There's another can't sleep. It may be confusing. What to do?
Disappointing week overall. Good from the standpoint that I didn't LB or call WS but WS didn't call once this week to say hi like last week. The few times we talked it was all business and I ended all the conversations quickly. Bummer. He is backpedaling. Maybe OW and he had a fight last week and made-up this week.
Who knows? I hate the silence.
-CS

Hi can't sleep and lil red.
Having "been there, done that" I totally understand where you are at! My former (oh I like that!) wayward husband and I have now been in recovery for 18 months, and beleive me, things can and do get better, the images fade, life can be good again. Our marriage is better now than it was pre affair. <p>I remember well the days he would come home, to see the kids, then rush off when he had better "things" to do [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] After a few weeks of it I wised up, and got angry. He came up to visit on a sunday morning after partying saturday and saturday night. He did not ring first, just turned up. I was wild. He thought he could do as he pleased, then turn up when the guilt got the better of him, see the kids then leave and go do his thing again. That morning when he arrived I went out to his car and told him to bugger off. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] (I did not know about mb at this stage).
I told him he could not just drop in whenever he felt like it, that we were not toys to be played with when he felt like it, then discarded. I will never ever forget the look on his face when I told him to go. I don't know who was more suprised either, him, or me by what came out of my mouth! But it worked. I wasn't stopping him seeing the kids, just making sure we weren't somewhere he could stop to fill in time. In our situation I assumed that when he did come to visit it was because he had nothing else to do, and I was not going to be his stop gap. I know this sounds like I am very tuff. I am not, I just plain and simple got angry. Don't know if this is of any use to you, but maybe something to think about. It is not plan A type behavious though, unless done a lot nicer than I did it.<p>A few years ago I heard a saying that has stayed with me. It is : They (wayward spouses) want what they had. They also get what they had.
They meet a woman with no kids, professional, exciting, no committments etc, which basically is what we all were before marriage and children. But.. they get what they had too, because before long there ow want children, quit working etc, and
become, well us.<p>This makes so much sense in my head, and is not coming out the same on paper!! <p>Just really wanted to say too both of you, and
hugs and hang in there!!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Heartsore:
Thanks for reply. Yes, I think you and LRS are right. There does need to be boundaries set. I don't think my WH knows what he wants but it's interesting...what you pointed out is exactly what Puke is: single, professional, no kids, blah-blah. Living in a household of kids is definitely more stressful than WH's current life. What's not to like?
I'm in the mood today where I just don't care what the end result of this nightmere is. I just feel like saying F### it. I'm tired of WH and his distance and games and stupidity. Looking forward to a night alone at Borders and some me time. I spread mulch all afternoon and so I am a satisfied person right now. I love the dirt-guess I can't get the mid-westerner out of me! (Thank goodness)
Happy Weekend.
-CS

Hello. OK, so now I am really thinking WH's small of mood was a fluke last week. When he took the kids tonight, I was getting ready to go out, and WH said, "Have a really good time tonight." He really sounded like he meant it. None of the jealously stuff of last week.
Bummer.
-CS

Hello. Yesterday WS spent most of the day here working on the house. He left for an hour to run errands and came back. Phone call?
When we said goodbye he took my hand and hugged me. He noticed my new shoes and new earrings. That was good. But no mention of relationship or anything. I believe he is still seeing PUKE. It's three month separation this week. Feel like we should have made some progress by now if we are going to start working in that direction. Should I continue not to mention M? Ask him if he is still seeing PUKE? Should I get him a b-present from the kids next week?
For some reason, this three month mark seems significant to me. I feel like I should get the financial papers going again. I have stalled on them but really, I should do them to protect myself and kids. I am also tired of not having someone for me and don't think that I'll be able to do a Plan A for any lengthly period of time.<p>Bye-
-CS

Shameless bump for replies! Thanks.

CS-<p>Do start putting some good boundaries in place for yourself. Boundaries are not meant to control the WS, but to protect the BS from WS's actions. I know your mental and emotional health will greatly improve once you get these boundaries in place (and stick to them).<p>Also get that separation paperwork going, you need to protect you and your kids legally from anything that may happen. This is an extreme situation that requires extreme action. If WH gets angry with this, just remind him that the separation papers are not supposed to 'get back' at the WS (although if they hadn't strayed from the M, they wouldn't be necessary), they are simply designed to protect both parties, WS and BS alike.<p>I too am at the point of saying you-know-what to this whole situation, this just plain ol' sucks. We just need to remind ourselves what our ultimate goal is and what the Apostle Paul tells us about fighting the good fight. I think us BS's sometimes loose sight of that and what Plan A really is all about. Reminder to self: Plan A is all about improving me, not trying to 'win back' the WS, but, if through my Plan A efforts, WS notices the positive changes in me and comes running back, that's great, if not, on to Plan B and let the WS know exactly what they are missing out on.<p>I've been at this point before and have found that taking a giant step backwards really helps. Distance yourself from WS, take a vacation from the A, let WS go for a while so you can recharge your batteries and get into a better frame of mind. I plan on doing exactly that this weekend. Last night when I dropped the kids off at the house, I was in and out in record time, didn't stick around or say more than 10 words to WW. This week I plan on sticking to the visitation agreement to the minute and will not hang around the house any more than necessary. I am also going to buy some new clothes, clean the apt, get caught up on homework and go hiking this weekend.<p>Your doing fine CS. Don't discount some of the positive things WH has done. He told you to have a good time the other night, maybe he really does want you too, not to say its time to move on, but because he recognizes the difficult time you are having. He NOTICED something new about you, maybe it was just a small thing (shoes and earrings), but he did notice! He spent the day at the house (think PUKE was 100% agreeable to that, why would she want to share her man with you?) and gave you a hug. These are all positive signs to me. <p>Don't mention the M, A, PUKE or even your future, its not time yet. Keep doing your Plan A (you have a lot more strength and persistence to do this than you know!) and be pleasant around him, like you seem to be doing. If he comes over again to spend the day at the house to work, seize upon that to spend time with him, not to hammer him about what he has done wrong, but to just be with him, make him feel comfortable around you and remind him what a wonderful woman he is missing out on. PUKE aint got nothing on you!
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

LHS-
Hello. I just read your post and am glad you are more optimistic for this week.
You weren't kidding when you said don't mention M or anything. The time wasn't right. WH stopped over to drop something off and left. I called him and mentioned it was the three month week. I asked if he was still seeing PUKE. Yes, he is. The conversation deterioated (sp)from there. His main comment was that I wanted everything on my time frame and it wasn't going to happen -in three months I've only not mentioned the M for one week. I told him that if had stopped seeing OW, I would have felt more comfortable giving him his space, etc. He said he can't wait until I get into another relationship and realize that he wasn't such a bad guy. He said the only time that he is ever coming over again is to see the kids and not as "goodwill" because he knew that I would call him. What an ego, huh? I said don't fool yourself, you didn't come to see me (and if he did, it would have been nice to know it). I ended up telling him I was glad he left and he said he felt the same way. In an odd way, I feel OK with the outcome. I'm sick of it.
Do I want to be right or be married? I don't want to be married to my husband. Yes, I want to feel right about my life and not waiting for him. He has never said he wants us to work out.
I am so down when this rollercoaster goes down..usually because of my impatience...and I don't parent well. Very detached tonight. It's easier for me emotionally to move on. The few times I've felt that way...I've felt better and more in control. My H is playing mind/control games with me and I'm getting off.
I am going to take this week off MB, put away my relationship books, work on my separation papers and assume the frame of mind that I am going to D my H. In one week, I will reevaluate how I feel about this.
Sunday is my WH's birthday. We have spent the last 18 yrs celebrating his b-day. I've known him since 3rd grade.Hard day for me. I hope he has a shi**y day but I bet he doesn't.
Thanks for everything,have a great week, and I'll reconnect next Monday. I've got to stick to something I've said that I'd do.
-CS

Take care of yourself, CS. I think a week off from all of this will do wonders for your emotional and mental health. Hope to see you soon.

CS - I just read your post. I'm going through some similar stuff too. My thread link is below. I quit Lb'ing all together and it has made such a difference! H is still in the fog as you can see from thread, but as Loveherstill says, we have to take care of us and it's hard when we worry about what H is doing or what he meant when he said whatever, etc. Hang in there and i'll hang in there too!<p>Loveherstill - I'd be interested in getting any feedback from you. You're posts to CS are really inspiring.<p>Llama Hhugs,
Llama