I have been doing a good planA for the past few months (after two months of doing no plan or a bad plan or just plain love busting as a profession), but felt really pushed last night and probably did my absolute worst lovebusting. Ugh.<p>My WH has been coming in and out of the fog. Some days remorseful; some days just uncommunicative. We are separated and have been since D-Day. <p>After a weekend of focusing on the yard and running in my first ever 10K, my WH calls and says that he has invited mutual friends from out of town to our house for dinner. It's last minute and I am exhausted from the 10K, but am generally ok with the idea/cleaning the house if my WH will go pick up the food we need at the grocery store on the way over. He invites these folks for 6 p.m. and says he is leaving to go to the gym for a bit before he comes over (It's about 4:30 and it takes at least a half an hour to get to my house or the gym).<p>While I am cleaning the house, I find the flyer for the gym stating that the gym closes at 5:00 p.m.<p>He shows up at 5:55 p.m. with the food. People are arriving in five minutes. I cheerfully ask "how was the gym" and he says ok. I'm thinking at this point that there is no way he went to the gym, but don't want to engage in that right before people come over.<p>During the dinner, my WH watches the hockey game. A bit rude, but it's the playoffs and I guess this was understood when he invited them. But, after the game was over, he was still in the living room watching something else while I was entertaining these people in the backyard. <p>After dinner, I tell him that I need to ask him something. I pulled out the flyer and said that it was a little hard to believe that the reason he was late was due to a trip to the gym. He BLEW UP and was yelling at me to stop interfering in this life. I apologized if it seemed that way, but the trust issue was still there. I KNOW I should not have raise this as it would for sure be a LB, but I was tired, cranky, and appalled at his behavior that evening.<p>He then launched into a pity party for himself saying he had to quit his job (his A was/maybe is with a co-worker) because his staff had betrayed him and told an outside consultant and senior management that he was having an A. I calmly said that was an interesting way to look at the situation as the employees probably felt he had betrayed them by having an A. He went on and on about how bad his life was as a result of this (not the A mind you, but the fact that his staff knows about it and has raised it with somebody higher up). He kept on and on about it and I LB'd again and said, "look, I am not going to tell you what to do or how to feel, but from a management perspective, it seemed to me that his employees had every right to complain and that he violated a basic management tenet of his organization". I went on to say that I was probably not the person to have this discussion with as I was not unbiased (obviously). <p>He glowered at me and left. <p>There is more to this whole story as he appears to me to be severely depressed. I have really tried not to LB and haven't for several months and really tried hard to be supportive, but I just snapped.<p>What should I do?

unsure,
If you consider what you described to be lovebusting, you must be doing an excellent Plan A. I think it sounds like you were stating facts. As you said, you perhaps aren't the best person to do so, but presenting reality to an WS, or at least your opinion of the facts, isn't necessarily a lovebuster.<p>He accuses you of interfering with his life, yet he inconveniently set you up with dinner guests, while he went to the gym, which...he had absolutely NO RIGHT TO DO. It's even worse if he lied about where he went. He ignored his guests, leaving you to entertain them. Honestly, I think you're more of a saint than a lovebuster.<p>Look, as far as you wrote, you didn't have an Angry Outburst, or selfish demand, weren't judgemental or thoughtless. You simply asked a question...and he blew. Which means he didn't have a good reason, and went on the offensive and attacked you rather than explained. If there was a reasonable explanation...wouldn't he have offered it? But he didn't.<p>I'm not sure where you think you lovebusted. If you think you owe him an apology, do so, but the most I see here is that you confronted him. He appears to be the one who's behavior, actions, words were wrong and an imposition on you. The imposition you accepted, and that's fine if it was ok with you.<p>Plan A is not being a doormat, a respectful question or request for an explanation is ok.

Well I am not a saint. I did make one disrespectful judgment statement because I told him that I thought his behavior was selfish and I started to cry, but then got it together enough to be calm. He told me to stop snooping and I told him I had stopped more than a month ago because I really did not want to know anymore/especially after I found out that the OW had been in his room at a business conference. That's what set off the "my employees betray me/betrayed me, oh poor me".<p>I know planA is not supposed to be acting like a doormat, but it is a fine line to me because much of his complaint about me is that I don't deal well with surprises/glitches so I have been trying to be better about those things when they don't really affect me so much. <p>He's just acting so strange lately -- depressed, confused, etc that I don't know which way is up or which way is down. I just know that I can't take too much more of this. I'd like him to quit his job, but not because he is paranoid, but because he wants to work on our marriage and other issues in his life. Maybe that's asking/hoping for too much at this point.<p>I find myself one day extremely concerned about him and how he seems so depressed and the next day wondering why the @#$$% he is treating me so poorly.<p>I have given him an "I desire letter" that outlines what I would like out of our marriage if he is willing to try and what trying means. I am not faultless in all of this, but I am really trying to be a better person and function without him. It may be almost time for plan B because he just flat out makes me feel crummy about myself, which is nuts because I am accomplished professionally, have good friends, am close to my family, am in better shape than I have been in years/ran a 10K. Why does this person make me feel so poorly? Ugh.

Sorry to intrude, but is there a link to the "I Desire" letter?

Hi Spacecase -- I don't know how to do the link thing, but I posted it last Thursday, May 23rd. Please look at it. Jennifer Harley suggested I write it before my WH takes time off to "sort out his head".

Thanks USH,
I did see it and posted one I wrote recently, not quite the same thing, but something similar for others to see.<p>I wish I'd seen it before; it is very good.