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Joined: Apr 2002
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Hope4future,<p>Read thru the posts again, there were some posts that were judgmental and doing nothing but yell. I can understand how having a WS post here strikes a nerve in some BS's. Every time a WS posts here, many seem to jump on the bandwagon and start throwing punches. These posts do not help!<p> Judgmental?? EXCUUUUSE ME? Dreamland...dude...this man is no different than the one who SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE.<p>You are right. IMHO: He is no different then the OM, but in God's eyes, I am no different from the OM either. We are all sinners, and I have lusted after other women before. I may not have touched them emotionally or physically, but I too have sinned. I am no better than my wife, no better than the OM and no better than anyone else. I have my own vices I deal with. It just does not happen to be infidelity.<p>And you think that those who are pouring out their hearts and souls to him to try to get him to see the light are being JUDGMENTAL?<p>I am sorry if you are offended. I posted here as well and of course that does not make me JUDGEMENTAL. You can tell by the posts who is being judgmental.<p>His marriage stood a chance once upon a time...but he's sealed its doom by his expectations from his wife.<p>This comment is an unfair judgment, and I am surprised that you posted this!! His marriage does still have a chance. He is posting here because he is trying to change. It is a seed being watered and nurtured and will may begin to grow and maybe bear fruit. This all takes alot of time and effort. "Ready to go" is not ready to go!! He needs positive influence not unfair judgements. All we know about this person is from posts. We cannot know his heart.<p>Meanwhile he's sleeping with your wife because she makes him feel all better even though she won't leave you. Oh wait...he isn't the one sleeping with your wife? You think it makes any difference?<p>If you intended to hurt me by this comment, you were wrong. I feel very sorry for you that you are angry. Would you care to share why you are angry? Do you have some harbor some guilt still?<p>I hope you do not resent me for my comments. You have really helped me in the past and I appreciate it.<p>Thanks

Joined: Jul 2001
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DITTO (Just Learning)<p>Has your W had an affair you don't know about?<p>I truly believe that you are either married or you are not. There is no in between. Only chaos there.<p>Step back into reality. If you do leave, don't use the OW or your W as an excuse. LOOK AT YOURSELF.<p>Tell your W sweetie. You do owe her atleast a FULL explanation why you don't love her anymore.<p>It seems you won't quit until you jump into the fire. When reality burns you in the a$$, you'll jump out.<p>Oh! Born again christian, hunh? They call someone like you a heathan. Don't bring God into this. Only you are to blame for your actions. <p>YOU ARE MARRIED OR YOU ARE NOT. 2 words: Radical Honesty <p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

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((RTG))) move out and watch her all of a sudden Plan Aing you...LOL... been lurking for so long I have seen it happen many times... but what do you really want?????????????????

Joined: May 2002
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Mr. Bunky<p>The reason I dont tell my W about OW is due to the advice I heard from a couple of radio counselors and one of the counselors I went to, he was a pastor and a licensed counselor. All of them advocate that there is nothing to gain by the BS knowing....I do have to admit that some of the advice here has made me at least consider telling her. But I am still very short of doing that.<p>Hope4...<p>Please go easy on Dreamland. He has said alot of what many others have said to me. But its been done in a very polite way. Even though this is in text...and not verbal...its still very easy to hear the sarcasim and what appears to be hatefulness in some of the posts. Even though I am sure it is all done with good intentions. If you would read his posts you would realize that he is having a very difficult time right now. I think the last thing he needs is someone coming at him with a bad attitude.

Joined: Mar 2002
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The reason I dont tell my W about OW is due to the advice I heard from a couple of radio counselors and one of the counselors I went to, he was a pastor and a licensed counselor. All of them advocate that there is nothing to gain by the BS knowing....I do have to admit that some of the advice here has made me at least consider telling her. But I am still very short of doing that.<p>Every book I have read advises honesty. Only one After the Affair, covers the posibility of not telling, and it goes into detail about what you risk and give up by keeping it secret.<p>I find it rather disturbing that a pastor and licensed counselor would advocate sin. Please know that your dishonesty is a lie of omission. That pastor and all of those counselors are advising you that you continue to sin - for no other reason than you have nothing to gain by not sinning. I hope I don't have to explain how spiritually ignorant of a position that is. Using that rationale, "There is nothing to gain by the BS knowing," you can justify tons of sin. One could rationalize incest, rape, murder, abuse, past sexual desease, etc. You could rationalize, "my wife does not need to know that I had sex with with men and once had a sexual desease" or "there is nothing for my wife to gain by knowing that I once had sex with a minor and was convicted."<p>Can you see just how far you could rationalize "measured honesty?" If you don't have full honesty, you have dishonesty. No loving relationship can be built on deceit. Would you lie to God? Do you think you could have a relationship with God if you lied to him and refused to admit you sinned? I don't know your specific faith but I can only assume that one of the requirements of going to heaven is admission of your sinful nature. Such is necessary for a relationship with Christ. I hope you are starting to see that such is necessary for a relationship with your wife.<p>If it is a sin to lie, it is certainly a sin to continue to lie by omission. I would question to teachings of any person of faith that would advocate dishonesty as a means to a healthy relationship.

Joined: Feb 2002
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OMG and a HUGE EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME again?!?!<p>Now I'm being hard on dreamland??? I offered advice and sympathy to him on his thread...just because I don't agree with his sympathy of YOU on THIS thread doesn't make me angry or bitter or anything else. This thread is FULL of good advice...sarcasm maybe, but considering what most people are dealing with in their own lives is it not to be expected? And I guess after reading 5 pages of good advice the meanies were lost in there somewhere...because I missed it.<p>I marched on to a message board dropping the same load of #*$% you are here...go figure I didn't get any pats on the back either. I did the SAME THING you are getting ready to do...walked out. Sure didn't go very far in FIXING what was wrong with ME. And as far as being the "last person on earth" to be involved....that's one of the top 10 most commonly said things by a wayward spouse.<p>You can roll your eyes and pishposh what's said here all you want...it's only advice from people who have heard or said or thought or done everything you're saying, thinking and doing right now. Obviously a radio talk show person can give much better advice than people who have been there and learned the hard way.

Joined: Sep 2001
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Since I've already bared my heart and soul and some important things I've learned on this descent into hell called infidelity, I'll just end with the wisdom of Will Rogers:<p>There are three kinds of men:<p>1. The ones that learn by reading.
2. The few who learn by observation.
3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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