Hi! I've been reading up the articles in MB ever since i found hard evidence that my H is having an affair and he finally admited.I've been suspecting it since July'01, did lotsa snooping,keep finding suspicious stuff and he keep denying it up till D-Day.(like a vicious cycle)
We have been living apart after marriage as i have to look after our d after work and i'm staying with my parents and he is staying alone.We had lotsa arguements over financial problems, my snooping, me crying easily and he stop me from staying over at his place everyday.<p>He's acting very distanced and cold since and finally when i presented him his bday present in December, i feel like i'm giving a present to a total stranger....no kiss..juz an awkard thank you.
I had a huge R talk with him and have more evidence...photo of him and a gal in his wallet
He claim she's just a good friend.(i've since confirm its OW)He deny having any affair even though he's displaying lotsa signs.
Then he talk of wanting out of the M...he talk of him being not in the picture with me and D and D will need only me and my parents to take care of.I wasn't ready to let go yet after giving up so much for the R and beg him to stay and give us another chance which he only 'hmm' in agreement.I didn't manage to change anything.<p>For the next 5mths, I shower him with lotsa affection and tried to avoid anymore confrontations about OW until D-day.He refuse to give any extra information about her including her name. He's not even sorry or guilty. We had a long break-up chat and he even mention regretting not able to see our D grow up.He said wat's happening between us is not becoz of the OW!
even when i tried to explain it was the secrecy and his lies that drove us further apart.
I told him i'm ready to let go!
i was very calm and positive through out the chat (readng up the article helps!) and i believe i saw the end that he have already seen in december.<p>OK this is wat's keeping me confused!<p>I met him a few hours later to bring our D out and had a fabulous time... while pretending we hadn't had the chat.
I gave him back his wedding ring which i wanted to put inscription on but hadn't and he wore it back ! He said it's not the end for us and wants me concentrate to do wat i want to do (study) and him his carreer...
But he still don't make any efforts to show any extra affections or call me.

He told me he still love me very much but i was not convinced after i asked if he wants me to stay so that i could help to finance our house and he said he will not ask or force me to do the financing.
He's still in contact with the OW although i told him to cut off all contacts.His reply was "i'll try" <p>- I want to talk to him abt our R again to see from his viewpoint wat went wrong but i'm afraid bringing up will be a big LB.I'm suffering everyday to not be able to talk... afraid of LBing!<p>- Should i let him know that i know he's still seeing OW? i want him to discuss about it openly. <p>- Wat about Plan A?Can i get him to do the EN questionaire now? while the ow is still in the picture?<p>- We are back to Square one where he's avoiding all R talk and any discussions that we'll quarrel over and pretend everything's fine. Is he in a state of withdrawal? When i try to find out from him what he's been doing,he'll raise his voice and get impatient when i question too long.<p>Thanks for your time...really need some guidance out here.
I wanna get out of Limbo-land!<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Confuse n Lost ]</p>

Welcome to MB. We are sad that you have had to find us, but glad that you have.<p>MB is a great resource of support.<p>Please go to the Just Found Out forum. There you will find the General Welcome, Acronyms and Abbreviations, Noteable Posts, etc. Good stuff to read for newcomers.<p>Also read the Basic Concepts on the site. Become familiar with the MB 'ways.' I also suggest that you read Surviving an Affair , Falling In Love, Staying In Love , LoveBusters, and His Needs, Her Needs written by Willard Harley. There are other books that I read, as well, but these are a good starting place.<p>I found this gem yesterday, How to live your life in a relational disaster , it should give you some good food for thought and a beginning 'plan.'<p>Good luck,
Keep posting. Persistance pays off. If you don't get many replies, ^bump^ yourself up.<p>Cali

^bump^

I am in the same boat. After 4 months of not snooping & him dismissing D he filed, I find out he's still at it. He recently went to conference out of town for 3rd time. Aiport is 1+hrs drive away, also where he works now. Each time, he told me he would not be home as he had to "meet his supervisor" "prepare for a meeting" and lastly, "catch up on some work". I opened my soul to him on phone saying I would not ask questions about "the past" (affair) and cant we work it out. @ weeks ago he got jealous of a relative of mine (!) and said lets work it out. When I asked questions he got pissed & took it all back. He denies affair adamently.<p>Well, I got suspicious of this conference returning crap & drove over to OW's place late at night when he shouldve been at hotel in other town ready to go to work. His truck was there!!! This is in our hometown. He mustve heard my car engine cause he came zooming home & said he just had to stop by OW's to "ask her a question about work"!!! You mean it couldnt wait til 8AM next morning & call her at work!?? But still, she last worked where he is now, 5 years ago. Project manager my eye! Im sure someone in the other town in new job could answer it. I'll bet there was no question. He just got busted after another 4 months of lying.<p>And he makes me doubt myself after all I have seen to be true with my own eyes and heard from people close to the source.<p>I can't cut myself off & not talk to him or do things for him. WHY NOT! I am so mad at myself. He needs to be kicked from here to kingdom come. Let OW do his laundry, buy his groceries, take care of him when he is sick and let HER listen to his constant complaining and paranoia.<p>I sensed she is a hooker in her bedroom manners. We were intimate once and he was WAY different & impersonal. Also, OW's ex-H told me stuff.<p>AARGH! Help me let go!! No response from him from Plan A type behavior on my part. HE sleeps on floor & doesnt talk to me but 2 words. ANd I cant Plan B because he denies affair and apparently has not stopped it yet! ANd he lives at home with me. I want to continue living in the home. He threatens to fight me on it & says I cant afford it. Has tried to talk me into selling it. (Probably so him & her can get new house with the profits). I'll be darned if I move out & let OW move in with him in my house!!

Cali and cantletgo, thanks for replying.The Relational Disaster article is great and i intend to follow it esp the part about pushing the rock and treating him like i would with treat another married person.<p>I think the worse of the feelings are over, except now i still swing to and fro between feeling depressed about not able to spend time with him and happy that he's still willing to go out with me.
Yes, i cant stop myself from seeing him or doing things from him! Sometimes i wonder why am i still doing things for him.I guess its my way of showing i love him and i still care. I hope my patience will pay off in the end. <p>I've an article that i found that i would like to share with you <p>
Stop living in the past<p>I believe this article(the 5th 'secret') ties in well with Plan A and Cali's article.<p>Prior to this reading this article, I thought long and hard and realised that after a few years in a relationship, we became upset bcoz things were not wat it used to be as we keep comparing what he is doing now to wat he will used to do or behave in the past to us.<p>We should stop living in the past and start to move forward and think for the present.
Hopefully, this will help you as it did for me.<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Confuse n Lost ]</p>

Cantletgo,we are indeed in the same boat if not the same type of OW. I've found many issues of Cosmopolitian and FHM in our house that features hot sex tips and other stuffs -these are what the OW left while she spend the nite there.
I was about to sign the papers to help him finance the house just before i discover the A! I'll be darned too if i pay for the house and in the end just to let them have it as their lovenest!
I hope that the article will help u . Be strong and show him what you can do and can be.

CnL:
Glad you found the article helpful. We just got in from Wed. night activities at church and I am beat. I will check out your article tomorrow. I went there but after a couple of paragraphs I realized my brain was processing NOTHING!<p>Cali

^^bump for more advice^^