I read Surviving an Affair. I have tried for the past 2 weeks, after getting on an antidepressant, to be loving and not pushy, keep normalcy (as if that's possible)alive. We have not even discussed the A or contact with the OW.<p>There appears to be a change in behavior although affection is still not a part of the picture. It all started when my oldest daughter was confronted by the OW at a concession stand. The OW tried to talk to her and touched her on the shoulder to which my D said "Don't ever talk or touch me again!" I'm sure the OW told my WH and thus the change has begun. Reality? He planned a 4 day get-a-way for the family. He is very considerate of my feelings and offers help. What's up? Just when I thought I could really hate him. He is initiating conversations and asking my opinion. Still is talking about the future...ours?<p>What could this all mean?

It could mean nothing at all, if he is still in contact with the other woman. Only until there is truly no contact between your H and OW will you truly be able to back up your husband's kindness as genuine.<p>I mean we can only speculate right. We can over analyze his behavior until we are blue in the face. He may be seeing the light or he may feel this is the right thing to do to settle things down a bit so he can continue his way.

Boy can I relate with the "We can over analyze his behavior until we are blue in the face". I have spent sleepless nights doing this. Just when I think I have WH figured out he does something to prove me wrong. I finally have quit analyzing him and don't expect anything from him so when I get something it is a surprise. Right after we seperated he told me and MC that he didn't feel that what I was doing was genuine and that I was going to get tired of trying to meet his EN's and I would go right back to what I was. This of course was when he was still seeing OW. Only wish that OW would have run into my S or D and wonder what their reaction would be. S knew OW. D had never meet her as far as I know. I have a feeling that WH would have reacted the same way if S or D had the same comments to OW as your D did. Try not to anaylze what he intends with the 4 day get-a-way for the family. Try to enjoy this time together, but make sure that you have sometime for just the two of you as well. You will need it. I hope and pray that he is genuine in his efforts.

I guess I don't have rose colored glasses on but it is so confussing. I have no clue what I am coming home to every night. I do know that all the kids have figured it out and they are the ones pressuring their father. They have told him they know and that they will not be around her ever but they love him. They hated the early tension. My only fear is this new kindness will give they false hope. I guess I cannot protect them from their father's selfish act any more than I can protect them from my past mistakes.<p>Thanks for the input. It keeps me grounded.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by bluerodeoboy:
<strong>It could mean nothing at all, if he is still in contact with the other woman. Only until there is truly no contact between your H and OW will you truly be able to back up your husband's kindness as genuine.<p>I mean we can only speculate right. We can over analyze his behavior until we are blue in the face. He may be seeing the light or he may feel this is the right thing to do to settle things down a bit so he can continue his way.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
BRB; I was about to post here to RNR when I read your post and it got me to thinking...is your position on this based primarily on your personal experience, or is this more or less a generally accepted MB position that "Only until there is truly no contact between your H and OW will you truly be able to back up your husband's kindness as genuine." ?<p>I mean, it sounded to me like at least a momentary fog lifting, and that sounds more positive to me than what you state...<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</p>

RNROSCOE
I like you was very concerned about how the kids would handle it. D 19 and S 15. Our S took WH's side at first but it is amazing how I think he is starting to see the light. At the beginning of the seperation I was trying to still coordinate schedules, etc. But, I realized that was part of our problem, I was always there to make sure everyone was taken care of and didn't take care of myself. I took care of all finances, B-Day gifts, etc., even for MIL's. Basically I felt like I was WH's mother most of the time. The more that I did the more I felt unappreciated. Don't worry about the kids getting false hope. If your H is anything like most fathers they are the last people he wants to hurt in this because they don't want to look bad in their eyes. Don't think that they can't see what's going on.
BRB - I agree that until he cuts all contact with OW his intentions may not be genuine. I do think that this is a step in the right direction. That he would plan a get-a-way for the family shows a little remorse in my opinion.
Hang in there.

Thanks "Is this a bad dream". You sound very much like me. I do it all and when I finally got overwhelmed, he had an affair. I work full time (which is why we maintain our lifestyle) pay bills, do all the cooking, cleaning and child maintenance. My parent have been gone for over 10 years but I buy his mother's christmas, mother day, etc. I even have a 17y.o. with a learning disability. My husband never once helped him with his homework until a couple weeks ago. I am assuming that was guilt.<p>Anyway, enough of the pity party. I am guarded but encouraged. I am trying to be as strong as possible. I think he is finding me a little more appealing. The lack of physical contact though, kissing or even a hug bothers me. I don't know if I appaul him or he just can't bring himself to touch me. I look very thin but am gaining back some weight.<p>How long does the lack of touch go on for?

I can't answer the no touch question. I did see in another post trying to make some sense of it. When you first met your husband you weren't physical with him right away so maybe he is taking is slow now and that will come back as you gradually work things out. Has it always been that way or just after the A. We are in a little different situation as my H moved out 2 days after D-Day. You should have seen him trying to figure out finances and when he needed information on our car insurance and asked me I told him his best bet was to call the Insurance Agent. I hope that some of this has opened his eyes. He hadn't done a load of laundry or cleaned any part of the house in the last 1 to 1 1/2 years. My Counselor said that I was too nice to him and it was almost like he was a college student going to school for the 1st time. We were married right of High School so it was automatically assumed that I would take care of those things. When he does come back, we are not going to change the checking account back to joint and he will be expected to pay his share of the bills and take care of some of the household duties as well. Last summer I did all the yard work with our S. Luckily he wasn't inside laying on the couch but he was particiapting in the sport that he was so attached to and that OW and OW's H particiapted in at the same time. We are almost the same ages as you. Do you think some of this was mid-life crisis. I truly believe that was a large part of my H's problem. Hang in there and take care of you. Hope things go well on the get-a-way. Keep us posted. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I feel quite certain part of this issue is a mid life crisis. He wants a happy married life but the freedom of college. He put on 50lbs over the last 2 years and was diagnosed with high blood pressure. He is also at risk for diabetes. All of a sudden, doctors and myself are telling him how to live.<p>The other woman is a baptist and a challange. He got her to drink and other things she had never done before. The old bad boy, good girl scenario.<p>I hope if we work thiings out, things will not be the same. I hope that we will be more cooperative in housework and finances. I think he needs to be needed. He mows the grass but that is it. The rest of the house is mine. Even painting is done by myself. I left him far too much trust and free time to explore other options.<p>The OW keeps talking to my children. Should I approach WH about this or will that set him off? I feel we have made progress but is it enough?

Well this may be my last post under this topic. Will be going to the divorce topic. Had long discussion with WH this weekend. He is still seeing OW and doesn't want to change. I was very upset for most of yesterday and still thought that I wanted him back even after everything that he said to me. Get this he didn't get a paycheck last week but had money to put down on a vacation over the 4th of July. My birthday, by the way. How convient to be out of town with OW when your W is celebrating her birthday. Went for a long drive yesterday in the afternoon and wrote down a bunch of stuff. Thought I still wanted to try until I got home last night and D had gone over to WH's for dinner and he told her that I was making demands on him that he didn't want to do and that he had asked me for a divorce. Originally I had told him that I wasn't ready to make a decision yet and that I had given him plenty of time and I would hope that he would give me the same. He is still in fog. The problem with his mid-life crisis is that he felt like he had to prove that he wasn't in his early 40's so continued to play sports, work out at the gym,tanning at the tanning bed. Thought that everything that made him look and feel good was the most important thing to him. Last year on Mothers Day supposed to have been at the gym for 5 hours. Now that I look back, I'm sure he was with OW. After D got home last night she asked me what my heart was telling me. Told her that I wanted my husband back. Her response was "Even if he isn't the same person?" Made me realize right then that I didn't want the new H back I wanted the old one back and that wasn't going to happen so why put myself and S & D through this any longer. Wrote out all the things that he needed to take care of and informed him that I realized that he was not a part of my future. Told him to let me know what he needed as far as paperwork. Made sure that he got the message that he is doing all the leg work on this. I'm not wasting my time on it when I didn't cause it to begin with. Actually feel some freedom now that I have told him that I want a divorce. We have a lot to work out and made a request that we keep this friendly and fair. Tomm. may be another story as I'm sure I will go into withdrawls again. But I think I am moving in the right direction. Maybe some day he will open his eyes and realize exactly what he had. Made the comment that I didn't see how he thought he could have a good relationship with OW when he couldn't even talk to me after over 20 years of marriage. For those of you who are still trying I commend you, that just wasn't what I want to do for the next 3 to 6 to 9 to 12 months. Thank you all for your support and advice. God Bless and take care.
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I am so sorry for your pain "It's a Bad Dream". I sense your resolution. D's are so supportive and do cut to the chase. They can be objective because they love you both and can see both side even if they don't agree. I hope that you find true happiness!

I still need help taking things for face value. My WH has been so attentive lately. He goes to great lengths to let me know where he is and why he is going. As I stated somewhere, he has planned a vaction and seems very excited.<p>Last night, very spontaneously, he initiated physical contact. He seemed so genuine. He has been very careful not to initiate as to not give me "false hope" or feel as if I was being "used".
Of course I enjoyed myself. It had been a long time.<p>Am I just caught up in the momment? Should I ask if the A is over? Should I take it as a pleasant distraction? He seems more talkative and more at ease. Bad sign?<p>Guess I can't quite trust yet. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]