Well, ta heck with all this waiting .... I say go buy a Stun Gun and ZAP her AZZ next time she shows in your home. Give her sumpin to really cry about.<p>That oughta light up your H down southward in his next personal visit with her. lol<p>Only joking .. well, half way at least.<p>Yikes, hope Uncle Steve Harley isn't reading.

I'll try to fill you all in on what happened today. I went to the district court house (btw I live in Mass. Suffolk county) I was told that I couldn't obtain a r.o. because she was only a neighbor. In order to get an emergency r.o. regarding a neighbor dispute, I would have to go to Superior Court and the best way to do that was through my attorney. they also said that since she is harrassing me with phone calls, I could get some sort of order of harrassment against her, but a court date would take three weeks to get. I'll be gone in 3 1/2 weeks, so why bother! I called my attorney when I got to work and he didn't call me back until almost 3:00! He said basically the same thing the officer at the court told me. He suggested telling my husband to relay to Julie that if she doesn't stop the phone calling or if she dares to step foot on my property again, I will call the police and have her arrested. He told me that at this point in time, that would be the best approach. If I have any problems in the next few days, he asked me to let him know and we will proceed from there w/ Superior Court. <p>Now...with the school. I had a nice long talk w/ the principal and advised him of the possible accusations Julie was going to make against Vincent. He just sat there and shook his head and said I just don't believe this! Is she for real? I felt very secure leaving there that he would not believe her story. then I went to the Court house and my secure feeling disappeared again! <p>In the long run, I think my lawyer has a good idea. Maybe if she is threatened w/ being arrested, she will back off. also, my H was there all night and is there again. so, as long as he is there, she probably won't do anything to me or my kids.<p>H wants OD to go and talk to Julie tonight "to clear the air"....GAG ME!!! I told Val I didn't want her to go there, but she wants to for her Dad's sake. another GAG ME!!! I have lost all respect for this man and I don't think he deserves any breaks from us. Well she is going to think about it and hopefully she will not go over to talk. She did say that she won't go in the house, she will talk in the yard, but that is as far as it will go. three weeks and two days left! Can't wait!
BH

I am sorry today was so hard. But good for you for taking the needed steps to get on with your life. <p> The move will be soon, and while it is unfortunate that your husband is back over there, know in your heart they have nothing, it is a violent relationship if any thing at all and will continue to self destruct. She has shown her personality and it will continue to be bad.
Your daughter is an adult and she will have to make her decision, but you know children love there parents no matter what. EVEN when they are abused they love mommy and daddy. They want and need there love. so you will have to step aside and let her learn as she grows if this is healthy in her life and I think the farther removed from it you are, the more she will learn on her own and pull away from this mess for her own sanity.
So while the system is crazy you can make this work for you and get out of there and regain your sanity and become whole again. I think you need to remove yourself from him completely and let him deal with his mess alone.
God bless I will continue to pray for you.

Your poor daughter is under no obligation to make peace with a despicable woman who is the enemy of her family. For him to ask such a thing is appalling and absolutely out of line. It is beneath contempt. He is basically asking your daughter to condone his affair by deigning to "clear the air" and make peace with the enemy of her family. <p>While it is certainly your daughter's decision, I hope you counsel her against making up to a woman who helped destroy her family and thinks nothing of breaking into her house. This woman is not a friend, but an enemy and she should not be validated.

Well, my daughter is over there right now talking to her. I can't stand it!! My D actually said to me "she doesn't sound drunk or anything, she sounded really NICE!!!" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I have to try to remember that this is someone that she has known for years and not a stranger. But it still makes me so ANGRY after what we went through this weekend, for my own D to say she was NICE! arghhh! I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, but that does. <p>anyway, Let me try to respond to some of the responses today. I'm sorry I am not doing too well tonight. Here goes.
BTDT-Thanks for the link and the alcoholic info. It was very helpful to me. I could relate to a lot of it! Thanks for taking the time for such a detailed response. I really appreciate it!
Liz - How was CA? I hope you had a great time! I know you would have been there if you were around! I can always count on you!
O - I couldn't believe it either! I was so upset when I left there...I felt abandoned. A little dramatic maybe, but I felt like I was so let down. My husband is not here to protect me and now the court couldn't help either! I did what my lawyer suggested and told H to tell her not to call or I would go after her for harrassment and if she dared to step foot on my property again, I would have her arrested. If he tells her is another issue.
Pepper - I think you hit the nail right on the head! There is no way to set boundaries with neighbors unless someone comes out and measures the distance between fences and doors, etc. I just hope the threat will stop her.
Jo - You can always make me laugh!! Thanks Jo, I needed that!
Mom - You are so right! No matter what I say to her at this age, she is going to do what she wants. Thanks for the prayers! I certainly need them!
ML - I tried my best to talk her out of going over there, but she is there right now. She doesn't listen. She is 21 and thinks she nows all and can handle anything thrown her way. Which,in most cases, she can. I don't know why she feels she has to talk to her, maybe she is just curious to see what Julie has to say. <p>I'll let you all know what happens. THANK YOU so much for your concern and your prayers. <p>I am extremely sad tonight. I guess everything has finally caught up w/ me. He is over there too, which makes me even more anxious. I feel like they are going to gang up on my D. This is such torture!!! I feel like I am being such a pain! Thanks for putting up with me!
BH

I think Melody was exactly right -- this woman is an enemy of your family. And I am amazed that your daughter doesn't view her as such. Most kids that age are usually very judgemental.<p>Stay strong BH. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.<p>Does H seem reasonable at all? Isn't he appalled at what he's putting his own children through?

I think we are all forgetting something...
children no matter what age have the need to love and be loved by both parents... even when one parent is grossly wrong. <p> She will have to learn the hard way, she isnt trying to disrespect her mother she is trying to hold onto what little is left of her dad. She wants to be a part of both of them. Unfortunately her father has put her in this bad situation. <p> If you push your decisions on your children, they will react in the oppisite way you want.
She will learn in time.
Look at it this way how many of us keep a ws after many indiscretions? Because we want to keep holding on. Then one day we wake up and say WOW am I dumb... and we are ready to move on.
Dont be mad at your daughter, I know it is frustrating and upsetting, but he is the one who put your children in this mess.
Your daughter although angry is young and doesnt understand all the ramifications of what her dad has done, as she grows she will understand more and more.
Be patient three weeks ! It will be easier to not see this in your face stuff any more.

Hmmm...
I really like Resilient's stun gun idea. Maybe you should get yourself and all of your kids some mace or some pellet guns or something.<p>You would be WELL within your rights to shoot trespassers DOWN if they are inside your home causing a disturbance...<p>Don't lose your sense of security because of this lunatic. She's harmless. She may have no scruples, but I don't see her as a danger to your life. She's just a person with no conscience and who needs a lot of prayer, is all. Gosh, think about how sad of a mom she must be to her poor kids. Wow... So sad. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Don't worry, brokenhearted, you'll get through this. Only 3 weeks until you are outta there! Hooray! Yippee!!! Hang in there, woman!

Lexxy, Mom, BTDT - Val has all but decided to live w/ H and OW when they move. I can't help but feel betrayed, but I won't let her know that. I want her to do what she has to do, but on the other hand, I don't understand her decision. In my head I know that she is trying to please her father, but in my heart I feel so hurt. She talked to H and Julie last night and they talked about her living w/ them. How Julie's kids really wanted to have Val live there too. Gag me. I am trying to keep control of my emotions and try to be Christian, but it is hard. My other two kids are so confused w/ this decision too. Charlene feels very betrayed and Vincent just doesn't understand it all. I have tried to talk them and make them understand that Val is doing this to please Dad and because she feels she has no other choice. She doesn't want to move to Maine and she has no money to get an apartment. This is really hard trying to convince them of something I don't have full conviction on myself. I hope I am doing the right thing. Thanks for responding and thanks for the prayers. I know we need them right now.
BH

BH, <p>Are you saying that after all that mess the house deal with them is back on???? Oh I feel your daughter is setting herself up for another let down but you know, this one you are just going to have to watch from the sidelines. <p>I know as a mom you are hurting but this is probably one you are just going to have to be there for her when the chips fall. <p>Ok, from this end we can keep hoping for another fallout from the nutsy OW right???? You got my vote on this.....major concentration on this right now (Bzzzzzt)!!! LOL! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugz,
L.

Hi Orchid,
Yah, can you believe it? You would think he would have some sense, but I guess his fog is just getting thicker and thicker! I knew this was probably going to happen, them getting back together, but I still don't get it. After what she put us through this weekend, how could he!! I can tell you one thing, my love bank is depleted! My stomach turns when I see him now, and it is not from wanting him. I never thought I would get to this point, but I am there! Sorry for being so negative. Maybe I will get over this feeling, but I think it will take some time. This whole ordeal has done a number on me.
You did get me to smile with the Bzzzt!! Thanks for caring Orchid.
BH

Well BH, <p>I certainly wanted to see you smile. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Smiles work the muscles that keep us from getting wrinkles. Is that a medical fact??? I am not sure but it feels good to thin that way. <p>Nutso or whatever, that is what they are. Their fight will happen again. As the guy on TV says: "I guarantee it!". Oh yea, that was about men's suits but it seems to fit well here! LOL! <p>Keep smilin' BH, you are the sane one here. We all know it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Just a thought that popped into my head while I was sorting laundry.<p>Your daughter might be planning on living with them because she feels confident in her relationship with you, and less so with her father. <p>She knows you will continue to love her unconditionally, and will try and accept her decision, but when it comes to her father she may feel less secure. Kind of like she has to prove her love for him by selecting him. <p>She might feel as if she will get pushed to the side with the "cementing" of her fathers new relationship, and in living with him this might be avoided.<p>We kids do things for strange reasons. Reasons that seem very real and valid to us at the time, but are hard for parents to understand.<p>You and your daughter seem to have a very solid relationship. Focus on that, and try to roll with this the best that you can.<p>I'm kind of drawing on personal experience here, just so you understand I'm not totally pulling this out of my butt. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E

Hi Orchid and Liz,
Thanks so much for making me feel better! <p>Orchid - I know you are right...they are going to fight again and probably again! I guarantee it! LOL<p>Liz - I really needed to hear that! I can't tell you how much better I feel. If I can hold on to that belief, I think I can get through this.
Thanks for helping me understand.<p>Hope I can get some much needed sleep tonight. Haven't gotten much these past few nights!
BH

Well, we all agree your daughter is holding onto her dad for a lot of reasons... She'll just have to find out the hard way that she is not making the right decision. If OW's kids are younger, they probably want her to live there to babysit! Maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How he could go back to OW is maybe because of their drunken madness. There's a scripture in Proverbs exactly about this type of behavior... Proverbs 26:11 says, "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly."<p>I wouldn't be afraid of what they will say to your daughter. I believe she will come back to you, eventually. And THAT will be the time when you must stop yourself from saying I told you so or anything bad about her father because SHE will see it for herself. She'll be the one telling YOU!<p>Her father most likely loves her gobs, but he is not showing a good example to her of how to treat his wife and mother of his kids.<p>After all you have sacrificed for your daughter's well-being and to secure her in your love, she slaps you with this--of course, you feel betrayed. But still, it's very important for you not to speak bad of her father who is acting like a total JERK, and it is also important for you to empathize with her feelings.<p>Just be as supportive of your daughter as possible and treat her like you trust her decisions. Let her know that she is welcome to come back whenever she is ready. You know she's just a kid who is afraid of losing her dad. Teenagers really need both parents. I think that is the toughest time for them. Hang in there! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

BH<p>I have been listening to you on this board since you came here. Look at my sig and I think you'll see why. I have also been praying for you during this turn of events that you have been describing on this thread. <p>One something to think about and be prepared for: When you move and get settled in Maine - I think that is going breathe new life into you - your H's insane world is going to come crashing down on him and he will be on your door step quicker than you can say yankee doodle. Be prepared for that and think about what you will do then. <p>Your move is going to expose the wickedness of his affair. The things you have described in this thread reflect a dysfunctional relationship with the OW that will most certainly end. I think the catalyst to it ending will be your move.<p>Be prepared. Pray, and take care of yourself and your children. <p>Godspeed ... hg

BTDT - Wow, I love that verse from Proverbs! That hits the nail right on the proverbial head!!She does have a lot of reasons for hanging on the her relationship w/ her father and I sense that she doesn't know quite what to do. She is afraid that he will be hurt and resent her not going. whatever she decides it has to be her decision, with no pressure from me or her dad. Unfortunately, he has put pressure on her and now she is sick today w/ migraine and vomiting. A little stress??? Thanks for the support and I know you are right and I pray that she will be all right. <p>pg - Wow, our situations are very similar!! I am so happy to read in your sig line that you and your wife are working things out! My prayers are with you on your road to recovery! I hope you are right that I will have a breath of new life in me when I move. I truly need it! right now, I believe that h and ow will get married as soon as the d's are final. Knowing my H the way I do, he will not live w/ her for long w/o being married. Believe it or not...this goes against his belief system...LOL!!! Thanks for sharing and your support! Good luck in your journey to recovery!
BH

bh
wanted to know how you were this weekend,
Hope things are going well, are you almost packed. I know what this is like, we moved not to long ago.
lots of work. and did you ever know you had so much useless stuff, why did we save that small round thing that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS?
lOTS OF LUCK AND KEEP DOING AS WELL AS YOU ARE

Hi Mom! I am doing OK. Packing is going good. Have done a lot, but there is sooooo much more to do. I realized today that I only have two full weekends left (not counting this one)! That makes me just a little nervous! In less than three weeks, I will begin my new life and I can't wait! When I am finally out of here, I know I will be so much better. I can not believe they are back together and planning to move to his new house. It just makes me so sad to think how much this man has changed. He is a stranger to me. <p>Thanks for posting to check on me. I appreciate it! How are you doing? I hope everything is great with you.
Hugs
BH

My little one is learning to use the potty, a great big deal. I am all excited. Husband AND i ARE GOING AWAY THIS WEKEND FOR SOME FUN and relaxation, that will be nice. <p>I am shocked he went back as well, but you know what.. he doesnt know him self any more either and he is not happy and that is sad. that he is able to do this to his family. You will make a new life for your self and will become happy again, He wont last and unfortunately you may get to the point of no return, he may walk in a year from now and say I love you I miss you take me back.. and you just might say.. I am sorry I have healed and moved on. It will be his loss.
YOU are so brave to have gone through this and I pray the next two weeks go by so fast.
when you move please let us know how you are doing and tell us about your new life.
God bless<p>[ June 02, 2002: Message edited by: mom of five ]</p>