My H, who was the one who had the A, seems to have become very jealous of any man speaking to me or calling me on the phone. Suddenly he's asking 20 questions about every man I come in contact with and he accuses me of flirting?!?!<p>My friends say it's because he knows he was vulnerable to an A and he's now worried that I might have one for revenge.<p>I'm totally innocent and I don't like being asked all the silly questions and I hate being asked to account for every minute of my day. Today he left 6 messages on the machine, each one more frantic than the one before it. I thought something had happened to family or something but when I called he only wanted to know where I was. I told him I was outside planting flowers and he acted like he didn't believe me.<p>Has anyone else gone through this or does anyone have an opinion on how to handle the accusations?

I find it interesting that your H is acting like most of us BS's act BEFORE we learn how to deal with ourselves properly, and be in proper plan A mode.<p>As far as how to deal with his accusations: stay calm. Continue your Plan A, and avoid LB's! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Invite him to join you in your gardening - perhaps a small bbq so that you can spend some quality time together and admire your green thumb? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's also interesting that you are despising the 20 questions from your H right now. Hmmm... remember that when the tables are turned when in recovery. <p>I tend to agree with your friends' idea that your H is worried that you're up for a revenge A. Whether or not you think you are, always be aware that yes, you ARE succeptible to one. IMO, I think that is a worry that the WS will ALWAYS have towards a BS. Even my H and I... one year into recovery (rocky lately, I'll admit), he's worried about the kids having another 'father figure' instead of him! It's amazing what feelings can be at the roots of some issues, eh?<p>Sorry... I went off topic again. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It sounds to me as though the fog is starting to clear some more. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Hi, <p>IMHO, when the time comes or feels right, sit him down and ask him to please explain his feelings about this. Maybe he noticed some misunderstanding. <p>L.

Hmmm... Sounds like he is getting a taste of what he put you through! I say give in. Try to make him feel secure. All the good you give will return to you eventually! It's really sort of funny! I know you don't think so, but just remember what you needed from him (reassurance) and he didn't give in, now he needs it from you. It's your turn to show him how to act indeed!<p>Try to avoid reminding of all the times when you had unanswered questions and now it is interesting that he expects you to just comply! Oh well!!! I'm glad he has a chance to empathize with you!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

i agree wholeheartedly with the advice you have already received. my husband did the same thing-sometimes still does. he is very afraid of a revenge affair. even came out and asked me about it-i almost fell over!! he was terrified, so scared he actually talked about it-he would rather never discuss anything!!
i think they realize how vulnerable anybody is-it scares them. i also think they are begining to deal with their own guilt when they do this. so imvho-even though its aggravating, look at it as a step foward in a strange way!!

TD,
Feels good in a way doesn't it...for once you have the upper hand.
I've been there too. My WW started giving me the 20 Qs after her 1st A. She even went as far as combing my old e-mails. She found suggestions from friends that I start dating their co-workers. Of course, I never took them up on the offers.<p>Unfortunately, you need to set your Ws at ease and reassure him that you are not pursuing OM. Like has been suggested here, sit him down and set things straight with him; you need to make it clear to him that you are not like him, but need to do it in the proper(non-offending) manner.<p>Good Luck!<p>Sweden

My H is the same way...the MC says that is how his guilt is coming out right now... He realizes what he did, how easy it was, how he never MEANT for it to happen, blah blah... so what's to keep me from doing the same thing? How could I love someone like him? Someone who did what he did etc? It's the guilt and trying to understand why us BSs are still around loving the WSs.<p>I just answer the questions, reassure him, show him and tell him I love him, and be myself. But since I have been taking care of myself, I have been shining...and that does make my H happy though nervous.

Thanks for the great replies everyone.<p>Last night after I posted this, my H approached me and started a conversation about us, which is highly unusual. He said he is sorry for constantly questioning me but that he is "afraid because he knows how easily it can happen".<p>I explained to him that I haven't spent the last 11 1/2 months working on our marriage so that I could turn around and ruin it by having an A myself. He didn't seem to believe me.<p>I am still Plan A'ing, as it has now become a way of life for me but it's really hard not to LB when he is all but accusing me of having an A.<p>He said he can't wait until the kids are out of school so that I'm not alone all day. I felt as if he is planning to use the kids to guard me from an A and I calmly told him so. He became angry and went downstairs to pout [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You all gave me really good advice and I will follow it. I do nothing to cause him to believe I would want any other man and I reassure him of it daily. <p>On a side note YES it is kind of funny to see the tables turned on him after all he and that OW put me through, but I don't play games and I won't start now. That doesn't mean I can't laugh inside though [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]