What things did you ask your WS to do before moving back in? Yes, I would love for WH to come to me with a list a say "here is what I'm already doing to rebuild trust." But, since he hasn't, could you please share some of your boundaries.<p>Also, WH says I have to rebuild trust with him too. I have had to check up on him several times to see if he was where he said he was (which of course he wasn't). This included me calling several of his ex-fellow workers. WH is job hunting and says that I have hurt his chances of getting a job by talking about him with his cohorts. Says he has to constantly look over his shoulder to see if I'm checking on him.
He is MAJORLY angry about this. How can I address this one?<p>You guys are the best!!!! God bless you for your help, you will have a special crown in heaven for the work you're doing!!!!
KK

dear kk- i think the boundry setting is a good thing- good for you!! its gonna be hard, your husband doesnt sound ready to really commit to recovery. your boundries should be to protect you-he needs to openly try to rebuild trust, not get mad at it. he doesnt seem close to that one-but there's always hope. he also needs to be open and honest with you-this one sometimes takes awhile, be patient. all you get may not be all there is..truth tends to come in dribs and drabs. usually to test your reaction to it-if you blow up and lose it-they clam up. so be careful with your reactions-its hard.<p>he also should be protecting you-he doesnt sound like he is even thinking of you.<p>i hope others jump in here-i need to get kids to school-be back later.

Thanks for your time, Nikko. Someday in my signature I want to be able to say I'm in full recovery and have shot the elephant.
God bless.<p>KK

im back- pray for full recovery for you first. you cant repair your marriage until you work on you. make the changes that you need to, gain strength and confidence and the rest follows. its hard, but possible. hang in there.

See my signature for some examples.

We're still working on boundaries but this got me thinking. We made the agreement that we wouldn't meet with the opposite sex without the other present.<p>I'd like to expand that to include not exchanging phone numbers (unless business) to avoid getting into long intimate conversations on the phone with the opposite sex. This hasn't happened lately but I still want it on the table.

Well, as of our phone conversation this morning, WH probably will not be moving back for a while. We both agreed that he was not ready, since he was angry about the things I was asking for. This is very bittersweet for me. I REALLY wanted him to come home, and wanted him to want to do what I needed. He was very calm when I said I thought he wasn't ready, and told me he was glad I had come to the same conclusion!
Argh!
I just want to curl up and sleep for a week.
I really don't want to do any more of this.
thanks for listening.
KK

My wife was not ready for nearly two months. Some take much longer. I died a little each day she was gone. I feel for you.<p>You communicated your boundaries. He is still married to you and is not seeking divorce. This is good and that is all you really need to be concerned with at this time. You did well. Now it is time for God to take over. Plan A yourself and be patient (patience was my biggest weakness during my seperation - I was miserable).<p>Best of luck to you.

There still isn't anything wrong with discovering what your boundaries are right now. On account that you know he's not ready to commit fully to your M at this time, those reasons are the start of your boundaries.<p>Perhaps writing your H a love letter, telling him how much you love him and want to work with him on your M, and list the things that you know must happen before recovery can begin. If the tone of your letter is in a non-LBing way, then you shouldn't have a problem getting your points across. And if it's all in writing, then your H can always look back on it to make sure he knows what it is that you want.<p>My boundaries for when my H moved back home weren't too clear. The only things I was sure of were:<p>#1. NO CONTACT with ANY of the other women.
#2. ALL passwords to ALL phone and computer accounts.
#3. More quality time with the kids.<p>He did those things. By the time he had been home for just over one month, those issues were well into play. However, I didn't consider any other issues that were major triggers for me prior to his A's. The top one in that being the time he spent on the computer - ESPECIALLY time spent viewing porn.<p>We only half-a$$ dealt with it when he moved back home. As far as contact with members of the opposite sex, we agreed that friendships were a total taboo - unless it was a couples friendship. To keep any possible online chatting safe, we stuck to using icq - but instead of separate accounts, we have a shared icq #.<p>We also ended up POJAing the no contact with OW#1 (the other 2 weren't issues). He really felt uncomfortable sending out the letter. He wouldn't make a phone call to her in my presence either. The fact of the matter is that he was still in contact with her for the first 3 weeks, and he could do anything (like write the no contact letter), but still renegue (sp?) for all I knew. In my case, once I found out that he was continuing contact with OW#1 (via emails only), that was enough for it to stop. (the full version of that is that I emailed her a nice note, asking that she stop contacting my H so that we could work on our M - my H had told me that she wanted us to work things out too. She wrote back a NASTY note, LBing all over the place - and THAT showed my H her true colours).<p>I've gone off track here. Sorry about that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I do hope that some of my ramblings may help you to figure out what your boundaries are.<p>Karen<p>p.s. My CURRENT boundaries are:
#1. No more contact with buddy guy friend
#2. No more porn/adult 'entertainment'. Period.
#3. Counselling for both of us (IC and MC)
#4. A good financial supporter (he is currently out of work).<p>The only issue that hasn't been touched on yet is the counselling. Personally, I want #1 out of the way first (and I helped it along by charging his friend with trespassing yesterday. I wanted to show them both just how serious I am about this).

Karen,
Many thanks for your message, it really helps.
I do believe I will write that love letter listing the things I need. I have hinted some of them to him, and it made him VERY uneasy, especially the no contact letter.
My main thing with him is unaccounted for time. He'd tell me he was going on a job interview, and it would turn out lasting 8 hours!? He would go out to a contract job that should have lasted several hours, and end up coming in at 2 or 3 in the morning saying it lasted longer than expected.
So, I must think of how to word the letter.
Thanks again. You've given me good things to consider.
KK