It's been a while since I've posted in here but I find I need to vent. My WH left to live with his OW over 15 months ago now. He has since left her but we are still separated and on again off again . I'm getting really tired of the whole thing. I am trying to just be his friend for now and take some of the pressure off what we are going through. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I got angry yesterday and let him know my feelings about his waywardness. Today he is very standoffish and cold. Does this mean I have to always stifle my feelings?? Why do I always have to be the cheerful and optomistic one??
I will not let him drag me down! If something has made him mad he needs to be able to tell me that and not suppress it forever like he did for the last 27 years.
How can you get a man to start communicating his feelings when he has never done it before?
I will not chase after him like I always did before and ask him what's wrong because that needs to be his responsibility. I'm so tired of trying.
He says counselling won't help him. He won't give up his friendship (I do believe it's an EA now) with her and now doesn't know what he wants!!!!
I've decided to build my own life-gradually fade him out of the picture. If he wants to make changes then I'll reconsider.
I went to plan B 3X before with temporary results. If I gradually fade him out I'll be taking care of my own needs and establishing a new life and if he happens to come around then great, if not, then I'll be fine.
I signed up for golf lessons yesterday!

Sweety, gradually fading him out sounds like weaning yourself away. If you were really the strong, independant woman you wish you be, there'd be no need of weaning.<p>You and your H have some sort of cycle going on...that will only be broken if the way you interract and deal with each other changes. ONE person can change and it changes the entire cycle. The cycle CAN'T continue when one person is no longer playing their role.<p>Have you read Passionate Marriage? It's EXTREMELY enlightening!

Hope4future
I know you are right. I am telling myself that by not running after him to ask him why he's angry is changing the game. It puts the responsibility on him.
Thanks for the book suggestion. Is it about games people play??

In a way. It's about how we get into the cycles we do in all our relationships. It's really an eye opener. I will say it's a little hard to get through, but the examples they give help get the points through.

MAEZY...<p>If you check our profiles you'll notice that we got here within ten days of each other so I am on the same timeline as you.<p>Tiring ain't it?<p>I am sure I have been thru all the ups and downs you have been. Except my WW never left to live w/OM, we have gone thru a separation, false recovery and now are in our second five-month separation.<p>Let me give you some of my answers to your questions.<p>MAEZY: Does this mean I have to always stifle my feelings?? <p>Elad: Nope. While I tried this too for a while, I found out that there's no point it. You feel the way you feel...if they don't like it--too bad.<p>M: Why do I always have to be the cheerful and optomistic one??<p>E: Again, you don't. I found that I can be cheerful and optimistic when I feel like it and not when I don't. My optimisim these days is focussed on me and that whatever happens I will be OK.<p>M: He says counselling won't help him. <p>E: He knows this, how? If you can, try to get him to a counsellor--even on his own. It can really be helpful.<p>M: How can you get a man to start communicating his feelings when he has never done it before? <p>E: This is a toughie. Us guys are hard to figure sometimes--OK, lots of times--all you can do here is try. I know you have tried, but perhaps a counselor could help YOU figure this one out.<p>M: I will not chase after him like I always did before and ask him what's wrong because that needs to be his responsibility. I'm so tired of trying. <p>E: Just leaving him alone to try and figure out what is wrong with HIM might be helpful. I sure hear you on the trying stuff [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>M: I've decided to build my own life-gradually fade him out of the picture. If he wants to make changes then I'll reconsider.<p>E: I personally don't see what is wrong with this. I know it is not classic Harley plan B, but that's just not doable for all of us. If you have been in plan B 3x and that hasn't worked then do this if this is working for YOU. I know there are people here who won't agree with that, but if it helps YOU to "wean" yourself from him and that works for YOU, I won't argue with it. <p>M: I signed up for golf lessons yesterday! <p>E: Good for you!!!! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Having been at this for the same amount of time (and not giving up) I know how tiring this can be. Hold your head up and be the best MAEZY you can be. That's all anyone can ask of you.<p>You're doing fine girl... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck <p>E

Hi Maezy- I"ve been WONDERING how you've been doing!!! Does your H still believe he can be 'friends' with OW without the sexual component? My H did until he finally was convinced by a counselor that this just wasn't possible. How long has your H been out of the PA part with OW? A long withdrawal period could be entirely normal. I know it took my H about 6 mo past end of ALL contact for him to really start to want to emotionally connect with me again. Would your H be willing to see a counselor either with you or by himself? Has he read the Harley SAA book? It details emotional withdrawal really well. Do you think this was your H's first A? If so he may have had to severely compartmentalize his feelings between his life with OW and his life with you in order to maintain two lives psychologically. This can take a long time to work thru. Take care- lifeismessy PS Golf lessons sound GREAT!

Elad
How nice of you to reply with your good thoughts. I remember your posts from way back when. How are things right now for you? Let's keep the faith and maybe we'll both have a happy reconsiliation in the end. If not, I agree with you, we'll be OK in the end either way.<p>lifeismessy
So nice to see you're still around.
Yes, my H still thinks he can be friends with her and not be sexually involved. I am not really worried too much about this because he says she doesn't do much for him that way and never did (I can tell he's being honest on this one) but the thought of him sitting and talking with her and pouring his heart out to her is what bothers me now.
He's been out of his PA for about 3 months now. I can see gradual improvement but it is so frustrating when there is a setback. The biggest setback seems to be his emotions and when he gets in his moods not knowing what he wants. I think I'll suggest Harleys book, especially the part about withdrawl. He does not want to go to counselling but did say he'd read help books with me. I went out and bought Passionate Marriage suggested by hope4future yesterday. I can see it has alot of helpful info in it.
As far as I know, this is H's first A.
I can't help but wonder why us nice people end up with such damaged spouses.<p>How's things in your marriage now?

I just wanted to add something to my update:<p>When my WH moved back home the beginning of March, he stayed a week and a half and then moved out again. He rented a dirty little room in some strangers condo for awhile.<p>I kept feeling like I, and the house, represented some kind of burden to him. I was so fed up with it that I decided to do something I've always wanted to do. I moved to the country. He could no longer just stop by and see me-his obligation, whenever he wanted. I live about 20 minutes out of the city.<p>My H moved back into our house and I remain in the country for now. He says he wants me to move back eventually. This move has changed the dynamics of our relationship-for the better, I think. It is financially a struggle for me but it's been worth it.