My H (STL) and I both have children from our previous marriages. His children fly from NM to MD to visit her a couple of times a year. <p>We have paid for their mother (his ex-wife of course) to visit the children here about twice a year. When she is here, we pay for a hotel from for her and the children.<p>She left STL for her OM, that is why they are divorced. Ex-wife has been very blatant about interest in spending time with him. She used to send him ‘cute’ email, try to chat with him all the time, and ask him if she could ‘see’ him when he was on business trips. <p>The last couple of trips she made here she was leaving messages and emails for him asking him to have dinner/lunch/breakfast dates with her to discuss things. What ever things are. She kept telling him that he was her best friend. She also had a habit of showing up, unannounced, at our house when she thought I’d be at work. I realized her intent so was here to shock her. When STL is not traveling, he works out of our home.<p>I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. They do have to talk sometimes because of the kids. But he is no longer married to her. There is nothing she needs to talk to him about that she cannot say in front of me. And there is no reason why he should ever be alone with her. It falls into the realm of protecting one’s self from falling into an affair. And, after his affairs, it is also about protecting me from the feelings of insecurity.<p>On a couple of occasions I decided to do the ‘right’ thing. I invited her out to breakfast with us so that we could all talk about the children. I am, after all, their primary mother now as they live with us. She has been an absent mother since 1997. I also offered that she join us, in her own car, on an 8 hour trip to visit one of their children who is in a hospital for long term care. It is reasonable that I should be included in conversations related to the children. During those breakfasts and the trip, she all but sat on his lap. STL felt like he was caught in a catfight. So that was the end of my being reasonable. This is not a catfight, I am his wife and I will be treated with respect. He and I are a team.<p>After that disaster STL and I had some LONG talks. There are some posts here where we brought the discussion to our friends here for input. The outcome was that STL told her that he was not interested in spending time with her. She ceased being his friend when she abandoned him and the children. The children are the only things they have in common now. If she wanted to talk about ‘things’ she was welcome to email him or talk on the phone. If a face-to-face conversation was necessary then she was welcome to come to our home in the evening and we’d all discuss it. Well, since what she really wants to talk about is getting back with him, or at least date him now that she wants to leave OM, she will not do this. She will not step foot in our house.<p>So how would I feel if he stayed at her house to visit the children? How would I feel if I was excluded? I would not tolerate it AT ALL. <p>Why does your husband drive that distance to visit the kids? Why don’t they fly to visit you? And if that is not possible, then why doesn’t he get a hotel room? <p>Why does are you excluded?<p>There is something really wrong with this picture.
