I've been thinking about this all weekend. After spending one of the worst weekends ever, and waking up at 4am this morning and crying again, I know I have to DO something, but I don't know what.<p>I think this is my first post on GQII, so for anyone who wants all the details, here's the link to the whole long story:Click here...<p>Basically, after talking to my WH on Friday afternoon, he never contacted us again till yesterday evening. My son, 9, tried to call him on his nextel for 3 days, and he never returned the messages. When H finally called last night, he SAID he lost his phone at work Friday afternoon, just found it Mon. afternoon, and never knew that we might have tried to call him.<p>He SAYS he was working all weekend, and slept at his parents every night. I told him I drove by his parents on Sunday nite at midnight and his truck wasn't there. He SAYS it was in the garage, because both his parents were out of town. I asked him that if he knew he didn't have his phone, did it even cross his mind that he should at some point call from somewhere, to tell me he didn't have it, just in case we needed him??? He said he didnt think about that.<p>So back to my original question....by not "finding" him on Friday or Sat. nite, when my son was crying himself to sleep over his father being gone, am I making it too easy for him to continue his lying, cheating ways? The guy he works with on the weekends, "R", has no idea that H is involved in an affair with OW. They all work at the same place. R is a devoted, religious, family man and H would be very embarrased if he knew. I could have called R's house on either of those nights, and found out if they were really working that late.<p>Also, H's parents, where he is staying now, know nothing about the affair with OW. I didnt call over there, because if his parents were home, I didnt want to wake them up at 11 or 12. From what H says, they were gone anyway, and he SAYS he was there, so I SHOULD have tried calling there. It was HIS fault that our son was so upset, so HE should have known about it. I'm always the one who has to hold him till he falls asleep, and try not to cry myself. <p>So H talks to son last night, says sorry, love you son, and thats supposed to make everything ok. He wants to meet me for lunch today, he'll come over a couple of evenings this week and hang out with the kids and I, I wont say ANYTHING negative or accusing to him because I'm PLAN A'ing, and the pattern will continue. It makes me so miserable. I just don't know what to do anymore.<p>LR

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> am I making it too easy for him to continue his lying, cheating ways? <hr></blockquote><p>My comment to this would be, would he quit cheating if you made it harder or caught him? My answer is, very doubtful. You are already separated, so there's not much you can "hold over him" to help bring him out of the fog.<p>As for your son, bless his heart. It's always the innocent that get hurt the most, isn't it. My comment here would be, do you really expect someone of your H's character (right now) to be a good father?? He's obviously not concerned about being a good husband, a good christian, a good moral man, so even though it's terribly disappointing and hurtful to witness his actions toward his son, it fits right in with his selfish attitudes right now.<p>One other comment: If you are currently separated, what's the big deal about keeping the A such a secret? If it is blatantly on-going, then his co-workers and parents probably suspect it anyway. No where in plan A does it say you have to cover for them. I would imagine it to be a huge LB if you run all over town telling it, but I'll bet those folks you are worried the most about finding out, already suspect the truth.<p>JMHO.

LR;
This is all very recent, and you have only just begun a long journey. As many of us have had to learn (it took me many months just to understand it...) you have to work on yourself now; there is nothing you can really do to change your H or affect what he does and thinks, and how he acts. Only time will perhaps begin to change that, but very little of what you do will affect it.<p>Work on you, work with your son, be the very best that you can be for yourself and for your child...don't waste your energy trying to understand or change your WH...you cannot change him.

LR-
I'm glad you finally got in touch with your WH. My WH said almost the same thing about the no phone weekend. He said he didn't have it with him. Hmnnn. Not very orginal are they?
I hate what you are feeling right now. It is worse than anything I've ever experienced.
Today I am feeling better and we'll see what tomorrow brings. There will be better days ahead for you-really.
I am not in a position to give advice but I do wish that I would have started Plan A'ing sooner than I did (I'm still struggling with it and my anger). The few times that I have done it for more than a day, I see tiny results. I am going to try really hard this week.
I think it is healthy to vent your anger...you need to...but do it here for a few days and see how you feel. Say, "Just for today, I won't LB" and see how you feel.
I'm thinking about you after our weekend chat and wishing a happier day for you tomorrow.
-CS

You are already doing all that you can do, if you're doing a great plan A. Your children are old enough that they will remember what their dad has done b/c of how their feelings have been hurt by HIS actions. All you can do is comfort them. Do NOT appologize for your H to them. That is your H's job. The hurt he is causing them is up to him to deal with, with them.<p>Listen to your kids. Hug them as many times as they need. Make sure they know what's going on (appropriate to their ages and understanding levels of course). Trust in your kids. Let them speak their minds to their dad. Do NOT put any words into their mouths. Keep your venting on here (don't let the kids see it if you can).<p>As far as the phone thing goes... lets hope there aren't any life or death emergencies that you need him for. If you have a (bad?) habit of calling him regularly on the phone, then stop that behaviour. Always remember that you can't control what anyone else says or does. You can only control YOURSELF. The same applies to changing - you are only able to change YOU.<p>Take care,<p>Karen

Thanks for the replies!<p>Jamup~ I think the main reason he wants the A kept secret is because he would be embarrased if people knew. The OW is really older and ugly-my brother and I call her the "troll". And he has been working at the same place for 18 years. All the people there know the kids and I. Most of them are married and have kids too. I KNOW they would NOT approve of what he's doing. And he knows it too.<p>Spacecase~ I am trying hard on the "working on me". I just am having a hard time getting there. I seem to still be dwelling on him all the time. I hope time will help that. I did go to the gym tonight, even though H was here. So I guess that's an improvement. I didnt just sit here wanting to hang on him.<p>CantSleep~ I am feeling a little better today and glad you are too. I had lunch with H today and it went good. And when he came over to see the kids tonight, he was very affectionate to me. But no talk of moving back home, so I try not to get my hopes up. OW is obviously still in the picture, but I dont ask anymore. He just lies anyway, and then we fight, so there's really no point. I tried really hard on my PLAN A today, and it really does seem like he's much more responsive to me when I do it.<p>Topie~ Good advice about the kids. The girls are older and have a LOT of resentment toward their dad now. They will not even speak to him at all when he's here. And I dont tell them they have to!! They're old enough to have their own thoughts on the matter. If you read my thread on EN boards, there's a LOT of reasons that D-16 is really mad at him. And I rarely ever call him! I let my son call when he wants to.<p>Thanks again everyone!<p>LR