I'm feeling at such a loss right now. Just got home from camping. Took the kids for two nights. Son has been trying to call WH for 2 days and unanswered. He told me he wasn't going out of town. I have a feeling he took OW and went to a friend's cabin for the weekend. I can't beleive that he would take her to be with our friends but...I can't believe he isn't answering his phone...I feel so alone. Tried really hard to have fun camping but couldn't. Wondering about WH and the kids were sad and missing him. I just can't believe he left his kids.
He told me earlier he wanted to talk Monday night. I told him that I didn't. I wish I wouldn't have said that. It's like he wants a weekend with the OW and then he'll talk about us. He didn't want to talk before the weekend.
I know that I need to focus on myself and I can't control what WH does. But this is the first time that I have no idea how to reach him and the first time he has completely blown off his kids.
I've been doing a terrible Plan A. Lovebusters all over. We had progress MOnday and Tuesday and I blew it by terrible conversations. He told me he thought we had been moving in the right direction. Are we back at point zero again?
I just feel terrible.
-CS

Hi sweeetie.. I am right here with you.. I keep trying too. I take kids places where we would of all gone togther and it is never the same... I miss my H so much and I go over and over it... wonderifng why he would abandone me and the kids..
'<p>he says crazy stuff like... it is for the best... you are out of control.. you cannot be in a committed realtionship... you cannot be a good wife.. I had to get away.. etc.<p>Why? WHy would the man I loved do this to me... we went through soem rough times in life.. in general with small kids.. school , work and major illness on my part.. and also major annoyance and lb's on my part.. when My h overworked and under pad attention to me... <p>I have lbed big time. and it puts our relationship in such diar straights compared to what it would be if I was just nice and respectfu l period.. watch thos lb's and also disrespectful juegemendts.. bramble rose has a thread you may have to scroll dwn for.. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married... ?<p>When I give up my self righteousness and m y anger at my h over the cheating and etc... we get along so much better.. but when I hjold on to the anger and wait for him to make things right?/// it does not happen... it just doesn't.... but we get along better.. ignoring stuff.. <p>my h freaks at any talk of his mistakes.. adultery, etc.. drinking issues.. etc.. will not even talk to me about them.. and just totally balmes me for everything wrong... well... i would never of cheated if you met my needs? WHAT? what about meeting mine.. and was cheating an answer?<p>I am at a loss... men. I do not understand the rational... It is like... well wife.. you did not treat me uwonderfully perfect in the face of my mistreatment of you.. therefore.. I will leave and find someone new.. who has no past issues to work out with me.. that is , since I am incapable of working things out.. through pain and hurt.. I just walk and find someone new.. who I can start over with.. it is easier that way, right? who cares that I leave my kids behind and you to be a single mom... it's all your fault anyway for not loving me enought??/ right? even if I scrwed up... yuou should never be hurt of angry , right?<p>go away unless you can ignore everything and pretend we have no problems... I am so sure that sweeping thigns under the rug is the answer.. oh , but I refuse to admit that I am doing that.<p>I am sory, cant sleep for your pain.. I know it... <p>I am taking my son and a friend and my sis. to bball game.. will try to have fun, though I am not sure I am in the mood too/.... Why did I always have fun with my H.. and now that he has become a cheater... it is like he is not the man I knew?
keep taking care of you, it does help... <p>
Honey

Honey-
Yes. I feel that way. I don't get it. Sometimes I feel that if I can be a "good girl" long enough, he'll be back. It doesn't seem right. He tells me that the best thing for me to do right now is continue to move on. I think he believes that he can step back into the marriage whenever he feels like it.
It's just not a good day.
Have a great baseball game! Take a glove.
-CS

What should I do? When he calls tomorrow, act like nothing is wrong? That he can disappear and not be accountable to kids and it is OK? Plan A probably says, Don't say anything or act like it bothered you.
Comments?-CS

bump! Thanks.

Please read other questions above. I have told no before on this board. I want to call his parents and ask if they know where WH is this weekend cuz-the kids have been looking for him for two days. Parents do not know about A.
What do you think?
-CS

Hi CantSleep! I read a couple of your threads last week and our situations are SOOO similar. I know exactly how you feel. I've been posting over on the EN boards, cuz I got used to being over there when I first came to MB, because I believed for so long that my H wasn't having an affair. Which, I found out on May 3rd that he was. If you want to read the thread click here<p>It's so weird, but if you read one of my recent post over there, it's all about how my son has been trying to call my H since friday night. We still cant find him. He is living with his parents and they dont know about his A either. And we had such a good week this week, that I got my hopes up so much, then since Friday nite, they've come crashing down again.<p>I am going to start posting more over here in the infidelity section . Since so many here are experiencing the same situations and emotions. It really does help to talk. <p>I hope you read my thread and we can talk some more.
LR

LR-
I just read your other posts. Yes, lots of similarities (where's spell check?). WH called tonight and left message. Said he didn't realize his phone wasn't on yesterday and tonight he was going to a co-worker's party. The lies continue. He acts like he is 18 again (drinks, etc.)plus I wonder if they go as a couple. I let the phone call go into voicemail because I knew that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. It hurts me so much that he can forget about his kids. He said he hoped we had a great weekend. Is he kidding? I think he did.
I like your name for the troll. I need one for the OW. She is younger, thin (I'm not) and always to go to the next sporting event. Puke. No kids. Makes lots of money. etc. It doesn't help my self-esteem any.
Has your H called yet? My son (8) won't talk about our separation. Said he doesn't think about it. He seems very depressed.
I know that I need to let go of H and focus on myself. I know that. I just can't figure out anything to get excited about it and I continously think about H.
H and I are HS Sweethearts but dated others in college.
Hope you are having a good night. I decided (again) not to call H's parents.

Hi CS~ It's enough to make you go crazy, isn't it? My H's parents always go away every weekend, so my d and I just drove by there to see if H was home and he's not. I really don't know where he's been since Friday after work. It still amazes me that he can go so long and not call and check on us. Before this happened, he was SO over-protective of the kids and I. He spoiled all of us so much. No we don't even get a phone call. I guess it's the FOG.<p>I'm glad at least that the troll is so ugly. It would be harder if she were young and cute. But obviously she has some attraction for him.<p>I read on you other thread that you have lost 30 pounds. That's really good! I have lost a lot of weight too since this began in Jan. It's a helluva diet, isn't it??? I guess that is one teeny-tiny positive thing! But I feel so yucky all the time from not eating or sleeping. I did go work out yesterday and that felt good. A friend and I are going to try and go 3 or 4 times a week now.<p>Plan A is so hard at times, isnt it? Especially when things go so good, it really gets your hopes up. Then they come crashing down again, like this week-end. He spent almost every day with us last week, now this. I know what everyone means about rollercoaster! And the thoughts just will not get out of your head. No matter what I'm doing, even when having fun or going out, they're always there. And the kids are so sad, it kills me. My D just said tonite how much she hates him for this.<p>I just want it to be over.<p>LR

CS-<p>I'm here for a bit if you want to talk, been trying to read your post and do homework at the same time (can you believe that, homework on a Sunday night?) I better finish the homework first though, its due tonight.<p>Anyway, you need a name for the OW, how about "Puke" like you mentioned in one of your replies? Gotta go for a bit, but "I'll be back"

CS-<p>OK, I&#8217;m back, finally got that homework done and emailed off, so I can take it easy for a bit. Read you post, so sorry that you are feeling this way, it really does suck, I know all too well the feelings of loneliness and emptiness, feels like there is a huge part of your heart missing right now, and in a way it is. Just a few things I want to share with you:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He told me he thought we had been moving in the right direction. Are we back at point zero again? He tells me that the best thing for me to do right now is continue to move on. <hr></blockquote><p>Do not let WH tell you if what you are doing is good or bad or what to do. You are the only one who can determine that, its part of Plan A, plain and simple. The WS is going to say anything they can to justify their A, to make you look like the bad person, to keep you on the defensive. But, you cant listen to what they say, they are in the fog. Until the A is over and they express remorse for what they have done and make a commitment to the M, you gotta keep wearing your Teflon suit. Hear what they are saying (because it makes for some great humor threads here) but don&#8217;t take it to heart<p>Try not to worry about what WH is doing or not doing. Who knows, he may have taken some time out to figure out what the hay he is doing. I know its hard, but it can overwhelm you, it did me until I finally realized how unhealthy this is. Obsessing over where he is and what he is doing will only destroy you, don&#8217;t let it happen. We have all gone through this, its &#8216;normal&#8217; in a way, but you will get to a point where you can finally stop worrying about it.<p>You say that you have LB-ed all over the place, is that true, or are you maybe making more out of it than there really is? What kinds of things have you done? I have kept a semi-current journal of things that I have done and things that have happened. It really helps me keep things in perspective and keep track of what works and what doesn&#8217;t.<p>If your kids are showing signs of depression, make sure that they get good help. Most schools have a counselor on staff if that is a direction that you want to go. When you talk to WH again, mention how much pain the kids are in, how depressed they are, how much anger they feel, how much they need him right now, because they do. That&#8217;s not an LB at all, its telling a wayward parent that they need to get their head out of their backside and spend time with their kids, you and H are separated, he is not separated from his kids. By the way, OW is single, money, no kids, think she can handle yours? Doubt it, I know that my oldest D would have put OM in a mental hospital!<p>Take care CS, it&#8217;s a helluva trip, but you have a lot of friends here that will help you get through this!

LR: Yes, I want it to be a year from now because regardless of the outcome I know that I'll be feeling better. It keeps me going. I didn't mean to imply that because my WH's OW is young, etc. it makes it harder. I point it out because he seemed to "pick" someone that amplies my insecurities: weight, stay-at-home mom (for now)vs. career girl, young. Interesting.
Hope you have a good day. I'm taking the kids to the driving range. FOUR!
LRS: I was hoping you were still around! Doing homework, good for you. What are you studying?
I am going to start a journal. I do think it would help. I've been relucant because I tend not to finish them. It would help.
Yes, I did LB all over the place but I guess one or two days isn't so bad.
It's so strange today. I woke up and I don't want to see WH. I think he is coming over to mow. In fact, I have the phone off the hook until the kids and I leave. Right now I feel peaceful and if I see him and remember where's he been all weekend, I get depressed again.
I can only take your word for it that the obsessing goes away. It's terrible.
I reread Tough Love last night and that also helped me refocus.
I have a conference with my son's (8) teacher Wed. to see how he has been. At my other son's conference (6), the teacher said he was withdrawn since we separated. WH was at the conference. He diminishes the effect of his leaving.
For this moment, I am calm and enjoying it.
Thanks for both of your replies.
-CS

Hello. Update from last post. WH said he wanted to talk tonight. He basically told me everything I had down wrong in the marriage. He said he felt like I had finally listened, blah-blah. And he only wanted to talk for a few minutes because it was civil. And next week we should talk again. I said I only wanted to talk if he was going to stop contact with OW and go to counseling. At the rate he suggests, we would be back together, maybe, at our funerals. He said I want everything to happen overnight and he can't do it that way. He ended up leaving. I called him and we took the kids swimming and dinner. During dinner my mom called and told me that I was an idiot to have dinner with him -that gives him the message he can do whatever he wants. It changed my mood.
Had another roe in the parking lot and I left. He basically told me that if I agreed to treat him with respect, he'd agree to stop seeing OW. I left.
He tried calling me 9 times and I didn't pick-up because I've had it for the day. He came over and said he wanted to talk. Please note that WH is not the dramatic kind so I was surprised he came over. He told me all he had wanted was for me to say that I am truly sorry for the way that I treated him. etc. He said he could easily give-up and stop seeing OW and that he loved me. Somehow we ended up fighting, he said it was a mistake to come over and left.
He said he just wanted to build on a five minutes here and there and try to have a civil relationship before we talked about the marriage. He doesn't sound ready for anything or that remorseful about the A-he just wants everything pleasant. Am I missing something?
By making every encounter easy, isn't it sending the wrong message?
He told me that he had asked for time, I didn't give him any. I just keep pushing. Now granted, had I started Plan A immediately, I think things could have been different at this point.
I am so sick of this dance. I move away from him, he moves toward me. I move toward him, he moves away. Does it ever end? How?
So, after all that BS today, it ends with no-one can meet each other's needs and we should proceed forward with D.
I HATE THIS! Is this all fog? I don't think WH has a clue what he wants. Anytime I mention the future (he started conversation) he backs away and says I want to take baby steps. This needs to go slowly. Don't you think that is a cop-out?
I have told him that I was sorry for the way that I treated him. It wasn't very good for awhile, I admit that. I didn't appreciate him at all. It was quite an eye-opener when he left. Of course he said today, I feel like you just want someone here, it doesn't have to be me -that I only care because he's gone but not because I care about him.
Is he completely insecure or have I just been that awful?
Everytime, like this morning, I think I've got it together, I get whamed and feel confused again.
Should I keep plan A'ing?
-CS

CS-<p>I am currently finishing up my MBA, dual degree actually! Its been a long road, but I am finally at the end, a helluva accomplishment if I don't say so myself…..<p>Do start that journal and make it a priority! It may not seem like much, but it will make a difference in a week, in a month, whenever. It will allow you to be able to look back and see what kind of progress you have made. Even if you don't do it everyday, it will help a lot. Even jotting down a few lines will make a difference.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I move away from him, he moves toward me. I move toward him, he moves away.<hr></blockquote> You've got it! That's exactly right, so keep leading the dance, let him follow you, let him be the one to pursue you around the dance floor. Sounds manipulative, maybe it is, but if you do it in a positive framework, nothing wrong with it, IMHO. Don't push, don't make ultimatums, act if everything is fine between the 2 of you. Make yourself unavailable to him, don't answer the phone but return his messages later on. When you are with him, don't talk relationship, divorce, your future or A talk, keep it light and simple, discuss the kids, the house or anything else.<p>CS, I get the feeling that WH is still VERY interested in you. He still calls (9 times after the parking lot incident and then comes by the house?), he went out with you and the kids swimming and dinner. Does this sound like a man who isn't interested? You have just got to play hard to get to make him even more interested. And the whole time you gotta keep on Plan A-ing, improving yourself and making you the best you there is. Sounds impossible, but it isn't, it is just hard, but then again, nothing really worth having comes easy, does it?<p>From your last post, I see WH talking out of both sides of his you know what, yes, that is fog-ese, big time. First he tells you everything that you have done wrong in the M, how you don't appreciate him, wants you to say your sorry. Then, he calls you, says he loves you, knows it would be easy to give up OW, wants to make small steps right now. spends time with you. He is confused, he is feeling guilty (a prelude to remorse), he is afraid and he is trying to put you on the defensive to try and justify the A. To me, typical WS behavior when the A begins to show signs of breaking. Part of Plan A is to avoid those LB's at all cost, especially right now. The more you LB, the better OW looks to WH. Let OW do all the LB-ing from now on, let her be the one to break the Love Bank. Honestly, think she was completely happy with him going out for dinner and swimming with you?<p>From my end, things don't look so bad for you, there is a lot of promise in your M (I'm sure you don't agree with me, but the signs are there) There are some here who have gone through a lot worse (I think I can be included) and have or are finally beginning to see things turning around, so it isn't hopeless. If you haven't read Divorce Remedy, I strongly recommend it. I started it this weekend (tried to read it by the pool, didn't work, way to many 'distractions')and it really has made me think about what I am doing right and wrong. An excellent source of information and it goes hand in hand with MB principals. And, if I may also suggest, buy a copy of Shrek, I watch it whenever I am feeling really down, by far one of the best movies I have ever seen!<p>Hang in there CS, you can and will make it. Please watch out for those kids, they need all the loving that they can get. I know how hard it is and how much the kids suffer because of this. Make you and them your focus now, not WH and OW.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

LHS-
Yipee! I didn't call WH once today. I am quite proud of myself. I saw him when we exchanged kids and he was in a pissy mood. Hopefull OW is being what her name is: a PUKE! (Good idea).
I am going to start the journal tonight. I did get Divorce Remedy from the library and I'm reading it. I am finding it helpful.
Finishing a MBA and working intensely on your marriage at the same time is very impressive. Congrats! You deserve some R&R.
I hope you are right about WH. The LB's of last week are gone - I'm really going to try not to. I find this incredibly challenging but feel encouraged after the weekend (at least there's some feeling left). He gives so many mixed messages and signals, which I know is all part of this crisis.
I feel like today he was backpedaling from the weekend but that's OK.
I am going to concentrate on me and the kids tomorrow.
Thanks for your constant care.I have never before used a format like this or used a chat room. It's amazing how important MB has become to me. It's my check with reality and a place where my family/friends don't say, "Are you nuts? Find someone else." (although I expect that if I am acting stupid someone will let me know)
I hope I am starting to feel calmer because I am getting healthier and not because I think there's alittle hope for my M. I guess time will tell.
Good night all,
-CS

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Glad you are looking at Divorce Remedy. I liked it better than Divorcebusting.<p>You might check out the link on my latest thread. Some good tips.<p>Hugs, (and keep up the GREAT work!)
Cali

Cali: I did read that latest thread. I liked it.<p>I didn't call WH again today! He called and asked if someone else could watch the kids because he wants to go to b-game with company. Guess who else works there? Puke (OW). I found someone to watch the kids and told him I'd see him Friday night to exchange kids. I feel disgusted with him tonight. Like why Do I want to put things together? Everything seems to be on his terms...so next time we talk (about relationship) will be 2 wks from now? He knows that I'm thinking he'll spend his time with Puke at the game and doesn't care enough not to go. Very selfish and very telling about the status of our relationship.
I need to reframe this. I didn't call him. I'm not going to and I'm moving on. If he comes back, I'll decide then what to do.
He's such an a##hole.
-CS

No real news. WH called 2x tonight to tell kids g-night and I let it go into voicemail (kids were in bed by the 2nd one). He was calling from cell phone and said he was still at work and would call tomorrow. BS. And tomorrow is the game. I feel like I'm allowing myself to be taken advantage of...I sit here wondering when and if he is going to end A and he does what he pleases and when it suits him...he'll intiate a conversation about M. I know that I can only control me and I can't worry about OW and A...but I don't think WH will ever make a decision but just keep things where they are at. I regret talking to him this weekend. I feel like I showed my hand and he feels like he holds all the cards.
Frustrated.
-CS

Hi CS. I TOTALLY know how you feel. It seems like we are constantly getting walked all over. I try so hard to be so GOOD, AND SWEET AND LOVING AND CARING....Plan A so perfectly...and I don't know if its doing any good at all. Then H can go days w/out calling, come over when he feels like it, leave 99% of the care of the kids to me, and basically live his own life away from us.<p>But I guess what you have to do is decide if you really do want them back, and go from there. I see small signs from H that he's improving a little bit. Last night while he was here, he was very affectionate. Gave me several REALLY big, long kisses. But then he leaves....so I feel worse than I did before he came over. I keep wondering if I should let him kiss me or not. <p>Isn't it stupid that we have to think about every move?? These are our husbands, fathers of our children, the people we were once closer to than anyone else in the world. And now we have to think about how we should act, what we should or shouldn't say to them. It makes you crazy, doesn't it?!?!<p>I just want to get to the point where I can stop sitting here waiting for him to call, and thinking about him every minute. I want to be happy again. Tonight at my d's chorus concert I almost cried 3 times. Seeing all the other "happy" couples there, him not being there, and mostly because he doesn't seem to care he's missing all this.<p>LR

CS-<p>WH and Puke be damned. Lets get selfish now, lets talk about you! Lets see what CS wants to do to make herself feel better. What are your goals that you want to accomplish during Plan A?<p>Its time to re-focus, put all your energy into yourself, not WH, Puke or the A. I think one of the most important things that you can do is to establish some very firm boundaries and determine how you are going to stick with them and what you are going to do when WH crosses over them. <p>Case in point, WH wants to switch visitation days because of (insert BS excuse here). Your boundary, unless its an absolute emergency, like he is in the ER becasue Puke lopped off his wankey, there will be no swapping of visitation. You are not a convenient babysitter for him, nor is he for you. If he tries this, simply inform him that this is what you agreed to and you have plans, dont elaborate, if he pushes, tell him you are darning your socks that night.<p>I was really bad about not establishing any boundaries with WW early on and it allowed her to walk all over me. That made me feel even worse because I knew she was taking advantage of me. Once I put my foot down and established these boundaries (not controlling, big difference) it really let me regain control of my own emotions and mental health.<p>WH isnt controlling the situation, CS, you are. You are in control of everything you do and how you react to what WH does to you. You lead the dance, you control where it goes and I can guarantee that WH will begin to follow. Hard as it may seem, I know you can do this. <p>One thing that my W has recently commented on is my commitment to her and the M, that even though she thought the M was over, I still stuck around (at a distance for quite a while) and made sure she knew I loved her and wanted us to be together. I know that you are still committed to WH and the M, just give it a little more time and WH will see it as well, if he hasnt already.