I have some questions and need your advice as i don't want to make any mistakes or "LB" in any way shape or form.<p>My WH has basically "B" me since I discovered his continued contact with "OW" from 4/99 when this all started. For 1 1/2 years my WH led me to believe it was "just us again". Yes I love busted all over by threatening divorce and even bringing "OW" into middle if he allowed it to go that far. I DID NOT KNOW about MB then ok!!!!! I know I goofed!!!!! So BE GENTLE on me as I am already "beating my self up over it".<p>I confronted him 4/14 and he lost job on 4/22 and 4/26/02 informed me that he wasn't going to tell me where he was because he was sick of everyone having their noses stuck in his business (obviously in denial, not wanting to face guilt and in deep fog)?<p>So I am in "B" back. I have made NO EFFORT to find him, call around and I have ceased all e-mail. He wasn't responding to them either.<p>My questions:<p>1) He still has alot of his stuff here from when he originally left in 4/99. What do I do with it? Leave it where and as he left it or pack it, maybe have family or someone come and get it? As long as it's here, it's an excuse to "pop in". So what is the thing to do here? On one hand it's comforting to still have some of him around on the other hand it hurts. ADVICE? What did you all do?<p>2). Right now his truck insurance is past due and he is OD on his checking account. (He always blamed me for money problems, which I never figured out because he would never join our finances. He had his checking cards and etc. and I had my own (seperate). He always told me that he would never do joint because of his first wife screwing him over. I HAVE NOT E-MAILED him about it. (His business huh)?<p>3). I still love him and I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild, restore, heal and thrive in our marriage but I cannot allow or tolerate his double life or "cake-eating" anymore! I really don't want to see him, hear here voice or anything at this point. I am not ready and don't feel I have gained enough knowledge or control of my pain yet, to see him. He still has keys to our home and I enter every morning after work fearing the worse. Even though he has made no contact since cutting me off, his stuff is still here and his mail is still coming here. (PERSONALLY, if the shoe was on the other foot), I'd have ALL my stuff out, whether I cared about it or not, if I didn't want him or the marriage.<p>4). What is a good and safe way to react if he does just "pop in" or knocks on the door? What do I do and how can I lovingly get it across to him that I still love him, believe in us, but I cannot and willnot accept his continued behavior with "OW". My wording may not be real good here, so please understand that I have worked all night.<p>5). I just cannot take anymore hurt and now I'm protecting me. Don't want to do anything to do anymore damage. How do I handle it in a positive, loving way if he starts asking me questions about what I'm doing and etc.? He has done this all along but shares little about himself. Like it's a control thing or something. He has even told me that he wouldn't tolerate this from me nor would I have a second chance. I have been totally faithful and he knows it.<p>HELP?????? ADVICE?????? IDEA's????<p>What did you do if WS was the one that moved out?<p>By the way, I don't even know where he is or if he has another job.

hey hun.<p>Just want to let you know I see you. I gotta run for a few, but I'll be back to see what I can offer.<p>FOr now... here's a BIIGGGGGGG HUUUUUGGGGGGGGG!!!!!<p>Pray, write in a journal, go for a walk....<p>seems slow here today, with it being a holiday and everything.... but hopefully someone else will come by with some help.<p>Hang in there!!

Let me make sure I understand this correctly. He has been gone for almost FOUR YEARS and no longer speaks to you and you are thinking of Plan B? It seems to me that HE has moved on. I am not trying to be negative here, but what makes you think after 4 years, and no contact, that he is open to reconciliation? <p>I should also point out that it is imperative that Plan A be executed BEFORE Plan B. He needs to see your good traits before you move into Plan B. But that is a moot point if he is not there and not in contact with you.

Faith1,<p>Oh "THANK YOU"......a friend here's my plea for help. Having a realllllll........bad day. Can't walk as it's raining again and I did that all night on duty......<p>Have started a prayer journal and reading MB books. Also ordered "Tough Love", "Divorce Remedy", "Torn Asunder" and 2 other's I saw recommended on here I can't even remember titles names right now. I have read so nuch, prayed so hard and been glued to MB, that my head feels as wide as this earth......<p>I really love this man and simply don't want to make ANYMORE STUPID MISTAKES!!!!!!!!!!!<p>YES BRAMBLE I HEARD YOU SISTER.......((((HUGS))))

It was (3 years) last month. <p>Because we have had marital, intimate contact all along, that basically was pretty good under the circumstances for the last 1 1/2 - 2 years. He had started telling me a few months back that he loved me (I sensed he has all along), missed me and only reason we were apart was because of his job. He had become more and more like himself. He left worksite of other woman, closed his apt. down where they had the "A" and moved about 60-80 miles from her, which was about 130-150 from me and our home. <p>He told me (he suprised me by popping in last Oct. and told me that he was sorry for about 2 years ago). Night I found him at her house and had my wedding rings delivered to him by someone at her back door. He came home more and more frequently, would suprise me at all hour's of the day and "just pop in". <p>Be cause it was his voice I heard as soon as I got off duty Valentine's Day (OUR 5th anniversary) and he told me that he loved me. I asked him if he regretted marrying me and he said "NO".<p>He called, would call and have me call him back, i could call him freely, he e-mailed, sending me e-mails that he loved and missed me. We would talk about the future at times, he would ask me about my dreams, fantasies and etc. Because when we made love he would constantly want to know "what I wanted", and I asked him the same. We laughed, joked and it just felt like we were married again but apart 150 miles because of his job.<p>Floored me that he went to her (March 02),I found out through sources in (April), when his truck broke down. I had offered him the use of my new car back in March when he told me he was having problems with it. He laughed, said he appreciated it but no he wasn't going to do that and that he loved me.<p>That's why..........<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: BetrayedAgain ]</p>

Hi, I hear you too! Just wanted you to know... <p>things that have worked for me... writing it all out herer! Journal! taking care of you! do what you like to do... <p>pampering myself... manicures, pedicures, massages... doing fun things with friends or family... taking caer of my home.<p>talking to friends, going to meetings, alanon... codepen. of sex addicts... (not sure if he is.. but it still helpls... it is all about the 12 steps and letting go.)<p>medlodies beaties books... the 12 steps for codependents... codependent n omore... the book the langauge of letting go is excellent... to work on a daily reading...<p>You can do this... NO LB's... <p>just be a peace and let him go to God... and you take care of you.. let him take care of him.<p>Honey

I plan A'd my butt off during the 1 1/2 years - 2 year's, We never had one argument. I was expressing concern over time apart and was afraid that "OW" might manage to work back in because of the vulnerability of our living apart.<p>I dolled me up, house was immaculate and I made improvements to it by myself.....he noticed, I cooked all his favorite meals and focused on him and his needs.....I devoted my full attention to him whenever we were together. i praised him, comlpimented him, supported his new career change and let him know that I admired him and was proud of him. I was only a phone call away when he needed me. You can only be there as much as they let you, you know.........<p>Now, because i found out about her......I'm out. What about that 1 1/2 - 2 years? Out the window?

Honey,<p>I have turned it over to GOD, and I pray all the time as well as read. I am an MK consultant so Lord knows I have the pampering stuff on hand "SMILE". I have accomplished so much on my own during our seperation and he has noticed.<p>Funny, before we seperated in 4/99, he accused me of being the reasons for his financial problems. Well how come (with no financial support from him in 3 years) and just my paycheck now, I have been able to grow my MK business (debt free), make home improvements, keep bills paid up, including getting caught up for bills he left behind and bought a new car? Hmmmmmmm.<p>I have even offered to help him out at imes, if he needed it. I bought him new suit and clothes, books and other things, including, anniversary, birthday and christmases during this seperation.<p>To best UI can tell my Plan A was that 1 1/2 years to 2 years. But since I confronted him about "OW", things are back to way they were in the very beginning 4/99. I wish I'd found MB first, I wouldn't have confronted him. But then he's be cake walking still, right?

By the way. WH has never said that he wanted a divorce, even after I screamed it 4/14/02. I made an apt. to see an attorney 4/30/02 and i told him. He disappeared and broke contact 4 days (4/26) prior to my scheduled apt. I NEVER kept it and I e-mailed him that I hadn't. Told him that I still loved him and wanted us but I would not and could not continue being in a 3-way realtionship.<p>I told him that I still believed in us and our marriage but I could not open my heart up for more pain, dis-respect and lack of protection and caring, until he "chose" us.<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: BetrayedAgain ]</p>

BA,<p>One thought , is why not change the locks on the door, so that he could not just come in & surprise you since that is a concern.<p>Since he essentially left & put you in a psuedo plan b, you could write the plan b letter, tell him about his bills, etc. pack up his stuff and let him know he could make arrangements to pick it up. That way he hears that you want to make this work but can't under the circumstances, you've let him know about his bills, so it's up to him to deal with them.<p>My WH too blamed me for financial problems. He just didn't see how spending money in bars, at liquour stores, on hotels, golf outings, etc. impacted our finances in any way. We work together in a business so it makes it more complicated.

Hi BA,<p>Well IMHO, it is time to share the plan B responsibilities. His reason vs your are vastly different. The treatment however, is basically the same. <p>So step back and see how plan B will help you. Sounds like from a financial view you need to look out for your interests since he does not even watch out for his. <p>U have no idea how much the OW has her claws in him or him in her? what is the pulling factor? Many older woman lure the man with talk of $$$$. The one in our case promised much $$. I didn't see it. She promised him a motorcycle, cash, travel, business venture. She sure was a great talker but not even a dime! In fact we are in greater debt now! H threatened to take OW's $$, I told him go ahead, while you are at it, up the anty to $100k. Might as well go for gold if I was going to be left up the creek without an paddle (aka: H). LOL!!! Seems that was a bunch of hogwash.<p>My point is go to a strict plan B and leave it there. If there are no children involved, it is will be easier. My H accused me of using his money also. Hm.... thought we were in this together? <p>Well he learned out on his own how irresponsibile he really was and I was not the contributing factor! Great. Lesson learned. But the hard way. <p>Sounds like your H is just as stubborn. <p>L.

BA,<p>We seem to have a lot in common, except for the timeline. First of all, WH left. Boom. Just up and left one day in May, 2001. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] He took barely more than a suitcase of clothes. All his (2) suits, shoes, socks and underwear. Pretty much left everything else!! It still sits right where he left it (it's HIS closet, in another bedroom, so it doesn't really bother me - I can't really see it most of the time!)<p>BUT, if his stuff does bother you, you can box it up and either bring it to one of his relatives, or give it away! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My vote is you should change the locks! My WH left me all the keys, so no question there that he definitely wouldn't be coming back. (He hasn't either!)<p>Don't worry, or even think about his finances! If it's separate money, and HIS account, let HIM worry about it. If it will have an impact on your life, then get it separated somehow. Unless his truck ins. is somehow going to impact on YOUR insurance, then ignore that too! <p>He's a big boy. He should have taken care of his own stuff. If he doesn't, well, then he'll have to suffer the consequences, won't he? I have a wonderful Christian friend who keeps reminding me that there are "Natural consequences" for one's sin, and my WH (and yours!) are just going to have to face their "natural consequences" eventually. The more we do for them, the less opportunity God will have to do His WOrk!<p>As far as Plan B, someone once (waaay back last summer), advised me that HE can't Plan B ME!!! HE walked out, that's true, BUT, I decide when to do Plan B. I did. I plan A'ed for 10 months (from a distance - all I could do was letters and an occasional phone call). Then, after Mediation, in which he made it very plain that he's doing ALL he can to get dv'd, I went to a "modified" Plan B. I call it modified b/c I did not send him a Plan B letter. I KNOW he knows I love him, & I want him back. I KNOW he knows he has to leave OW in order for us to get back together, and fix what is broken in our M. I also believe when the time is right, God is going to speak to him, and bring him home. Soooo, there's not much more I can say or do. So I'm in Plan B.<p>The rest is all in God's Hands now. May God Bless you and keep you through all this.

BA;
You've gotten very good advice here from people much more experienced than myself.<p>I do think it's important to think about and set your boundaries more strictly. Those things that worry you, those things you agonize over should be defined and limited by boundaries.<p>It seems to me that some of what you have done in Plan A may be more "trying to please him" than what it really should be; treat him with utmost respect, but set your firm boundaries.<p>Give it time, keep learning, and especially keep the faith!

Hi all.......<p>UPDATE! Still haven't heard anything from WH yet and really don't expect to for awhile. I am not read to see or talk to him at this point in my life anyway.<p>I have changed the locks and made arrangements for his little brother to store WH things when I am done packing.<p>I also sent him an e-mail to let him know and have had no response. I am setting my boundries. I hope WH see's it as stand and boundries and not my just giving up. He may RUN to her but that may be what it takes for them to burn out and for GOD to do his work............<p>[ June 01, 2002: Message edited by: BetrayedAgain ]</p>