I know I'll never ever forget it, but I do need to move on and not let it have a negative affect on our M. <p>We have accomplished so much and things are better than ever, but the triggers are still there and it's affecting our recovery - I also think my H is losing patience. Here's what happened:<p>Last night my H had an evening planned from the book "101 Nights of Grrreat Sex" (It's a fun book, if you don't have it you should get it! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )Anyways, I knew of his plans because he left my instructions for me earlier in the day. <p>When he came home from work he didn't seem himself. He was distracted and not very attentive to me or the kids. Over the course of the evening it bothered me more and more. He wasn't helping put the kids down etc. He was behaving the same as he had during the A. It triggered all the old emotions in me again. <p>Once the kids were down, he realized I was upset and tried to reach out to me. I told him I just needed some time. (I do this not to Lb, but I guess it is a Lb [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ) So, he gets upset and now were both uspet. I eventually talked to him about how I was feeling - triggers etc. He understood but wasn't as empathetic as he usually was. He explained that he was looking forward to our night, but that he wasn't now. He seemed soo defeated. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I tried to be positive about it and suggested we could do it another night. But the damage was done.<p>I don't know what to do. I'm scared and confused. I feel I shouldn't keep these feelings to myself or does there come a time when I should?
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What should have been a great night turned out to be awful. Any advice/comments would be appreciated. Thanks.<p>H&S

Hey Hurt & Sad!<p>((((Hurt & Sad))))<p>I know how you feel. Recovery is very hard at times.<p>As wonderful as my recovered WS has been to me, I do worry a little that she may loose patience with me and my triggers. Lucky for me she understands triggers so she is very sympathetic with me(as I am with her when she gets triggered).<p>I do get scared at times expressing my concerns to her, only because I feel like I may be over-doing it with my needs. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, she can always tell if I'm down. So, we can't help but talk about what's bothering me and so far she's been great. I don't think I've walked away from any serious discussions with her feeling like progress wasn't made.<p>As far as forgetting and getting over triggers... You are right, there's no forgetting. Which in a small way is very good... I will always be actively working on improving our relationship this time because I will always remember what happened when we didn't.<p>Triggers suck... there's no doubt. I hate driving by myself, I'm always looking for XOM's car. And when I see one similar I get myself upset over nothing. BUT many triggers have already faded(I'm getting where I can drink Mountain Dew again [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )... the big ones are becoming smaller and smaller. We're about 5 1/2 months into recovery and I'm very satisfied with our progress.<p>As for you H's down mood. Going by your signature line, he ended contact in March and recovery started in April. I would guess that he's going through withdrawal. Which also sucks. You have try to be patient and understanding for him. We were in a false recovery right after she ended R with XOM... it lasted a month then she was out the door. 3 months later, when the withdrawal had ended completely we gave it another shot. Even if your H feels like he's really finished with her(and hopefully he is), even if he knows he loves you and wants to spend every second of every day with you, he will still feel withdrawal. There's no helping that, but it will fade. My recovered WS lets me know that she never thinks about him at all anymore. And as time passes she sees him in a worse and worse light. She does get triggered by seeing his type of car, but only because she knows it triggers me and she feels bad about that.<p>Anyway, this is just my experience with recovery, just wanted to add my 2 cents. <p>Good luck! Hang in there!<p>TTFN - JB

H&S:<p>I might suggest the following thread about forgiveness:<p>lets talk about forgiveness

IMHO:<p>If you are getting triggered into old feelings, is it possible that you still have not totally forgiven him? If you have truly forgiven him, would you be judging him based on the past? Is your subconsious revealing to you that you have not fully forgiven him?<p>I am still not sure of this myself. I have forgiven my WW, but I too am plagued with things that trigger old feelings. Maybe our idea that forgiveness occurs at a single event is not correct. Maybe forgivness is a continuing process until the memory fades enough that we no longer are plagued by the past.<p>I think that it is very difficult to be like God in our forgiveness, especially when someone has hurt us so much. I think we do the best we can and we need to be close to God to realize the forgiveness.<p>Do not ever feel bad for your feelings. You have earned your right to feel like you do. Stick to your guns and do not apologize ever for your feelings. It is important that he understands that your feelings are very important. It is counterproductive for recovery to bury your feelings. I believe that if a spouse continues to burry their feelings, their relationship will fail. You were correct in sharing your feelings with him. Only when we are in Plan A do we disquise our feelings until we gain strength to not have to mask them anymore. I believe your H was mainly upset because he did not get sex. Unfortunately, a guy operates this way especially since he was already in a bad mood.<p>Remember that a man forgives and forgets much quicker than a women. My WW will bring up things from years ago, most of them I do not even remember. Do not read into this too much and stick to your guns. <p>I have just finished the book "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom", and it was very enlightening. Part of what the philosophy of the book would bring on a situation like this is that you and your spouse must realize that a women must feel needed and emotionally attached to have sex and there should be agreement that plans can be cancelled at any time. I would encourage that both of you read this book, it has made a big difference in my understanding of sex and the importance of coming up with agreements to protect each other from destroying good sex in the marriage. Maybe an agreement you can make with him, (give it a few days to cool down first), is that if he is in a bad mood, all plans are cancelled. Then if you do decide to give him sex and he is in a bad mood, he will feel great because he did not expect it.

Hi jb,<p>Thank you for your reply. (You must have noticed the 0 [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I knew it would be hard, but I thought the hardest part was over with, and that things would sort of fall into place, as long as we kept working at it and following Harley's concepts. I guess they are falling into place, I just need to give it some more time.<p>I never thought that he might still be in withdrawal. From his actions and words, I didn't think he was, but I will talk to him about it.<p>It helps to know that what's happening is "normal" and that it will get better. Thanks.<p>H&S<p>P.S. It's great that you are remarrying. Your children must be estatic!

I agree that you shouldn't need to apologize for your feelings. Sometimes it is the way we express them that makes the difference. I'm trying to express mine in a non-threatening or blaming way.
Your H sounds a little like mine in how his mood shifted. Mine is still in an EA.
I have found that direct honesty has worked wonders for me.

One more thing... I read that forgiveness is a process that occurs over time. I do believe that.

Hi Spacecase,<p>I actually read that post and replied to it. Perhaps you could check it out and get back to me. <p>I have read quite a few of your posts and they have been very helpful. Any insight you can offer me would be great. Thanks.<p>H&S

So that you don't feel so alone, read this. It was also supposed to be a pleasent evening!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Remember, we all make mistakes, just don't be so hard on yourself.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=010154 <p>hugs
BB
I hope this works, I don't know if I've done it right so that so that you can read my thread.

Hey H&S<p>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hurt & Sad:
<strong>Thank you for your reply. (You must have noticed the 0 [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )</strong><p>Your welcome and yes I did notice the 0 [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p><strong>I never thought that he might still be in withdrawal. From his actions and words, I didn't think he was, but I will talk to him about it.</strong><p>It could be withdrawal, it's just a guess. I remember a few months ago a thread asking about how long withdrawal takes and when a "true" recovery begins. And for the most part the majority of people in recovery gave the same time frame... about 4 months after the relationship had "really" ended. And that is exactly the time it took before her fog had cleared and she wanted to resurrect our relationship. Of course I've read of WS's having withdrawal for much longer... guess it just depends.<p><strong>It helps to know that what's happening is "normal" and that it will get better. Thanks.</strong><p>I certainly think that what you are feeling is normal. It took me a month or 2 to feel secure that this wasn't a short term recovery. It took a lot of work on her part to convince me(and for that I am very grateful, I don't think I had enough in me to persue her).<p><strong>P.S. It's great that you are remarrying. Your children must be estatic!</strong><p>Thank you so much! Yep, the kids are excited that they get to see mommy and daddy get married. Since it's the end of the school year our daughter (7 3/4) brought home a bunch of papers/art from school the other day. One of her papers was from the Rainbow program I have her in at her school. It's for children of divorced parents. Anyway she was suppose to write down what her biggest wish is, and it was "For mommy and daddy to get re-married" It was too sweet, STBW and I were both going through her papers when I ran across that one. Needless to say both of our hearts melted.<p>Good luck!!!

dreamland,<p>I really do feel that I have forgiven him, but maybe I'm wrong. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't want to completely forget, because like jb said, it keeps us working on our M. But I don't want the triggers to negatively affect our recovery.<p>I agree with you about not burying my feelings. I did that after D-day #1 and that contriubted to D-day #2. After D-day #2 I found MB and we have been following Harley's concepts and are moving foward - the right way this time. I just wonder if there's a point in time I should deal with somethings on my own?<p>It's funny you mention that book. It's one I want and is on my wish list. Thanks for your help.<p>H&S

Hi Maezy,<p>Thank you for your reply. I have worked very hard in expressing myself properly, as you say, in a non-threatening or blaming way. I have also made myself "safe" for my H to open up to me. This has helped us out alot. <p>My H explained his bad mood due to stress at work and I believe him. He's always had a problem with letting go of work problems. We've disscussed this alot and it's something he realizes he needs to stop and he's working on it. Maybe he needs to work on this a little harder or maybe switch jobs like we discussed? We'll see what happens.<p>H&S

Hi blondblossom,<p>Yes, it worked - I was able to read your post. <p>I remember going through that with my H. He just didn't "get it" and I remember how frustrating that was. I could just imagine his reaction if I were to rip his shirt off. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] That's just soo funny! I guess I should be thankful I'm no longer dealing with that, eh.<p>Thanks, you've cheered me up. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>H&S<p>P.S. I've read many of your posts and I think you're just awesome! I'm glad your H now "gets it" - it feels so much better doesn't it!<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Hurt & Sad ]</p>

JB,<p>Thanks again. BTW what does TTFN mean?<p>H&S

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurt & Sad:
<strong>JB,<p>Thanks again. BTW what does TTFN mean?<p>H&S</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You have kids and you don't know what TTFN means?!? It's from Winnie the Pooh. Whenever Tigger leaves he says "TTFN... Ta-Ta-For-Now" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</p>

JB,<p>I wish we could watch Winnie the Pooh! First it was Pokemon, then Digimon, and now Yu-Gi-Uh! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>H&S

LOL!!! Both of mine love Pokemon. Thankfully they're not into Digimon, and I've never heard of "Yu-Gi-Uh" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pooh was my D's first love.