Well I'm still pretty new, but I can't seem to shake the depression.<p>Here is my story:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018046<p>I know I am in a better position than most people here, and my WW is doing a great job of making sure I know where she is and who she is talking too. We are about a month after D-Day, and she has had NC since then (although she tried to contact OM 3 times since, he has not responded) and the fog is really lifting.<p>I just can't seem to feel happy for very long. My wife seems upbeat and cheerful, but not showing much affection anymore and showing very little regret. I know this is normal, but d*mnit why can't she just show some remorse and try to do something for me. I am taking anti-depressents and they help a little, but shouldn't I be more happy about the future we can build. I just can't get over the pain and lies of the past.<p>I'm affriad my depression will become a LB. I know I need to give it some more time, but this is pretty hard sometimes.<p>Thanks for letting me vent.<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: StillCan'tBelieveIt ]</p>

Hi there,<p>well I know what you are going through and I so much understand your pain and frustration. Believe what I'm going to tell you, just believe me.<p>At first when you find out you will feel as if the world has turned upside down, you feel numb and hurt. You will not understand anything. You will be waiting for your WS to do something. It won't happen like this at least not that fast.
What you need now is patience. Patience for yourself and patience for your W to get out of her fog.
Feeling depressed is normal, feeling this pain is normal. There were times I wanted to die. there were times I thought I truely wasn't going to get through this.
There were lots of times just after D-D when I didn't reconize my H nor what he was saying.<p>It just took time for him to get "unfogged" this went step by step. We started to talk, little by little. I didn't pressure not did I ever try to force anything, it doesn't work that way. <p>Then the day will come when you will be feelig better at times. Talking will become more and more comfortable.<p>Read about Plan A. This helps alot. When I was going through this part of our life, I didn't know anything about MB. I somehow did the right thing by instict. And it worked, I won my H love back. He told me later in recovery that if it wasn't the way I acted at that time, he would of ran away!!!<p>The WS need time, nothing is going to happen over night. There are going to be days that the affair must be talked about, otherwise I truely don't believe that either of you will get into true recovery.
Read all you can in MB. Once you have read you will understand and then you will be able to work things out in a better way.<p>I'm for sure not the best person in giving advise.
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I've made lots of mistakes but I was always able to get back on track again and fall back into the MB concept.<p>I've had so many "Downdays" and I cryed oceans of water and now I can truely say: It was the biggest challenge life has ever faced me with and yet I am Happy for this.
I am happy that I have learnt how strong I can be, I am happy to know what beautiful things love can do, yes I am happy because I have grown and became so strong going through this. I have been able to change things that can be changed and I have learnt to live with things that cannot be changed. <p>What I am trying to explain is, don't wait for you W to change immediatly this will take time.
Give her reasons to want to be with you, make discussions comfortable. Don't pressure, it just won't work that way and stay calm, calm, calm.
When you feel pressure, write it in a journal or write here in MB. This helps s much and many will be here that understand what you are going through.<p>Sorry that this has become so long, I'm just too emotional at times and I feel so much for you.
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BB

SCBI,<p>BB is right. It takes time. Be patient. I know that I was still on the rollercoaster for quite awhile after my H & I began recovery. I think I finally started to feel better when he "got it". This also takes time for the WS. The will be a tremendous amount of guilt that the WS feels after they "get it". Your W is going to feel really terrible when she "gets it" -- when she acknowledges the terrible pain she caused and the damage she did to your M. <p>Her acknowledgement will probably help you to move forward -- I know it did with my H. Maybe it was because I felt that until he really understood the pain that I had suffered, he would be able to do this again in the future. Of course, in reality there are no guarantees and he could reenter the fog at some future point. I think that it just make me feel better emotionally. But, when you W really understands, she will suffer enormous pain herself. My H is currently at this point and there are times when he is simply overwhelmed with guilt -- it tears him up inside. So I guess that however much our SOs hurt us, they hurt themselves more.<p>Just have patience. Hang in there. Grab the good times when them come and remember the bad times will pass.<p>FHO

I know it's hard but TIME is what really works. If you read "Torn Asunder" you will see that however long the affair lasted from first feelings until the end, is how long it will take you to recover. One month is nothing! When I thought my H's affair was EA only (with former best friend), I'd say it took me 18 mos to really feel better.<p>Then last summer I found out the truth, it was PA, including in MY bed which breaks my heart. I don't know how long this recovery will take me.<p>Marriage counseling is what really worked for us, both individual and together. Reading, lots. Prayer. A 9 mos separation, and then dating.<p>I really like the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com also.<p>Please don't rush yourself. If you do, it will come back much worse later as it won't truly be resolved.<p>Good luck

Thanks for your replies. I'm afraid my depression will make love withdrawls, because now it seems that whenever I get down, she fills guilty and I'm afraid that will chase her off.