H insists it was only an EA that ended 2 years ago however he did admit to sleeping at her house,
on the couch of course,
this has led me to believe that he slept with her and is just not telling me.
which i have let slide until i gain evidence.
talking to a mutual friend of me and H this afternoon has made me wonder again.
he asked me what i was doing i told him i was at MB.
he wanted to know what MB was ... i explained to him what the site was about and that i have been coming here since H's infidelity.
I said you did know about that right?
he says yeah and i told him he was stupid,...
ok i guess
then i popped off that H says they never slept together even though he slept at her house.
(and I have a bridge I'd like to sell you)<p>the friend says........... I never said they slept together,<p>now it is making me wonder if friend knows something i dont.
any thoughts<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: AllTheGoodNamesRTakn ]</p>

My H also told me that his affair with my former best friend was EA only. It took 6 years to discover the truth (forced to tell in counseling). Your story reminded me of something that happened to me.<p>I was at an all school reunion, sitting next to my best friend from grade school. It was shortly after my H and I got back together after a 9 mos separation. I told her that he had been emotionally involved with my friend, but that they had not had sex. I truly believed both of them at the time. She laughed and said "Yeah, right and I have a bridge for sale." <p>I realize now how silly and naive I looked to her, and with good reason. It's sad to find out how you've been lied to and how trusting I was at the time. Now I doubt almost everything which isn't good either.<p>I also get angry when I think that our first counselor knew that it was PA, and never thought it was important enough for him to tell me. That seems wrong to me. And I had to convince our 2nd counselor that I HAD to know the truth, which she finally agreed to. <p>I hope your spouse is telling the truth. If he hasn't read Torn Asunder about the importance of telling the truth, he should. good luck

maggie,
before i had sent H links that people recomended here ummm torn usunder was one and shattered vows was another.... isent them to him Via email and told him that i would greatly appreciate him reading them i did not tell him what they were about figuring he would read them and get a clue but alas he bookmarked them and has not read either of them.
this being 2 months ago i will not push the issue of him reading them <p>I just want to know the truth...
I feel in my heart that they slept together and I felt that he was cheatig long before I found out<p>so i trust my instinct.<p>it is not that i will not rebuild the marriage if in fact it was a PA rather than just an EA i just feel i deserve to know EVERYTHING
and that H should be man enough to tell me

You also have a right to know due to health reasons. I was exposed to the threat of stds and never told. Thank God I tested negative. A friend of mine's H gave her 2 stds, one of which could have led to birth defects in their child. It's NOTHING to mess around with. We live in a very small, rural area and you wouldn't believe how many people have them (I heard this from somebody who works at the local health dept)<p>I wish you peace, truth and healing

Hi, thought I'd put my 2 cents in... <p>My H had an A a yr ago.. if you'd like to read my story.. please here ya go.. My Story<p>Anyway.. His entire A lasted but a mere 3 weeks. after the 2nd week, I tried to "talk" some sense into what he was doing.. didn't work.. then it was brought to my attention that he moved in with "her".. that was the last straw.. So, I flew down to TX and as soon as he saw me, he broke down.. he was immediately remorseful and felt the "need" to tell me absolutely everything.. answered the questions that I "needed" to hear but didn't yet.. My main concern was whether or not they were sexually involved. He said yes and then came all of my questions that part of me didn't want to know and the other part of me just had to know. Well, in the end, I knew more than I really wanted to. Looking back knowing what I do now, Would I want to know if it had been a PA? Oh h*ll yes.. I believe that oh sure it hurts like heck to know certain intimate details but yes, you have a right to know because it was in a way, an invasion of YOUR privacy for him to share something that was only between the two of you with another woman. Some people may not agree with me.. but, that's fine. I respect the fact the everybody is intitled to their own opinions. <p>Robin<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: Midnite706 ]</p>

My WW also said she slept on the couch. Then she finally admited to PA.

I am sorry ... but this is how I see this:<p>"I slept on the couch" ---> fog translation: "We had sex on the couch."<p>If you ask,"Did you sleep with her?" You will hear,"No! I did NOT sleep with her! How can you even think such a thing?" ---> fog translation: "We never fell asleep."<p>Listen to the WS's answers two ways; 1.Was the answer a direct or indirect response to the question? 2. Was the answer too literal or too general in response to the question.<p>Here's a personal example:<p>Me: "Please tell me if you are having an affair."<p>WS: "I would NEVER do THAT to you!" (an indirect general response ... not answering the question) Translation: "I would never do *that* ....TELL you I was having an affair."<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

OH MY GOD!!!!
If I have to listen to the "I slept in the couch" line again... I think I have had it too many...<p>*walks out, screams a lil bit, then walks back in*<p>Ok thats better.<p>I think the couch line is one of the oldest, most incredible understatements of all time. I am sure that even cavemen used to say something between the lines of "Oh dear I slept in the other animal skin" or something...<p>My WH's understatement went from "I slept in the couch..." "Well... we shared bed but we only slept..." "Well alright we cuddled a lil bit..." "Well... we hugged and was some touching..." "Well ok we had dry sex..."<p>It took me nearly 3 entire years to make him spit this info, in little tiny winny bits each time. Making me feel like I was the crazy one.<p>Still now I am affraid that tomorrow he'll go for the full truth and it'll be "real" sex.<p>But serious, how stupid do they think we are???

AllTheGoodNamesRTakn,<p>I am not saying that this is necessarily indicative of your situation, but if I had a hundred dollars for each time I have read on this website that the WS initially (at or in the months after d-day) says that there was no PA when there was (which is often discovered or pressed for by the BS sometime later), I would be able to start a pretty good trust fund for my children...<p>Alas, my FWH was one of those - he insisted that there was no PA, merely an 'inappropriate friendship'. I can think of a half dozen other MBers of about the same vintage whose WSs had similar things to say. Well, they had PAs and the details were wretched, but we would all have rather known the whole, ugly truth on d-day, the first one that is, not one of the subsequent ones.<p>Often I want to just shake some sense into WSs who stick by the 'there was no physical relationship' line, but then I remember that most are so incredibly messed up that they could not see 'sense' if it were standing on their head. It sets back recovery for the BS and for the M, sometimes so far back that recovery is negated completely. And the longer the WS sticks to this story when there really was a PA, the harder it hits the BS. The same holds true if there was more than one A. But a Fogged up WS just does not seem to care about anyone but him/herself.<p>Are you in MC? That is often a good place to build enough of a dialogue for the WS to start to disclose the extent of the A. Reading on the MB site is also good, but if your H has not read the bookmarks, then he is probably not likely to in the near future. (My H bookmarked links I sent to him, but did not read them, ever.) If you have a religious leader you can turn to, perhaps he/she can impress upon your H how important it is to 'come clean' NOW.<p>All of the above said, it could be that your H did not have a PA. Some WS don't, it appears, but only a very small number (if you take MB to be a relatively good sample).<p>I don't know what else to suggest in order to ferret out the truth. Of course you are entitled to know the whole truth, if you want it. Do you want to know?<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

THanks everyone for your replies
Talking to same friend yesterday... he said that in fact H told him that he did sleep at her house but doesnt recall H telling him they were intimate.
I might add that recently H confessed to a kiss in which he states that she kissed him and he pushed her away.
I have more bridges that I know what to do with. Any buyers?

Hehehehe I was just thinking I should be a real state tycoon by now, you know, with so many bridges and all! Some as big as the ones in NY or SanFrancisco.<p>((((hugglez))))
I know this is hard, WS dont seem to understand that, the more they lie and let info drip, the more it hurt us in the long run. They think, or like to think they are doing us a favor, you know, letting us down slowly, but it is worse than just plumbeting down once. At least then, you'd know how deep in **it you are before trying to swim out of it.

Hey ATGNRT - <p>I just wanted to post on your thread. I'm going through the same thing, except we are separated and the EA is still going on - an internet thing that H decided to meet after we had a falling out (before discovering EA). It sucks big time. If you have the time, give my thread a read and you'll know more where I'm coming from. I'll keep an eye out for your posts as well. Hang in there.<p>llama's story

llama,
I have been keeping up on your post as much as I can. I only come to MB when H is not home cause H says its a "trigger" for me....
I do not think i have reply to any because I dont feel I have any sound advice that would benefit you other than what others have already stated...
however I do agree that plan Aers should be sainted for their compasion and understanding with MB i would not have plan Aed at all...I would have plan Bed him right out the door by now... Keep your head up things can get better... and YOU will benfit from this experience (abeit heartwrenching) and you wil lbe the better person for it.