Anyone can respond, of course, but I know that you will jump in here Faith.
CH (Confused Heart)moved out around the 10th of this month, finally got a job, got her stuff, found some young ladies who needed a roommate, moved in. I have only met one of them, she seems very nice. The problem is, one of them is going through a divorce right now, she is younger than my wife and I am concerned about the kind of advice that she might be getting in that situation. None of these women go to church that I know of, certainly not of the same faith that we are. <p>Faith, it seems like there is something that is motivating her to move so quickly into a divorce. She tells me she's filing in just two weeks. I try to get some kind of understanding, but she only says that she's given it a year, has put in 100% effort and nothing has changed. She tells me she believes God can work it out, knows that He can, even that she sees changes in me for the better, but doesn't believe that they are real, or permanent. I am not making an accusation here, but its almost like she is in the fog all over again...like someone else is talking to her and planting some of this doubt all the time. is this part of the healing....does she have to divorce me to get better, or is this an excuse to get out and be free of me? She tells me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, but calls a couple times a day to basically tell me what a jerk that I am, and how I have forced her to make this decision. That she has no other options, and wants to know when if I am going to start dating again. So much feels like she doesn't want to accept any responsiblity, rather, point her finger and say this is ALL YOUR FAULT. You did this, your making me do what I am doing. How can someone MAKE someone do this? I don't get it. She'll follow all of this up by saying that she doesn't see any future together, but doesn't rule out dating me somewhere down the road...WHAT IS THAT!?<p>I am wondering about your take on some of this. Why does she keep wanting to point her finger at me, why does she keep asking me things like, "why did you do this to us?". She gets angry and lashes out, saying things that I know she can't really mean. Where is the responsiblity for yourself in this...we don't even talk about the road she went down...God forbid I bring that up, and I don't! But, its certainly starting to feel like she's lobbing huge boulders inside a small glass house.

I was wondering how the awards went, and how the move went. I saw you posting here and there, so I knew you were alive, and I'm glad you posted about your situation. <p>About CH: I know you know this, but you can only control your attitude and behavior. Plan A is for yourself. Is it time to consider Plan B? I recommend it, especially if you think you may be in divorce negotiations soon - to protect yourself from her LB's. You've really got to remember that SHE is choosing to behave this way. It's NOT all your fault. Please keep this in mind the next few weeks. You will need to begin having a business-like attitude, as she drags you into divorce talk and actual divorce proceedings. Outside of divorce-talk, let her have her opinions and feelings. They are HERS. Just like you have YOURS. You are doing the right things. You know it in your heart. SHE thinks she's given it 100%. You disagree. But you can't change her mind. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't think we can figure her out much more than she is refusing to accept HER responsibility in the train wreck ya'll are in. Have you kept up with the Funk Family Fituation? I think it's an enlightening circumstance - a valuable "case study" for the rest of us. I hope and pray that they get things together. I believe they will. I don't know how much it really applies to your situation, but I believe there's something in there for all of us. But CH is pointing her finger at YOU, and not realizing that there's 3 fingers pointing back at her. YOU are here learning, and (hopefully) following Plan A in your life. YOU are taking responsibility for yourself. By her still holding you responsible - is not simply lack of forgiveness - it's lack of responsibility.<p>About the divorce: You read Cali's link. THe words in there are fabulous about divorce. "I don't want a divorce. If you want one, I can't stop you, but I do not want one." I said these words, even as I signed my papers. "As far as the court is concerned - I'm not contesting this. It's something you want so strongly, I can't really stop it. As far as you and I are concerned - I want you to know - for the record - I don't want this." I felt I had done all I could, and dragging my feet anymore would have certainly done more harm than good. <p>I survived mine. And now, I'm wondering if it was a necessary step in God's plan. I'm not ready for another relationship (neither are you), so I'm open for reconciliation until one of us dies, or one of us remarries. And I'm in no hurry! SO my point is, divorce is AWFUL. I HATE being "divorce", but goshhhhh.... I'm alive. I'm pretty strong. And guess what??? Once OW got him, she didn't want him. Now, he wants to be friends with me, and so far, is doing ok with his share of the friendship. Reconciliation one day??? I don't know. I think we both see it as a possibility. (I have an update thread on D/D if you're interested.)<p>So, certainly don't RUSH into divorce. Make sure CH knows you don't want it. Make sure she knows that you are willing to do anything - learn anything - spend any amount of $$ on counseling. Make sure she knows you LOVE her, and believe in your marriage. BUT, if divorce turns out to be in your future, you will survive, and it WON'T be everything she's hoping it will. <p>Have faith that God will take care of you, MH. He knows you don't want a divorce. Have faith that he will deal with CH in His way, and He will protect you and comfort you. <p>ok... this is turning more into a long answer than I planned... SORRY!!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Why is she pushing? Could be an A going on. Or could be bad advice from friends or family. All she knows is she wants away from the pain, away from her own guilt, and to blame someone else for where she is in life. She will welcome any advice that sounds like a quick way out.<p>I hope some of that helped... thanks for the chance to ramble... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please let me know how it helped or not.. I know I will think of something better - especially after I re-read your post.<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

A million thanks...you and the others are always such a saving grace here. First I will tell you that I did win the Emmy! It was quite an experience and I must say, its an honor just to be nominated. I was nominated for two and took one home. CH went with me to the awards, we even stayed with some friends in a suite at a very nice hotel. She slept on an extra sleeper and I crashed on the couch, but we were there together none-the-less. <p>Your advice is heart felt and helpful. I know in my heart that the things I am doing are for me, but its sure nice to hear someone you love tell you they see it. Friends, family, they all see the difference, but the one person who your focused on, well, they are blind to it, or see it perfectly, but don't like to acknowledge it. <p>I have said before that this feels like a forced plan B. But its so different from the scenerio's that we typically see around here. We should be in recovery now, she's not having an A that I know of, I have been doing all the steps and then some, but still she doesn't not want this marriage to work. She's so convinced that D is the only way. I suppose it would be easier if there were someone else, because at least then I would understand why she's so adamant about avoiding recovery. Instead, everything for recovery is right in front of us, but she doesn't want it, almost like, she missed out on her chance to be single, she sees this as freedom and is going to take advantage of it.

Congrats on the Emmy! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I remember you 2 early on last year, and I've always prayed and wished the best for you. <p>Well, on my drive home, I was wondering what I actually said. I was feeling like I was saying divorce is no big deal. I wasn't saying that at ALLLLLL. It's a terrible thing to go through, BUT not the end of the world, as I used to think.<p>Your marriage is not over yet!!! She hasn't filed - and she may not!!! My XH first said he wanted it a year ago, May 15, 2001. Handed me the first draft on Oct. 20, 2001. Was filed on Feb. 20, 2002. <p>SO you keep working on YOU. Try to let her LB's roll off your back. Keep praying for her. Like you said, don't try to force her to face her transgressions. It'll just push her away.<p>I feel sorry for her, because she didn't deal with the pain of your A in the right way. She buried it with her own A, and now is trying to sweep it all under the carpet. If she doesn't get to a point of understanding what happened, and WHY she couldn't work through it with you, she's going to face these issues again. <p>I believe that if she's not in an A right now, then she is holding herself back from looking at the real issues and trying to learn from them. Unfortunately, you may be right about her desire to live the "single life". but it won't be all roses for her.<p>MH, if not plan B, then consider a Plan A with some strict boundaries for yourself. To limit communication strictly for financial and business matters. And mostly, to detach yourself from letting her blame and threats of D drain your love bank any further. If she's calling you simply to chew you out or whatever, you do need to separate yourself from that. Plan B can be for abusive behavior - serious anger or DJ's - not only for infidelity.<p>Here's a Harley quote (from the link in my sig line):
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
But what about marital separation when an affair is not the issue?
...
In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.
...
In cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B. Remember, plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs. A blanket agreement between spouses to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward eliminating these thoughtless acts, and can also help couples learn to meet each other's needs with enthusiasm. But without that policy, couples often find that they cannot get anywhere with each other through negotiation, and sometimes separation can eventually lead to mutual recognition that they need the Policy of Joint Agreement to help them resolve conflicts. <hr></blockquote><p>
Hang in there!<p>Hope others will post with some more input!<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Hi MH, <p>Sorry to crash on this post but wanted to share my 2 cents. May I???? <p>IMHO, she is asking about you as a means to see if she has an influence or control on you. Don't let her. If she is out of your home, then that's what she needs to do, not be in your business. She gets mad when you ask about her right? All is fair and foggy in the A land. <p>It is actually a good sign to see her ask those Qs. It just hurts. I know. <p>Keep up a good plan B if that is where you are headed. I hope she knows what she is giving up. <p>Congrats on your emmy. Now you got me curious!!! We talk to soo many here at MB and we all come such diverse backgrounds. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks Orchid...<p>I want to play out a scenerio quickly that just happened this morning since its fresh on my mind and get some opinions cause, I am at a loss right now...I'll set the stage.<p>We have been waiting on our income tax return...its a nice chunk o'change. W has asked me about it several times, "has it come yet?" type of stuff. Well yesterday it came in the mail, I picked it up late afternoon, still moving things out of our apartment, went to church, completely forgot about the check. Last night she calls rather late, I tell her the check came, she's happy and excited about some things she can now buy. End of story right? WRONG! This morning she calls me and we have what is seemingly a normal conversation, until she becomes very angry, I mean very angry about the fact that I did not call her last night and tell her about the check. She says that because I knew how important it is to her that I should have called and told her, I explained that I had every intention of calling the next morning (today), but since we talked last night I figured it was just as well. It turns into a huge argument, she's yelling, I'm getting angry and am now late for work, and all because I am thoroughly confused. I don't understand why she is so angry about this check. I am trying not to LB but doing a horrible job I am sure, and it comes down to her basically telling me again, that nothing I have done matters, that I am nothing but a sham, that we can't communicate, that she NEVER WANTS TO SPEAK WITH ME EVER AGAIN!!! She wants access to my new apartment with me not there, she wants me to leave a key under the mat so she can get in and download stuff off our computer, but she doesn't want me there. She then wants me to take responsiblity for causing the fight. That because of me, we are in this huge argument. I am so confused right now. How could something so silly cause her to be so angry and so upset with me. Now you can't hear the stuff that I said to her, I did get loud at times and I did tell her that I didn't understand why this was causing so much anger. I told her that this didn't sound like her at all and I wish I could help her to come out of this. I am not trying to paint myself the saint, but guys...this battle is completely one-sided. I want the marriage to work and she is looking for every reason to leave it. Everything seems to be done to reassure her that what she is doing is the right thing...that divorce is the only option. Just like telling me that I am exactly the same person, that I haven't changed. <p>I am guessing this is just more anger, more frustration on her part and she's not able to deal with it in a constructive manner?<p>Orchid? Faith? anyone...

MH,
Just letting you know... I'm here... I see you. I'm sorry for your frustrating conversation with CH. ughhhhh.... <p>Take a deeep breathhhhhh. I have no idea why she would behave that way. It's so strange, I almost feel like we are missing some details from ya'lls situation. Of course, we can't hear your side of the argument. But it doesn't matter. Tensions are high. She's obviously upset. It sounds like she's receiving some bad advice from someone, OR trying to hide something. I dunno.<p>My recommendation is if she pitches these fits, politely say "I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to continue yelling and screaming, and accusing me. When we can talk calmly, please call me back." <click> You need to remain as IN CONTROL of your composure as you can. Much easier said than done, I know. But if that means politely ending the conversation, then do so.<p>I wouldn't leave a key for her either. IMO. SHe chose to move out. If she wants to hold you responsible for EVERYTHING, then be responsible, and insist on being present, but NOT in her face when she gets her stuff and downloads the computer files.<p>CHeck back in with us.<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

MH, <p>Well sounds more like babble to me. Really really??? IMHO, I think she is definitely trying to control you, blame you and pick a fight to make that all happen. <p>U need to rise above that and when she starts to babble, stop the conversation as politely as possible, excuse yourself and say, can't talk anymore, bye. If she continues to rant and rave, hang up the phone but don't slam it. If you must talk with her on the phone do so while looking in the mirror. WhY? You will be able to see your facial expressions. That may stop you from LBing. Just a suggestion. <p>Her babble about the check, well according to your account, you did tell her last night. The fact that she called vs you calling is immaterial. When she babbles like that just excuse yourself and don't subject yourself to that babble anymore than you absolutely have to. <p>Do you know who some of these ideas are coming from? Well me but also my H who was the Ws. He is definitely not happy about the way some of the WS are acting around here. Yet last year he should have been the one to take home the emmy.... instead he became the enemy (oh that is what happens in fogland, things get mispelled and the meaning is entirely changed)LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.
ps: DO NOT give her the key to anything. She does not deserve it!!!! Tell her you can't do as she is requesting. No need to give a reason. Just as she does not want to give you real answers, don't give her more than you absolutely have to. Tell her she wanted her space, she has it now leave yours alone. Kinda mean I know but neccessary.<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thanks to both of you...
She seems to have calmed down quite a bit...I called earlier today, just to explain the frustration I was feeling, left a voicemail message. After I deposited the check (half in her account, half in my new one)I called her and she answered and said thank you and thanks for calling her back earlier. I know she had time to think about the way she was acting. I am always quick to apologize to her for stuff, and I did so again, because I don't want to be arogant, or come across like I think she is the cause of all of our pain. I know I contribute my fair share! <p>Faith, you shared a quote from Dr. Harley
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> A blanket agreement between spouses to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward eliminating these thoughtless acts, and can also help couples learn to meet each other's needs with enthusiasm. But without that policy, couples often find that they cannot get anywhere with each other through negotiation, and sometimes separation can eventually lead to mutual recognition that they need the Policy of Joint Agreement to help them resolve conflicts. <hr></blockquote><p>One of the biggest problems is that she has refused to even attempt this kind of agreement. She thinks its silly and believes that she should be able to fly off with whatever she is feeling at any given time. She says whatever she is thinking and doesn't have regard for my feelings.
Difficult to have a Joint Agreementwhen only one is joining or agreeing! "I never want to talk to you or see you ever again"...."you are a jerk and haven't changed, this is the reason I can't be with you, because everything you have done is a waste and a joke". "You have everyone fooled with this nice and new you, but I see right through it", "I am not going to live this way, with you treating me like this anymore". <p>Its like she is projecting on me, the things that she is feeling, rather than owning up to them, or facing them head on, she hides behind them and accuses me of the very things she's confronting in herself....does that make any sense at all?<p>Its like a vicious cycle, that keeps going and there is no way to stop it...she constantly looks for every negative thing there is and literally refuses to see anything good in us or the situation, or the fact that we could be primed for an amazing recovery! Do you think that, maybe she does this because, if she acknowledges good things, it takes away the darkness of the situation and points to a recovery?

Unfortunately, POJA is out of my league [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] , since we never reached recovery. I really need to study up on the art of negotiation, and begin practicing it in all my relationships.<p>She's obviously pulling in the opposite direction of you, and of marital recovery, so NO, you can't really use joint agreements right now. I saw somewhere... I don't know where... something adressing the fact that One spouse can DEMONSTRATE and LEAD the POJA, without the other spouse knowingly participating. Is that in SAA? Or perhaps Lovebusters? Anyway, you basically did that today. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] By your giving, gentle, and apologetic tone, you gained a similar reaction from her. Had you been bitter (or "snotty" [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) - she would have too. <p>I'm glad she calmed down. But remember Orchid's "babbling" wisdom for the next time, k?<p>You don't have kids - neither do I - but have you ever tried to argue with a 2-4 yr-old? It's pointless. Arguing with a foggy spouse is just as pointless. (re - -> WAT's guidelines) <p>You said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Its like she is projecting on me, the things that she is feeling, rather than owning up to them, or facing them head on, she hides behind them and accuses me of the very things she's confronting in herself....does that make any sense at all?<p>Its like a vicious cycle, that keeps going and there is no way to stop it...she constantly looks for every negative thing there is and literally refuses to see anything good in us or the situation, or the fact that we could be primed for an amazing recovery! Do you think that, maybe she does this because, if she acknowledges good things, it takes away the darkness of the situation and points to a recovery?
<hr></blockquote><p>Yes. Makes perfect sense to me. But there is a way to stop the cycle - at least a way to remove you from it. It takes 2 to argue. Let her argue with herself.<p>My XH said horrible things about me and my family as we were nearing the end of the D negotiations. It hurt, but I tried to remember that it was the moose-brain worms talking. He was trying to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. HE thought he was trying to convince ME... nope. CH APPEARS to be trying to convince YOU that you need to break up. She can't. You will never believe that. So just ignore it. She's really trying to convince herself - IMHO. Justification for her affair... self-protection from you hurting her again... justification for running instead of facing some work and effort... (did you read the recent thread - by H2O - about how the WS seems to force the BS to end the relationship?)<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Sorry its been a few days since I responded to your post Faith. I went on a little vacation with a friend. MUCH NEEDED!!!<p>After reading your post it makes a whole lot more sense to me. Nice to get someone else's opinion on stuff, because sometimes we are so close to the situation its hard to think or feel objectively. <p>Before I left, you remember that she asked if I would leave a key so she could use the computer which is located at my new place. I told her I wasn't comfortable at first and didn't think so. I then told her I would think about it, I did and decided that it couldn't really hurt. I KNOW I KNOW, I CAVED, but truthfully, I didn't mind her being there after I really thought about it. Well, instead of being thankful or happy that I had come to this conclusion, she became very upset that I had to think about it and tried to fight about this. She told me I was being rude and unkind...I spent nearly 30 minutes, trying to understand what she was talking about and even saying, "This is not worth fighting over, lets just drop it, I am telling you to use my place, use the computer, I don't mind". But she continued in that vein, even after we left to drive north, she called the cell and wanted to fight.
Really its just more of the same Faith, I am going to sit as quietly as I can and wait on the Lord to do the work He needs to do in her. Its as if, God has me where He wants me to be and is just wanting me to wait while he works on her, only she doesn't want to be worked on. GOD'S TIMING!! Yikes, sometimes its soooo hard to understand.<p>Anyway, thanks for the posts and reply's.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MissingHer:
<strong>Sorry its been a few days since I responded to your post Faith. I went on a little vacation with a friend. MUCH NEEDED!!![/ab]<p>Glad you had a nice time!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
[qb]Before I left, you remember that she asked if I would leave a key so she could use the computer which is located at my new place. I told her I wasn't comfortable at first and didn't think so. I then told her I would think about it, I did and decided that it couldn't really hurt. I KNOW I KNOW, I CAVED, but truthfully, I didn't mind her being there after I really thought about it. Well, instead of being thankful or happy that I had come to this conclusion, she became very upset that I had to think about it and tried to fight about this. She told me I was being rude and unkind...I spent nearly 30 minutes, trying to understand what she was talking about and even saying, "This is not worth fighting over, lets just drop it, I am telling you to use my place, use the computer, I don't mind". But she continued in that vein, even after we left to drive north, she called the cell and wanted to fight.</strong><p>So you see it is not the key, just the need to fight. But can she fight if you don't fight back? I told my WS if he was going to fight with me over something I did not do, then I would not participate and he would just have to go and find someone else to fight with or go yell at himself in the mirror.

<strong>Really its just more of the same Faith, I am going to sit as quietly as I can and wait on the Lord to do the work He needs to do in her. Its as if, God has me where He wants me to be and is just wanting me to wait while he works on her, only she doesn't want to be worked on. GOD'S TIMING!! Yikes, sometimes its soooo hard to understand.</strong><p>Patience and love, that is what will get you through this. I see that you are doing better. <p>Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thank you Orchid...
I needed that!
I sent her an email this morning, she was angry this morning and thought I was throwing her some tude on the phone! I didn't think so, but apologized none-the-less, but I also told her that I think we can break this cycle of communication by agreeing to really listen to one another and not accuse. I don't want to have her say I am doing something and then not allow me to address it. Generally she will say things like, "yeah right, whatever, whatever, you just don't get me, you never have and you never will". SO FRUSTRATING, your side is pushed out before you ever even get a chance to address it. But, I said I promised not to do that, and I want her to try and do the same. Also to come into conversation without bringing so much anger and frustration, being willing to hear the positive things that are showing themselves. She hasn't written back so I am anxious to find out what she says. I sort of feel like I am working on a POJA without actually calling it that. Maybe she will be more willing to see it if we don't actually label it something.<p>Your encouragement is much appreciated...anytime!

MH,
Good to hear back from you. I wondered if you ran away or sumthin [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Orchid said pretty much my thoughts. It takes two to argue. Don't let her drag you into arguments. <p>I have no clue whats up with her even CALLING you to fight some more. Maybe she's just upset with her life and her own decisions and confusion, and is just lashing out at you - the nearest and most familiar target. Respond in a respectufl, loving manner, and remove yourself from it as much as possible.<p>I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep us posted. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I saw a "funny" today... thought I would make you smile a little bit: <p>"Thought for the Day" - - Women are not supposed to snore, burp, sweat or pass gas. Therefore, we
must b*tch or we will blow up. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

hehe.. we were posting at the same time [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just offering a smile there! Cheers and right back atcha! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Everyone! This is Confused Heart- Just haven't been on in so long that I had reset my name.... <p>I've read MH's postings here and there and have been so frustrated when I read the way he perceives conversations we have and then relays them. But I realize I can't change the way he sees or feels things anymore than he can change what I feel. It's kind of silly after all we've been through, but I still feel like there's this huge disconnect with reality and the way MH chooses to slant it. The way he leaves out pieces of a story really bothers me because it's so similar to the way he used to lie and manipulate the truth in the past, but again, I realize there's nothing I can do about it.<p>For example- when he wrote about me asking for access to the computer, he didn't include the fact that I needed access to it in order to do our mutual bookkeeping (he wanted me to still do it as I have in the past) and that I felt very badly about the way we interacted and when he came back from the trip, I left a basket of goodies with a card apologizing for my part in our argument. There's more but it's no fun to dwell on it. What a small issue- but it's an accurate snapshot of the patterns we've both fallen into.<p>I'm writing to say a few things that have been on my mind... I still have a lot of anger inside towards MH. I do flare up at him and regret it later- that's a lot of the reason I've made the decision to move out. I couldn't continue to live in a house with someone that I fought with so often- (If MH is honest with himself- he knows he contributed greatly to the sparring matches.)<p>I'm not having an affair- The one night stand I had last year scared and embarrassed me, while making it so much harder to deal with the wreckage of the rest of my life. I have found that I notice the attention of men more now- After hearing repeatedly how good the OW's body was and everything that was wrong with me, I savored the attention of another man who told me how wonderful I was. The problem is the guilt of the action outweighs the feeling. So for now, I'm pretty wary of men and drained of all trust right now. <p>I get lonely, but I'm trying so hard to get back on my feet after the worst year of my life. I want so badly for my rose-colored glasses back, but I realize how impossible and impractical they were. Mostly, I just want to grow after making a series of really poor choices. I'm sad when I think about how much MH and my lives have been intertwined. That's got to be why all of this is so painful. I'm just so tired of the tit-for-tat, he-said, she-said arguments we seem to end up in... I really don't think I always start it, but I sometimes I feel that for every 10 times I try to address the issue at hand gently, the one time I get tired and lose control of the pent up hurt is the occasion that gets remembered and dwelt on and dissected 20 different ways. I know only that when it's all said and done I couldn't continue to share a home and open my emotions to someone who was able to lie to me in so many different ways, even after he insisted he was telling the truth- there's only so many times I can ride that rollercoaster before I must get off.<p>Now he's on his best behavior- he says he wants me and things have changed, but the problem is I don't have enough respect or love left to pull my own weight anymore. I expected the first night in my new place to be so sad- I thought I'd cry all night, but I went to sleep immediately for the first time in ages. When my eyes opened the next morning, I felt as if a weight had been lifted. Since then, it's been up and down but I feel like I'm on a road to recovery...Until I talk to MH.

CH [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It's so good to have you here! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I have soooo much hope and respect when both spouses post their thoughts!<p>As you read on this thread.. I have thought about and prayed for you 2 a LOT the past several months.<p>Just wanted to say Hi!!! I'm worn out tonight... so I want to come back in the morning and respond to your thoughts. <p>Welcome back!!! See you soon... I hope some others will see this and post a thought or two.<p>hugs and prayerssssss...... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 12, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Thanks, Faith- Sleep well!