Well, mediation is over, at least for now. W and I agreed to joint legal custody (i.e. medical, religious, educational decisions), but could not agree on physical custody. She wants our daughter to live with her, I want her to live with me. Mediator feels our daughter would be well taken care of either way and that we've done an excellent job of sharing the responsibility of raising her. Kudos to us!!! He encouraged us to try to come to some agreement on our own because the judge will not want to make this decision.<p>I told the mediator that since we still live together and haven't experienced what it will be like to be away from our daughter or vice versa, we have no idea what to expect or how this will affect her. I suggested we try rotating physical custody for a some period of time, maybe 4 or 6 months. One month our daughter lives with my W and I get visitation, the next month it's the other way around. We could try to work out visitation so that we both have as close to equal time with her as possible. This of course would mean we have to sell the house, which is something I've wanted to do for a while. This isn't the arrangement my W wants, but she's willing to try it or some variation of it. We're supposed to try to work out the details soon. This isn't a long term solution, but it will give us some experience to draw from before making a final decision, even if that decision is to let it go to court.<p>What I've learned is that it really is about what's best for the child, and it's so hard to know what that is. It's difficult to try to come to an agreement on something that you know will affect your child, but not knowing what that affect will be.

sad dad

Sad Dad<p> Why have joint physical custoday as well? Or let your wife have physical custody and you have very liberal visitation rights so you dont lose as much time, this way You can put a stop to the bickering and do what is best for daughter. Fighting is not what is best.
It isnt easy sharing a child I know, I miss my daughter every time she goes away, but I know when she is gone she is having a great time and OM is making sure every need she has is taken care of and will respect all parenting decisions we have made together.
This way she is not torn between us.
I know it isnt the same thing. But think about it.
My husband would never try and gain custody of our children. First of all it is too much work, but second, he wouldnt do that to me, he knows I am going to do great with them. and he would be allowed to see then every day if he wanted, he is there dad.
I wish you lots of luck and your little girl is lucky to have both of you love her so much.<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: mom of five ]</p>

I have heard of divorced couples keeping their home and renting an apartment. The children stay in the house full time, and parents switch back and forth between house and apartment. That way parents have joint custody, but children aren't shuttling back and forth. Much more stability, no "uprooting." But of course, it's only possible if parents are on good enough terms to manage such a deal. But maybe there's some variation on that idea that might work for you.

mom,<p>I've suggested joint physical custody, but my W won't have anything to do with that. I assume since you are a "mom of five" you are also a stay-at-home-mom. Clearly the best thing for you kids is that they live with you since you are their primary caregiver. My W and I both work and due to our schedules, I bear the greater portion of caregiving responsibilities. There's no easy answer.<p>curious,<p>I think in our case the best thing to do is sell the house and get our own places. Your suggestion isn't financially possible. I just hope we can agree to try something, see how our daughter responds and decide from there.<p>sad dad

sad dad,<p>I am glad that at least she didn't get what she is asking for. IMHO, more than 1 week w/o overnight is not good. You D needs time alone overnight. Do you best and don't torture yourself of second guessing ... there is no clear cut of what is the best for the kids. Love & caring are the key.<p>-RH-

sad dad
I am sorry you cant come to some agreement..
Yes I am a sahm, but most of my kids are teens now, but I do have oc and I quit work to stay home with her , because i did so when the others were small. I feel if you dont have to work, then it is great if kiddos have a parent around all the time, we forget how much time and attention they need.
Yes I have always been the primary care giver and would just be devistated if my husband tried to take them from me. But I also have a husband who has never changed a diaper or washed a dish or gave a bath to a baby or washed his own clothes, or cooked dinner. SO yes I would be beside my self if he had done as you and wanted custody.
But I do commend you for loving your daughter so much.. but I think if she is safe in her care and you get her every single week or half the time your wife gets what would be so bad, she would baically share both homes. and not have to feel forced to choose and know mommy and daddy love her so much, they will be nice and share her time.
Divorce is hard for all , we filed once but never went through with it. But boy what a difficult time for all especially my children.
I wish you lots of luck , no matter what you work out witht he x wife, know that you both love daughter. and you will both do what is best.

Well, seems we've reached an agreement on custody.
My W will have our daughter M/T/F/S/S and I'll have her W/Th one week. The next week we reverse it. It gives us 50/50 shared custody, minimizes the shuffling back and forth, and neither of us goes more than 3 days without seeing our daughter, or vice versa. I agreed to let our daughter go to school wherever my W lives contingent on her living somewhere between where we do now and my work. It's fair and probably the best arrangement for our daughter. I guess it shows what can happen when you work together not against each other.<p>sad dad

sad dad - I think you've got the best you can do for now. I have a similar arrangement with my son. Is there a specified review period where any needed changes must be considered after a "trial" period?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>Why have joint physical custoday as well? Or let your wife have physical custody and you have very liberal visitation rights so you dont lose as much time, this way You can put a stop to the bickering and do what is best for daughter. <p>It isnt easy sharing a child I know, I miss my daughter every time she goes away, but I know when she is gone she is having a great time and OM is making sure every need she has is taken care of and will respect all parenting decisions we have made together. <p>This way she is not torn between us.<p>I know it isnt the same thing. But think about it.
My husband would never try and gain custody of our children. First of all it is too much work, but second, he wouldnt do that to me, he knows I am going to do great with them. and he would be allowed to see then every day if he wanted, he is there dad. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, I'm sorry, but logic like this scares the bejeebies out of me. Do I misunderstand something here?<p>If I thought I could have gotten custody, I certainly would have. Any price that would have cost my son in having less time with his biological mother would have been FAR offset by having correspondingly less time with OM - an arrogant, selfish, pathological liar and slimeball who deserted his wife and three kids just to "help" my wife. <p>"Do what is best for your daughter."???? By having OM "making sure every need she has is taken care of and will respect all parenting decisions we have made together." [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sad dad - you've been trying to do this all along. Keep up the good work.

Well, I'm sorry, but logic like this scares the bejeebies out of me. Do I misunderstand something here?
I am sorry I need to clarify my self before I leave.
SAD dad I did not mean you werent doing what was best for your daughter, merely if you say your daughter is safe and loved and your not saying W is a bad mother, if you cant agree on this, Maybe you could give a little on the issue in order to keep peace. How ever if that is not what you think best for your daughter, then BY all means. DO what you need to do.
My comment about my child being safe when she goes away with her father, JUST meant that since I have to be with out D sometimes, I thank God That xom respects me as a parent and we are able to provide a safe loving home no matter where she is at. and since She is his bio daughter he has the right to have her as well. SO i HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
I am not sure why that would bother you worthatry.
But I would rather be on civil terms when it concerns my daughter so I know how she is and where she is and dont have to worry about her as much when she is away.
I DID NOT MEAN ANYTHING AGAINST SAD DAD..I DO HOPE YOU DID NOT TAKE OFFENSE. <p>AND NO my husband would not try and take custody.. but he knows I am their primary caregiver and he does not want that role.
I am glad you have worked out an arrangement with your wife and hope it works out for you all.