Well, so much has been happening... I figure another post might be enlightening for those following my story...<p>Quick recap... shift to Plan B began last Thursday. I told WW that I'd be moving shortly, and almost immediately, she started pursuing me, or at least trying to get me to change my mind.<p>I've held firm, firm, firm. She knows what needs to happen for me to change my mind.<p>On Saturday, we hung out together a lot, but didn't do a lot. Well... she cried a lot.<p>On Sunday, I figured we should get out of the house a bit. So we went to the ocean for a beach hike... it was weird - she was so affectionate, so into calling it our "sourmoon" (vs. honeymoon) because we were separating, but having a great time together. Her words: "Best sourmoon ever!" After that, we went to a fancy restaurant, came home, sat in the hot tub, and ended with a shower together.<p>Another interesting aspect of my transitioning to Plan B as I have been is that I've been able to clarify certain things with her. For example, she asked if we could at least go for dinners after I left. I said "no" and explained why - how it's just too much to expect us to continue like that while there's someone else in the picture. By discussing it, I was able to make sure she really "got it". She wasn't too happy about it, but I held firm in my parental way.<p>On Monday, the morning started with us lounging around in bed. She's been into a lot of holding / affection lately, and it carried over. I'm not exactly sure how it happened myself, but I do know the end result... SF!! First time in nearly 9 months! I recall offering to stop a couple of times, but she was definitely... into it! Nothing was going to be stopping us today... I was "in the zone" I guess.<p>My take on that is despite my intent to move to Plan B, I'm still in Plan A until I get there, so I will meet whatever EN she lets me... and this was the first opportunity for SF in a long time. I do know this now... she's "cheated on" OM... so at very, very least I feel good about that (not to mention the sex - which was pretty quick but rather good for both of us!).<p>Her big thing the past few days is, I think, trying to talk me out of leaving. The sex might have been partly that, partly her walls coming down enough to be vulnerable for it.<p>In any case, I've been holding firm - OM must be gone, or I go.<p>We stopped by my new place today... once again, she said something to the effect "You chose this place because you knew I'd like it!" Well... yeah! The fact I like it is important too. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Basically, she's got to be starting to see the writing on the wall here. She talks at times like there's no hope for us... and then is all friendly and acting like "her old self". I see it as possibly testing my resolve. So my attitude has been to be very, very loving - responding to her affection, initiating my own, lots of admiration, lots of thoughtfulness - basically my best, best, best Plan A ever. At very least, it will leave her with certainly the BEST view of me possible. But I'm also being very tough... she's said several times jokingly, "You suck!" and "You're tough!" So her 4-year-old is pouting... but she knows the score deep down (or not so deep down).<p>I'm off to Dallas this week. Back next weekend, expect to finish moving my stuff, hopefully. Then I can drop into true Plan B... Will be interesting after that...<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Boy is she fighting this hard, J.R. I know this is really hard for you, but you seem to be doing all the right things. You are being loving, doing your Plan A until the last minute, clarifying your reason for Plan B, and letting her know you want things to work out with her BUT that OM must be gone for good. Bravo! <p>I feel a bit sorry for your W, but her choices led her to this point. Strange how WS deny to themselves that there will be serious consequences for their choices. I think she realizes now that your are serious. I wonder what she will be doing next week while you are gone?<p>Take care,
Estes

J.R. hi<p>Don't want to burst your bubble but when you say "I do know this now... she's "cheated on" OM... " I have to add that this seems to be a characteristic of hers.<p>I would not have gone there with the SF. <p>May I suggest that you write down a list of all her wonderful points and re examine why you are fighting this battle. You deserve to win so much that I think it should be someone worthy of you.

re: SF, I have to support J.R.'s decision to go through with it, esp. at this time just prior to Plan B...<p>Isn't the point of Plan A to give the WS something good to remember about the BS?<p>I think the timing was perfect for this, if J.R. can just keep strong and stick to his plan--to eject the OP from their lives forever!!!<p>I think you did good, J.R. I think your WS will have a lot to be thinking about when you are gone. I hope you made it worth your while, too! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hang in there, there is not enough room in your M for another man. Good luck!

dear jr-i am so proud of you. i think you did a great job. i can "hear" the difference in your tone. the whole thing put a big smile on my face. good for you!!!!!! good luck.

Great story... and great job, JR!!!<p>Keep us posted!

Hmmm...my first reaction to you giving in to sex was...oops. But then I got to thinking about it...and what a way to leave her with fond memories, good feelings, wanting more...and GUILT knowing she's 2timing the OM now.<p>I still think you have a long road ahead of you. Instead of giving you promises or a plan for the future...she's testing boundries and trying to seduce you. All fine and good FOR NOW...but the minute you're out...you're in Plan B, right? I'd be willing to bet she'll try to use the SF and whatever else she can conjure up to try to keep in contact with you once you're out.<p>Anyway...have a good trip and good luck with your move!

Good job, J.R. We're gonna be on yer butt to make a textbook Plan B break. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In the meantime, whadaya think about getting a message to OM that he ought to consider getting tested for STDs since you KNOW she's been with another man? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I figure another post might be enlightening for those following my story... <hr></blockquote><p>Yeah, probably in the thousands now. I read for three months before I ever posted. <p>Not only did it give her something good to remember, it gave you something good to hold on to also. Keep up the good work. I hope things work out well for you, and after all you have done, you deserve it. <p>SS

Good work, J.R.--the man of iron will!! Man, I think of the stuff you've been through and still, you're able to take that extra step--and get some SF on the side after such a drought. Wow. <p>I've been lucky...at least my WW has been willing to "cheat" on OM, though the emotional tie remains, which is the real meat of the matter. At least she completed the EN questionnaire (see post regarding her EN for me to put on weight--the things that turn a woman on, and it may not necessarily be a french accent!). <p>Thanks for the inspiration dating back to my JFO post.

Great job JR! What a great way to transition into Plan B! Have a nice trip and good luck on the completion of Plan B. It sounds like you had a much better weekend than I did!
BH

Hi all,<p>First, I do feel like Plan B has now officially started for me. The way she was acting since Thursday (informed of Plan B), I felt like she was thinking "maybe this is the last <insert activity>". That made it frustrating - because is sure doesn't have to be that way, but I have no say.<p>So, here I sit in my hotel room. Before my friend and I are off to supper, allow me to ramble a bit... hate to dwell on the negatives - so I will try to think of the positives. That's what's got to happen more now...<p>First positive... I feel like I've done my best. I don't think anyone is going to fault me with my approach, because for the most part, it's been the MB approach - balanced and the gauranteed promise: I will come out successful. Whether WW feels she's done her best or not depends on how foggy her brain is at any point in time... At one point this weekend, while she was trying desparately to think of reasons for me not to leave, she said something like "I've been trying to hold this marriage together in my own way... and now I've got to do it alone!" WHAT?? PARDON?? That's a classic fog line if I ever heard one. But the way I handled myself, especially the last 2 months... Poise, dignity and grace... I will always know the truth about the way things were and are. She will too someday, but who knows if it'll be too late.<p>Another positive... it's about my M. I so clearly realize right now that I am in the best possible position, as JL has said. If the M works, it will have the potential to be something great, because the right conditions will then exist. If it doesn't work - it's because it isn't meant to work, because it would not have been the M I want - because it would mean that WW has been lost forever in her fog. If that's the case... let OM have her! I CAN do better in that case!<p>>>> I think she realizes now that your are serious. <<<<p>Absolutely. She would make some comment that sounded ominous, or whiny, and I'd keep on packing. She'd push a button, and I'd clarify calmly. I did send her one last e-mail this morning... some logistics related to what I need to do when I get back, moving-wise. I did take the chance for one last pass over the issue at hand: I want the M, but OM must be gone. No matter what spin she wants to put on it ("He LEFT ME!", etc.), I needed to restate the truth again, one last time. But that's it - I promise!<p>>>> I wonder what she will be doing next week while you are gone? <<<<p>Good question. In one moment, she questioned whether she'd have her s*** together by the time I get back!! YEAH RIGHT!! No... she may feel pushed into OM's arms, but so be it. SAA is clear about separation and reality, and it's been so right so far. My only question is how far gone is she? Not a concern per se, just curious. Time will tell.<p>>>> You deserve to win so much that I think it should be someone worthy of you. <<<<p>Fair enough. I do question whether I want the M, especially with no kids. My view is I have nothing better to do today, so I'll wait some in Plan B. But I won't wait 18 months (by the book), that's for sure. My love is low, and tempered by rational thought - a realization that I can love someone else too. I'm still very young.<p>>>> I think the timing was perfect for this, if J.R. can just keep strong and stick to his plan <<<<p>Yeah, that's an interesting variable now - OM. I think they'd been cooling off lately - or at least spending less time together alone. If he suddenly now sees himself with the responsibility of this depressed, needy woman... I don't think he's going to be having a lot of fun. Same with her... she has admitted over and over that she loves me... talking about having unresolved issues!!! And those unresolved issues are likely to come back and bite her in the butt.<p>>>> i can "hear" the difference in your tone <<<<p>It's been a slow process, getting there. I'm not all the way yet. But I'm definitely ready for this, even though it also means starting to let the world know.<p>>>> GUILT knowing she's 2timing the OM now <<<<p>Goes to show how far she's willing to go to get me to stay and thus keep her in her horrible perdicament.<p>>>> but the minute you're out...you're in Plan B, right? <<<<p>Oh yeah, definitely. I'm already there except for the need to do some more moving. She said she might not want to be around for that - too painful. Whatever. She's got to know it's her choices that are bringing this on herself.<p>>>> I'd be willing to bet she'll try to use the SF and whatever else she can conjure up to try to keep in contact with you once you're out. <<<<p>I had doubts she'd react the way she has... but she did. So yes, I have thoughts right now of her happily being rid of me... but I doubt it. Too much love by her. I think she's crazy to think she can just put that aside while off trying to make an honest life with OM - isn't going to fly.<p>>>> We're gonna be on yer butt to make a textbook Plan B break <<<<p>Good! I may not have done a perfect Plan A, but with no kids, I could do a perfect Plan B, theoretically.<p>>>> whadaya think about getting a message to OM that he ought to consider getting tested for STDs since you KNOW she's been with another man? <<<<p>Ha, ha! And it wasn't just slam, bam, thank you mam... there was a lot leading to... plenty of chances for her to stop.<p>I realize a copy of one's plan B letter should go to OM... since I've already talked to him, that may (or may not) be overdoing it. I've got a session with Steve on the 4th to discuss.<p>>>> it gave you something good to hold on to also <<<<p>Yes it did... if we end up apart for good, the last memories will have been good, although tainted. The sad undercurrent was that my steps could have been stopped at any point by her, and we could continue with the good memories.<p>>>> and get some SF on the side after such a drought <<<<p>And what a drought it was - and is... being in Plan B, I have nothing like that to expect any time soon... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Mind you, based on the intensity of the event, plus the glow that resulted after-the-fact, if we do get back together, I expect some serious honeymooning again for quite some time.<p>
One thing that concerns me is my growing resentment... over the fact that I've been pushed to this point. Now, I realize it's not all that uncommon... but for some reason, I'm having a hard time accepting that this was needed. I'm concerned that it'll have a huge impact on how I look at WW forevermore.<p>This past weekend was actually pretty amazing in some ways... since she was allowing it, we were meeting each other's EN's nicely, and there was a very warm feeling (apparently) there. It was like a honeymoon glow in some ways. But... I just don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. It feels today like we'll suddenly never be able to capture that again for some reason. Not sure if I want it with her. I guess it's all normal.

Tomorrow will take care of itself. Just get through today. One day at a time. You'll get there. Take the feelings as they come and stick to your values. Don't let your feelings dictate what you will do. Let your core beliefs guide you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

J.R.:<p>Good luck to you man. You've been doing great so far!<p>Oh yeah... I wanted to chime in and say that I think it was the right thing to do, having SF with her. All part of a good plan A... and, after all, she IS your W, not OMs!<p>Yes, you're in the best position you could be in for doing a perfect plan B. No kids, so no messy logistics planning. I not only have kids, I have a house that's being rebuilt and will take another year to rebuild. And it's not the kind of situation I could easily walk away from, either. So, I couldn't do the textbook plan B if it comes to that (I hope it doesn't).

Yup, that's the tricky part. The fact that even if she decides she wants the marriage and chooses to make changes in order to keep it....you've still got a decision to make as well and things to go through if you DO decide to try again. She doesn't just get the marriage back if she does A, B, and C...she's got the responsibility of helping you through all that you've held in over these very painful months. Anger, resentment, atonement... She can't just "do the right thing" and waltz back in. "Joining you very soon" at your new place isn't very realistic.<p>It isn't impossible. I hope she sees that soon. I think your love will grow rapidly lower if she decides to try to charm her way in, instead of doing the work needed. That would be unfortunate.

JR,<p>So you have proven that no matter which path you choose, you are a survivor. You are doing well. <p>You have found your boundaries of what is acceptable in your life and what is not. Even if it means losing the WS to the fog. I know that feeling and yes it does come with anger and resentment but it will be for a while, temporary thing. <p>Hang tough.<p>L.