later for both of us to appear in front of the Judge. Someone accused of harassment has a right, by law, to confront their accuser. If OW does not show, you win by default.<p>I was very afraid too BH, but more than that I was fed up with OW feeling like she could do anything to me and I was a Marvin Milktoast to her. I think she felt I was not addressing her harassment because of OC and I would never do anything and she could continue to be abusive.<p>I could not and would not take ANYMORE of her hidious verbal abuse. She had stepped wayyyyy over the line. And she had been warned more than once via my H.<p>In the paper work I filled out I had to give location and physical description of OW so the Sheriff could easily locate and identify her to serve her. My H had told me she was tall and blonde so I had that.<p>The final outcome was an AHO which lasted a year, yet, if the Judge finds there's a compelling reason due to extenuating cirumstances, he will grant one that has no expiration date, IOW, an indefinte time period.<p>It was the single most empowering thing I did thru this whole mess, BH. I gained back so much self esteem, and I felt like I was taking back my power. I felt like I had rights again. <p>I just wished I wouldn't have waited so long. But I was scared, I had never done anything like that before. And I pray I never will have to again. But I know now if things get bad, that the law is there for us to use, stay within it and you can't lose in this situation.<p>You'll be okay, BH. Take a friend with you. Tell people at the court house you have never done this and ask for help. I found the Police Officers and the County Law Enforcement people were very understanding and helpful.<p>Have any more questions???<p>Jo<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>