I know most of you will say that we are too early into this recovery thing, but I feel I'm already at a crossroads with H. Most of you may have read our latest situation...I gave him PWs, emails, put rings back on, NC letter...symbolic things that will let him know I'm serious about this. I know in my heart that this time there will be no more contact. I can't prove that to anyone at this point until more time passes.<p>Our problem is this. I still have shown no remorse, really. Yes, sometimes it hits me that what I did was really wrong, and I say that I'm sorry and H accepts. But H is so needy of constant affection right now and I'm becoming easily annoyed already. Nothing I do is ever enough for him. I have made many positive changes, we even went out this weekend and bought flowers to brighten up the house that we've been neglecting for months. Went to our "traditional" seafood restaurant that we visit at least once a year. Planned a week's worth of healthy meals that we can cook at home together. Looked into activites that we can do together, like a 5K run. Scheduled an appt with MC. All of this seemingly goes unnoticed because I don't shower him with the affection he desires. I'm trying to show him that I care in other ways without making myself feel overwhelmed with that pressure. H expects that since he stopped the D proceedings, and I agreed to his ground rules, that I should be willing and ready and to "do whatever it takes" and part of that is to give him all the affection he needs. And it's ALOT! I realize he's feeling so unsure and insecure and needs affection. But this is becoming overkill for me. I'm beginning to feel some withdrawal setting in (although nothing like before), so I'm a bit irritable, plus I'm PMSing, which does us no good at the moment. <p>If you're wondering about examples, he wants hugs, kisses, even if we pass each other in the house. In the grocery store In the home improvement store. We were never big on PDA (public display of affection), in fact, it always annoyed us when we saw others do it. Now he tries to hug & kiss me in public, and I'm uncomfortable with it.<p>I guess my main concern is, that he thinks I'm not in this for the long haul. He keeps mentioning D because I can't give him the affection he wants right now. I ask him to please be patient with me, and he says he should'nt have to. He wants all this to happen overnight, and for me it's impossible. He says I should "act as if" and the feelings will follow. This for me is very hard as well when I feel so forced to do something. I feel if he didn't shove it in my face constantly, it would be so much easier to show him the affection he desires. And maybe that remorse that he's expecting will come sooner?<p>Did any of you have this problem, and if so, how did you get past it? Our MC is on vaca til June 3rd, so any advice between now & then would help.<p>Really trying,<p>IAF

My first question would be why, don't you feel remorse? Or is it that you feel it, but haven't really expressed it...<p>
To your other points - I think you both need to compromise a bit. That your H is needy and insecure is quite understandable. And the symbolic gestures are nice, but look, he wants YOU. And he wants to know that you want him.<p>What I would suggest is sitting down and having a gentle chat. It would go something like this:<p>You (the W) will offer him more displays of affection. Hug him, etc. But YOU be the one to initiate. In return, he agrees to back off a bit and not be quite so "clingy". Maybe you can put some boundaries where affection at home is ok, but not in public places. Or at certain times, or whatever.<p>I'm sorry and I know its hard, but your going to have to swallow, buck up a bit and help lead your H through this. Not unlike what the BS does in a plan A. Somebody needs to take charge - might as well be you. And that would show your H a whole lotta committment.

Remorse will arrive Tuesday, July 16th at approximately 9:47 PM EST.<p>or.... maybe not. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You will not feel remorse until you are able to shed your pridefulness that gave you "permission" to have an affair. You felt "justified" about your actions in your mind ... for whatever reason you came up with. Once that justification is exposed as false to you ... you will be in a healing, hurting place. It is a painful passage you must go through in order to learn and grow from this experience. No one can force you to do this. No one can do this for you. We humans use defense mechanisms to protect ourselves emotionally from feeling things before we are capable of handling the feeling.<p>Open yourself up more. You are closed off ... trying to protect yourself from this unwanted, and scary feeling, remorse. Once you open up, you will feel remorse ... and it will hurt like a sommabytch!<p>Then ... allow Mr. F to catch you when you fall.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Hello! I know I haven't been around a lot lately, but I have followed your story since you and your husband came here. If you recall, I offered some really indepth insights as to what you have ahead of you (from the WS point of view). <p>Yes, it is hard, especially at first, mostly because you feel like you are doing it because you have to (the affection thing), not just because you want to. He is insecure, he will be for awhile. Humor him, pamper him, and of utmost importance - try to REALLY UNDERSTAND his feelings. Eventually, he will back down, things will feel more natural for you, and that medium you are desiring will fall into place. I agree with gourami - sit down and TALK about this. Be sure to start with something like "I understand and acknowledge why you feel this way, and you have every right to. I just need you to try to understand that as real as your feelings and needs are, so are mine. I am in no way trying to undermine your feelings, only asking that you give credit to mine as well." Never use BUT, because that suggests his are less important. Always emphsize the importance of his feelings to YOU.<p>As for remorse. . . My guess is that you haven't really taken the time to disect the whole thing. To look at what you did not only to your DH, but to you as well. What you risked, how close you came to losing it all. Ok, fine, so you had real feelings for OM, but obviously it wasn't worth risking it all. At another time, different circumstances, if you were single, maybe it could have been great. However, you have obviously chosen your marriage for a reason - it is great, deep down, and can be so much more. Put the effort there. Search your heart and your soul for the answers. You'll be amazed at what the skeletens really look like. <p>I have offered this analogy to others, I think on a different board, but it may help here. . . <p>Picture this - You are getting ready to go out with OM. Your DH knows in his gut, but doesn't have the evidence all together yet. He tries to persuade you to stay home. "Watch a movie with me." "Let's cuddle." "Let's go out together." Etc. You brush it off and don't really hear it. He bucks up, and acts like nothing. Takes your lie for truth, and you think you've fooled him once again. Then, after you leave, he pulls out old photos or vides and looks at them while crying on the couch wishing his lovely bride was in his arms at that moment instead of running off to be in someone's arms. <p>This is something my husband actually did. It brings tears to my eyes to think of. It's possible that many other BS have done the same - even yours. Think about things like that. If it's really there, you'll feel the remorse.<p>I wish you the best. Take care, and hang in there.

Pepper:<p>Hey! What date and time is MY W going to feel remorse!!?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Inafunk:<p>Boy, it'd be neat if we could put YOU on Venus, and Mr. Funk on Mars for a few months... ...without a cell phone. Problem is, YOU would be instantly crushed in that 480C, 90bar CO2 atmosphere, and HIS blood would boil and freeze while he was choking in the 0C, 6 millibar CO2 atmospere on Mars! Guess we'll have to do our best to keep you both firmly planted on good ol' Mo Earth, huh?<p>Yeah, I did a lot of the clingy crap your H is doing now, but I got over it. My W hasn't experienced "remorse" so far as I can tell yet, and I'd truly like to be there to catch her when/if she falls, but this all is taking time. It will pi$$ you off at times, like your A has hurt and pi$$ed him off, but if you two are destined to live on the same planet together, you have to be patient for one another.<p>I still think it's neat that you two seem to be so in love with each other to stick by the other when said other has behaved like such a mindless twit at times... ...please don't take that personally, I call myself a twit all the time! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

It took quite a while for remorse to come for me. But I was still trying to be "right". When I did have the time to dissect it all and came to realize what I'd really done and how undeserving my H was of the treatment I'd given him...it hurt really really bad. I became physically ill every time I'd think of it.<p>You guys both just need to slow down a little. Quit the pushing and pulling, and just tread softly for a while. I think if hubby is approached gently with the possibility of a little more space...he'll react better than....CAN YOU BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! If you feel you're getting to that point then say something first!! And, like said above...this too shall pass.<p>I'm glad to hear you two are doing better. I hope you continue to progress!!

No, it can't happen overnight...but I personally find remorse to be extremely important. The WS can't just say "I'm sorry" and think it's done with. Actions speak much louder than words.

2222 L O N G !!!!!!!<p>Do the initials (edited out). mean anything to you???<p>P [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: 2long ]<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: 2long ]</p>