Looking for some encouragement, been a tough few days and next week is going to be even worse.<p>First, let me say that things are s.l.o.w.l.y beginning to improve between me and almost XWW. We are by no means in any kind of recovery yet, but as long as any kind of progress is being made, that's fine with me. For example, last Sat night W and I talked and she began to bring up OM, the A and what he meant to her. I sat and listened (no LB-ing, can you believe it) as she explained all he meant to her, what they had and how she felt about everything. And I just sat there, listening and offering her my opinion whenever she asked. But, as the conversation progressed, I could tell that she was getting wrapped up in the A again, almost seems like she was reliving the joy she experienced form it. Finally, she just told me flat out "I was supposed to be with him, its just so unfortunate that I didn't meet him first"<p>Well, needless to say, that was all I could handle. I stood up, calmly told her that I thought that comment was utter BS, told the kids good-night and quickly left. So early the next day, she shows up at my place (she has never been there) with the kids, telling me that the kids were bugging her to have me take them swimming. Then, she apologizes for the comment she made the night before and says she didn't mean it, that she doesn't know how she feels right now and hopes we can work through it. By the way, I asked the kids if they were bugging mom to go swimming and they said "no, we were just watching tv and mom asked us if we wanted to go swimming" Go figure.<p>So that's the good news, now for the bad….<p>Yesterday I was at the house with the kids and something told me to do a little snooping, don't know why, but I just felt a need. I looked in all of W's usual hiding places and I found a notebook with 3 pages of writings in it. It was all sentences that started out with "I miss…." And then had very, very intimate stuff about what they did together and how she felt being with him. There was also a list of songs in it that I am guessing were songs they listened to together, they were "our special songs" I know this notebook is a recent development, since last week, and am wondering why, if she says it is over between them, why she would be writing these things down. I have to wonder if she still isn't holding out hope for the 2 of them to get back together and if I should tell her what I found. Why can she say one week how much she hates him and the next be writing these things down. I can not even begin to consider recovery if she is still yearning for this guy like I think she is.<p>And, next weekend is the 1 year anniversary of WW and OM's start of their A. Even though they started out as friends, I consider next weekend the day that things really started to heat-up between them. So, I get to spend the summer with all sorts of events (birthdays, anniversary, kids activities) being reminded of how I did all those things by myself while W would always have a convenient excuse to not be able to attend them (and be with OM). I told myself that if nothing concrete happened by the end of the summer, I'd file for D and be done with this whole mess. Hopefully things start to pick up because I feel like I am running out of time and patience.<p>
I know, if you snoop, expect to be hurt, but I also need to know where the relationship stands between W and OM because I just cant really trust her right now, especially since she refuses to end all contact with OM and isn't making any commitments to the M. I have made it very clear to W that as long as he is a part of her life, I wont, maybe she is ok with that. This just plain sucks, ya know. I think I need to get out of town for a day or two, maybe go camping next weekend and try and forget about all of this.

I know it's hard for you to do so but try to put yourself in her place for a minute. The A may be over but just like a dead loved one she is grieving it's passing.<p>You should be proud that you were able to keep your composure while she told you all those things about the A and OM and not even love bust her big time. It shows how much stronger you've become and how she feels safe in trusting her innermost feelings to you.<p>I will recomend to you that you tell her - if you haven't done so already - that there can be no future between the two of you until she writtes a no contact letter and committs to work on marital recovery with you. I would also tell her - if it's the truth - that every day you struggle with simply giving up and that you do not know how much longer you can stop this yearning to be free and move on. Remind her that time is against the M side and then leave her alone to ponder your words.

I do try and be understanding of her feelings, its just that when I hear what she says and find out more about the A, I realize how much 'in love' she was with this guy. I know she has never expressed these feelings about our relationship, and she has admitted that. That cuts deep and makes me feel like our M was based solely on convenience, that there wasn't anything real about it. I cant compete on the 'soul mate' level that they have/had, nor do I want to. I just don't want to be in a relationship where she is always yearning for this guy and she stays with me simply because I am the bread winner, the handy man and father of her kids, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to live like that. On top of that, I don't believe her when she says it is over because I have heard that way too many times before. I need something solid now and so far that hasn't happened.<p>W does know where I stand about any contact, she knows I expect nothing less that no contact and 100% commitment to the M. I have told her this many times and she acknowledges it, but says she just needs more time. At one point, she even told me that she thought she has the rest of the summer to make a decision, but I think that was because OM was still telling her he was leaving his W. Even though things are going well between us, we are still so very distant. It is becoming a struggle to keep going and yes, I need to tell her how I feel, it wouldn't be fair not to. To make it worse, I see couples all over the place holding hands, having fun and wanting to be together (that's one thing that was on W's "I miss" list) and here I am, living in this limbo technically married yet so very alone.<p>This morning when I woke up, I realized that I could walk away from the M (in its current state) and be completely fine with it, and that thought kinda scares me. I am happy being where I am now and know that God is taking care of me. I feel like I have done everything I can, I have fought the good fight and now its up to W to make the next move. My kids seem to be doing good with this as well. Sure, financially I am not too well off, but I know if I really apply myself, I could save up enough to buy a small house someday in the next year or so, maybe a fixer-upper, but something that I could be comfortable in when the kids come over. I basically feel like I can move on now and everything will be alright. I really want to close this chapter in my life now, whether it be with W or not, it doesn't matter anymore, I just need to be able to move on. The love is still there, its not unconditional anymore, but it is still there, unfortunately I know now that love is not enough, there is so much more to making a M work.

loveherstill...<p>I don't know if you have checked this link out yet: Plan A helps <p>I was the Queen of Snooping. Always made me feel bad. I completely understand the need to. I also read my H's 'journal' of stuff to her. Included in that journal were 'her' words, as he left the journal for her to read and she wrote back to him. YUCK! <p>As some wise person on the boards told me then, the words were not for me and would only hurt me. I had to decide, if I continued to snoop, how to react 'better.' <p>BUT... I didn't really feel better until I quit looking and listening and gave it UP to God. Otherwise, there was still an element of ME trying to control it all.<p>Even your need to 'tell her how you feel' is a control thing 'cause you want her to reciprocate and for whatever reason, she can't.<p>The above link really helped me to refocus this week. I hope it helps you too.<p>Cali

My wife also said and did similar things like this. The further we get from her last contact with OM, the better things seem to be. It's been over 1 month since her last contact and things are getting better. Although there is a chance she might see him at work today because he will be coming in to pick up his last bonus check. I can only hope and pray she doesn't talk to him.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Cali:<strong>Even your need to 'tell her how you feel' is a control thing 'cause you want her to reciprocate and for whatever reason, she can't.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That may be how she perceives it but if he doesn't tell her how he feels and then proceeds to do what he wants with his own life, she will accuse him of beign dishonest for not telling her what he was feeling and not given her a chance to work on the M.<p>The WS almost always say that the BS is trying to control them when it is just the opposite. To a WS the idea that the BS is moving on with his/her life is viewed as controlling.

TooMuchCoffeeMan:<p>I understand what you are saying... but what I am talking about is 'temporary.' <p>Their perception is their reality. If they think it is controlling... it is.<p>Moving on with your life is not controlling... it is doing what they have asked. <p>Here are the points in the link that I was referencing:<p>
3. STOP pushing rope: You can tie a rope around an object and move a lot of weight. But when you push on the rope nothing happens. Example: Expecting emotional responses back from them. "I love you..." waiting to hear them say it back. Nothing happens, you are angry .... <p>
12. What to expect them to say to you: <p>"I love you, but I am not in love with you." I never loved you! I will always care for you, but I can not live with you, I need my space, You are a good person, I do not want to see you hurt. Most of this is my fault, but I want a divorce After the divorce is final I would like to date you and rebuild the relationship. I want to be friends after the divorce IU be divorced but I will never be separated! IH be divorced before I go see a Counselor <p>What to say to them: I dont want a divorce, if you want one I cant stop you, but I do not want a divorce. <p>1e. The most common advice that everyone will give you: GOWYL Acrostic for the five most destructive words to the American Family: Get On With Your Life. <p>Cali

LHS-
Hello. I'm sorry to hear you've had such a bad few days. Remember last weekend you listed what you were going to do for you that weekend...what are you going to do this weekend for you?
It sounds like your W trusts you and feels safe talking to you...that seems like a good place to be.
Perhaps the journals were her way to work through withdrawal from the OW...
You are the king of journal recommendations.
I hope tomorrow brings you more sunshine.
-CS

Oops..Habit from own posts..I put OW instead of OM.
-CS